Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they? Dwight dwight A dime and a nickel. Ryan ryan No, I said one of them is not a nickel. Dwight dwight But the other one is. I've heard that before. Ryan ryan Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ... Dwight dwight Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother. Ryan ryan A man is found hanging from the ceiling... Dwight dwight He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted. Ryan ryan A hunter. Dwight dwight It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole. Ryan ryan Damn it! Dwight dwight Tell me what you did yesterday. Jan jan Uhhh... nothing. Michael michael Nothing? Jan jan Yeah, nothing. How was your day? Michael michael I don't care how your day was Michael. Jan jan Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that? Michael michael Tell me what you did yesterday. Jan jan I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear? Michael michael Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base. Michael michael Hi, Pam. Jan jan Hi. Pam pam I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok? Jan jan Oh, I don't know if I'm... Pam pam Thanks Pam. Jan jan It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five. Pam pam So you excited? Dwight dwight Yeah. Ryan ryan Very excited? Dwight dwight Yes. I'm very excited. Ryan ryan Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool. Dwight dwight I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited. Ryan ryan I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions? Dwight dwight So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office? Ryan ryan When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now. Dwight dwight [squeaky chair] Hey. Karen karen What? Jim jim My chair is squeaking. Karen karen Is it? Jim jim You took my chair. Karen karen No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair. Jim jim When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so... Karen karen So I guess I can't get up. Jim jim Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too. Michael michael Do you know where we are, temp? Dwight dwight I know where we're not. Ryan ryan I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it. Dwight dwight Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second. Andy andy Sure. Jim jim Can you stand up? And talk to me over there? Andy andy That's it? That's what you came up with? Karen karen I'm acting my heart out here. Andy andy Really? Karen karen Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped. Andy andy Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants. Announcer announcer Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is. Pam pam Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me. Michael michael [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on. Michael michael And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you. Dwight dwight I don't think you know what you're saying. Ryan ryan Smells pretty bad, doesn't it? Dwight dwight Uh huh. Ryan ryan It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away. Dwight dwight Gotcha. Ryan ryan Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back. Dwight dwight Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course. Ryan ryan I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day. Stanley stanley Because they acted all tough and everything... Kelly kelly Uh huh. Michael michael But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to... Kelly kelly [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing? Michael michael I'm just saying hi to Bob. Phyllis phyllis No, I think you're cutting in line. Michael michael Well settle down, Scott. Bob bob No, I'm not going to settle down. Michael michael No way. Stanley stanley Get in the back please. Michael michael Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line. Stanley stanley Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right. Michael michael What a pair of Mary's. Bob bob This is Pretzel Day. Stanley stanley Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship. Ryan ryan Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm. Dwight dwight [rocks in squeaky chair] Karen karen [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me, Jim jim stop. Karen karen Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me Jim jim This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please. Karen karen fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me, Jim jim This is not a proportionate response. Karen karen Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Jim jim I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys? Andy andy Michael. Pam pam No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind. Michael michael Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks. Pam pam I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel. Michael michael Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel. Pam pam Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown. Michael michael You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today. Pam pam Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back. Michael michael It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness. Dwight dwight Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it. Ryan ryan You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test? Dwight dwight Yeah. Ryan ryan Come on! Dwight dwight Thank you! [takes pretzel] Stanley stanley Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left. Michael michael We do. Pretzel Guy pretzel-guy Thank God. Michael michael And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar. Pretzel Guy pretzel-guy Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them? Michael michael The Works. You got it. Pretzel Guy pretzel-guy All right! Thank you! Michael michael Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight] Dwight dwight Who was that? Ryan ryan Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground. Dwight dwight Is that your Cousin Mose? Ryan ryan Yes. Dwight dwight Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore. Dwight dwight What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin? Dwight dwight Outsourcing and consolidation of competition. Ryan ryan Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide? Dwight dwight Depression? Ryan ryan Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative? Dwight dwight I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be? Kelly kelly Sales take a long time. Angela angela Oh my God, I'm so worried. Kelly kelly I'm sure Dwight will protect him. Angela angela I don't know. Dwight's so weird. Kelly kelly He's not weird, he's just individualistic. Angela angela No, he's a freak. Kelly kelly You're a freak! Angela angela Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear? Dwight dwight Um, loneliness. Maybe women. Ryan ryan Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose. Dwight dwight No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK. Ryan ryan Wrestle him to the ground. Dwight dwight No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye. Ryan ryan Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan? Dwight dwight Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice. Mose mose Where are all the animals? Dwight dwight Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled. Dwight dwight You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams. Dwight dwight Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call. Ryan ryan Screwgun. The sales call! Dwight dwight [Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey! Kevin