W.B. Jones is renovating their offices and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get. Pam pam So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there. Jim jim Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today Jim. Pam pam Oh today, we saw a junk yard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken. Jim jim Nature. Pam pam Been here nine years. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away. Oscar oscar I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar. Andy andy [sitting down, rubbing his feet] I will quit. As God as my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed. Kevin kevin Some of us like the walk more than others. Pam pam [off screen] Hurts like hell. Kevin kevin [to Michael who is looking at a chair catalog] Did you pick a new chair? It's been awhile. Pam pam Pam, when I first opened this catalog, I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair. Michael michael But instead, you found something to distract you from ever picking out a chair. Pam pam Michael started the process of selecting a new chair about three weeks ago. And normally I wouldn't care, but he promised me his old one. It's way better. It's one of these. [makes a shrrhhh sound of a chair moving downward as Pam slumps down] I really want it. Pam pam [holding up the catalog] Have you ever seen this woman? Michael michael Her? Pam pam Hmm... Michael michael The one in the really great mesh black high-back swivel chair? Pam pam Look at her smile. Those eyes, look at her eyes. She's got - I don't know what it is actually, she dresses like a professional and yet you know there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch. Michael michael Or in a great chair. Pam pam Oh, yeah, maybe, but remember after my dinner party when I said that I was swearing off women? Michael michael I definitely remember your dinner party. Pam pam I think what I meant was that I was completely swearing off one woman. [whispers] Jan. I think that fate put this catalog in my hands. Michael michael Actually, I put the catalog in your hands 'cause you have to pick out a new chair. Pam pam What is it like being single? I like it. I like starting each day with a sense of possibility. And I'm optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate and desperate situations yield the quickest results. Michael michael Ladies and gentleman, would you please open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85. [phone rings] Michael michael [on phone] Yo, is this his new chair? Creed creed [on phone] No, he hasn't picked one yet. Pam pam [on phone] Daat! Creed creed When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair. Then I'll have two chairs. Only one to go. Creed creed I am ready to start dating again. Getting back on the market. So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about fixing me up with any of your friends, use the woman on page 85 as a template. That will be all. Michael michael I left my cell phone in my car. Andy andy Call us when you get there so we know you're OK. [Andy gets up and leaves] Phyllis phyllis [to Kevin] Listen man, I am completely over Jan, so, would you set me up? Michael michael If I had someone to set you up with Michael, then I'd take her for myself. Kevin kevin I thought that you were engaged? Michael michael Nope. Stacy broke up with me. Kevin kevin Whaaaat? God, that's terrible man. Eghh, she's crazy. Umm, are you still on good terms with any of her friends? Michael michael Not anymore. Kevin kevin Oh... Michael michael It's a bitter situation. Kevin kevin Yeah... ugh. She's... [gets up and leaves] you don't deserve her. Alright. Michael michael [sitting on Oscar's desk] Oh hello Oscar Mayer Weiner lover. I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal girl type friends that trust you implicitly because they know you'd never touch 'em, because of your condition. Umm... Michael michael Michael? Phyllis phyllis What? Michael michael I have a friend who's single. Phyllis phyllis Oh. Michael michael Sandy. She's gorgeous and she's got a feisty personality, too. Phyllis phyllis Hmm, I see, feisty. So she's not jolly or sassy? Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer? Michael michael Umm, no, she's a professional softball player. Phyllis phyllis Oooo. Catcher or in field? Michael michael Umm I don't know Michael. Phyllis phyllis Is she a dress wearer or a pants wearer? Could we share a row boat? Could, could a row boat support her? Michael michael What are you asking? Phyllis phyllis I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking. Would an average size row boat support her without capsizing? [silence] It bothers me that you're not answering the question. Michael michael No, alright no, she can't fit in a row boat. Phyllis phyllis Damn it, I knew it! I knew it Phyllis! OK! Michael michael What is wrong with these people? I would do anything for them and they're just hanging me out to dry. Michael michael Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me, but it is and you know why? Because nobody here is willing to help me. Nothing would ever get done in this office without a formal request, would it? Well, fine. Here goes. Michael michael I don't think that this is-- Angela angela Well, now OK, I know that this is probably not appropriate, but I need help. Because I want to play ball with my kids before I get too old. And before that happens I need to get laid. And before that happens I need to be in love. And I don't wanna hear "Ahnnn... I can't help elhh la la." No. No. I'm a catch and I am not going to be the one who got away. So, this is what we're going to do. Dwight is going to hand out index cards and I want you all to write down the name of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day. No, by the end of the hour or you are fired. Michael michael [gets up from chair] Write legibly people. Dwight dwight Because of the construction at W.B. Jones, half of us have to park in the satellite lot. Andy andy Hmm.. Michael michael It's like a ten minute walk. Andy andy No, thirty. Kevin kevin Well, look, I am in an assigned parking place in front, so... Alright, alright, alright, umm let me try to think about what it would be like to not have one. [thinks] OK, yes that would be bad. Michael michael Yes. Kevin kevin Yes. Andy andy That would be bad. Michael michael OK. Andy andy Nice. Kevin kevin ...So help us out. Andy andy Wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't. Michael michael Michael, please he- Kevin kevin What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin? Look I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be a good exercise for you guys to do it yourselves. Michael michael We won't let you down. Andy andy Oh you can't because I don't care. Listen, [Kevin and Andy high five as they leave Michael's office] don't forget to fill out those cards. My love cards. Michael michael There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card. Stanley stanley Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway, he can just deal with it. Phyllis phyllis [to Jim] Who are you putting down? Pam pam Oh, you don't know her. Jim jim Who is it? Pam pam Your mom. Jim jim Yeah, whatever. [Jim holds up the card] [Pam laughs] Give it to me. Give it to me. Pam pam Ok, Wendy. Hot and juicy red head. Give this a try. [Michael dials phone number. Phone rings.] Michael michael Wendy's. Wendy's Phone Operator wendys-phone-operator Hello Wendy, this is Kevin's friend, Michael. Michael michael This isn't Wendy. Wendy's Phone Operator wendys-phone-operator Oh, I'm sorry, could you put her on please? Michael michael Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant. Wendy's Phone Operator wendys-phone-operator [under breath] Damn it Kevin. OK, umm, could I just have a frosty and a baked potato please? Michael michael You have to come to the restaurant to order food. Wendy's Phone Operator wendys-phone-operator Well, I'll send somebody to come pick it up. Just have it ready. Michael michael It's ready now. Wendy's Phone Operator wendys-phone-operator Well put it aside. [hangs up the phone] [Dwight enters] Umm... yeah. Michael michael OK, I have collected the rest of the ladies. Dwight dwight Good. Good because this batch was awful. Umm... this one says chair model... Michael michael I wrote that. Michael, you shouldn't have to settle. This is my pledge to you. I will find her and I will bring her to you and as God as my witness, she shall bear your fruit. Dwight dwight That sounds good. [both smile] Go get her. Wa-Wait, wait, wait, wait. First, go to Wendy's, get my food. Come back and then go. Michael michael [on phone] That is fantastic. Thank you, thank you very much. This is just what I needed. Dwight dwight The furniture company gave me the name of the advertising agency. They gave me the name of the photographer. The photographer, a Spaniard, used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency. The agency gave me the following information. [reads from notepad] Deborah Shoshlefski. 