Good morning everybody. Who would like an authentic New York bagel? Hmmm? Stanley? Dwight dwight Thank you. [reaches for bagel] Stanley stanley No, no, no, no. I got a pumpernickel just for you. Dwight dwight Wow. H & H. You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels? Andy andy Oh, why? Is there a place closer that sells them? Dwight dwight This is really nice Dwight, thanks. Phyllis phyllis Thanks. Andy andy Oh, don't mention it. You owe me one. You all owe me one. Dwight dwight Good morning Michael. Dwight dwight Morning Dwight. Michael michael Hungry? Dwight dwight No. I had a fish stick sandwich. Actually I had two fish stick sandwiches. My girlfriend didn't want hers. Because I guess I'm the only aphrodisiac she needs. Michael michael Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. Dwight dwight Well, yeah... Michael michael You're thinking of deer penis. Dwight dwight It worked. Michael michael Regardless. That was over two hours ago and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. [holds up tray] Bagel? Dwight dwight I don't mind if I do. Michael michael K. I brought cheese too. Dwight dwight I'm taking one for my lady friend. Michael michael Excellent. Dwight dwight Brain food. Thank you very much. Michael michael Okay. [walks out of Michael's office] You owe me. Dwight dwight Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Geez. When did everyone get so cynical? Dwight dwight Pam, would you care for a bagel? Dwight dwight Oh, no thank you. Pam pam That's right. You're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again. Please Pam, reconsider and have a bagel. Dwight dwight I have an early lunch. Pam pam Michael's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out ever since he started dating my mom. I don't know. I really hoped this thing would just die out, but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom and we have to go. No way out. No way out. Pam pam These are amazing. You took all these? Erin erin I've always found beauty in uncommon places. Homeless people. Graffiti. Photography lets me capture all that. Have you ever been photographed before? Ryan ryan Oh just by like friends. Erin erin Well here's what I've been doing around here. It's for a series on exposure in the workplace. Ryan ryan [walks into the office] Whoohoo! Pammy? Helene helene Hey! [gets up to greet Helene] Hey. Happy birthday. Pam pam Thank you. [they hug] Helene helene [comes over to hug them both] My girls. There they are. [Pam walks away] Michael michael Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch- there is no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your "Gee I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother" and fixes all occurrences of "I don't really see them together". So, open wide Pam and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food. Michael michael Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend? Angela angela I think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding. Pam pam Yeah- Michael michael Hi. Kevin kevin I think everyone has meet Helene. Shall we? Michael michael Wait a minute. [looks at the bag in Michael's hand] Is that another birthday present for me cause you already gave me a necklace. Helene helene Oh my God I love it. [looks at camera and shakes head] Kelly kelly Tell her how you gave it to me. Helene helene No, that wouldn't be- Michael michael He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. What a nice way to wake up. Helene helene Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to- inappropriosity. Michael michael Because of sex? Kevin kevin Hey- Michael michael Kevin! Pam pam Please, Kevin. You're fired. [Kevin looks at Jim; Jim shakes his head] Sorry, sorry. Work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go? Michael michael Yes, let's go. [looks at Erin and nods] Pam pam Oh, wait. Um- Swartz Lumber is on the phone for you Pam and they say it's urgent. Erin erin Oh, you guys. Just one second. [picks up phone] Oh my gosh! Are you serious? Shipping emergency. I don't think I can go to lunch. Pam pam Oh man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out too. Jim jim I know. Isn't that always how it goes? Pam pam Rarely. If ever. Let me give it a whirl. I'll talk to them. Jim jim I want to handle it. Pam pam That's okay. Jim jim I feel like its- Pam pam It's my pleasure. [takes phone from Pam] Hello? Well that's great. [hangs up phone] Turns out the paper was there all along. Jim jim [sighs] Thank God. Creed creed Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive. Creed creed So, Pammy- are you still liking sales? Helene helene Yeah- it's exciting. Pam pam Well, you know- Michael and I were- talking, and maybe if you put a little more face to face time with your clients you could improve your sales. Helene helene Pam's sales are fine actually. Jim jim Just want you to succeed Pammy. You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today. Michael michael Thank you. Pam pam Today is about family. Michael michael Why did I get in the car? I could of struggled. I have a whistle in my purse I didn't even blow it. Pam pam Oh, Dwight. I have a little surprise for you. Andy andy Let me guess- you ate the bagel I gave you and loved it. Dwight dwight Yes! [they laugh] And I wanted to return the favor. I was polishing my loafers and I happened to look over and noticed that your brief case was a little worse for the wear, so a little elbow grease and she's polished right up, back up to her former glory. Andy andy Wow- Dwight dwight Feel it against your cheek. Andy andy I will. [Andy rubs the briefcase against Dwight's face] Dwight dwight You give me a gift- Bam! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere- Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor- Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness. Andy andy Let me get that door for you- [runs to open door] Dwight dwight Whoa- Andy andy There you go! Dwight dwight Thank you very much. Now I've got it for you. [holds open door] Andy andy Oh... goodness... thanks. You know, here's a healthy fitness tip. If you clench your buttocks together while walking you can really take the pressure off your knees. Dwight dwight Is that right? Andy andy Observe. [walks towards desk] Dwight dwight Huh. [laughs; follows Dwight] Andy andy Right? Dwight dwight That really works. Andy andy Yeah, feel free to use that. Anytime. Okay. Dwight dwight Hey- oh, hold on a second. Do not walk around with your jacket cattywampus. Andy andy [straightens Andy's tie] And that needs to be straight as an arrow. Dwight dwight Whoa- thank you very much. [takes off Dwight's glasses and blows on them] Oh boy. Andy andy Thank you very much for that. Dwight dwight [puts Dwight's glasses back on Dwight's face] You are very welcome. Andy andy [pulls out Andy's chair] Have a seat. Allow me. Dwight dwight [pulls out Dwight's chair] Have a seat yourself. Andy andy You know what? I am going to preemptively change the batteries in your wireless mouse. Dwight dwight Not necessary. Andy andy No, no, no! [takes mouse and runs away] Dwight dwight You didn't have to do that. Andy andy Andy is complicating things. But I'm not worried. This will only up my game. Dwight dwight Hello. Scott. Table for four. Michael michael Welcome Scott family. It'll be just a moment. Hostess hostess I use to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. Big part of my childhood. Oh, maybe Michael will start dating that too. Pam pam What table should we take? So many to choose from. Michael michael Wow. Jim jim [sees table decorated with a banner and balloons] Oh my God! Helene helene What? All I see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. Oh, wait a second! You mean this one? Wow! Michael michael Michael, you did all this? Pam pam Not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it. Michael michael Well, thank you. All of you. Helene helene Well, it was actually me alone, so- wow look at this place. Really makes me want to go to Italy some day. Michael michael Oh you'll love it. You can have my guide books. I think I'm done with those really long plane rides. Helene helene Oh. Thank you. Thanks for lending me the books. Michael michael So, mom... which birthday are we celebrating this year? Pam pam [laughs] Sticking with 49. Helene helene 49 again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition. Pam pam That's funny. Michael michael Well, as long as you're running numbers Pam, then help me out with this one. Let's see your six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to? Helene helene Oh, burn. Burn on you... and a little bit on me, too. [they laugh] Jim jim You're 54 years old. Michael michael No. I'm 58. Helene helene You're 58 years old? Michael michael Uh huh. Helene helene Congratulations. Michael michael The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you and I am not robbing the cradle. If anything I am robbing the grave. Michael michael Mom, have you decided what you want to be called? Pam pam Oh, well I like Nana, but I also like the classic Grandma. Helene helene Please be Grandma. Pam pam Definitely Grandma. Jim jim I want you to be Grandma. Pam pam Oh, Michael what do you think? Grandma? Helene helene [nods