[looking pregnant] Hey Michael? Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael Contractions are coming every ten minutes. Dwight dwight OK, just remember to keep breathing. Michael michael My cervix is ripening. Dwight dwight OK, good. Michael michael [drawing two family trees on a whiteboard] Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through [draws a question mark] delusion. Jim jim Michael! My water's breaking! Dwight dwight Oh, OK! OK! Michael michael Aaaaaaaa! What do you do? What do you do? Dwight dwight I get a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital. Michael michael Right. Highways or surface roads? Dwight dwight I take Quincy Ave to Gibson. Michael michael No, Gibson is covered in potholes. Your car breaks down. Adapt! Dwight dwight I checked the route - there are no potholes. Come on, get in here and have the baby. Michael michael It's about adapting to the circumstances. Dwight dwight [annoyed] Andy, would you like to have my baby? Michael michael Yes! Yeah. [squatting and pushing] Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Aaaaaaaa! Andy andy No. OK, no. I'm crowning! I'm crowning! Aaaaaaaa! [runs into Michael's office] Dwight dwight All right, OK. [to Andy] Sorry. Sorry. Here we go. Here we go! Michael michael The pressure! The pressure! Dwight dwight Do it! Do it! Scream! Scream it out, scream it out, scream it out. Michael michael Aaaaaaaa! Dwight dwight Aaaaaaaa! Michael michael Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision. Dwight dwight Just keep pushing... Michael michael [lying on Michael's desk] Hold me! Dwight dwight I'm right here. Michael michael Cradle my head! Dwight dwight I'm right here, I'm right here. Michael michael I'm screaming, I'm screaming, I'm screaming! Aaaaaaaa! Dwight dwight [annoyed] All right. Dwight. Just push and breathe. Michael michael Numb me up. I want anesthesia! Dwight dwight Shhh. No, you can't have it. It's too late. Michael michael No! I don't want natural! Dwight dwight No. You have to just push it out! Michael michael OK! Dwight dwight Keep simulating. Michael michael Aaaaaaaa! Dwight dwight OK! Michael michael Do you have the Sharpie?! Dwight dwight Keep simulating. Michael michael Do you have the Sharpie?! Dwight dwight Yes, I do! Michael michael OK! When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher can ever copy. Dwight dwight OK. Michael michael Ready?! Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Aaaaaaaa! Dwight dwight Aaaaaaaa! It's coming! Here we go! [drops the watermelon onto the floor] Oh! God! Wow! What was on that? Michael michael Butter. Newborns are slippery. Dwight dwight Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again. Michael michael [eating the watermelon] It is going to be the happiest day of my life. [Dwight gets dressed behind Michael and zips his fly] Michael michael Hello ladies, how's my shower going? Phyllis, did you get the live storks? Michael michael No. Phyllis phyllis Damnit, Phyllis! I'm sorry. [more softly] Damnit, Phyllis. It was hard enough to convince Jan to come. So are we set for refreshments? Michael michael Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&Ms with the baby names. This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy." And this is the girl bowl, with M&Ms with the name "Astird." Angela angela That can't be right. Phyllis phyllis Michael wrote down "Astird." Angela angela She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So... Michael michael Ass...turd. Meredith meredith I know. I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you. Is this it? I mean, is this... Two bowls of M&Ms and some balloons? You know what Phyllis, I think you need to step it up. I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken, we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower, Phyllis? Michael michael It does not matter to me at all whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it. It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub. Have you seen that video? It is... it's so bizarre and unnatural, but... it, it happens. Michael michael Hey, I'm collecting for the baby shower. Phyllis phyllis But Phyllis, it's not his baby. Kevin kevin I know, Kevin. Phyllis phyllis Why do we have to pay money to get a gift for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby? Oscar oscar Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake. Phyllis phyllis I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee. I'm no longer under Angela's heel, and her little grape head is under mine. Phyllis phyllis [banging on the glass] Hey, hey. What are you doing? Don't talk to them. Michael michael Sorry. Phyllis phyllis Make the party. Don't - make the party, please, Phyllis. [Phyllis starts inflating a balloon with a pump] Pump it! Michael michael [on phone] So you know Stacy, right? Pam pam Right, the one from England. Jim jim There's no one from England, Jim. Katie studied in Ireland - this is Stacy, the one who does the Murakami-style collages. Pam pam Oh. Right, that style. Jim jim So, Stacy and Eric get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab. Pam pam OK... Jim jim Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in. Pam pam Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen? Jim jim No, Sarah Kaya comes in. Don't interrupt, I have like thirty seconds to finish this and get to DigiPres. Pam pam OK. Jim jim So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats." And Stacy gets all up in her face and Sarah Kaya picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box. Pam pam [clearly just humoring her] No... way! Jim jim Yes! Pam pam Ha ha. That's hilarious? Jim jim No, it's horrible! Jim, she might get arrested. Pam pam Who, Stacy? Jim jim No, Stacy is a boy. Ugh. Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me? Pam pam Uh... Jim jim Oh, wait, I gotta go, class starting. [hangs up] Pam pam OK, I'll ta...I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] That was a good story. Jim jim Who's Sarah Kayacombsen? Dwight dwight Yo. I got the Nard-puppy for ya. What's going on here? Andy andy It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose. Angela angela Awww. Check it out - who would have thought that this little baby would be marrying that little baby? Andy andy That's Phyllis. Angela angela Well - Andy andy Yeah, it is. So I hope you two are very happy together. Pervert. Angela angela Why would that make me a pervert, I - Andy andy Well, it does. That's me. Angela angela That's not you. Andy andy Yes it is. Angela angela That's mean, come on, that's - [Angela storms out] Andy andy Ahoy, matey. Michael michael Ahoy. Holly holly Ahoy. So, how you doin'? Michael michael Good. Holly holly Um, listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today, and she is in the terminal stages of her pregnancy - the child of which I have a vested interest. It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is incredibly... fat and enormous right now - extremely unattractive. And you are, on the other hand, one of the more attractive people in the office. So, while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you. And I am doing this to pay respect to her bloated feelings. And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Michael michael Of course. Yeah. Holly holly I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry - do you think my nipples don't get sore too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital? Stanley stanley [Jan enters the office, pushing a stroller] Jan. Jim jim Hi, Jim! Jan jan What do we have here? Jim jim This is my baby. Jan jan Really... Jim jim Oh no... [Michael enters and notices Jan's baby] Dwight dwight Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's. Dwight dwight So this is Astird. Michael michael Astrid. Jan jan Oh, OK. Why didn't you call me? Michael michael Well, um, you know, labor just kind of started very suddenly and- Jan jan I could have helped. Michael michael And the birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there, so... Jan jan Oh, man. Him? That guy? He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways. Michael michael OK, you don't have any idea what I've been through, so, let's... Jan jan No, I don't! Michael michael I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower would be a good time for the two of you to meet. Jan jan Can I hold her? Michael michael Yes, yes you can. You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat. Yeah. Jan jan [cradling the car seat awkwardly] All right, OK. Michael michael I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me, and I think it's because they see me as one of them. But cooler, and with my life put together a little bit. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no government, and things could get terrible. It actually, probably - it would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion. Michael michael [carrying the car seat] Ladies and gentlemen, it is my privilege and honor to present for the first time in her life and in the office: Michael michael Ready to play some games? Let's do it! Michael michael Michael, the baby's already been born. Kevin kevin Uh, duh. Michael michael So we had games planned but the baby ruins all of them. Kevin kevin No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin, OK? The baby multiplies the fun. Let's just do what you were going to do. Michael michael OK... Who wants to guess when the baby will be born? Kevin kevin All right, how about some presents? I want to see some presents. [holding a memo pad] I got this so I can write down for thank-you notes. Michael michael Thank you. That's very sweet of you. Jan jan Whatta we got? Michael michael Um, we all chipped in and got you this stroller. Angela angela Oh! Michael michael Thank you. Jan jan She already has a stroller. Michael michael And this is way worse than the stroller she came with. Kelly kelly She's got an Orbit; that's a twelve hundred dollar stroller. Oscar oscar Huh. Twelve hundred dollars for a stroller? Phhhbt. Dwight dwight OK, what else? Michael michael Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller should be indestructible. [straps the watermelon into the stroller on the elevator] Dwight dwight [singing "Son of a Preacher Man" to Astrid] Being good isn't always easy / No matter how hard I try / When he started sweet-talking to me / He'd come and tell me everything is all right / He'd kiss and tell me everything is all right / Can I get away again tonight / The only one... Jan jan Hey you! Pam pam [on phone] Hey! You busy? Jim jim Not even. I'm doing laundry for the first time in like a month. Pam pam OK, OK, so you gotta hear