Pam? Michael michael Yeah? Pam pam Did you see Oprah yesterday? Michael michael No, I didn't. Pam pam I, uh... I am going to be a father. Michael michael What was Oprah about? Pam pam Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. Michael michael That's a really big decision. Pam pam I know. Michael michael Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Pam pam Well... Michael michael Or not adopt. Pam pam Just do it, okay? Michael michael Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. Pam pam Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? Michael michael You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. Pam pam Eight months? Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months. Michael michael You probably won't. Pam pam You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... Michael michael No, Michael. Pam pam Twenty years. Michael michael No, Michael. Pam pam Thirty. Michael michael Sure. Pam pam It's a deal. Michael michael All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. Ryan ryan Yesh. Michael michael Uh, fun jeans. Ryan ryan Right there. Ah. Michael michael Sign. Angela angela Per diem. Michael michael Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. Michael michael Don't be mad, it is a business trip. Dwight dwight But I don't understand. It's for managers. Angela angela Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. Dwight dwight I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there? Angela angela Yes, Monkey. Dwight dwight Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M. Angela angela In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here? Angela angela Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? Kelly kelly This. Pam pam You look so pretty. Kelly kelly Thank you. Pam pam Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that. Pam pam Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. Kelly kelly Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom? Michael michael My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight. Kelly kelly Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. Michael michael And your veil. Dwight dwight Yeah, do it! Michael michael I'll probably just wear this. Pam pam Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: Michael michael There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? Creed creed That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. Angela angela That town smells like cheese steaks. Meredith meredith That town is full of history! Angela angela Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed. Creed creed Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? Dwight dwight Hey, Michael. Josh josh Hey, Josh, how ya doing? Michael michael Pretty good. Josh josh Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns. Michael michael I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. Michael michael It's really good to see you, man. Jim jim Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too! Michael michael Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? Dwight dwight Yeah, sold about forty thousand. Jim jim Hey! Michael michael Shut up. That's impossible. Dwight dwight No, it's not. I did. Yep. Jim jim Well, I did it too. Dwight dwight You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. Jim jim So did you hear? Kevin kevin What? Toby toby Pam's back on the market again. Kevin kevin Really? She's dating? Toby toby If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that. Kevin kevin So what kind of commissions you get up there? Dwight dwight Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much. Jim jim You're so immature! Dwight dwight Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. Josh josh Ah. Michael michael And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford. Josh josh Oh, hey! Jan jan Hey, Jan. Dwight dwight We all checked in? Jan jan Yes. Josh josh Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. Jan jan Okay. Josh josh Okay! Jan jan Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. Michael michael What are you talking about? Jan jan The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. Michael michael Step away from me, Michael. Jan jan Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. Michael michael Alan's cartoon is so funny, right? Kelly kelly Mm-hmm. Pam pam And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time. Kelly kelly This party is going to be awesome. Dwight dwight I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. Michael michael Check it out. Dwight dwight That is crooked on that side. Michael michael Wow. Dwight dwight Hey hey! Michael michael That is a lot of liquor. Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael And a dart board. Jim jim Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop. Michael michael We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. Josh josh Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? Michael michael A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. Josh josh Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there. Jim jim Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday. Michael michael Um, we should... Josh josh Yeah. Jim jim All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. Michael michael I'll do a shot, Michael. Dwight dwight Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet. Michael michael SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. Michael michael Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. Michael michael Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight dwight All right. Jerome Bettis jerome-bettis I'm a huge fan. Dwight dwight Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. Jerome Bettis jerome-bettis You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. Michael michael All right, maybe. If I can. Jerome Bettis jerome-bettis Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there? Michael michael No, you cannot. Jerome Bettis jerome-bettis So maybe. See ya. Michael michael Why do they call him The Bus? Dwight dwight Because he's afraid to fly. Michael michael Smile! Dwight dwight Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! Michael michael All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. Josh josh Yep. Yeah, she's up front. Michael michael You don't have email on your phone. Dwight dwight I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? Michael michael No one just called you. Dwight dwight All right. Josh josh All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. Jim jim I'll see you soon. Ted ted Yeah, stop by later. Josh josh [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please? Michael michael I need you to do something for me. Michael michael Yes. Anything. Dwight dwight I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. Michael michael I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. Dwight dwight Hey, Pam. Toby toby Hey! What's up? Pam pam It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted... Toby toby [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up? Pam pam Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird. Toby toby Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here. Pam pam Okay. Toby toby So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera. Dwight dwight And? Michael michael He wasn't volunteering today. Dwight dwight Business has been pretty crazy around the office. Michael michael Oh yeah? Jim jim Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. Michael michael Oh, tell him I say hi. Jim jim I will call him later with that message. Michael michael Hey, how is... Toby? Jim