uncomfortably] That- Michael michael Yay, Grandma! Pam pam Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, do you think? Michael michael Maybe. Pam pam Helene? Michael michael Oh, oh no. I don't think so. Helene helene I am. I'm definitely going to do it. I've already got the run and the bike thing down. Just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in? Michael michael Oh no, I think a triathlon is pretty much something I can rule out. It just- doesn't interest me. Helene helene So it's a matter of interest. Good, okay. It's not anything you would have ever done. Michael michael Hmm... I might have done it when I was younger, but now there's just other things I'd rather be doing, instead of running and jumping and swimming- Helene helene Well there's no jumping in a triathlon. Michael michael Oh- Helene helene You're thinking of the broad jump. Would you try- bungee jumping? Michael michael No, no... [laughs] Helene helene Snowboarding? Michael michael You want to go snowboarding? Helene helene I might. Michael michael Michael, what are you talking about? Helene helene [sighs] Nothing. Just life- and doing things- before you die. I don't know. Michael michael Do I really want to go snowboarding? No. But I would like to if I wanted to. Michael michael [singing fanfare] Aye-yi-yi! [lifts covers off trays of food] Andy andy What's going on in here? Dwight dwight Andy bought lunch. Oscar oscar Oh... no... really? Dwight dwight Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness. Andy andy There is no book. There's only a survival guide. Dwight dwight You bought breakfast for everyone, so I got lunch for everyone. Andy andy Okay, well, allow me. You know what- gosh these tacos are awfully complicated to make. I will make everyone's tacos! Gra-ga-ga-ga-ga! Dwight dwight So we should get the check? Michael michael What about your gift Michael? Pam pam Oh, no, no, no. No. It's stupid. You'd hate it. I hate it. Michael michael I'm sure I won't. Helene helene Yes you will. Michael michael He locked himself in his office all morning working on it. Pam pam Gimme. Look at this wrapping paper. It's got the word love on it in every language. Helene helene Aww- Pam pam I literally- I put no thought into the wrapping at all. Might as well of been toilet paper. Michael michael [opens present, reads inscription] A scrapbook of our first memories by Michael Gary Scott. For my girlfriend Helene on your birthday. [laughs] Helene helene That's just an arbitrary title. Michael michael Ok, there's a penny. What's that from? Helene helene Penny for your thoughts. Jim jim It was from the wishing well at the mall. You threw it in. I went back later, waded in and I found it. Helene helene Wow. Jim jim That's amazing. Pam pam It's not amazing... at all. It's sort of weird that I went and did that. And now your wish won't come true, so that blows. Michael michael [looking through the book] A poem! Helene helene Oh that I plagiarized I think. Michael michael [reading] I can not go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay... Helene helene [whispers to Pam] Shel Silverstein. Jim jim Yeah. Pam pam Um- I have the measles and the mumps, a gash, a rash and purple bumps. And my teachers really mean- Happy Birthday , I love you Helene. Helene helene That's really nice Michael. Pam pam I think it sucks. Michael michael I think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Helene helene Well, that's because you and I have very different tastes and you like lame things. It's a generational- sort of gap between us. Michael michael [hugging book] God... it's a scrapbook. Helene helene Home run Michael. Pam pam You set the bar so high. Jim jim That was a bunt. Michael michael Whoa, whoa Dwight. I'm going to do this. Andy andy Hey, hey, hey- relax I got it covered. Dwight dwight No, I insist. Andy andy No, no, no, no, no, no, I insist. [pushes Andy out of the room and locks the door] Dwight dwight Ok, Dwight this is ridiculous. Andy andy Don't worry about it. You can just owe me. Dwight dwight Hey. Where'd you go? Pam pam Oh, just went to the bathroom. Michael michael And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? Pam pam I got thirsty. Michael michael Okay, weirdo. Come on. It's time for cake. Pam pam Honestly, for a long time I thought I was going to grow old with Holly. And then I met Helene. And she is great and she already knows and has done everything that I have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. But, I think I want to do those things myself. Michael michael Cakes really good. Pam pam Oh, I know. I love how they use butter cream frosting. Helene