[on the phone] Well, I should go. Pam pam Alright. I'll tell everybody here that you say hi. Jim jim No, don't. I'm mad at them. Pam pam Why, what happened? Jim jim Not one of them called to congratulate me on our engagement. Pam pam Ah. That... they might be off the hook for because I... didn't tell them. Jim jim What? Why not? Pam pam I just didn't, you know, want a deal. Jim jim Come on, it won't be that bad. Pam pam OK. You know what? Here we go. [stands up] Uh, everybody? I just want to make an announcement. Pam and I are engaged. Jim jim [speakerphone] Hi everyone! Pam pam I thought you were already engaged. Oscar oscar Nope. Jim jim That was Roy. She was engaged to Roy. Angela angela Thank you Angela. Jim jim I got a gift for Pam and Roy. Do I have to get another one? Kevin kevin Yes. Jim jim A little close to my engagement there Tuna, what's your game here? Andy andy To get married. Jim jim [raises hand] She's not a virgin, you know. Dwight dwight Wow. Pam pam [walking in] What's going on? Michael michael No, nothing. Nothing Michael! Just saying hi. [Michael waves "hi" at the phone] Pam pam The tall guy got engaged. Creed creed [to Jim] To be married? Michael michael Yep. [Michael hugs/tackles Jim] Jim jim Sorry. Pam pam Pencils down! [Dwight quickly puts his pencil down] Just kidding, take your time. Holly holly Today is ethics day. After they finish their quiz I'm going to run my first ethics meeting here. It's gonna be insaaaaane. No, it's not. I have to read from the binder. Holly holly [trying to assist Michael, who is trying to press play on a CD player] I got it, I got it. [Olivia Newton-John's "Let's Get Physical" starts to play as Holly and Michael jog into the meeting room, dancing] Dwight dwight Let's get ethical! Ethical! I wanna get ethical! Let's get into Ethics yeah! Let me hear that Dunder Mifflin talk! Your body talk. Let me hear your body talk. {Michael} & {Holly} michael holly WOO! Alright! Michael michael "Why are you helping her? You're not even dating." She's my friend... and... ultimately my strategy is to merge this into a relationship... without her even knowing. Uh... Michael michael Ok, let's give it for Miss... Holly Flaaaax! [everyone claps] Michael michael Thanks Michael. [Michael groans exhaustingly] Today we're going to have a business ethics seminar because recently, without mentioning any names, there has been some misconduct at corporate and we have a very strict ethics policy and that employee has been fired. Holly holly Oh come on! He's right there. [points at Ryan] He was hired. [to Jim] Oh check it out, "Hired Guy." Kevin kevin Nice. [they bump fists] Jim jim Ok, elephant in the room. Let's talk about it. Do I regret what I did? Of course I do. Even though it was an amazing ride, and I'll give you an example. Anyone see Survivor season six? [Dwight raises his hand] Anyone know Joanna on that show? [Dwight nods] In New York City, I hooked up with a girl who looked exactly like that. Indistinguishable. So... Ryan ryan [clapping] Ok. Well done. Good speech Ryan, you're a good guy. Michael michael Let's start discussing those questionnaires that you filled in this morning. It is wrong to make personal calls during work hours. Now, some of you marked that you very strongly agree. But ideally you would have selected totally agree. Holly holly I thought very strongly agree sounded stronger than totally agree. Phyllis phyllis Corporate would like to emphasize that ideally you would all totally agree with that statement. Holly holly Well, I think we can all totally agree that Holly is totally fantastic. [claps] Michael michael Thank you. In fact, spending a half hour at the water cooler during work hours is a form of stealing. Holly holly What? Kelly kelly Yes, it's called time theft, and it's the same as taking money from the company. Can anyone think of examples of things that are over the line time wasters? Holly holly This meeting. Stanley stanley Hey-oh! Andy andy Yes. Dwight dwight [to Holly] Can't set 'em up like that. Michael michael Why is ok for smokers to take breaks all the time? If I want to go outside and hang out once an hour, then I'll just take up smoking. I'll do it. I don't care. Kelly kelly I'll smoke with you. I got a bag of cigars in my purse. Meredith meredith Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about. Holly holly Can we have a moment? [whispering] Can I talk to you for a sec? Lot of good stuff. And you look... you look fantastic. Michael michael Michael. Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael What should we be working on while you guys are talking? Dwight dwight Do some... do some work. [whispering to Holly] People expect a lot from these meetings. Laughter, sudden twists. Surprise endings. You need to be Robin Williams and M. Night Shyamalan. You need to be Robin Shyamalan. Michael michael Well, I just have to get through the binder. Holly holly Do you... just... you're kind of losing them. Michael michael I am? Holly holly Yeah, don't think about the stakes. It'll freak you out. Michael michael Ok. [to everyone] Michael makes a really good point so, uh, let's just open this up a little bit. Say my name is Lauren and here I am shopping in a supermarket and I steal a pencil. That's not right. Holly holly [coughs to hide his words] Lauren, [coughs] enough with the pencils. Michael michael No, I have to go over pencils and office supplies. It's part of the ethics thing. Holly holly That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules. Oscar oscar I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ... Boom! Andy andy Exactly, Andy. Oscar oscar Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal. Andy andy It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male. Dwight dwight No that's... not how it works. Andy andy I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry. Michael michael Ok, but we should get back to business. Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the workplace. Holly holly Anybody? This is a chance for you to say something without any repercussions. Stanley? Oscar, come on. Michael michael Pass. Oscar oscar I will go first. When I discovered YouTube I didn't work for five days. I did nothing. I viewed Cookie Monster sings Chocolate Rain about a thousand times. Michael michael What was the dilemma? Holly holly To tell you or not. And I'm glad I did. I feel very very good. Cathartic. I promise you that you are not going to get into trouble. You can say anything you want with total and complete immunity. Michael michael Oh-- no no no. Holly holly Yeah, [interrupting gibberish]. Come on, anybody. Let it fly. Michael michael Ok, once in a while I'll take a long lunch. Oscar oscar A siesta! Michael michael Time thief. Time thief! Fire him! Dwight dwight Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time? Jim jim Never! Dwight dwight You are a thief of joy. Anybody else. Yeah? Michael michael Sometimes I download pirated music onto my work computer. Kelly kelly Who hasn't? Good. Good! What else? Michael michael No-- I, I'd like to hear more about that. Holly holly Mmm... Michael michael I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it. Angela angela Well, let's keep this party movin' on. Michael michael I'll go. Have you guys ever met Bruce Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill? Meredith meredith Bruuuuuuuuuce. Michael michael Well for the past six years I have been sleeping with him in exchange for discounts on our supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates. Meredith meredith Jackpot. Jim jim Ach! Wuh-- Michael michael Meredith, that is serious. I mean not only that a conflict of interests, there's also an exchange of goods. Holly holly Exchange of steak. Have you ever had sirloin steak, honey? Meredith meredith That's crazy. That's crazy talk! Meredith! The Merenator, sleepin' with suppliers! Hoo-ooh! Wow! What time we got? [checks watch] You know what? That's a good place to end it. Right there. This, I think, was a great ethics seminar. She has given us a lot of wonderful things to think about. Right... what is wrong. Who's to say? Really. In the end. I mean because it is... unknowable. But, let's give her a round of applause. Holly, everybody. Holly! Get back to work. [everyone applauds, then leaves] [to Holly] Great job. I am truly impressed. That, uh, you really pulled that one out. Classic. Classic meeting. We should celebrate. Michael michael Michael, there is some serious issues with Meredith. Holly holly Oh... Michael michael I mean all of you have done things I wouldn't have done myself but Meredith's actions are really over the line. Holly holly Nnyeah. What ya gonna do? Michael michael So, regarding this supplier, approximately how many liaisons have there been? Holly holly Liaisons, you mean meet-ups? I don't know, once a month for six years. Something like that. Meredith meredith Meredith, why don't you tell Holly... it's not what she thinks. Nothing unethical happened... and that you just like to sleep around. Michael michael Am I in trouble here or something? Meredith meredith No... no, this is just a stupid formality. Michael michael No, it's not a formality. Now, were these, um, meet-ups just personal? Unrelated to business? Holly holly Nah, I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for the discount paper. There's not a lot