...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. Oscar oscar [off camera] Yeah, that's right. Jim jim Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. Michael michael Michael, what's wrong? Pam pam I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! Michael michael Ok, wait wait wait wait... Pam pam Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! Michael michael Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! Pam pam No, I want you to pick me up. Michael michael What? Jim jim Ok... Pam pam What's going on? Jim jim Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. Pam pam I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Michael michael I'm sorry? Pam. Jim jim [exasperated] Pam pam What is going on? Jim jim I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone] Michael michael OH GOD! Michael michael Hey, whoa, Michael... Jim jim Oh God! Michael michael It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. Jim jim OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. Michael michael You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill? Jim jim I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. Michael michael Pam, could you come get me?! Michael michael Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. Pam pam Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? Michael michael Michael, you should stay home and rest. Phyllis phyllis There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? Michael michael Can you hop? Kevin kevin I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. Michael michael [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!? Michael michael [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on? Dwight dwight Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. Pam pam I'm not sick! I'm burned! Michael michael I'm coming Michael! Dwight dwight Oh... Jim jim I'm gonna save you! Dwight dwight Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. Michael michael Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! Dwight dwight I don't want Dwight! Michael michael Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? Pam pam I don't have a girlfriend. Michael michael But you said that you went out with her this weekend. Jim jim It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. Michael michael [sounds of a car crash] What was that... Jim jim What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window] Pam pam Oh! Jim jim Ohhhhhh! Pam pam He hit the pole! Jim jim It's broken right, he can't... Jim jim Oh my gosh. Pam pam Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh! Jim jim Oh my God! {Jim} and {Pam} jim pam Is he ok? Pam pam He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! Jim jim Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! Michael michael Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. Michael michael You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. Pam pam Did you explain why? Michael michael No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. Pam pam Burned my foot, Pam. Michael michael Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Michael michael So, where are you shipping your foot? Jim jim Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... Michael michael Your foot? Dwight dwight Thank you. Pam, messages please? Michael michael You didn't have any. Pam pam Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... Michael michael And do my job? Pam pam No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! Michael michael [holding mini-fan] It slipped. Dwight dwight What? Michael michael Sorry. Dwight dwight It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. Pam pam I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. Michael michael Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. Pam pam No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. Michael michael Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. Dwight dwight What? Part of your duties are to what? Michael michael What? Dwight dwight You just said "part of your duties are to" something. Michael michael No, I didn't. Dwight dwight Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Michael michael What is wrong with you? Dwight dwight Where is my cornbread? Michael michael Here you go. Ryan ryan Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? Michael michael Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. Ryan ryan Where are the yams? Michael michael They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. Ryan ryan Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Michael michael Yes. Ryan ryan And they had no yams? Michael michael They had no yams. Ryan ryan How strange. Because they always have yams. Michael michael Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? Dwight dwight You've seen one of these? Pam pam Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. Dwight dwight Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. Pam pam Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. Dwight dwight Really? Pam pam Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! Dwight dwight Oh! Ha, haha. