[on the phone] Yeah, that's no problem. Pam pam Pam? Michael michael [on the phone] Sure. Uh huh. Pam pam Pam? Knock, knock. Michael michael I'm on the phone. Pam pam I know you are. Knock, knock. Michael michael [on the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, 5-7-0-5-5-5-0-1- Pam pam [at same time as Pam] 4-9-1-7-4-5-1 Michael michael 0-1-7-5. Thank you. Bye, bye. [to Michael] It really makes us look unprofessional. Pam pam They would never know it was me doing it. Here we go, Knock, knock. [Dwight walks over] Michael michael [sighs] Who's there? Pam pam Buddha. Michael michael Buddha who? Pam pam [puts a slice of bread and stick of butter on Pam's desk] Buddha this bread for me, won't you? [Michael and Dwight laugh] Michael michael Great. Pam pam I, I need something to wipe my hand. Michael michael Now there's, there's butter on my desk. Pam pam That was helping. It was classic. Michael michael I got a knock-knock joke. Dwight dwight No... God. Michael michael OK, Michael, please, please, please, please, please let me. Dwight dwight Alright. Michael michael [clears throat] Knock, knock. Dwight dwight Who's there? Michael michael KGB. Dwight dwight KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael on the face] Michael michael [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions! Dwight dwight What the hell was that? [Michael starts to fight with Dwight] Michael michael What are you doing? Dwight dwight What are you doing? Michael michael Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it! Dwight dwight You, you like that? Michael michael C'mon. What are you doing? Mine was a part of my hilarious joke. Dwight dwight Mine was retribution. What are you doing? No more knock-knock jokes. That's it. Michael michael Ding Dong. Jim jim [to Jim] Who's there? Michael michael KGB. Jim jim Dwight, get the door. Michael michael I'm not answering it. Dwight dwight Answer the door. Michael michael Ding dong. Jim jim No way, it's the KGB. Dwight dwight Ding dong. Jim jim I'm not answering that. You answer it. Dwight dwight I'm not gonna answer it Michael michael I'm not gonna answer it, it's the KGB. [Jim slaps Dwight] Dwight dwight The KGB will wait for no one! [Michael laughs] Jim jim It's true. Dwight dwight [Michael walks in dressed as Willy Wonka] Good morning, Michael. Pam pam Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Michael. I am Willy Wonkaaaaa. Michael michael Good morning, Mr. Wonka, here are your messages. Pam pam Why thank you very much. [notices jelly beans] Oh, what are those? What are those? Tell me, please! Michael michael Jelly beans. Pam pam No, no, no. They are not just ordinary jelly beans little girl. These are extraordinary jelly beans! Michael michael The Willy Wonka Golden Ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It's probably the best idea anybody has ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of gold paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy, and full of excitement and full of fantasy. Michael michael I've written these things because it is my responsibility, as manager of this branch, to profiligate great ideas and I think I have done my part with the golden ticket promotion. Now it is your turn. I want to hear some great ideas from you that are just as good as mine. [Jim raises hand] Umm hmm. Michael michael We own our own delivery trucks. We could lease them out on the weekends -- Jim jim Too many words. Good ideas are simple. 'Golden ticket.' Michael michael 'Free paper.' Jim jim No. Jim. We're a business. Post-its. That is a golden ticket idea. NASA took five or six golden ticket ideas to get man on the moon. Michael michael Golden Girls. That's a golden ticket idea, right, I mean how great was that show? Golden Grahams. Another, is it -- I don't get this... Andy andy No, you don't. No, it - [sighs] What will be the state of this company if I am the only one coming up with the great ideas? Right? Michael michael I think I should call her. Kevin kevin No! No! No! Andy andy Why is it so bad for me to call and ask her to lunch today? Kevin kevin [sighs] You're making it too easy for her. You're just conveying, 'Oh I like you just the way you are.' Andy andy But I do like her just the way she is. Kevin kevin Well that's not what we agreed on. Andy andy What are you doing? Jim jim Huh? Andy andy [to Kevin] Why don't you just go out on a date with her? Try to spark up an on going joke and then in a month or two, if it feels right, you'll know. Jim jim No. Andy andy You don't have to wait that long. I mean, you don't have to wait a month to ask her out. Just ask her out. Pam pam You're asking him to give up all of his power. Andy andy What power? Jim jim Andy, Pam, and Jim are all telling me how to deal with this girl that I like, Lynn. I, I don't like getting advice from more than one person at a time. I'm a textbook over-thinker. Kevin kevin You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.' Andy andy That's psychotic. Do guys actually do that? Pam pam Well guys with girlfriends don't. Jim jim That's low, Tuna. Andy andy [on phone] Hey, Tom. What's that? Oh, you found a golden ticket. [puts hand on receiver and