of fruit in those looms. Meredith meredith Ughh! For the love of God we're trying to help you... stupid bag. Michael michael What I don't understand is... why the steak coupons? I mean, if you were already getting the discounted paper? Holly holly Well it's funny. Maybe it's a girl thing, but after we did it, and he would give me those coupons, I just felt good about myself. [Holly begins to write in her notebook] Hey what's going on here? I thought I had immunity? Meredith meredith Well unfortunately immunity or something being off the record does not really exist in the workplace. I mean I've never heard of anyone who's kept their job after something like this. Holly holly Well... I'm not quitting. Meredith meredith [starts a stopwatch as Dwight yawns, stops it when Dwight is done] Yawn. Four seconds. Jim jim What are you doing? Dwight dwight Oh you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time so... I'm just making sure. Jim jim Oh, so wait a minute, you're going to time me every time I yawn? That's absurd. [Jim smiles and starts the stopwatch] Really? [in a mocking voice] Oh hey look, monkey knows how to use a stopwatch everybody! He's ti-- [Dwight conceeds and goes back to work, Jim stops the watch] Dwight dwight Personal conversation. Seventeen seconds. Jim jim There is no way that that was-- [Jim starts the watch] Dwight dwight [stops the watch] One second. Jim jim Well, well. Holly... lujah! It's a miracle, you're at your desk. Michael michael It's Mike-raculous. Holly holly Hoo-ooh! Reaching! You'll get there. Anyway, I was giving it some thought, and there's no reason that two attractive, good looking, intelligent, funny, attractive people can't, you know, just... sit down and work this whole Meredith thing out. Michael michael Sounds good. Holly holly Good. Would you care to bang it out over lunch? Michael michael Oh I already bought this... Holly holly Oh no, no, no. Your food is no good here, my lady. [sweeps her food into the trash can, misses] Sorry! You know what? Let's go out! Dunder Mifflin's treat. Um, actually you're not a client... so... we'll just split it? Ethical. Michael michael So, I've gone over corporate policy. Holly holly What do you think? What do you think of this place? Michael michael Oh, it's very nice. Holly holly Istn't it? Yeah, it's kind of... business/romantic. So you're from Des Moines? Michael michael Mmm. Holly holly Wow, that sounds so... warm. Michael michael In Summer. Holly holly Here too. You know what my favorite season is? Michael michael Maybe we should talk about Meredith first. Holly holly Yeah, get the boring stuff out of the way. Autumn was what I was going to say. When the leaves change. It's just, I... I think it is the most contemplative of seasons. Michael michael Ok, so I have gone over this and I have thought about it and I just don't think there is any way I can write a report that doesn't end with her being terminated. Holly holly Wow, terminator, terminator. Michael michael I'm from da future. Holly holly Yeah. Michael michael Hey, Andy. Jim jim Yo. Andy andy By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night? Jim jim No, I did not. Was that any good? Andy andy Actually not. It was really so-so. Jim jim Ok. [Dwight turns around, but Jim holds up the stopwatch, threatening to start it] Dwight dwight I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff. You know, like klingons and wookies and all that but... [Dwight begins to turn around again, Jim holds up the watch] Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight? Jim jim Is that anything like the original Battlestar Galactica? Andy andy You know, it's weird. It's practically a shot for shot remake. Jim jim Really? [Dwight closes his eyes, clutches the paper in his hands] Huh, that's cool. Andy andy Story's kinda bland. It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor. Jim jim Really? That doesn't sound right. Andy andy I just don't want my employees thinking that their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what sort of place is that to call home? And Meredith needs this job. This is her main source of money. Michael michael Well, that's very sweet but we have to follow the protocol. Those are the rules. Holly holly Ok, new idea. We don't report it at all. We just punish her. Michael michael We punish her? Holly holly Mmhmm, tell her she can't have sex for six months. Michael michael I don't think we could enforce that. Holly holly I don't know. I saw this thing, like a belt with a key. Michael michael A chastity belt. Holly holly No, it's more of a underwear garment that has little spikes like made of, sometimes they are made of metal. You know what I