Can you confirm that the straps are tight? Michael michael Yes. But this [pulls at straight jacket] seems to be... Dwight dwight And now, the chains. Michael michael A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school. Michael michael MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. [Kevin giggles] Can he do it? I don't see how he can. Michael michael I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath. Dwight dwight No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE! Michael michael Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you? Jim jim I will get out. Oh yes, I will. Michael michael So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead? Pam pam No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael spits out key, Jim covers it with his foot.] Michael michael AHHHH! Michael michael Is everything ok, Michael? Kevin kevin Yes. Michael michael I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key... Michael michael Alright. Michael michael [trumpet sounds] Dwight dwight Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm. Michael michael Another worm? Like, are they friends? Jim jim It's early bird gets the worm. Dwight dwight Pam, would you smell my breath? Michael michael No, no. Pam pam Let me smell. [Michael breathes at Dwight] Good, not great. Dwight dwight "Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. Michael michael Jimbo, last chance to carpool. Michael michael Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car. Jim jim Sure? Might be a good idea. Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip. Michael michael Thanks. Jim jim Play some games? Michael michael Oh. Um. I think we're good. Jim jim I spy? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless? Jim jim Thanks for inviting me along. Dwight dwight Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? [phone rings] Heh-woh you. Michael michael Michael? Jan jan Hey, Buttercup. Michael michael Hi. Jan jan I am on my way. I should be there in about 15... Michael michael Let's just blow this party off. Jan jan That's what she said. Michael michael Am I on speaker phone? Jan jan Uh, yes you are. Michael michael Is anybody else in the... Jan jan Hello, Jan. Dwight dwight Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone. Jan jan No problem. [doesn't turn off speakerphone] Michael michael Ok. Let's just go to a motel... Jan jan Ok. Michael michael ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica. Jan jan Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I... Michael michael Still on speaker? Jan jan Ummm... I don't know. Michael michael Are camera's there? Jan jan Maybe. Michael michael See you soon. Jan jan Ok. Michael michael Talk to you later, Jan. Dwight dwight Alright. Bye. Michael michael Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come. Pam pam I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered. Roy roy Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things. Pam pam Ok. Roy roy I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy. Pam pam Beauty. Thank you sir! Michael michael Salad. Dwight dwight Thank you. Michael michael You dressed exactly like the servants. Dwight dwight Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me. Michael michael Wait. I don't think yours will fit me. Dwight dwight I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that. Michael michael That would have been really embarrassing. Dwight dwight Yes. Michael michael Crisis averted. Dwight dwight Ok. Michael michael Oh, that duck is so cute. Pam pam Hey Pam. Kevin kevin Hey guys. Pam pam Oscar. Angela. Kevin kevin Hi. Michael michael Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend. Michael michael Oh, um, potato salad. Michael michael It's from both of us. Dwight dwight No, it's not. Michael michael Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok. Rachel rachel Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. Michael michael It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know. Michael michael Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? Pam pam Yeah. Kevin kevin Oh my God, when is it? Kelly kelly It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this. Kevin kevin Hey. Roy roy Hey. You made it. Pam pam You said it was important, so... How's it going? Roy roy What's up, Pam. Kenny kenny Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis. Pam pam You guys, uh, want a round, on me? Roy roy Yeah. Everyone everyone Yeah? Get you a drink. Roy roy Thanks man. Kenny kenny No thank you, Roy. Angela angela Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces. Dwight dwight What are you looking for? You bring dip? Michael michael I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR. Jan jan Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too. Michael michael You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company. Jan jan Over our love. Michael michael I've never told you that I love you. Jan jan You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all. Michael michael I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. Jan jan What's this over the "i"? Jan jan It's a heart. Michael michael Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying? Jan jan I love this woman! Michael michael Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please. Jan jan Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? Dwight dwight No. Dan Gore dan-gore No? Then you are an idiot. Dwight dwight Hello Michael. Rachel rachel Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So... Michael michael Jan, glad you could make it. David Wallace david-wallace Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott? Jan jan Of course I do. David Wallace david-wallace From the Scranton Branch. Jan jan Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud. Michael