speaks to office] One of my clients found a golden ticket. [Michael screams in excitement] [Jim back on phone] Yup. No, congratulations. [Michael dances in background] Jim jim Woo hoo. Michael michael [on phone] I'll take that down right now. Jim jim Tell me; was it a spoiled little girl with big lips... Michael michael I'm on the phone. Jim jim ...or an odd little boy with a cowboy obsession? Michael michael [on phone] Hold on one second. Jim jim Invite them on the tour. Michael michael [to Michael] It's actually Blue Cross from Pennsylvania. Jim jim Really? That's kind of a big client. [gets up and heads toward Oscar] Hey, Oscar. Woo hoo hoo. Um, how much of a hit is ten percent of our Blue Cross account? Michael michael Ten percent? Oscar oscar Yeah? Michael michael They're our largest client. Oscar oscar Yeah. Michael michael It's gonna hurt. Oscar oscar [on phone] Hold on one sec. Hold on one sec, Tom, what's that? You found five golden tickets? And does it say limit one per customer? Nope, it doesn't. Jim jim How do you not spread out the tickets into different shipments? Jim jim I thought I did. So... Michael michael OK... Jim jim Well no harm no foul. Michael michael ...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales. Jim jim You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good. Michael michael Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot. Michael michael Start over. Darryl darryl Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen? Michael michael Were the boxes near each other? Darryl darryl Irrelevant. Michael michael I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper. Darryl darryl OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet? Michael michael My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. [sighs] That... [sighs] Michael michael Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. [Michael shakes his head to Pam] No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial. Pam pam When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one. Pam pam Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right? Michael michael They can. Oscar oscar No, they can't. Michael michael Yes, they can. Oscar oscar Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about. Michael michael Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is? Oscar oscar Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so - Michael michael So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too. Jim jim Thank you, Jim is with me. Michael michael Absolutely not, I'm mad at you. Jim jim Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist. Michael michael That's not why. Creed creed OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. [Pam raises hand] Yes. Michael michael Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later? [Pam's phone rings] Pam pam Good one. Jim jim OK, don't get that. Please? [Pam gets up to answer her phone] Michael michael I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off? Stanley stanley That is not constructive. Michael michael [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet. Pam pam [on phone] Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so- Michael michael [on speaker phone] Michael, what the hell is going on here? David Wallace david-wallace How are you doing? Michael michael Fine. What is going on? David Wallace david-wallace [reading from computer] My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera. Michael michael Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen? David Wallace david-wallace Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know. Michael michael How could you not know Michael? David Wallace david-wallace I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant. Michael michael Might have hi-- OK, what firm? David Wallace david-wallace You're breaking up. Michael michael Michael? David Wallace david-wallace OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant. Michael michael Was it the sales department? David Wallace david-wallace Yes. Michael michael Was it Jim? David Wallace david-wallace No. Michael michael OK, was it Dwight? David Wallace david-wallace [long pause] Yes. Michael michael [Dwight walks in] Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea. Michael michael That was your idea. Dwight dwight Woah, wow, who told you that? Michael michael You did. Several times. Over and over again. Dwight dwight [same time as Dwight] No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight. Michael michael [same time as Michael] You were dressed as Willy Wonka so... Dwight dwight I'm not taking... I'm not taking... Michael michael Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't. Dwight dwight Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary. Michael michael You don't keep a diary. Dwight dwight Yes I do. You've just never seen it. [reading from diary] March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets. Michael michael Hold that thought. [Dwight gets up and gets own diary from desk and returns] [flipping through diary] March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year. Dwight dwight Why do you have a diary? Michael