am talking about. You unlock a little door that... down... where you, where you put, where you put the... Michael michael He has not stopped working for a second. At 12:45 he sneezed while keeping his eyes open, which I always thought was impossible. At 1:32 he peed, and I know that because he did it in an open soda bottle under the desk while filling out expense reports. And on the flip side, I have been so busy watching him that I haven't even started work. It's exhausting, being this vigilant. I'll probably have to go home early today. Jim jim I am just saying that I don't think that you understand what I am saying. Michael michael No, you are saying that we should sweep it under the carpet, accept the discount on supplies, not fire Meredith and pretend like the whole thing never happened. Holly holly Yes. Michael michael What am I saying? Holly holly Well... bleh busted. I don't... Michael michael I'm saying that her behavior is unethical and a little icky and I don't think I want to work in an environment where that sort of conduct is tolerated. Holly holly Well, you have to tolerate a lot when you are part of a family. Michael michael It's not a family. It's a workplace. Holly holly I will be honest with you. That car ride did not go well and that was not my fault. The only reason I am standing out here right now is because I don't want to take the elevator with her. And I am holding on to her leftovers. [throws Holly's leftovers in the trash] Michael michael [Dwight walks back to his desk] 19 minutes and 48 seconds. What were we doing for 19 minutes and 48 seconds? Jim jim None of your business. Dwight dwight So I guess I can assume that was personal. Jim jim [Dwight stares at Angela, buttoning the top button of her blouse] Fine. Dwight dwight So maybe you're not completely ethical after all. Jim jim Yes, maybe I'm not. [Dwight grins and gives a sly look at the camera] Dwight dwight It's been a little tense. People are suspicious of me. And my best friend in the office won't even talk to me. Turns out being the morality police does not make you popular. I should know because in middle school I was the hall monitor and the kids used to stuff egg salad in my locker. I was just hoping middle school was over. Holly holly Kendall from corporate HR is on line one and Holly is on her way in too. Ryan ryan What's the only thing worse than one HR rep? Michael michael Two HR reps. Ryan ryan You get me. Michael michael Can I sit? Holly holly I don't know. Can you? Kendall, my main man. Michael michael [on speakerphone] Listen, Holly, Michael, I just got the report that your branch submitted and there's a lot of stuff about a relationship Meredith is having with.. Kendall kendall Yes, that came out during the ethics seminar. Holly holly Let the record show that it was during the immunity part of the seminar. Michael michael Well, I'm not sure these circumstances warrant any action. Kendall kendall Oh, I think it is pretty clear that it was unethical. Holly holly Well, from what I can gather it seems like a gray area. Look, to be honest the company is getting a discount at a tough time in our balance sheet and I don't know that the right thing to do for the company is to turn our noses up at that. Kendall kendall Umm, Kendall, I understand that the discount is good for the company but I'm just not happy about the way we are getting it. Holly holly I thought it was clear with you, Holly. Your task was to get signatures from the employees showing that they completed the training. Kendall kendall No, I understand. Holly holly Every other branch has managed to get this to us so if it's not something you can handle then that's a different discussion. Kendall kendall No. I can do it. Holly holly Good. Kendall kendall How do you tell somebody that you care about deeply, "I told you so." Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way. Michael michael Can I have everyone's attention? Excuse me, may I have everyone's attention, please. We need to finish the ethics seminar. Holly holly No way, lady. Andy andy It's a trap. Kevin kevin Everyone, please, I just need your signatures to show corporate that I gave you the training. Holly holly Don't sign anything. Meredith meredith Ok, everybody listen up. If you are not in that conference room in two minutes I am going to kill you. Michael michael It's a quarter to five and I have started to gather my things. Stanley stanley Get in there right now or I'm gonna lose it! [everyone gets up to go in the conference room] Michael michael Am I getting fired? Meredith meredith Now is really not the time, Meredith. Michael michael In this next section we examine the difference between sick days