michael David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please. Jan jan Excuse me. Rachel rachel Ok. Michael michael [looks at beers] Oh. [Starts to walk away, turns around] No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite. Pam pam Oh, sorry. Bartender bartender So did the merger go smoothly, or? Man man It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. Michael michael I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management. Karen karen Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great? Michael michael We're good. [Michael tries to kiss Jan] Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok? Jan jan Can I get anyone anything, or? Rachel rachel I could go for an appeteaser. Michael michael Martini please. Jan jan Bagel bites or something. Michael michael Rachel, your house is beautiful. Karen karen Thank you. Rachel rachel What's the square footage? Dwight dwight About 5,000. David Wallace david-wallace Does that include the garage? Dwight dwight Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate. Michael michael I'm just... Dwight dwight I don't know David Wallace david-wallace It's a common question. Dwight dwight David, how much did this house cost? Michael michael These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around. Dwight dwight I'll show you around. Rachel rachel Cool, let's start with the banisters. Dwight dwight Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall? Karen karen Yep. Jim jim That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date. Karen karen Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me. Jim jim And it didn't end well. Karen karen Gotcha. Alright. Jim jim This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch. David Wallace david-wallace Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [takes sip, coughs violently] Michael michael You ok? Jan jan Yeah. Do you have any ice? Michael michael Sure. David Wallace david-wallace How about some Splenda? Michael michael One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here. Roy roy Where? Kenny kenny On this side. Roy roy No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [points to Meredith and Kelly's hands] Kevin kevin I think I heard it on Roy's side. Ryan ryan No, it is here. Kevin kevin [tapping Meredith and Kelly's hands] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here. Ryan ryan Good thing you didn't listen to me. Kevin kevin Yeah, close one. Ryan ryan [points at one of Stanley's hands and one of Pam's] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. [Stares at Pam] Not here. [Points at Stanley's hand]. Roy roy YES! Kenny kenny Nice job. Pam pam I can read you like a book. Roy roy Oh yeah? Pam pam You can't keep anything from me. Roy roy Hey Creed. Student #1 student Hey! What are you guys doing here? Creed creed You're the man buddy. Student #2 student I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station. Creed creed Huh. [Bangs on wall] Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? [Opens door]. Dwight dwight Uh, that's a guest room. Rachel rachel Just the one window? Dwight dwight [phone rings] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me. Rachel rachel Are those real pearls? Dwight dwight Uh, yes. Rachel rachel [tests smoke detector] Good. Dwight dwight Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care. Jim jim Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated. Karen karen Oh. Hadn't noticed. Jim jim Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable. Karen karen No, it was before I knew you so, its fine. Jim jim This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out. Michael michael It's nice. Jan jan You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. Michael michael I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. Jan jan Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. Michael michael Oh. Jim jim Crazy. Michael michael I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes. Jan jan Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it? Michael michael Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [kisses Michael] Jan jan What are you doing? Michael michael Don't you know what I'm doing? Jan jan Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. Michael michael Shut up. Jan jan What has gotten into you? Michael michael Come on. Jan jan No, no, no. Michael michael What? Jan jan Come on, let's go back to the party. Michael michael Just let me loosen my dress. Jan jan Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan. Michael michael Michael. Jan jan No, no, no, means please don't. Please. Michael michael Slam me up against the wall, right here. Jan jan I'm not going to slam you up against the wall. Michael michael Oh, please. Jan jan You're acting inappropriate. Jan. Michael michael Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out. Jan jan Here. [hands Pam a duck stuffed animal] Toby toby Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. Pam pam I was... Toby toby Hey, don't you have a daughter? Pam pam [takes duck back] Yes. Toby toby Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair? Dwight dwight I don't know, it was here when I was born. Child child I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak? Dwight dwight I don't know. Child child What do you know? Dwight dwight God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes. David Wallace david-wallace You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace. Jim jim Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me. Karen karen Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? [Karen smiles and gives herself away] Wow. Ok. You got me. Jim jim I so got you. Karen karen So, none of them? Jim jim Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first. Karen