jim Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? Michael michael Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to... Jim jim Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. Michael michael Michael, it's really not a competition. Jim jim Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. Josh josh Great! Jan jan Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip. Michael michael Whoa. Michael. Dwight dwight Wow, oh my God, thank you. Waiter waiter You're welcome. Michael michael Was that your per diem? Dwight dwight No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. Michael michael What have you generated, Michael? Jan jan I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. Michael michael What party? Jan jan The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. Michael michael Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7. Jan jan You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it. Phyllis phyllis If you do that, you're going to have to put out. Stanley stanley Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out. Phyllis phyllis Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. Angela angela Any messages for 308? All right. Michael michael Hey hey, fellers. Michael michael Michael. Jim jim Hey, Michael. Dwight dwight What's up? Michael michael Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. Josh josh Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. Michael michael I don't think so. Josh josh Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. Michael michael Fine! All right. Josh josh Okay! Excellent. Oh... Michael michael Keep the wing flaps. Dwight dwight Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! Michael michael Hi, Pam. {Jim}, {Josh}, and {Dwight} jim josh and-dwight Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. Michael michael You first. Michael michael Come on. Nice try, Josh! Dwight dwight Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing. Michael michael Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael. Josh josh Well, let's... Michael michael Yeah, we should go. Josh josh Come on! Michael michael We gotta go. Josh josh Come on! Michael michael Uh... we'll do it later. Josh josh Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? Evan evan Fine. Michael michael Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. Michael michael That is so true. Ready? Evan evan Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for. Michael michael Great. Evan evan Sorry, my meeting ran late. Michael michael Really? Jan jan Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. Michael michael They're exclusive with Staples. Josh josh Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. Michael michael Yes! Ha! Dwight dwight Well, Michael, I underestimated you. Jan jan Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. Michael michael Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Jim jim D? Angela angela Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! Jim jim So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. Kelly kelly Oh, great. Alan alan I don't want ketchup. Ryan ryan You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. Kelly kelly So how do you come up with your cartoons? Pam pam Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. Alan alan You dream in cartoons? How fun! Pam pam Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Michael michael I thought there was a party in here. Guy guy This is the party. Michael michael This is room 308? Guy guy Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right. Michael michael See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. Alan alan Huh. Pam pam [French accent] Freedom fries for the table. Alan alan Freedom fries. Yeah. Pam pam Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it. Alan alan Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. Pam pam Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain. Alan alan More freedom fries. Pam pam Yeah. Alan alan That's great. Pam pam Okay. Alan alan I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know. Pam pam Michael. Am I the first to arrive? Jim jim People have been filtering in and out. Michael michael Can I get a drink? Jim jim What? Michael michael Can I get a drink? Jim jim Sure. You like Cosmos? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? Michael michael Michael... Jim jim I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... Michael michael Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss. Jim jim I'm not better than Josh. Michael michael Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam. Jim jim Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now. Michael michael No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. Jim jim I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. Michael michael Nope, that's okay. Jim jim Yeah. Michael michael That's all right. Jim jim I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. Michael michael Yeah. Okay, maybe. Jim jim Are we early? Evan evan Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim Evan, this is Jim. Michael michael How are you? Jim jim Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. Evan evan Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? Michael michael Do you guys work together? Evan evan No, we used to. Now we're friends. Jim jim Best friends. Michael michael Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. Michael michael Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha. Michael michael Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dwight dwight Whoa. What are those stains? Michael michael Blood, urine, or semen. Dwight dwight Oh, God, I hope it's urine. Michael michael Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy. Michael michael [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah. Michael michael Sign. Angela angela Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins. Michael michael [reading checklist] Fun jeans. Ryan ryan [points to door] Right there. Michael michael Fourth quarter projections for Jan? Ryan ryan Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me. Michael michael Will do. Ryan ryan Sure you don't want to come? Michael michael Yeah. Ryan ryan Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot. Michael michael [shakes his head] Ryan ryan A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. "Connecticut." And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend. Michael michael See that factory? Michael michael Mm-hm. Dwight dwight I almost worked there. Michael michael No! Dwight dwight Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there. Michael michael What would you have done? Been manager? Dwight dwight I was going to be a bottle capper. Michael michael You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief] Dwight dwight I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world. Michael michael Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross. Josh josh Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean. Michael michael So, you ever been convicted of a felony? Dwight dwight What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over. Josh josh Misdemeanor? Dwight dwight Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing. Josh josh Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater? Dwight dwight [stunned] Josh josh [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together. Jan jan Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be... Josh josh A quick drink? Jan jan Thanks, but maybe another time. Josh josh [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off] Jan jan