What's wrong Michael? Pam pam I got gum in my hair. Michael michael You do. Pam pam This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it. Michael michael You've got a ton of dandruff. Dwight dwight OK, let me be. Michael michael How'd you get gum in your hair? Jim jim I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil. Michael michael But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter. Jim jim Kill me... right now. Michael michael We have peanut butter in the kitchen. Pam pam I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich. Michael michael Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am. Jim jim No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad. Pam pam Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about. Michael michael Smells good. Michael michael Taste good too. Dwight dwight Oh don't. That's disgusting. Michael michael Wow! Lot of calories. Dwight dwight Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice. Michael michael Hey Michael, how was your date last night? Dwight dwight [sighs] Michael michael I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness. Michael michael I am livid, Absolutely livid. Oscar oscar It's ridiculous. Angela angela Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working. Ryan ryan My favorite branch. How's everybody doing? Ryan ryan Hey man, you mind if I run something by you? Jim jim Love it. Go. Ryan ryan Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that. Jim jim I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that. Ryan ryan Thanks. Jim jim David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right? Ryan ryan Did I? I don't... Jim jim You did. Yeah. Ryan ryan Hmm. Jim jim Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding. Ryan ryan Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or... Michael michael Ok thanks Michael. Ryan ryan Yeah. Michael michael I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions. Ryan ryan Question. Dwight dwight Dwight. Ryan ryan Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made? Dwight dwight This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site. Ryan ryan I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that. Stanley stanley I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O. Ryan ryan When will that be? Stanley stanley TBD. Phyllis? Ryan ryan Did the police solve the problem with the... Phyllis phyllis Yes, yes they did, yes they did. Ryan ryan Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators. Ryan ryan I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all. Dwight dwight Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one. Jim jim It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store. Ryan ryan And then an older gentleman asked you "Boxers or briefs?" Jim jim I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site. Creed creed If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself. Kelly kelly Do you have a question Kelly? Ryan ryan Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Kelly kelly [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good. Michael michael Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend. Michael michael You too. Ryan ryan Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan] Michael michael Michael let me go. Let me go Michael. Ryan ryan Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me. Michael michael Na. Ryan ryan Na? Michael michael Sorry man. Ryan ryan Well you tried. Michael michael But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city. Ryan ryan Yeah. Michael michael Unreal. Ryan ryan They sound great. Michael michael Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace. Ryan ryan Would you have sex with Meredith? Michael michael What? Jim jim Do you think she'd keep it quiet? Michael michael I'm gonna go to my desk. Jim jim Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that... Michael michael I know. Jim jim Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan. Michael michael I can't. Jim jim Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome. Michael michael I'm not single. Jim jim Who you dating? Michael michael Pam. Jim jim That's still going on? Michael michael Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls. Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying. Andy andy I'm right here. Angela angela No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three. Dwight dwight Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift. Michael michael We get it. Angela angela I am going to go get laid. Goodbye. Michael michael [laughs] With sex! Dwight dwight That's... I, I think that... Michael michael You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow. Jim jim So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one. Jim jim Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative. Michael michael Place is packed. Michael michael Fire hazard. Dwight dwight Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall. Michael michael Women look like white slaves. Dwight dwight No, they're just hotties. Michael michael I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour. Ryan ryan Hey. Michael michael Michael. Ryan ryan Hey! Michael michael What are you doing here? Ryan ryan Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada. Michael michael That is so awesome man! Ryan ryan Alright! Michael michael And you brought this guy! Ryan ryan Yeah. Michael michael Aww! Ryan ryan Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight. Michael michael I know it's you guys. Ryan ryan Ok. Michael michael I'm so psyched you're here! Ryan ryan Well. Michael michael Woooo! Ryan ryan Alright! Michael michael Let's get a drink. Ryan ryan Let's do it! Michael michael Thanks a lot guys, Good job. Jim jim Later. Kevin kevin Nice job everybody. Great work. Jim jim Did you not tell the security guard we were working late? Stanley stanley Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now. Jim jim You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left. Pam pam Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead. Stanley stanley There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks." Pam pam Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy. Ryan ryan Hey, nice to meet you. Michael michael Hey, how ya doing? Troy troy Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character. Dwight dwight Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard. Ryan ryan No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit. Dwight dwight Bottle service ya'll? Ryan ryan Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour. Michael michael We don't serve food here. Waitress waitress Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries. Michael michael Do you live in a regular sized house? Dwight dwight Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool. Ryan ryan You really don't have his phone number? Jim jim I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number? Pam pam I might have it in here. Toby toby Aw! That's great Toby. Pam pam It's so random that I have it. Toby toby Toby, you're the best. Pam pam When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it. Toby toby Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or... Jim jim No. Toby toby It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick. Jim jim Yes, it's Eddie. Andy andy It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or... Jim jim Hank, his name is Hank. Creed creed No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar? Jim jim Elliot. Phyllis phyllis Elliot! Oscar oscar Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here? Jim jim Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms? Ryan ryan Good. Dwight dwight This guy owns his own beet farm. Ryan ryan Insane. Troy troy Well it's weevil season but we were prepared. Dwight dwight Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean? Ryan ryan They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out. Dwight dwight Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom. Ryan ryan You've already been several times. Dwight dwight Yeah. Ryan ryan Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection. Dwight dwight I don't know, maybe. Ryan ryan I'll order you some cranberry juice. Dwight dwight With vodka, you're the best. Ryan ryan [to troy] Do you have powers? Dwight dwight [on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it. Jim jim We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas. Oscar oscar Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's. Toby toby Yeah, neither did I. Angela angela Jim was supposed to collect it. Phyllis phyllis Yup... Jim jim Way to go, man. Kevin kevin Now he's never gonna come. Kelly kelly By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands] Andy andy Phyllis. Pam