this. So, Jan's shower is going on right now, and she's singing "Son of a Preacher Man" and everyone's just staring at her. Jim jim I can't hear anything, there's like, there's like machines going- Pam pam The song is about losing your virginity next to a church, and guess what - she's been singing for the last twenty minutes! Jim jim I can't hear anything! Pam pam Oh. OK, well you know what, I um, just call me later. Jim jim OK. Pam pam I'm not frustrated. Even if I were in Scranton, Jim and I would have days like this. We're just... a little out of sync. You know, that's all. Oh, great. I washed my lipstick. Pam pam [now belting out the lyrics, even though Astrid is asleep] How well I remember / The look that was in his eyes / Stealing kisses from me on the sly / Taking time to make time / Telling me that he's all mine / Learning from each other's knowing / Looking to see how much we've grown / And the only one... Jan jan [heaving the stroller into a tire yard] Don't hit the fence. Oh no, my child! Dwight dwight [throwing the stroller against a high chain link fence] Don't get stuck on the barbed wire! Dwight dwight [tossing the stroller off a tall heap of tires] Playtime is over! Dwight dwight So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth. Andy andy Well, actually, I, uh, I had a tub birth. And it was really, really quite amazing. Jan jan You gave birth in a tub? Angela angela Yeah, it's a really nice transition from womb to world, you know, kind of like a big womb. Jan jan Um, so you're in the tub with everything? Kelly kelly Oh, yeah, the afterbirth floats, yeah. Jan jan Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach. Creed creed Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed. Jan jan Ugh. Creed creed I'm done. Stanley stanley Me too. Oscar oscar And after the birth you get out and deliver the afterbirth. [everyone starts leaving] Jan jan Hey! Hey, no no no no no no no no. No. No. This is the birth story. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. And I should have been there. I should have been there to witness this. Michael michael I could have helped. Michael michael You're sad about this. I know that, and I wish that I... but... would it help if you held Astrid for just a, a little bit? Jan jan [smiling] Uh, yeah. Michael michael All right. Um, I'm just going to lie down for a couple of minutes. I'm exhausted, so um. Remind me to talk to you about Astrid's 529. Wake me in twenty. Jan jan [voiceover] I usually love babies, but when I held Astrid I just felt... shortchanged. Michael michael Phyllis? Could you take-. Michael michael Hey guys. Michael michael What's up, Mike? Darryl darryl Uh, I need some advice from one baby daddy to another. Michael michael You a baby daddy? Darryl darryl Yeah, I a baby daddy. Um, when you first became a baby daddy, did you have an immediate connection with that baby? Like, the first time that you held it, did you find that with your baby baby? Michael michael Hell yeah. You know why? Because that was my baby. Darryl darryl I just saw this baby daddy- Michael michael You should stop calling yourself "baby daddy." Darryl darryl Why, Darryl, because I'm quote white quote unquote? Michael michael Because you're not a daddy, and it's not your baby. Darryl darryl Well- Michael michael You feel connected to his baby over there? Darryl darryl It's- that's different. Michael michael You feel connected to this? [hold up his back brace] Darryl darryl That's not a baby. Michael michael You want to hold me, to see how you feel? Darryl darryl [sighs] Could I? Michael michael No. Darryl darryl [wakes up on the reception couch] Oh. I was just catching up on my sleep. Jan jan I can imagine. Holly holly Where's Astrid? Jan jan Oh, I think she's on a sales call. Holly holly On a what? Jan jan Waaa! More paper! Waaa! [she cracks herself up but Jan is unimpressed] No, she's just on a coffee break. Holly holly [sarcastically] That's funny. Jan jan She's with Angela. Holly holly [with Astrid covered in and surrounded by vegetables on a lunch table] That's good. Now, I need you to - I need it to look up here. Get the baby to look up here, ready? Angela angela OK. Yeah. Look at my finger. Look. Looook! Andy andy Now. Come on, up here! Angela angela Look up here! Andy andy Your hand's in it. Angela angela What? Sorry. Andy andy Yeah, that's a good one. Angela angela What are you doing? What's going on? Excuse me. Jan jan We're taking a picture. Andy andy [picking up Astrid] There you are. Jan jan She's nature's bounty. Andy andy You don't flash around a newborn baby. Don't you know that? Jan jan Michael, I need your help. Jan jan [sees Holly behind Jan] I was just going to... I was going to talk to Holly, about her hygiene. She smells like old tomatoes and dirt. Michael michael Uh... come on. Jan jan I like to call this... the bumper test. [drags the stroller behind his car and runs into it several times] Dwight dwight Sure you can't stay a little longer? Michael michael Oh, no, Michael, you know what? I really have to go. Jan jan All right. All right, everybody, we're leaving. Jan and Astrid are leaving. Michael michael You know what, where is the stroller that I came in with? Jan jan Oh. I took the liberty of putting it in your trunk. Dwight dwight Ah. Thanks, Dwight. Jan jan OK. You know what? There is, uh, there is one more