and personal days. Sick days are only to be used when an illness precludes you form doing your job or can spread to your coworkers. Personal days, on the other hand, are much more flexible. Holly holly Thank you, Meredith, this was delicious. Phyllis phyllis Hey, where is the steak sauce? Meredith meredith I think we're out. Kevin kevin I got some in my minivan somewhere. Meredith meredith Wait a second, how does the steak factor in again? Andy andy I think she got it as a tip, but I don't know why she didn't just take cash. Kevin kevin I don't care what she's doing. I just hope she keeps doing it. Phyllis phyllis Amen. Just keep the ribs coming. Stanley stanley Stealing office supplies is another big ethical area that there seems to be some confusion about. Holly holly That's a big ethical area? Oscar oscar Listen, I would love to have an honest conversation with management about ethics. Why isn't the company doing better? Mmm... it could be the pad of Post-its I took home last week. Or it could be the twelve million dollars in deferred compensation in stock options they paid the CEO for a year of substandard performance. I'm sure we'll cover both in the seminar. Oscar oscar I've done some things I'm not proud of. Committed some atrocities in Vietnam, uh, two years ago. Princess Cruise Lines. Creed creed During our honeymoon safari in Africa, Bob and I were driving late at night, and he'd been drinking, and suddenly thump. We hit something with our jeep. It was probably a man. We didn't know what to do. We heard the police were corrupt and they might beat us, so we just kept driving as fast as we could. We bribed the airline, got on a plane that night, and fled home. Maybe it was just an ostrich. In a soccer uniform. Phyllis phyllis Have any of you ever faced any ethical dilemmas in the work place? Holly holly Let's keep this rollin'... Ryan? Michael michael Oh, but you mean other than embezzling? Jim jim Fraud, Jim, Fraud. Ryan ryan Fraud. Jim jim Sure, last year you guys were riding me really hard for the website and I just peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the mirror off somebody's car. I never said a thing. Ryan ryan Wait, what? Kevin kevin You knocked the mirror off of my car. Kevin kevin Yeah, isn't that messed up? Ryan ryan Yeah. Kevin kevin That guy did a lot of things I'm not proud of. Ryan ryan Wait, when you say "that guy", you mean you? Kevin kevin I mean the guy I used to be. I'm Ryan 2.0 and if it makes you feel any better, that guy did a lot of messed up stuff to me too. [tries to walk away] Ryan ryan No, you mean that you did a lot of messed up stuff to you... too? Kevin kevin Look, I feel you okay? That guy took no responsibility for his actions. Ryan ryan But are, are you gonna pay for my mirror? Kevin kevin If I have to answer for everything that guy did... [shakes head] I'm never gonna move on. Ryan ryan It was like two hundred dollars. Kevin kevin We're never going to get what need from that guy. [still shaking head, pats Kevin on the shoulder and walks out of the kitchen] Ryan ryan Hey, anybody see a pair of sunglasses? Ryan ryan Umm... I think I saw some in the kitchen. [toaster oven bell rings, Ryan opens it as smoke rolls out and he see's his melted sunglasses on the tray, Ryan takes cooked sunglasses to Kevin] Oh! I didn't do that. That was Kevin 1.0, but he hurt a lot of people Ryan, and I can't accept responsibility for what he did. [Ryan walks away and throws his sunglasses in the trash, Kevin smiles] Kevin kevin What are we gonna do? Meredith meredith About what? Stanley stanley Holly. She's on the warpath. She is gunning for all our jobs. Do you guys have any dirt on her? Meredith meredith Mmm... sometimes her stockings have a run in them. Phyllis phyllis No. Something I can blackmail her with. Meredith meredith One time I said good morning to her, and she didn't say it back. Phyllis phyllis Stanley, didn't she say a bunch of racist stuff to you? Meredith meredith No, that was you. Stanley stanley You weren't even in the room! Thanks for nothing. Meredith meredith Hey, how did it go? Meredith meredith Oh, cr..., oh, God. Meredith, you know what? I just need a minute, okay? Michael michael Okay. [remains sitting] Meredith meredith What do you need? Michael michael I'm getting fired, aren't I? I can't get fired. I got nothing else. Nothing. No skill set. Can't type, bad on the phone, not great with people. Meredith meredith I... really want to keep you. Michael michael Where else am I gonna get another job that lets me come it at eleven and leave at four? Meredith meredith Wait, what? Michael michael I wish Toby was still here. Meredith meredith Nnnngah! Michael michael