All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering] Michael michael From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more. Dwight dwight This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days. Michael michael What should we do with all these leftovers? Meredith meredith I'm taking the dumplings for my wife. Stanley stanley No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers. Dwight dwight I can bring these to my shelter. Creed creed I'm taking my dumplings. Stanley stanley [sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife. Dwight dwight Dwight, Dwight! Michael michael Michael, it's time. Dwight dwight Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up. Dwight dwight Don't go breaking my scale. Darryl darryl I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked. Andy andy Ex-squeeze me. Holly holly No, I will ex-squeeze you. Michael michael OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays. Michael michael Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow. Dwight dwight [smiles, looks to Michael] Jim jim I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today. Andy andy All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke. Oscar oscar Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday. Andy andy OK. [holds elevator] Stanley, come on. Oscar oscar Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. [takes the stairs after the elevator doors close] Stanley stanley I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted. Stanley stanley And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. [Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose] Holly holly Jimbo. Michael michael Ah, they moved the shower. Jim jim Did you see Holly's butt? Michael michael No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why? Jim jim Why? Michael michael Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts. Jim jim I know. Michael michael But what have you learned about her? Jim jim I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read "Lonesome Dove" three times. Michael michael Nice. Jim jim And that her butt refuses to quit! Michael michael Well, I tried. [Michael laughs] Jim jim [follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane. Michael michael I'll just go later. Jim jim I thought you had to pee. Michael michael [forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks] Dwight dwight Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City. Oscar oscar Oh, thanks. I should check that out. Holly holly Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch. Oscar oscar Actually, I'm a lesbian. Holly holly I'm gay! Oscar oscar I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke. Holly holly What's the joke? Oscar oscar There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women. Holly holly Oh, you think it's a choice? Oscar oscar Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just- Holly holly I'm messing with you, Holly. Oscar oscar I knew that. OK, bye. Holly holly OK. Oscar oscar So you have the directions. Jim jim Yes. Pam pam You have a toothbrush. Jim jim Yes. Pam pam You have a cell phone charger. Jim jim I have everything. Pam pam Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212? Pam pam Fax this for me. Dwight dwight Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes. Jim jim It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind. Dwight dwight Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay- Andy andy What? Angela angela Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper. Andy andy Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding. Andy andy No. No. Angela angela This is where my parents decided not to get divorced. Andy andy I don't care. Angela angela OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out] Andy andy [exiting warehouse storage room] Ahh. We done good in there, half pint. Dwight dwight Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it. Angela angela Monkey. [kisses her] Dwight dwight No, no. I have a fiance I very much like! Angela angela [sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey! Michael michael What happened? Jim jim [frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it? Michael michael I should really get going. Pam pam No. OK. Um, the last word is "seagulls." Michael michael I'm sure it was really lovely. Pam pam I took a lot from other poems. Michael michael Call me when you get in. [kisses Pam] Jim jim OK, bye. Pam pam Bye. Jim jim All right, call- [leans in to kiss Pam] Michael michael No, Michael. Pam pam Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here... Jim jim OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week. Michael michael It doesn't matter, Michael. Angela angela Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go. Michael michael Oh, fancy meeting you here. Holly holly All right. Michael michael OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds. Darryl darryl All right! Michael michael I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork. Jim jim [rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat! Michael michael Wikka wikka wikka what? Holly holly Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie. Ronnie ronnie I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her. Jim jim Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. [laughter] Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media. Professor professor I'm in the wrong class... Pam pam Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. [sees Pam leaving] And looks like I'm boring someone already. Professor professor Oh, no. I just- Pam pam Please sit down. Professor professor You're shaking. Are you all right? Holly holly Just leave me alone! Kelly kelly [sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So ... gonna look amazing. Kelly kelly Hi, can I help you? Ronnie ronnie I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow. Jan jan Hi Jan. Kevin kevin Hi. Jan jan How's the candle game? Kevin kevin Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? Jan jan Cool. Thank God they found her, too. Kevin kevin Oh, they found her? Jan jan Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in. Michael michael When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father. Jim jim Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet? Holly