142 South Windsor Lane. Dead. Car accident. Case closed. Dwight dwight She's dead? [Dwight makes knife slitting noise] She's so young. Michael michael She was so young and now she is dead. As dead as every dead animal who has ever died. Dwight dwight Oh, God. Oh... Michael michael Why don't you sit down? Michael... come on. [gets up and leads Michael to sit in his chair] Here we go. Yeah. Dwight dwight Michael, you didn't even know her. Jim jim Try not to be so hurtful Jim. Michael michael Jim, how dare you. [Jim's face is in shock] Dwight dwight Please, not at a time like this. [sighs] Michael michael OK Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you. Pam pam Oh really? What's her name? Burger King? Michael michael No, I mean it. [walks towards Michael] She's really nice and sweet and you guys might actually get along. [hands over card to Michael] Pam pam I don't, I don't think I'm ready. Is she hot? Michael michael I'm setting Michael up with my land lady. She's really sweet and... whatever, I just can't take Michael like this. Pam pam No question about it, I am ready to get hurt again. Michael michael We need to assemble the five families. Kevin kevin [while brushing teeth with an electric toothbrush] No, not the five families. Michael michael We have to. Kevin kevin The five families are the five companies of Scranton Business Park. The bosses rarely meet. There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin. Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited. They call him "Cool Guy Paul." W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air. Grade A Bad Ass. And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye. Bill Cress is super old and really mean. Kevin kevin [still brushing teeth] Sorry, I don't have time for this right now. I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend. And she needs to meet me right now. Michael michael [to Andy] I'm calling the meeting anyway. Kevin kevin [to cashier at coffee shop] Thank you very much. Our suspect has straight brown hair. She is wearing blue jeans and a black top. So... behold our bachelorette [cut to a blonde woman in a skirt]. Give her ten for looks and a three for her ability to describe herself. Hello, my lady. [woman walks right by and doesn't respond] Michael michael Michael? Margaret margaret [turns around to see the woman from his description] Ugh. Michael michael Are you Michael Scott? Margaret margaret Is who a Michael what? Michael michael Oh, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael. Margaret margaret Oh, that's not, yeah I'm not... OK... Michael michael Michael? Michael? [reads cup] Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint. Coffee Shop Worker coffee-shop-worker So you get the rent checks every month and what happens next? What... Michael michael You're asking what I do with the checks that people write to me? Margaret margaret Just making conversation. Michael michael Why is it so hard to meet people? I... you know... it's uh... All I want is somebody nice and sweet and someone I can talk to and share an experience with, you know? Why is it so hard for people like us? Michael michael I don't know. Margaret margaret You wanna see what I walked out on? This is gonna blow your mind. [holds up cell phone with a picture of Jan] Look at that. Michael michael She's beautiful. Margaret margaret Yeah. Yeah, and you can't see her whole body. Down here, she's got a boob job. Just... she was just crazy smart and really manipulative and I don't know. Michael michael [on phone] Michael? Hello? Michael? [Michael hangs up phone] Jan jan I'm gonna head out. Margaret margaret Oh, OK. Well, umm... I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet old lady on the bus. Michael michael That's incredibly rude. Margaret margaret Now you ruined it. [gets up and leaves] Michael michael Where's Scott? Bob Vance bob-vance Uh Michael Scott could not make it today due to an unforeseen prior engagement. Andy andy Let's just meet back in an hour. W.B. Jones wb-jones Gentleman please. We called this meeting. Andrew Bernard is the name of me. And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone. Andy andy [nervously stuttering] I... have... things... Kevin kevin Alright, what do you want? W.B. Jones wb-jones Well first of all, I'd just like to say [pulls out note cards] what an honor it is to be sitting here with you gentlemen. Andy andy You have about ten seconds-- W.B. Jones wb-jones We want our parking spaces back! Kevin kevin Whose parking spaces? Paul paul W.B. Jones' construction guys park in our parking spaces every morning and some people have to park really far away and walk all the way to the office. And some people sweat too much for comfort and-- Kevin kevin Ohh... God... Bill Cress bill-cress I don't have time for this you guys. [to W.B. Jones] Just give 'em back their spaces. Paul paul OK. W.B. Jones wb-jones We good? OK. Could have done this over e-mail. Paul paul After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile. And, and it was hard to see... [starts breaking up] It's just nice to win one. Kevin kevin Margaret the land lady? Really Pam, is that what you think of me? Michael michael She's sweet and cute. I thought you'd get along. Pam pam Oh, OK, Well I'm looking for a passionate affair, not companionship. I'm a man... of intensity, of, of cool and youth and, and passionately. God...