[catching Jim looking at him at Pam's desk] What? Ryan ryan Oh, nothing. Jim jim Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that. Jim jim [again catching Jim looking at him] What? Ryan ryan Oh, nothing. Jim jim Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. Ryan ryan Spamster! Michael michael Um, Pam plus Spam plus...? Pam pam Hamster. Michael michael Right. Pam pam Welcome back! How was your vacation? Michael michael It was great. Pam pam Yeah? Michael michael Mm-hm. Pam pam Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! Michael michael Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. Pam pam I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! Michael michael What? Pam pam Wow! What happened in there? Michael michael I don't know. Pam pam There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that? Michael michael [looking at pile on Michel's carpet] Oh... I don't know. Pam pam Is it a bird? Michael michael No, I don't think it's a bird. Pam pam Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet. Michael michael What's goin' on? Kevin kevin Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. Michael michael [taking a look] I don't think that's vomit. Kevin kevin Check it out. Michael michael Me? Kevin kevin Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee. Michael michael Oh, that's ridiculous. Kevin kevin What is it? Michael michael Michael. [tapping on door] Kevin kevin What is it? No, just tell me what it is. Michael michael [pounding on door] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long. Kevin kevin Open the door up! Pam pam It smelled terrible. Kevin kevin [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly] {Pam} and others pam I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. Michael michael That's no burst pipe. Toby toby How do you know that? What is it, then? Michael michael Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup? Creed creed [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office] Michael michael [coughing] It's still stinky. Dwight dwight That is worse. Michael michael She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation. Dwight dwight [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... [clearing throat] I can't stand it [gets up to leave], I can't stay in here another second. No! Michael michael Hey! Welcome back! Jim jim Thanks! Pam pam So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? Jim jim A little. Pam pam Good! What's goin' on here? Jim jim What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. Jim jim [barely stifling laughter] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. [regaining composure] It was not me. Ryan ryan [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow. Jim jim [giggles at Roy] Pam pam [sitting at Jim's desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. Michael michael That might be a little difficult with the one computer. Jim jim Oh... It's ... Michael michael But there's definitely a desk open in the back. Jim jim [reluctantly] Yeah ... Michael michael ...which I guess I'll be taking. Jim jim No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing. Michael michael No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back. Jim jim Hey, Kelly. Jim jim Are you moving back here? Kelly kelly Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk. Jim jim Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. Kelly kelly Allergy to... the desk? Jim jim [shaking head] Weird. Kelly kelly [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. Michael michael [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen. Dwight dwight Don't ape me. Michael michael Okay. Dwight dwight This is great. Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight The pressures of my office are insane. Michael michael [agreeing] Mm. Dwight dwight I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. Michael michael No way! Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael And who had your office? Dwight dwight Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. Michael michael [to Jim] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit... Kelly kelly You know who used to sit at that desk? Michael michael That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? Dwight dwight Mm-mm. Todd Packer. Michael michael No! Dwight dwight Yeah. Michael michael I thought he was out on the road. Dwight dwight He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes. Michael michael Ah. Dwight dwight When I was in training, many years ago... not so long ago... I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy. Michael michael I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Michael michael [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer? Stanley stanley Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay. Michael michael Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. Michael michael [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for? Creed creed Charley horse! Michael michael What? Creed creed Charley horse! Michael michael You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. Creed creed Oh, okay. Gah. Michael michael Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical. Michael michael [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones... Kelly kelly Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. Ryan ryan It's the lever on the side. Jim jim That's what I told him. Thanks. [leaves] Ryan ryan Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Kelly kelly No, I don't think I can... Jim jim Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He's so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I'm too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please... Kelly kelly [whispering] Dwight. Michael michael [whispering] Michael. Dwight dwight Let's send up Accounting. Michael michael What? Dwight dwight Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. Michael michael Hey guys. Michael michael Hey, Michael. Oscar oscar Ahem. What's up? Michael michael Hey, Dwight. Oscar oscar [as they throw accountants' files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! {Michael} and {Dwight} michael dwight Yeah! [laughing] Dwight dwight Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing] Michael michael Should we help 'em pick up their stuff? Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that. Michael michael Okay. Dwight dwight Watch out, Pam. You're next! Michael michael You're gonna throw my things on the ground? Pam pam Maybe! Michael michael What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it... it was still wrong. Oscar oscar Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. Michael michael You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. Michael michael [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I'm totally gonna win us that box set. Dwight dwight Stop. Michael michael Jethro Tull... Dwight dwight Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don't. Don't. Michael michael I need to make a sales call. Please? Dwight dwight All right. Michael michael [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller? Dwight dwight [to Roy in Jim's earshot] ...back so soon. Pam pam We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. Roy roy Yeah, right. Pam pam Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something. Roy roy Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. Pam pam [to unseen co-worker] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. Kelly kelly [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding? Pam pam No. Roy roy Hi, guys. Michael michael We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit. Angela angela I'm just walking around. Michael michael Were you? Angela angela Well, yeah. Michael michael It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael. Oscar oscar Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? Michael michael Yeah! Dwight dwight [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we? Michael michael You're gonna compete against us? Phyllis phyllis Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! Michael michael It is so on! Dwight dwight God, this is gonna be fun. Michael michael Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! Dwight dwight [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis' forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously] Michael michael [walking by with new carpet] What... What's that? Whatcha doing? Darryl darryl [stops dance] Nothing. Michael michael [laughing] I think he's dancing. Roy roy No. Just ... Michael michael That was definitely not dancing. Darryl darryl You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... Michael michael Paper business. Darryl darryl Yeah, paper business. Is this done? Michael michael Nope. Roy roy Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps] Michael michael Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know. Pam pam [to Oscar] Who do you think did it? Creed creed Are you kidding? I thought it was you. Oscar oscar Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael's earshot] Creed creed This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. Michael michael You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today. Michael michael That doesn't seem fair. Pam pam You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. Michael michael But you're the one who picked today. Dwight dwight I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. Michael michael That's not what a hate crime is. Stanley stanley Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished. Michael michael What's our punishment? Pam pam You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring] Michael michael Hey! Jim jim What's up? Ryan ryan Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward. Jim jim What? Ryan ryan What do you think of Kelly? Jim jim I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... [notices camera] Umm... She's really cool. Ryan ryan Are you interested in her? Jim jim Yeah, totally. Ryan ryan Really? Jim jim Did she say something? Ryan ryan She said lots of things. Jim jim Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out? Ryan ryan I have no idea. Jim jim Can you find out? Ryan ryan Yeah. Sure. Jim jim [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows? Kelly kelly Do you remember Ed Truck? Michael michael Sure. He hired me. How's he doing? Creed creed How would I know? Michael michael I thought you might. Creed creed My biggest fear is turning into him. Michael michael Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Creed creed [sighs] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? Michael michael [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back. Michael michael Yeah. Should we go upstairs? Ed Begley ed-begley Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now. Michael michael So, what's the problem with my pension? Ed Begley ed-begley Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. Michael michael Well, what was done? Ed Begley ed-begley I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible. Michael michael Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. Ed Begley ed-begley Really? Michael michael Yeah. Ed Begley ed-begley Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? Michael michael You can't expect to be friends with everybody. Ed Begley ed-begley Well... s-sure I can. Michael michael No. They'll always think of you as a boss first. Ed Begley ed-begley Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. Michael michael I'm not sure that ever happens. Ed Begley ed-begley Well, okay. Different management styles. Michael michael Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? Ed Begley ed-begley Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney." Michael michael [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Jim jim You just asked a girl out on the phone! Kelly kelly Yep. Jim jim [on phone] Yes. Michael michael Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Todd Packer todd-packer Who is this? How did you get this number? Michael michael Your mom, you gay nerd! Todd Packer todd-packer Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'? Michael michael Hey, did you get that package I left for you? Todd Packer todd-packer Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? Michael michael It was pretty big. Todd Packer todd-packer Really? Michael michael Yeah. Todd Packer todd-packer Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? Michael michael Left it in the middle of your office. Todd Packer todd-packer Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? Michael michael You mean the thing? Roy roy [laughs uproariously] Todd Packer todd-packer Are you kidding me? Oh! Michael michael Special delivery! Todd Packer todd-packer That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you. Michael michael Sit on the throne, Michael. Todd Packer todd-packer Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! Michael michael It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. Michael michael You have seven unheard messages. {Jim}'s Voicemail jim [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back! Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you. Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow. Pam pam [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk. Pam pam I think this whole disaster on Michael's carpet happened for a good reason. Him sitting next to me is a huge gift. This girl I know would say that it was a gift from God, but I don't know about all that. Dwight dwight Obviously, this was Kevin. This is his sense of humor exactly. Angela angela There are so many people with motives, even me. Almost everyone is a suspect. Whoever did this is a genius. [laughs] Kevin kevin That looks, cool, where is that? Kelly kelly What? Jim jim That hotel, it looks so romantic. Kelly kelly Oh, just somewhere in the Poconos. I was just surfing. Jim jim I went with my parents to the Shadowbrook Farm once. That was also really romantic. Oh, my God, I wish a boy would take me there. I would need a fun new top. You know what a great color is on me? Lavender, actually. Kelly kelly Just give me one second. I'm just gonna grab something to eat. Jim jim Hey. Jim jim Hey. Toby toby So, you used to share that cubicle with Kelly, right? Jim jim Mmm-hmm. Toby toby And then you just changed desks, right? Jim jim Yeah. Toby toby To one without a cubicle. Jim jim Yeah. Toby toby So, you just couldn't take it anymore, huh? Jim jim What are you talking about? Toby toby So, that's how it's gonna be. Jim jim Yeah. Toby toby Honestly, I don't even hear her anymore. It's like waves crashing against the beach. Toby toby [on the phone] Okay, that quantity of cotton fiber will cost you... my screen disappeared. I know. I will click on the bottom and... Yes. I'm getting one of those little hourglass things. Used to have a price chart on the wall, now it's a little hourglass thing with an arrow next to it. Now it's just an hourglass thing. Uh-huh, yeah, well, or I can call you back. Okay. Michael michael [on the phone] Excellent, good, good. Well, our truck is going out first thing tomorrow morning. So... Dwight dwight ...cases of typical format and coated white paper. Okay, thanks again so much. All right, bye-bye. Stanley stanley 20 cartons of it's coming, on it's way. Phyllis phyllis What's going on? Anything here? Michael michael Yes. Stanley stanley Yes, yes. What yes? A sale or a lead or... Michael michael A sale. Stanley stanley Ah. Small? Michael michael Big. Stanley stanley Huge? Michael michael Just big. Stanley stanley Would you say the sale that I made earlier was huge or... Michael michael Big. Stanley stanley [on the phone] Good. No, I completely understand, times are a little tight right now. If it's alright with you though, I will just give you a call back next month. Great, thank you so much. Goodbye. Dwight dwight What was that? Michael michael What? Dwight dwight You call that a sales call? My God, what have they been teaching you? Michael michael You're the one who trained me, Michael. Dwight dwight Yeah, well, did I teach you to roll over like a submissive dog? Michael michael You most certainly did not. Dwight dwight No, I did not. Michael michael What can I do better? Dwight dwight Exactly, ask me, which you did, so, tell a joke. Michael michael I'm not good at jokes. Dwight dwight Do you know a joke? Michael michael My cousin Mose told me a joke. Dwight dwight Call a client right now. Michael michael Okay. Dwight dwight And tell him the joke. Michael michael I will. Dwight dwight Strike while the iron's hot. A joke always works. Michael michael [on the phone] Yes, Howard Gruber, please. Dwight dwight Just sell it. Michael michael [on the phone] Howard, hello. Dwight Schrute. Dunder Mifflin. Yes, and you are my favorite client. Listen, I'm calling you to tell you a little joke. What is black and white and red and can't think? A nun who has a beet for a head. ... No, I'm Catholic, too. Dwight dwight Give me the phone. Michael michael [on the phone] I understand. Dwight dwight Give me the phone. Michael michael [on the phone] If I was offensive in any way, I... Dwight dwight Tell him. Tell him that your supervisor is on the line. Michael michael [on the phone] Humor works in... Dwight dwight The old one two. Let's do it. Michael michael [on the phone] ...crazy ways. I'm going to pass you off to my supervisor. Hold on one second. [whispering] Howard Gruber. It's Howard Gruber. Dwight dwight [on the phone] Hey Howard. Michael Scott here. Yeah, sorry about that. Dwight is an idiot. I know. No, he's a little... Little dim. He's the janitor's brother, so... Michael michael That's not true. Dwight dwight [on the phone] Uh-huh? Yeah. Well, you know, like in a fast food restaurant, just to be nice they hire somebody who can't even find their way to work? That is Dwight. Michael michael [whispering] He's my best customer. Dwight dwight [on the phone] What can we do to help you out? You know what? I have a discount. Today and today only, on lightweight copier paper. Michael michael But that's my sale. This is my sale, Michael! Dwight dwight [on the phone] Uh-huh, yes, I can do that. Absolutely! Perfect. Oh, I'm glad it timed out that way. Michael michael What Michael doesn't understand is that when I worked in the fast food industry I was actually commended by management for the three "M"s. McService, McCompetence and McPunctuality. Dwight dwight [laughing] You gotta drink on that one. Too bad. Roy roy Hell yeah, yeah, yeah. Mo'fo, mo'fo. Darryl darryl You ready? Roy roy Mmm-hmm. [thumping] [Roy groaning] Now you've got to drink. Darryl darryl Okay, look, I know what you're gonna say. That I'm not standing up for myself. But you know what? It's complicated and I really don't appreciate all the badgering. Dwight dwight You could out-sell Michael any day. Angela angela I really thought these people were my friends. My best friend since kindergarten, Elliot, that's a friend. Best friend ever. I should call him. Wonder where he lives. Michael michael