karen Really? Jim jim Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun. Karen karen Ok. Jim jim Hey Jan. Karen karen Not too good. Jan jan Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad? Rachel rachel Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan. Michael michael What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael? David Wallace david-wallace I don't know. Where to begin? My ball. Jim jim The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party. Dwight dwight What? Roy roy I want us to make it. I want a fresh start. Pam pam That's awesome. That's what I want. Roy roy Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us. Pam pam I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all. Roy roy Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim. Pam pam What? Roy roy He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed. Pam pam Jim came on to you? Roy roy Just listen. Pam pam No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening! Roy roy Don't yell! Pam pam Don't yell?! Roy roy This is over. Pam pam Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God! Roy roy Damn jet skis! Kenny kenny Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle... Michael michael I feel sick. Jan jan You didn't have any of the potato salad did you? Michael michael No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public. Jan jan Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. Michael michael Please don't cry. Jan jan I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. Michael michael It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him. Jan jan I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling. Michael michael I didn't mean it. I was... Jan jan Whatever. Michael michael Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it. Jan jan That's all, you didn't mean it? Michael michael That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it. Jan jan I love you, Jan. Michael michael Ok. Jan jan Don't break up you guys, you're great together. Dwight dwight Are they going to call the cops? Roy roy No, I paid them off. Kenny kenny Jet ski money? Roy roy All of it. Kenny kenny I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert. Roy roy I think it's great that Jim's invited. It's important to have contact with the New York execs, or they'll think everyone here is like Mi...chael. Karen karen [Points to Pam's painting of the building] [laughs] You gotta sign that. Roy roy [laughs] Pam pam No you gotta put your name in the corner. I've seen that artist do that. Its good too, cause like you can know who paints what, you know. Roy roy Hey, are you going to Poor Richard's? Ryan ryan I don't know, you? Toby toby Maybe. Ryan ryan I'm going and so are both of you. We're all going. Kelly kelly Hey, isn't there some rule against inter-office dating? Ryan ryan [whispering] I am not doing your dirty work for you. Toby toby I hear whispering. Kelly kelly Ok, so promise that you'll wait till we leave the parking lot before you go to the bar. Jim jim Yes boss. Pam pam See ya Pam. Karen karen Oscar, Angela? I didn't think you guys would come. Kevin kevin Why wouldn't we come? Angela angela Because of reasons... Kevin kevin Are there carbs in vodka? Kevin kevin Hey folks, what can I get you? Oh, hey Meredith. Waiter waiter Hey Meredith meredith Another vodka? Waiter waiter Yeah. Jack, these are my co-workers. Meredith meredith Sup? Kevin kevin [pointing to each correct person] Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin, Creed. How'd I do? Waiter waiter Hmm, come here much? Stanley stanley These wings are all fat and bone. Oscar oscar This place is disgusting. [They smile at each other] Angela angela Why would the architect design stairs this wide? Was there an obese family in here before you? Dwight dwight I don't know that. I'm sure the architect passed away many years ago. Rachel rachel How convenient. Dwight dwight I am attracted to weird, wrong men. I dated a violent karate instructor and then an unemployed fireman. Life has been complicated. I've made some decisions that I'm not proud of; my marriage, being overly litigious with my family. I orgasm fairly easily. Michael was kind of like my dirty secret, you know, having sex with him, oh I was just turned on by my own degradation. Um, why, anyway, I was told by somebody recently that I respect that I'm old enough to have a mature relationship, and that's what this whole evening is about and I have high hopes. Jan jan [at the door] Hi Ryan. Melissa melissa Hey. Ryan ryan How are you doing? I've, I've missed you. Melissa melissa I've missed you too... Ryan ryan Don't you remember me? Melissa melissa Um, you ah, you gotta give me a hint. Um, did you meet me at the gym? Ryan ryan No. Melissa melissa [still at the table] Who the hell is Ryan talking to? Kelly kelly [at the door] Are you a client of Dunder Mifflin. Ryan ryan No. Melissa melissa [at the table] Oh, not again. Melissa! Stanley stanley Daddy. Melissa melissa Wait for my outside. [To Ryan] She is sixteen years old. What is wrong with you? Stanley stanley Okay, okay. Stanley, let me explain to you what happened. Ryan ryan No, no, no, no. Stanley stanley She came right up to me just like she did when you brought her into work. Ryan ryan No, no, no. You planned this whole thing boy. I'll snatch your spine out your back. Stanley stanley Space shuttle. Which one? Oh, Atlantis. Good thing it's not the Discovery. You play soccer? Dwight dwight What a weird day. I don't understand it, but you don't get to understand everyday of your life. Maybe five, ten days a year, I'll get home and I will have no idea what the hell just happened. Guess everybody has days like that. Sometimes they're the nicest ones. Still, I think there might be something wrong with Jan. Michael michael