kevin Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal? Michael michael Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much. Dwight dwight Wait, can you go back? Ryan ryan Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time. Dwight dwight Ok, I'm going to establish time frames. Ryan ryan Good. Dwight dwight I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars". Ryan ryan Right. Dwight dwight I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers. Ryan ryan Uh huh. Dwight dwight Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing. Ryan ryan Exactly. Yes. Dwight dwight I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky. Ryan ryan Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second... Michael michael Second? Toby toby Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you. Michael michael Account...? Michael, what is going on? Kevin kevin And I will be taking questions. Michael michael Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael? Pam pam What's on your suit? Phyllis phyllis Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much! Michael michael They really didn't like me. Ryan ryan They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face. Dwight dwight I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong. Ryan ryan Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive. Dwight dwight You drive. Ryan ryan Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan. Pam pam [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere. Dwight dwight I think about that all the time. Ryan ryan Night, Pam. Kevin kevin Night. Pam pam Hey, what time is it? Michael michael 20 past 5. Pam pam AM or PM? Michael michael PM. Pam pam Oh, good. Michael michael These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli? Pam pam Oh. Koselli. With the Jello. Michael michael This is a huge sale. Pam pam Yes. Right. Good. Michael michael Night, Michael. Pam pam Goodnight! Michael michael [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Pam pam Ah, hey. Jim jim Oh my God. Pam pam Hi. Jim jim Hi. Pam pam Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing. Jim jim Oh. Pam pam And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there? Jim jim I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day. Pam pam Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that? Jim jim Yeah, totally. So... Pam pam So... Jim jim Do you... Pam pam Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Jim jim Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here. Pam pam Oh, good. Jim jim A little different. What time is it there? Pam pam What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone. Jim jim Oh, yeah. Right. Pam pam How far away did you think we were? Jim jim I don't know. It felt far. Pam pam Yeah. I have a question for you. Jim jim What? Pam pam How many words per minute does the average person type? Jim jim I type 90. Pam pam Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90. Jim jim It's true. Pam pam Ok, I said average. Jim jim 70? How many do you type? Pam pam Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it. Jim jim Come on. Tell me. Pam pam No. Jim jim You have to tell me now. Pam pam 65. Ok, no need to laugh. Jim jim No, it's, that's respectable. Pam pam Respectable? Jim jim So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself... Pam pam Right. Jim jim Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home... Pam pam Ok. Jim jim And, I'm freaking out. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim That movie is so scary! Pam pam I know! Jim jim But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up. Pam pam No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later? Jim jim Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box. Pam pam No, you're making this up! Jim jim Would I make that up? Pam pam Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories. Jim jim Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet. Pam pam And how many kitchens? Jim jim I have one kitchen. Pam pam Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley. Jim jim It's actually... Pam pam Most apartments these days have like three. Jim jim Three kitchens? Pam pam Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen? Jim jim [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok? Pam pam Pam? Jim jim Yeah. Yeah. Ryan ryan Pam? Jim jim Um. Ok, bye. Pam pam Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too. Jim jim No, I was um... Pam pam Oh, no no. Jim jim You have to go? Pam pam Yeah, uh, well. Jim jim No, I should probably go too. Pam pam Ok. Jim jim I mean, yeah. Pam pam Yeah. Bye Pam. Jim jim Bye Jim. Pam pam Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day. Stanley stanley What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time. Jan jan Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out. Michael michael Zoning out? Jan jan Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it. Michael michael If you can account for your time... Jan jan Yes, big if. Michael michael ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary. Jan jan A woman spurned. Michael michael It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier. Pam pam Take a good look at this boy... Dwight dwight I always do. Michael michael ...because you are never going to see him again. Dwight dwight If you lay a finger... Michael michael Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man. Dwight dwight Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on. Michael michael Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal. Pam pam I once saw a movie called "Training Day". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American. Dwight dwight Get in the car. Dwight dwight I don't have a key. Ryan ryan Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear] Dwight dwight He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great. Ryan ryan No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking. Dwight dwight Huh. Ryan ryan Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car. Dwight dwight Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here. Dwight dwight What was that first thing you did? Ryan ryan [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing. Dwight dwight Oh. Ryan ryan What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better. Dwight dwight It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know. Ryan ryan "9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: Michael michael You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. "Hey, mom." "Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?" "Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job." Ryan ryan Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: Dwight dwight [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot. Kevin kevin There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough. Stanley stanley What makes them so good? Michael michael I do not know. Stanley stanley I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth. Michael michael That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh] Stanley stanley Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie. Karen karen See, that's weird. Jim jim But if you said "Go ahead, make my day," I would know that it's from "Dirty Harry". How can you not know that's from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"? Karen karen Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey. Andy andy I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film. Jim jim Seriously, you guys, ask me. Andy andy You didn't know that "Bueller?" was from Ferris Bueller? Karen karen Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws. Andy andy