thing that you can do for me. Jan jan OK? Michael michael Don't date Holly. Jan jan Wha - that's, I hate her. Wha - God! Why would you even ask me to - I, I mean, not that it matters, 'cause I don't, but wha - OK, all right, fine. Michael michael Thanks for the baby shower. It was great. And I'll see you... soon. Jan jan All right. Michael michael OK. Jan jan You still gonna be mean to me? Holly holly [just hugs her, and she hugs him back and smiles] You wanna go out? Michael michael Yes. Holly holly I didn't feel much when I held Astrid, but I got a good feeling from Holly. Michael michael [on voicemail] Hey, it's Jim. Leave a message. Jim jim Hi. Pam pam [on voicemail, because she's calling Jim at the same time] Hi, this is Pam. Leave a message. Pam pam [walking to his car] Hey, it's me. It is 5:03. Jim jim I figured I'd catch you walking to your car, but... Pam pam You must be out or something. Jim jim I'll leave a message. Pam pam Is it me, or are we just a little off today? Jim jim I guess this is just one of those days. It'll get better. Pam pam Hope you didn't have any major laundry issues. Jim jim I finished my laundry. Got all my socks. Nothing like that time that crazy guy pushed you. Pam pam Remember that time that I helped you do your laundry and that crazy guy came in and started yelling at you? Jim jim And then, remember, we went shopping the next day to buy me a washer and dryer? Pam pam Yet here you are, back in a Laundromat. Now, I'm just trying to help you, Beesly. Be safe. Jim jim You're probably upset that I'm even at a Laundromat right now. But, don't worry, I'm being safe. And I'm headed home. I'm... headed to my dorm. Not home. Pam pam Wish you were home. Uh, anyway... Jim jim Anyway, um... I miss you. Pam pam I miss you. Jim jim All right, how about we play the game where we guess how big the mother's belly is? Angela angela Oh! OK! Michael michael Well... Jan jan How many squares of toilet paper go around the waist? Angela angela Does that mean there's no toilet paper in the bathroom? Kevin kevin Kevin, relax. Angela angela OK, you know what, I don't think I need to do this one, because I only gained twelve pounds and I'm just going to get rid of all of that, so... Jan jan Seventeen. I say seventeen squares. Michael michael OK, give me the roll. I'll do it. Jan jan Do the boobs! Michael michael Yeah, we're not doing my boobs, Michael. OK, seven, someone give me the prize. [to Astrid] Oh, it's OK... Jan jan Did she really just have a baby? She's so beautiful. Holly holly Oh yeah. Wait 'til you get to know her better though. Jim jim Hey! HR lady, stop whispering in the corner please. Very rude. You're ruining the party. Michael michael I'm starting to get a feeling for what life was like around here for Toby. Holly holly [on the phone] It was terrible. Toby toby I know. Holly holly I prefer being stuck in a Costa Rican hospital. Toby toby Really? Holly holly Not really. Toby toby Hey Jan, you went to a sperm bank? Kevin kevin Uh, yes, I did. Jan jan I donated sperm. Kevin kevin Oh. Jan jan Maybe I'm the father. Kevin kevin Well, this is a highly exclusive establishment. Jan jan Next to the IHOP? Kevin kevin Well, I paid for an ideal specimen. Jan jan Are you saying Kevin is not an ideal specimen? Oscar oscar This is a wonderful shower, everyone. Thank you. Jan jan [to camera] I might have done it with Jan! Kevin kevin It's not Kevin's child. Can't possibly be. I mean, I don't know what I would do. Sue... icide? Jan jan [Jan nurses Astrid with her top down, office workers try to work] Okay, 'Stridly, you want to try the other side? Okay, here we go. That's good. Oh, good job. Jan jan Jan? What's new? Kevin kevin You know what, Kevin? Why don't you just go ahead and stare? Because, you know, it's, it's fine with me. I mean, this is sooo natural, and so beautiful, and... Jan jan Seriously? You're okay with that? Kevin kevin Of course. I mean, there's nothing erotic about this, you know, it's, it's, it's what these [shakes a breast] were made for, you know, I mean they're full of baby milk, they're... nourishing my baby, so... [tosses head proudly, Creed comes up to stand next to Kevin, staring directly at Jan's chest] Michael! Jan jan Hello, spoiled little baby, [to a watermelon] in your fancy brand name stroller. Mmm, I wonder if it's as safe as they say it is. Oh, look, a curb. Uh oh, let's see what happens... [lets it go, it flies off the curb, stays upright, and stops safely] Inconclusive. [pushes it out into the street, it rolls to a stop] Spartans would leave a weak baby by the side of the road. My parents left me beside the road. I crawled home. Dwight dwight Not so weak, huh, Mom? Dwight dwight Gosh, Mommy feels like taking a jog. [runs with stroller] Oh, no! Mommy forgot to wear a bra, and her big fake boobs are really hurting her, and she needs to let go, she can't control the stroller any longer [forcefully pushes stroller away toward uneven ground with junk strewn around, the stroller hits some junk, stays upright, and stops safely] Dwight dwight Let's see what this baby can do... [drives car fast, holding stroller alongside the car, stroller remains fine] Aaaah! Aa-aaah! [throws it ahead of the car, it goes for a while and then is stopping] It's a hardy stroller. [takes watermelon out of stroller, holds it up to show camera] Maybe it's safe! Dwight dwight