michael To keep secrets from my computer. Dwight dwight OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up. Michael michael Impossible. Dwight dwight Yes, you did. Michael michael I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math. Dwight dwight What are you writing? [Dwight writes in diary] Michael michael Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies. Dwight dwight Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us? Michael michael With all my heart. Dwight dwight You guys are throwing a lot at me. Kevin kevin All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance. Jim jim Right. Kevin kevin I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her. Pam pam No, that is what I mean. Jim jim [to Jim] Shush. [to Kevin] Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic. Pam pam [puts hand on Jim's hand] Like that? Kevin kevin No, stop it. Jim jim Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her. Andy andy [Jim, Andy and Pam all talking over each other] ...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that. Andy andy We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking- Michael michael OK, what am I thinking right now? Dwight dwight Umm, nacho chips. Michael michael No... How skin is the largest organ of the body. Dwight dwight Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me. Michael michael Oh, not gonna happen. Dwight dwight I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again. Dwight dwight Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly. Michael michael What about Shoe La La? Dwight dwight [sighs] It's not ready yet. Michael michael I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house. Michael michael May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight. Michael michael These aren't announcements. Oscar oscar Yes they are, you just don't care about the information. Michael michael I love working here and I do not want to leave. Dwight dwight He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired. Michael michael Well... Dwight dwight I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion... Michael michael We discussed the fact that I'm cooped up here instead of experiencing the whole wide world. Dwight dwight Right. Michael michael No plowing my own acres. Going around shirtless all day. You know experiencing freedom. Dwight dwight That's it. That's it. You can't put a price on freedom. Michael michael Try me. Dwight dwight That's why you made the decision. That's why you made... Michael michael I haven't made a decision yet. Dwight dwight You kind of have. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael You cannot take the fall for him. Jim jim He said he would do the same for me. Dwight dwight He can do the same for you. Right now. By getting fired instead of you. So what are you gonna do? Jim jim I'm gonna go back to work. After I write you up for insubordination. Dwight dwight There it is. Jim jim [seeing David Wallace come into the office] Oh my God. Dwight! Dwight! Get in-- what's it gonna be, what are you gonna do? [Dwight runs into Michael's office] What's it gonna be? Are you gonna do this thing for me? Dwight? [David knocks on Michael's door and opens door] Hey David, how are you? Good to see you. Nice surprise. Dwight and I were just having a very unfortunate conversation. Michael michael That's too bad. David Wallace david-wallace Yes it is, but it had to be done, didn't it? Michael michael Hopefully, nothing that can't be undone because Dwight I owe you an apology. The head of Blue Cross just called. They were so excited about the golden ticket discount that they have decided to make Dunder Mifflin their exclusive provider of all office supplies. Congratulations Dwight. [holds out hand for handshake] David Wallace david-wallace David... you're welcome. [Dwight and David shake hands and make exclamations] Dwight dwight I just want to say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I have ever seen at this company and how about a big round of applause for Mr. Dwight Schrute? [everyone starts clapping] David Wallace david-wallace Alright Dwight. This is huge. David Wallace david-wallace That's what she said! [David laughs] Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight, great idea. Dwight, Dwight, great idea. How'd you come up with that idea? Michael michael Inspiration. Dwight dwight Really? How did- how are you inspired? How did it pop into your head Dwight? Michael michael [same time as Michael] You never know when it's gonna strike. Just... boom. Dwight dwight Give me the details of how that happened. Michael michael You, you are taking about Dwight Schrute. The biggest Wonka fan I know. I mean, you've been talking about that movie for years. Jim jim What? Michael michael And you know what? I even made fun of you when you dressed up as Willy Wonka to pitch this idea and for that I apologize. Jim jim Apology rejected. Dwight dwight [going up to give Dwight a hug] Thanks for much for helping the company, Dwight. Pam pam Oh Pam. Dwight dwight Good work, kid. Creed creed Thanks old man. Dwight dwight This, this is great. OH, OK, look I want to get you on the horn with the marketing people in New York. The should meet you. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah. Dwight dwight Pam, could you set up a call in there in about 15 minutes, please? David Wallace david-wallace Sure. Pam pam David? David? Michael michael [same time as Michael] 'Cause I've got this idea... Dwight dwight David? Michael michael Yeah? David Wallace david-wallace Could I be a part of the meeting also? Michael michael You probably have too much to do around here. I don't want to uh, take up your time with another meeting. David Wallace david-wallace Yeah, let's face it. This meeting sounds like it's Wonka fans only. He's never seen the movie. [David laughs] Jim jim Alright. Dwight dwight [on speakerphone] Hey guys, I have with me Dwight Schrute. Dwight, take it away. David Wallace david-wallace OK guys, listen up. Here's the deal. I love candy. Sweet sugary candy from the second it touches my tongue to the moment it's metabolized by my stomach acids, so naturally I liked Willy Wonka. Dwight dwight Wait, do you guys hear that? There's not a dog listening in, is there? [cut to show Michael on the other line] I hear panting. Man on Phone man-on-phone No. No dogs. David Wallace david-wallace So I love Willy Wonka. That golden ticket scene is so inspiring to me that that's where I cam up with that idea [Michael comes into conference room]. Dwight dwight There is no movie called Willy Wonka. It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Michael michael It's actually based on a book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Pam pam Pam... Dwight dwight I can't... vouch for that. But I do know this. He is a liar. He has taken my idea. Michael michael That is my idea. Dwight dwight [on phone] We are gonna call you back guys. [to Michael] What is going on here? David Wallace david-wallace OK, here's what happened, David. It was all my idea. You called me and you were really angry at me and I got scared, so I had Dwight take the fall, but now, it turns out that it's a great idea and Dwight will not confess. Can you believe that? Michael michael No, no. David Wallace david-wallace It is my idea. Dwight dwight Oh how dare you. Michael michael It is my idea. I'm filled with good ideas. Thousands of good ideas. Dwight dwight You are? Good ideas, huh? Hey, did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a net, circular net, that you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet? Formally known as toilet guard? Michael michael Horse Boat. Dwight dwight Oh please. Michael michael A canoe built around your horse so you can go from riding to water travel without slowing down. Horse Boat! Dwight dwight Toilet sponge. It's a hollowed out sponge... Michael michael Oh give me a break. Dwight dwight ...that is more absorbent, and softer than toilet paper. I have a lot of toilet ideas. Michael michael That's because they're easy! Dwight dwight They're not easy. Everybody has to go to the bathroom. Michael michael [same time as Michael] Women's urinals... uh... Dwight dwight [same time as Michael and Dwight] Guys, guys. OK, enough. Please, enough. What, is this true, Dwight? I mean, is this true? David Wallace david-wallace Yes, it's Michael's idea that he forced on me on threat of death. Dwight dwight Thank You! Michael michael What, I don't -- what do you want me to do now, Michael? What am I supposed to do now? David Wallace david-wallace Well David, I will be honest with you. I do want the credit without any of the blame. Michael michael OK, uhh... I am going back to New York. Pam, do me a favor, don't send me those notes. David Wallace david-wallace OK. Pam pam I am gone. David Wallace david-wallace When they look back on this day in the history books all that will be remembered is that I had a good idea. And that's what I am going to write down in my diary. That is what I want you to write down in yours. Michael michael Oh I am. In my own words. Dwight dwight I want to see it. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight I want to see it. [Michael gets up to try to see Dwight's diary] Michael michael No, Michael. Dwight dwight Give me... Give me the diary. Michael michael No! [Michael struggles to take Dwight's diary from his hand] Dwight dwight Hi. Lynn lynn Lynn, I'm just gonna say to you everything that I am thinking. Kevin kevin OK. Lynn lynn I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie. Kevin kevin OK. Lynn lynn Nice. [Both laugh] Boobs. [Lynn blushes] Kevin kevin Well, it's uh, his funeral. So... neh! Andy andy Ding dong. Dwight dwight Who is it? Jim jim KGB. Dwight dwight Alright. I just got out of the shower, I'll be one second. Jim jim [in accent] When you are done, open the door. ... Hello in there? Dwight dwight Yeah, I'm late for work, so I have to brush my teeth, it's a whole routine. Jim jim We have more houses to visit. Dwight dwight If you want to come back then, that'll be fine. Jim jim We will come back at... how is [looks at watch] 4:45? Dwight dwight I get back from work around 6. Jim jim How about 5:15? Dwight dwight You can try. That, that might work. Jim jim Very well, we will come back at 5:15. Dwight dwight Alright. Jim jim