[walks away back to his office] Michael michael [walks up to reception] Margaret? Jim jim I know. Pam pam You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment. [both laugh] Jim jim Oh I don't care, I didn't really like that place that much anyway. I'll just move. Pam pam Oh really? Who's gonna take you in? You're messy. You're a klutz, you spill everything. And you leave the volume on the TV way too loud. Jim jim Yeah, maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend 'cause he's kind of a slob, too. Pam pam OK, sure. Let's do it. [Pam laughs] Jim jim No, I umm, well I'm not gonna, I'm, I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged. Pam pam Have I not proposed to you, yet? Jim jim Hmm, I don't, know... Pam pam Oh, well, that's coming. [smiles] Jim jim Oh, right now? Pam pam No. Not gonna do it right here, that would be rather lame. Jim jim OK, so then, when? Pam pam Pam, I'm not gonna tell you. Hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works. Jim jim Oh, right, yeah. Pam pam Wait, I'm serious. It's happening. Jim jim Ohh kay. Pam pam And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp. Jim jim I've been warned. Pam pam I am not kidding. [shows camera an engagement ring] Got it a week after we started dating. Jim jim I don't know man. I was with Jan for so long. I was excited about meeting somebody new. Put my heart out there. It's just... [sighs] Michael michael You know what you need? Closure. Dwight dwight You're right. What do you mean though? Michael michael There was a woman in your life who affected you very deeply, and she left before you could say good bye. I think you need to say good bye. Dwight dwight Hmm. Michael michael Come on. I'll drive. Dwight dwight We did it. Kevin kevin [at same time as Kevin] I did it. Andy andy We got our spaces back. Kevin kevin Wow. [Stanley laughs and high fives Kevin] Oscar oscar Nice job. Pam pam Nice. [fist bumps Kevin] Jim jim Yeah, there it is. You're welcome. Andy andy Did I do this for me? No, I did this for the little guy. For Joe Sixpack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how's he gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up with oil. Wonders how I'm gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills. That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park. Andy andy [looking at the chair model's headstone] How did she die? Michael michael I guess you could say she died of blunt force trauma and blood loss. She got in a car accident and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger. Dwight dwight God. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight She was so innocent. Michael michael She was stoned apparently. Dwight dwight You know I used to think that I had this perfect person out there waiting for me, but knowing that, that's just silly because she's dead. What do you do? Michael michael You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out and you find someone who's still alive. Dwight dwight Oh, you move on. Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight Where do you want to go for dinner? Jim jim I don't know, I kind of hate all our regular places right now. Oh, you know what [Jim gets down on one knee], that one... Pam pam Hey Pam, will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe? Jim jim [smiling] I hate you. [walks away] Pam pam What? My shoe is untied. What is your problem? [Pam laughs] Oh my God, you thought I wa-- oh. Jim jim Oh, oh. Pam pam No, no, no. Jim jim How could I have thought that? How could I have thought that? Pam pam [singing] Bye, bye, Ms. Chair Model lady. I dreamt that we were married and you treated me nice. We had lots of kids...drinking whiskey and rye, oh why'd you have to go off and die? Why'd you have to go off [with Dwight] and die? Michael michael [singing] OH! You believe in rock 'n roll. Can music save your mortal soul? And then [jumbling up the words] can you have to dance real slow. Well, I know that you're in love with him. 