helene Finish your cake, Helene. Michael michael Hmmm? Helene helene I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing. Michael michael Helene I think you're a wonderful person and I- God- I've enjoyed dating you and being your boyfriend so much. But I have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a co-worker I can not in good conscience continue to date you, when I know what this is doing to her. Michael michael Michael. Michael ,it's okay. Pam pam No it's not. Michael michael I know that it took me a little while to come around and its still a little weird to get used to, but you obviously make my mom very happy. And that makes me happy. Pam pam Wow. That just- you've really grown. Michael michael Well- Pam pam [covering eyes] Thank you Pam. And I hope you are as gracious during this next part. Helene, once again you are a wonderful person and you have lived a great life and I envy it. And I want it someday, but just in the future. You need somebody who- who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him. There's another woman. And her name is Italy... and skydiving... and bungee jumping. Michael michael Okay, so- Jim jim And I want kids. And you... unfortunately, have already completed that part of your journey down there. Michael michael Michael. Pam pam It's not my decision. It's mother nature. And mother has very strict rules about fer- [waitress comes over to pour water; long pause] -- tility. Michael michael I, um- I got it. Helene helene I'm 58. What am I supposed to do now? Helene helene Well, hobbies- Michael michael Stop. Jim jim [reaching for something on the top shelf] Ahh. Andy andy What's going on? Dwight dwight Stupid things wedged up there. No one in this office will help me. Andy andy Alright, move it. Dwight dwight What if Dwight dies and I still owe him something? That is a recipe for a ghost. Andy andy Oh yeah, you're going to owe me big time. Dwight dwight It's like a little envelope- there you go. Andy andy Got it. [looks at envelope] To Dwight. Wha- [opens envelope] Starbucks gift card. Dwight dwight Surprise! [laughs] It's from everybody. $15 value. Andy andy Dammit. I am no closer to taking Jim down. What a waste of a day. I could of grown poisoned mushrooms that would have been this high by now. [bends over and hold hand about 1/2 an inch from the floor] They're mushrooms. They don't get that high. Dwight dwight Pamela Beesly Halpert- Michael michael What? Pam pam May I have a word with you in my office please? Michael michael I am working. Pam pam Well, this is a work related matter. Michael michael Really? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael Really? Pam pam Yes. Join me please, won't you? [Pam gets up and follows Michael into his office] I am going to give you a raise. Michael michael Why? Pam pam Because of all the good work you've done. Michael michael I have the lowest sales record of anyone here. Pam pam That's- no, no- it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude. Michael michael I have the worst attitude of any person here. Pam pam Do you want the raise or what? Michael michael Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave] Pam pam Hey, Pam, Pam- with this raise there are strings attached. [Pam sighs] And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude. Michael michael You're bribing me? Pam pam No! No- no I am not. Unless you want me to. DO you want me to? Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't- unless I haven't offered you enough... your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or- Michael michael I want to hit you. Pam pam What? Michael michael I want to hit you. I'll do that. Pam pam [nervous laughter] Oh- okay , what? I don't- Are you kidding? Michael michael No. Are you kidding? Pam pam Ye- No. Alright. I'll take off my jacket and tense my stomach and you can just- Michael michael No. I don't think I can hit you in the office. Pam pam Okay. Michael michael So, um... we'll do it after work. In the parking lot. In front of everyone. I'm going to hit you as hard as I can. Pam pam Okay. Michael michael Okay. Pam pam Okay. Michael michael See you then. Pam pam See you. Michael michael Hey. Ryan ryan Hey. Michael michael Quick question. Ryan ryan Yeah. Kelly kelly Are you scared? Ryan ryan Never. About what? A little- what are you talking- Michael michael We heard about the punch. Ryan ryan What punch? Michael michael Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work. Kelly kelly I'm pretty sure we said slap. Michael michael No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. Kelly kelly I'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand what's going to happen. Do you? Ryan ryan I- mmm- I'm good. Michael michael alright. See you there. Ryan ryan Hey. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Do you and Pam ever get frisky? Michael michael Inappropriate. Jim jim I mean- do you ever wrestle with each other? Michael michael All the time. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim She strong? Michael michael She wants it bad Michael. Jim jim Can you stop this? Michael michael I can. Jim jim Okay. Michael michael And I don't support her choice to hit you. Jim jim I don't either. Michael michael But at the same time she looks crazy and I do understand her reasoning. Jim jim Mmm-hmm. I know. Michael michael I just need some time. Jim jim You gotta do something- Michael michael I just need some time. Just give me some time to make a decision. Jim jim How much time do you think you'll need? Michael michael No more than a week. Maybe two weeks. Jim jim Come on, man! Michael michael Pam, can I talk to you for a second? Toby toby Oh... Pam pam I heard about the hit. Just- make sure it's off company property, right? Toby toby Right. Pam pam Okay, I think we should probably be okay. Toby toby Okay. Pam pam Okay. And- the-the power- comes from the back foot. So its- its all one motion through the- body. So you stay a little low and there's a twist. You keep your shoulder down and you kind of throw out the arm. [demonstrates punch] Pow! Toby toby [stands up; gets into stance] Okay wait- it's- you're saying it comes from the foot. Pam pam Yes. Toby toby Okay. [punches Toby's hand] Pam pam Yes. Toby toby Wow! Pam pam Okay. Toby toby Hey everybody, he's not in the men's room although the seat was warm so we may have just missed him. Meredith meredith My money's on Pam. Kevin kevin It's not a fight. What other outcome could there be? Oscar oscar Michael could win. Kevin kevin How? He can't hit back. Oscar oscar Why can't you just agree with me sometimes? Kevin kevin Am I scared of getting hit in the face? No. Everyday weirdo's pay dominatrix's hundreds of dollars for that very privilege. I'm scared I'm gonna love it. [claps hands] Let's do this. Michael michael It's okay guys... I can handle this. Everybody can go home. Michael michael We're here for the show, Michael. Kevin kevin You're just a bunch of voyeurs. Are you eating popcorn? Michael michael It has almost no calories. Kelly kelly Are you ready? Pam pam Yes. Michael michael [goes to punch Michael; he flinches] You have to keep your hands down, Michael. Pam pam I know. [sighs] Okay. Alright. [Pam goes to punch him again] Oh- God! Michael michael Michael, you have to put your hands down. Pam pam Put your hands in your pockets. Angela angela Okay! [braces himself] Pam, Pam- I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. Michael michael What are you sorry for? Pam pam So many things. I don't know. It's hard to choose. Michael michael How about for dating my mom? Pam pam Maybe that- Michael michael And dumping her on her birthday. Pam pam Yes. Michael michael Okay- just- don't ever date a member of my family again. Pam pam Okay. I promise. [Pam starts to walk away] For the record your mom came on to me. [Pam turns around and slaps him; he gasps] Michael michael Holy crap. Phyllis phyllis Are you okay? Pam pam No! Michael michael You're okay. Pam pam Feel better? Jim jim No. You were right. Pam pam [walks with Michael back into the office; Michael is clutching is face and limping] Wait, why are you limping? Dwight dwight I don't know. Michael michael Let's get some raw meat on that face. I got a chicken in the freezer upstairs. Dwight dwight As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover-car and a hover-house. And my wife is a runner and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends and our kids play together. And I am happy and I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but its enough for me. Michael michael Ahh... [Dwight is holding a frozen chicken to his face] Michael michael Good, good. Keep it on there for another five minutes. Just let the swelling go down. Dwight dwight Oh thank you. Thanks. I owe you one Dwight. Michael michael Fire Jim. Dwight dwight No. Michael michael I'm cashing in the favor. Fire him. Dwight dwight What are you talking about- Michael michael Do it. Promote me. Tri-managers. Dwight dwight Forget that. Michael michael Can I have an office? Dwight dwight No. Michael michael You know what you can keep your stupid favor. It's worthless. And this is my dinner on your face. I'm keeping it. Dwight dwight [pats face] Oh that feels better. Michael michael