pam I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie. Michael michael I've never heard of that movie. Girl in Club girl-in-club Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Michael michael How old are you? Girl in Club girl-in-club Forty... I'm in my forties. Michael michael Wow. That's so cool. Girl in Club girl-in-club Nuhh... Michael michael Well I'm gonna go back to my group now. Girl in Club girl-in-club Oh, OK. Michael michael Thanks for the drink. Girl in Club girl-in-club You are welcome. Michael michael This place is like sexy pre-school. Michael michael Did you want a place where we could meet older women? Ryan ryan I would love a place where we could meet older girls. Michael michael Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor] Ryan ryan Ahh, wow. That's dangerous. Michael michael [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard. Ryan ryan [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me. Dwight dwight Yeah? Tall Girl #1 tall-girl [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other? Dwight dwight Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs. Tall Girl #1 tall-girl Wooo! All Girls all-girls Amazons. Dwight dwight [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks. Ryan ryan You're kidding. Michael michael Let's bail. [starts to leave] Ryan ryan Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go. Dwight dwight We're not going unless we can all go. Tall Girl #2 tall-girl OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go. Dwight dwight Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw. Toby toby I know how to throw a football. Pam pam Course you do. Toby toby Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face] Andy andy Owww! Meredith meredith Oh God. Kevin kevin There you go. Bartender bartender Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this? Dwight dwight It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar] Bartender bartender Oh. [dumps drink out] Dwight dwight What are you doing man? Troy troy It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try. Dwight dwight I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool. Michael michael That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do? Girl in 2nd Club girl-in-club I am a bank teller. Michael michael Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance. Michael michael Cool. Girl in 2nd Club girl-in-club I think so. Michael michael Yeah. Girl in 2nd Club girl-in-club Yeah, I have fun. Michael michael I'm just gonna just use the powder room. Girl in 2nd Club girl-in-club All right. Michael michael So I'll see ya soon. Girl in 2nd Club girl-in-club Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan] Michael michael She washes dogs. Michael michael You're doing it man. Ryan ryan I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom. Michael michael Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world? Ryan ryan Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy] Michael michael It's inevitable, right? Ryan ryan Hmm... Michael michael [on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up. Jim jim Hello? Hank hank Haaank. Is that you? Jim jim Yeah. Hank hank Still haven't left the house yet, huh? Jim jim I'll get ready to leave. Hank hank Good. Please hurry. Jim jim [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Hank hank Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. Jim jim [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls. Michael michael Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow. Pam pam Why? Oscar oscar I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles] Pam pam More like "Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday." [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away] Toby toby [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad. Michael michael Why wouldn't they let me dance? Ryan ryan Well... Michael michael OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away] Troy troy Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club] Michael michael [to Dwight] You have to go with me. Tall Girl #1 tall-girl I do, I have to go. Dwight dwight Stay. Stay, please? Tall Girl #1 tall-girl No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright? Dwight dwight Call me. Tall Girl #1 tall-girl Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her. Dwight dwight Let's go. Michael michael I don't wanna go back in. Ryan ryan I know, here we go. Michael michael [notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us. Jim jim Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish? Oscar oscar I... just... if they speak Spanish. Jim jim [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK? Oscar oscar Ohh... Cleaning Lady cleaning-lady They happened to speak Spanish. Oscar oscar Lucky us. Jim jim This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment] Ryan ryan Wow. Dwight dwight This is it. Michael michael All right. Dwight dwight This is where the magic happens. Michael michael Nice. Dwight dwight Very nice. Michael michael One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have... Ryan ryan I got sofa. I got sofa. Dwight dwight Dwight, I'm the boss. Michael michael I got floor. Dwight dwight Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on. Michael michael [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick? Dwight dwight No. [Dwight starts singing in German] Ryan ryan Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone. Michael michael It's a lullaby. Dwight dwight Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off. Michael michael No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do? Ryan ryan I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours. Dwight dwight Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it. Michael michael Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK? Ryan ryan OK. Good night Ryan. Dwight dwight Best night ever. Michael michael Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys. Michael michael [drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch. Hank hank You're gonna be okay, it's gonna... Michael michael Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes. Dwight dwight Ahh, ooh! Michael michael I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. Dwight dwight [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on. Michael michael That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi. Dwight dwight Dehydration. Ryan ryan Here we go, let's sit down. Michael michael It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times. Dwight dwight All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone. Michael michael Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time. Troy troy You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know... Michael michael Friends with a hobbit. Dwight dwight Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all. Michael michael Yeah, New York is great. Ryan ryan No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic. Michael michael Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Ryan ryan Well, now I can say that I went to a museum. Michael michael [Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that? Phyllis phyllis That's the other Boleyn girl. Pam pam Oh. Phyllis phyllis Honestly, the book is so much better than this. Oscar oscar Shh. Pam pam [through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so... Stanley stanley [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Hank hank Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby] Jim jim Was he still there? Kelly kelly No, that was his wife, so he's on his way. Jim jim Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom. Kevin kevin Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev. Jim jim If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now. Angela angela Somebody's always got to be a hero. Stanley stanley I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim. Kelly kelly Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility. Jim jim Mmm? Pam pam Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer. Jim jim I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job. Pam pam Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation. Jim jim Ryan? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan Do you ever miss us? Michael michael Not really. New York is...so great. Ryan ryan Ryan? Michael michael Yes. Ryan ryan Do you remember what color my eyes are? Michael michael Hazel. They're hazel. Dwight dwight Dwight, I asked him. Michael michael No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah. Ryan ryan Really? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan Not just because he said it? Michael michael No. Ryan ryan Ryan? Michael michael You're my friend, Michael. OK? Ryan ryan