holly That's his ex. Jan jan Oh, she's very beautiful. Holly holly Yes, she is. And clinically insane. Oscar oscar So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number. Holly holly OK. Oscar oscar Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it. Angela angela No! You do not talk to him like that! Holly holly But he's an idiot! Angela angela Hey! Kevin kevin He is not an idiot! Holly holly Thank you, Holly. Kevin kevin He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here. Holly holly Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded? Kevin kevin Well, no. Dwight... Holly holly Oh, Holly, that is very offensive. Angela angela I'm sorry. Holly holly Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C. Andy andy Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No. Angela angela [walking into storage room] Hurry, we have to make this fast. Angela angela Let's do this thing. Dwight dwight [Dwight slaps her butt] Hey! Angela angela I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night! Angela angela All right, I am connecting and ... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications- Jim jim [on computer screen] I can see you! Pam pam All right! Jim jim This is so cool. Pam pam So what is going on, girl in the computer? Jim jim Lunch with a girl from my hall. Pam pam Uh-huh. Jim jim Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer. Pam pam OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done. Dwight dwight No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you! Michael michael Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous? Pam pam Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day. Michael michael The nerve. Pam pam Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please? Michael michael They're on the supply shelf. Pam pam Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go. Michael michael New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please? Pam pam OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts. Michael michael 2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back. Darryl darryl Damn it. Come on. Michael michael [Kelly faints] Oh! Oscar oscar Oh, my God! Kevin kevin Come on, Bernard. [Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past] Dwight dwight Here we go. Everybody on. Michael michael All right, we're set. Dwight dwight Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound. Darryl darryl I was on an IV for two days at the hospital. Kelly kelly I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds. Stanley stanley Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite. Phyllis phyllis Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time. Phyllis phyllis How's it going? Michael michael It's going well. Phyllis phyllis Good. Michael michael I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake? Holly holly Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis] Michael michael We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while. Phyllis phyllis Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis. Michael michael What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years. Michael michael Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country? Michael michael Shotgun weddings. Dwight dwight That's not what that is. Jim jim Fright. Being scared to death. Creed creed No. Michael michael Obesity-caused illnesses. Holly holly Obesity-caused illnesses. Dwight dwight Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose? Michael michael I would like to lose 65 pounds. Jim jim Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds? Michael michael No. My doctor wants me to gain weight. Angela angela If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this? Michael michael Cryogenics. Beer me five. Jim jim This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing. Michael michael All right, I'm taking off. Jim jim Booty call. Michael michael Nope, just going to see Pam. Jim jim Here. Michael michael Maybe put up some shelves. Jim jim Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me. Michael michael OK, thank you for ... this. Jim jim You want more? Michael michael No. Jim jim I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things. Andy andy It's not my problem. [dials phone] Angela angela Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call. Andy andy That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. [walks away] Angela angela Sweetheart. [Angela turns around] Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. Andy andy [Angela kisses him] Hey-oh! Andy andy I know I haven't made this easy on you. [Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.] Angela angela [knocks on door] Hi. Jim jim Hi. [they kiss] Mmm. 'Cause- [looks toward camera] Pam pam Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. [closes door] Jim jim [music playing] It's a pretty lame party. Michael michael Does anyone want to dance? Ronnie ronnie [watching baseball game on TV] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out. Jim jim Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake. Phyllis phyllis I don't like cake anymore Stanley stanley Why not, dawg? Andy andy Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava. Stanley stanley Michael, we have a situation. Dwight dwight They should not be in that room. Dwight dwight That's so lame they didn't invite us. Holly holly You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them. Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight Let's go mini-golfing. Michael michael Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight. Holly holly Uh... Michael michael It'll probably be a total disaster, but... Holly holly Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time. Michael michael Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin. Dwight dwight You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early? Michael michael Really? Holly holly Yeah. Michael michael Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck. Holly holly Good luck. Michael michael Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her. Michael michael Party's over. You are so busted! Dwight dwight OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit? Michael michael You said fruit, Michael. Phyllis phyllis And what is that? Michael michael Cake. Phyllis phyllis You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing. Michael michael Happy Birthday, Stanley! [kicks cake onto Michael] Dwight dwight It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off. Holly holly [spreading peanut butter on a bagel] What? Kevin kevin Oh nothing. Creed creed It's just some of us are taking this really seriously. Kelly kelly I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico. Kelly kelly That wasn't a tapeworm. Creed creed [walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception]. Ryan ryan Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him. Michael michael And you got a goatee! Ryan ryan I did! Michael michael Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine? Ryan ryan Yes. Gooooo-tee! Michael michael Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan] Kevin kevin Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny. Ryan ryan Yeah. Kevin kevin It's great to see you Kev. Ryan ryan You too. Kevin kevin I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list. Ryan ryan Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community. Ryan ryan Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service? Jim jim I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. Ryan ryan But he did, right? Jim jim All right. Ryan ryan All right. Jim jim [glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list] Ryan ryan Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds. Darryl darryl Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms] Michael michael Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking? Andy andy Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok? Holly holly NO! I want names! Andy andy This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life. Andy andy So how was your date? Oscar oscar Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right? Holly holly [groans painfully] Michael michael What's wrong? Holly holly [struggling to speak] Mmm-- mmm... Um... Michael michael Close the door. This is your fault. Michael michael Nope. Jim jim Your stupid friend zone. Michael michael Mmm. Jim jim I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh-- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man! Michael michael Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began. Dwight dwight How much weight have you lost, Dwight? Jim jim I am hardly the problem, Jim. Dwight dwight No, you're definitely the problem. Jim jim This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills. Dwight dwight Kelly. Ryan ryan Oh, hello Ryan. You look well. Kelly kelly I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed. Ryan ryan Cool. Kelly kelly We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight? Ryan ryan Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so... Kelly kelly That-- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around. Ryan ryan It's a small office. Kelly kelly Yeah. Ryan ryan Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line. Dwight dwight Yes you were. Phyllis phyllis But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested? Dwight dwight Split the commission? Phyllis phyllis [sighs] Sixty - forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I'll drive. Dwight dwight [exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan] Ryan ryan Dieting's only half of it. Holly holly Mmm-hmm. Saunas. Michael michael And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym. Holly holly Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh] Michael michael Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers. Jim jim Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything. Friend friend What? Pam pam My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me. Friend friend Really, where? Pam pam No no! Don't look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him] Friend friend Wow, was it the age difference? Pam pam Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers] Friend friend Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends! Pam pam [storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Are you insane?! Phyllis phyllis Hey, hey! Dwight dwight Oh my God, what happened? Oscar oscar There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone. Phyllis phyllis And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps] Dwight dwight You left me in a bad part of town! Phyllis phyllis Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] You look great. I can definitely see the difference. Dwight dwight [into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace. Phyllis phyllis "...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting--" Holly holly [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody! Michael michael What are you doing? Holly holly Fair question. Jim jim I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful. Michael michael It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented. Michael michael Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society. Michael michael See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you. Jim jim If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, "Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?" Michael michael Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump. Kevin kevin How do you know Michael Clump? Michael michael Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character. Oscar oscar How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people. Michael michael I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!" Oscar oscar No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, "I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!" Dwight dwight No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man. Michael michael Vamping. Dwight dwight Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please? Michael michael Eh, I've been sitting all day. Dwight dwight We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved? Michael michael I did. Ryan ryan Why? Michael michael [at a loss for words] Ryan ryan So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over-- Professor professor [to friend] Nice. Pam pam Quiet please. Professor professor Sorry. Pam pam Sorry. Friend friend Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march. Michael