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. [more jumbled words] 'You both kicked off your shoes. Those rhythm and blues... {Michael}/{Dwight} michael dwight Return. Michael michael Rhythm and blues... Dwight dwight This'll be [with Dwight] the day that I died. Michael michael It is moving day. I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm, taking a little bit of a vacation, clearing my head after Jan and I, um [Dwight puts his fingers to his head and makes a shooting noise] ssp... No, I did not kill her. We were just at different places in our lives. No, I thought I'd be the bigger man and allow her to stay at the condo. She has since moved on; she is staying with her sister in Scottsdale. Fresh outlook, and it's all good. Michael michael Okay, so look that over, make sure it's accurate. Dwight dwight Oh. What is this? Michael michael Your bill, minus the ten percent Dunder Mifflin corporate discount. Dwight dwight You were charging me? I'm your friend. Michael michael You occupied the America room for six weeks. That's our most popular room. Dwight dwight There was no other guest the entire time I was here. Michael michael Right. Because you were in the America room. In an election year. Dwight dwight Okay. All right, Dwight. Take my money. Go ahead. Keep in mind that this whole thing was just a business transaction. The late nights, the talks, the slumber parties, the crying jags, that was all business, that had nothing to do with friendship, and being friends. Just ring me up. Go ahead [Dwight tears up bill]. Michael michael Thank you, Dwight. Michael michael We don't take debit cards, anyway. Dwight dwight Dwight, little help with the bags, please. Michael michael So, what about you, Angela? Do you have any single friends? Michael michael I don't. Angela angela A cute little religious type, someone who wears a uniform, or... Michael michael A Catholic schoolgirl? Angela angela No, no, obviously older. Michael michael A nun? Angela angela Love. Marriage. Baby carriage. Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song. Jan and I had love. We did not have marriage. We did have a baby carriage, which I got her for bringing groceries home, after she got a DUI. Michael michael Hi, Michael. Kelly kelly [sitting at her desk] Hey, Kelly. Michael michael Yeah, what are you doing here? Kelly kelly Nothing. Just hangin'. Chillin'. No agenda. Would you consider hookin' me up with one of your friends? Michael michael Oh, all my friends are crazy. My one friend, Brianna... Kelly kelly Yeah? Michael michael Oh, my God... Kelly kelly That's hilarious. What's her number? Michael michael She's 23. Kelly kelly Mmm... nah, that's too young. Michael michael Actually, I know a ton of people that I can set you up with! Kelly kelly Oh. Michael michael Some of my friends' parents, they're getting divorced now. [Michael gets up and starts walking away] So I think some of those, like, older ladies, they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with. Kelly kelly ['Rita Klondike 507' is written on an index card] All right, time's up! Pencils down. Please pass your future Mrs. Michael Scotts forward. Michael michael Forcing your employees to set you up is not a, uh, uh, technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule. You know, but neither is forcing them to help you with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones. Huh-how do you make a rule book like that? Toby toby Pammy? Michael michael I don't have anybody. Pam pam You don't have one single girlfriend? Michael michael No... Pam pam I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here, just somebody to hang out with. Just fun, healthy young woman. Michael michael Sorry. Pam pam A kindergarten teacher, who is great with kids, maybe an ex-model, and now she wants to do something with her brain? Michael michael No, I don't, I... Pam pam How 'bout a professional volleyball player who models on the side? Michael michael I just... Pam pam You know, just a fun, guh, look, there, here, it doesn't have to be a model. I'm not, don't rule out model, but just in terms of models, there are like twenty different categories. There's face models, hand models, body models [Jim raises hand] - yes. Michael michael I actually know a sex model. Jim jim Really? Michael michael Yep. Yeah. She's blind, is that a problem? Jim jim No, I am, it's all about the personality, Jim. Michael michael Okay. Jim jim Are you talking about Beverley? Pam pam Yes. Jim jim Because she's not a sex model. She's a tollbooth operator. Pam pam Oh, yeah. Jim jim Send me a picture. Michael michael So far, these are my leads. A blind tollbooth operator and a twelve hundred pound catcher. It's a start. Michael michael