Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will not say "Ryan Howard is a temp." It will say "Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm. ...that'll show 'em. Ryan ryan [after "the kiss"] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. Jim jim Me too. ...I think we're just drunk. Pam pam No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? Jim jim No... [Jim leans in for another kiss] Jim-- Pam pam Are you really gonna marry him? [Pam nods] ...Ok. Jim jim [sobbing] Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim! [serious] False. I do not miss him. Dwight dwight No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive? Michael michael OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that. Toby toby That's what faggie means! Michael michael No not really... Toby toby Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie. Toby toby It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard! Michael michael All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay. Toby toby Exactly! Michael michael I mean for real. Toby toby Yeah, I know. Michael michael No, I mean he's attracted to other men. Toby toby OK, a little too far, crossed the line. Michael michael OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion. Toby toby I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend. Michael michael Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Michael michael No, it's fine. Oscar oscar No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude. Michael michael That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that. Oscar oscar [in reference to Oscar being gay] It explains so much. Angela angela No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... [sighs] Uh... yeah I'm gay. Oscar oscar I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable. Jim jim Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right? Jim jim Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right? Andy andy Uh-huh, yeah. I am. Jim jim She's pretty hot huh? [Jim nods] She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters. Andy andy OooOK. Jim jim OooOK. Andy andy I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name. Jim jim Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? [laughs] I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble." Andy andy So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them. Josh josh Oh, I can do that. Jim jim Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. [makes classic "Jim"-camera face] What is that? Karen karen Can you tell who's gay and who's not? Michael michael Of course. Dwight dwight What about Oscar? Michael michael Absolutely not. Dwight dwight Well, he is. Michael michael Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so... Dwight dwight [deep sigh] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else. Michael michael You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive. Dwight dwight Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. Michael michael Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. Michael michael I really don't think so. Dwight dwight I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? Michael michael [creepy smile] Dwight dwight Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them. Michael michael Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. Dwight dwight That's ridiculous. Michael michael Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot. Dwight dwight [sighs] Let's call him and get the website. Michael michael Definitely. Dwight dwight What's gay-dar? Oh, oh, gay-dar, yes! No, uh, I think they have it at Sharper Image. Oh, you know what? I could check for you. No problem. [loudly fake typing] It's sold out! Yeah sorry about that, that's a bummer. Jim jim Well, they're sold out. Michael michael Damn. [thinks] I'll try Brookstone. Dwight dwight I miss that. Jim jim Chicken or fish? Roy roy [loud sigh] Chicken. Pam pam So you havin' a good day? Roy roy Excellent, thanks. Pam pam Good, glad. OK. Roy roy Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks. Pam pam After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back. Roy roy I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters. Stanley stanley That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you. Kelly kelly Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan. Oscar oscar Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented. Angela angela OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND! Andy andy You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation. Jan jan I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so... Michael michael That's not what it's called. Jan jan OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today? Toby toby What? What does that even... Michael michael Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it. Jan jan Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival. Michael michael All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault. Toby toby I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about? Michael michael NO! Jan jan I don't kn- Michael michael No, it's not possible. Jan jan Anything's possible. Michael michael You know, imagine... you were gay. Jan jan [laughs] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody! Michael michael Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand? Jan jan The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays. Michael michael Am I the first gay man you ever knew? Oscar oscar Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer? Michael michael Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer. Pam pam Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons. Dwight dwight [looking at gay porn] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful. Michael michael Ah damn pop-ups. Dwight dwight What are you doing?! Oscar oscar Watching some of your friends. Angela angela [yelling] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW! Michael michael Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men. Michael michael We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you. Michael michael Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now? Oscar oscar I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing. Creed creed Who should be the judges and juries of our society? Michael michael Judges and juries! Angela angela Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right? Michael michael That sounds great. Kevin kevin I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. Dwight dwight No one else in this office is gay. Oscar oscar What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine! Dwight dwight I'm getting married to Bob Vance. Phyllis phyllis That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! [laughs] See? Everybody has a chance! Michael michael But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do! Michael michael No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school. Phyllis phyllis [laughing] Right! [serious] And I take that as a compliment. Michael michael Well with your ties and your matching socks and -- Phyllis phyllis Well, I just like to look good OK, so -- Michael michael You sound pretty defensive Michael. Oscar oscar No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero! Michael michael I think the problem with this office is that you are sending mixed signals about my being here. Oscar oscar No no no. The only signal that I am sending is: Gay, good. Michael michael Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag. Michael michael I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life. Oscar oscar You misunderstand- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend -- Michael michael I would rather not. Oscar oscar ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me! Michael michael No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small! Oscar oscar All right, um... sorry. Michael michael Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Oscar and Michael hug] Oscar oscar [sobbing] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy. Michael michael Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend. Dwight dwight [embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. [awkwardly kissing Oscar] I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [everyone claps] Michael michael [Dwight gets up to kiss Oscar] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man! Michael michael We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? Michael michael I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said. Michael michael Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows? Michael michael I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay. Oscar oscar [reading the note with the gay-dar] "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice! Dwight dwight [Dwight is running the gay-dar over Oscar's body] What are you doing?! Oscar oscar Shhh. Don't be scared. [gay-dar beeps over Oscar's belt buckle, Dwight smiles] It works. [gay-dar goes off next to Dwight's belt buckle] ...oh no. Dwight dwight [on speakerphone] Okay, what is your goal for after lunch? Jan jan I will do my job to the best of my abilities. Michael michael [under breath] Heaven help us. [aloud] Specifically. Jan jan I will do my regional manager job to the best of my capability. Michael michael Specifically, Michael. Jan jan Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients. Michael michael Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I did accomplish. But it's not mandatory. It's something that I... wanted to do... and so it's voluntary, really. Even though she... makes me. I think she just wants to hear my voice. Because we're no longer lovers, and she's just hurting. But things are going well with Carol. I've seen her seven times in the last few months, and I'm growing very fond of her kids. Tommy, who I call Tomas, and the little girl... Michael michael [on speakerphone] Are you on the toilet, Michael? Jan jan [quietly] No. Michael michael Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished. Jan jan Okay. [Jan hangs up. Toby opens the office door.] Michael michael Michael? Toby toby [sigh] Michael michael Hi, honey. You holding up? Michael michael Yup. Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael I'm... painting my new apartment tonight. Pam pam Oh, good. By yourself? Michael michael Yes. Pam pam Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much. Michael michael Thanks. Pam pam Roy. Michael michael Right. Pam pam What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business! Pam pam Yes, I'm gay. Oscar oscar [shocked expression] Meredith meredith Why are all the best-looking single men always gay? Meredith meredith Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google "Google"? What do you think would happen? Andy andy Let's find out. [starts typing] Jim jim [makes frustrated noises] Andy andy Oh! Lots of results. Jim jim I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna. Andy andy