michael She should thank me. Dwight dwight Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first. Michael michael Why should I have to thank him? Phyllis phyllis You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok. Michael michael [exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise. Dwight dwight Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful? Michael michael [stands up] Everything. She's perfect. Ryan ryan I like her nails. Meredith meredith Ok, be more specific. Michael michael I like her fingernails. Meredith meredith I like her purple dress. Phyllis phyllis What about her looks? Michael michael Hell of an ass. Creed creed ...what else do people like? Kelly kelly I wonder what people like about me? ... Probably my jugs. Phyllis phyllis Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself? Michael michael I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me! Kelly kelly I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm. Michael michael Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer? Jim jim Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers. Michael michael Oh... Ryan ryan Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee] Michael michael How was Friday night? Oscar oscar Oh, I had a good time, but it's been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so... Holly holly He'll call. Oscar oscar Oscar, enough with the girl talk please. Michael michael You guys lost four pounds. Darryl darryl Hey! Michael michael I say we have a parade. Darryl darryl We better. Dwight dwight Excellent! Good job. Michael michael So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so... Jim jim You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you. Pam pam I know. I suck. Jim jim Yes, you do. Dwight dwight Dwight says "Hi." Jim jim I do not! I do not say "Hi" Pam! Dwight dwight Now he is saying "Hi" louder. Jim jim I... listen, umm, we're still good for this weekend, right? Pam pam Umm... Jim jim No football games, recitals, karate tournaments. Pam pam Hey, can you go to IM? Jim jim OK. Pam pam OK. Jim jim Let's meet for lunch. JIM9334 jim What are you writing about me? Dwight dwight What -- today? Receptionitis15 pam Yeah. C'mon we'll meet halfway. You'll be back for your 4 o'clock class. JIM9334 jim I'm gonna write you both up for not working. Dwight dwight I'm gonna write you up for not working. Jim jim Ok, well played. Neither of us'll write the other up for not working. Dwight dwight Where? Receptionitis15 pam The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o'clock. JIM9334 jim Alright. See you there. : Receptionitis15 pam [holds up an ASCII image of Dwight] Jim jim Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call? Michael michael I just got off... Kendall? I just got off... Holly holly No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call? Michael michael Oh, no. Holly holly Really? Michael michael No. Holly holly Aach. Michael michael And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call? Holly holly I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He'll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco. Michael michael Thanks. That's sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds. Holly holly Ugh. Michael michael Well, at least everyone lost weight. That's all that really matters. Holly holly Wait, do we have until the end of the day? Michael michael So we're only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it's a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all. Holly holly Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. [turns up thermostat] It's gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge. Andy andy Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them... or he quits them because they are unfair. Andy andy [Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food? Michael michael Nope. Kelly kelly We're trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please? Michael michael Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late. Jim jim Ok, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, ok? Michael michael Perfect. Jim jim [sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray] Dwight dwight I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff. Angela angela Your wish is my command. Andy andy Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy? Angela angela Of course! Andy andy Really? Angela angela Yeah! I mean it's a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know? Andy andy Mmhmm. Angela angela And you know what? The guys already know it so it's easy breezy. Andy andy The guys? Angela angela I didn't tell you. Andy andy Mm-mm Angela angela Here Comes Treble, class of '96 was available for our big day, so, I booked 'em. Andy andy I don't think that... Angela angela And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so... it totally works out. Andy andy I don't know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band. Angela angela Ok, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You're gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that's me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for. Andy andy [Angela dials the phone] Let's talk about this later. [Dwight's pager buzzes] Angela angela Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows] Andy andy Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch. Pam pam [Jim gets down on one knee] Jim jim What are you doing? Pam pam I just... couldn't wait. Jim jim Oh my God! Pam pam Pam, will you marry me? Jim jim Oh my God! Pam pam So? Jim jim Yes! [they embrace and kiss] Pam pam God. Where is Jim? Dwight dwight I'm calling it. I guess that's curtains for the yoga guy. Holly holly Aww, really? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing... Michael michael Yeah? Holly holly ...was that he was a complete stupid idiot. Michael michael Aww man, I really wanted to see them. Holly holly I know. I love Counting Crows. Michael michael Look at where my seats were. Holly holly Wow, really? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly That's a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you. Michael michael Michael, you don't have to buy them. Holly holly I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do. Michael michael Ok. Holly holly Ok? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, ok? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so... Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Is that good? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Hey, sorry everybody. Jim jim What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You're late. Dwight dwight Wet Tuna! Andy andy Hey Dwight. Jim jim OK. Michael michael What's up, Meredith? Jim jim Nothing. Meredith meredith Dripping on me. Dwight dwight Darryl, would you do the honors? Michael michael Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys. Darryl darryl Nonono, no, no, I don't want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don't care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers. Michael michael I don't know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just gonna take five days off anyway. Stanley stanley [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I've been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven't seen the beach. It's nice to have visitors. Toby toby [to Holly] I'm doing the blood type diet. Kelly kelly Who gives a f[bleep]? Meredith meredith What'd you say h[bleep]? Kelly kelly Okay, great. I got it. Holly holly Look what just arrived from the Nashua branch. [reads from card attached to gift basket] "Here's something to enjoy on your three non-vacation days. Nashua branch." Can I send them a dead deer? Dwight dwight No, you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna take that and we are going to us it as a reward for the end of our competition. Michael michael Classy. Dwight dwight My dream vacation? I sleep in, putter around the farm, go fishing for a few hours, take a long run in the forest, check the traps. Then the sun comes up and I head into work, which is empty, because everyone else is out of town on vacation. Dwight dwight [seeing Kevin throw out bunch of M&Ms] Nice job, Kevin. [Kevin fills jar back up with another candy] Oscar oscar I'm pretty fit. But in the gay community, there's a lot of pressure to be ripped. I got straight abs. I want gay abs. Oscar oscar Can you turn the heat down now - it's oppressive. Oscar oscar Yeah, totally. I'm sorry, Oscar. Yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you. Andy andy It's just... Oscar oscar 'Cause it's kind of bothering all of us, 'cause it's really hot, you know, it's hot, so we can lose weight, so we don't screw up this whole contest for the entire freaking office, but if you want, I'll turn it down. Andy andy Hello, hello. Hey! Your face is almost back to normal. Michael michael One more kid calls me "Hellboy," I swear to God... Meredith meredith Oh, you wish. Hellboy's a hero. Dwight dwight These guys took me out on their fishing boat. I don't think I caught anything. Meredith meredith Have you been to the beach yet? Oscar oscar [on the computer] No, but I'm going zip lining tomorrow, through the, through the rainforest, with this cool couple I, I met at my hotel. Wo-woman's amazing... Toby toby Hey, Oscar! Come on, let's go! Michael michael Okay, Toby, I gotta go. Oscar oscar Hey, is that Michael? Does he miss me? [laughs] Uh, Oscar? Are you there? Hello? [sighs] Toby toby I am suspending you without pay for the rest of the year. Michael michael No, you're not. Jim jim Okay, no, I am not. Dwight! [Dwight runs into Michael's office] I want you to take Jim's chair. No! No! His chair at his desk. He gets it back on Friday. Michael michael All right! Dwight dwight I want you to get your ass out of my face. Michael michael [sitting on a stack of paper] Yeah, well, if you're only free till three on Sunday and I can't get there till one, then it's gonna be pretty tight. Jim jim [from his office] That's what she said. Michael michael [as Dwight tries to take paper out from under him] Hey, can you not? Jim jim Can you not? No sitting devices, Michael's rules. Dwight dwight No, no, no, definitely, definitely. Yes. Next weekend, then. All right! I love you, too. Jim jim Gah! [tries to dislodge paper with his feet] Dwight dwight Hey, um, my daughter said you traded her a headband for her Nintendo DS? Darryl darryl Oh yeah, she loves that headband. Kelly kelly She's six. Darryl darryl She manipulates you. Kelly kelly Okay, I'm gonna need you to make this right or else we can't be right. Darryl darryl I never know when you're kidding. Kelly kelly I can't feel... I can't feel anything that you're doing, Michael. Jan jan Well... Michael michael It's like nothing's happening. Jan jan You're...you know what? I read in one of those books that you're not even supposed to give foot massages because it can induce labor. Michael michael Oh, just stop making excuses and just dig in there. Jan jan I'm digging. Michael michael When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us all to believe that he was the father... by telling us he was the father. But then we got this e-mail from Jan. [waves paper and reads from it] "Hi, everyone! Jan here, writing to share some wonderful news and to quash a rumor. First, the great news - I am expecting. The beautiful baby inside me will be ready to meet the world this fall just a few months before the launch of the new Serenity by Jan line (shameless plug, I know, don't hate me, LOL). Anyway, I also wanted to clarify that the father is not anyone that you or I have ever met. Remember, no matter how excited someone is about my baby, it does not make them the father. Best, Jan. P.S. Hope to ship you something soon." Jim jim I can't wait to be a father. I'm going to smother that baby. Michael michael Uh, new wicks from Craft Corner, uh, this dress [hands Michael bag] returned to Suburban Casuals, and uh, panty liners. Jan jan I really, I don't want to get panty liners, please... Michael michael Well, I, you said you wanted to help, so I... Jan jan I know, it's... Michael michael Will you be able to milk with those implants? Dwight dwight You mean breastfeed? Jan jan Yeah. [Jan starts to get up] Easy there, old girl. [tries to help her] Dwight dwight Uh, I'm fine, thank you. Jan jan Okay. Dwight dwight Would you just call me when you're done with the errands, Michael? Jan jan Yes. Michael michael [as Jan leaves room] Careful. Hmm. She was a keeper. Dwight dwight I want you to get the panty liners. Michael michael Done. Dwight dwight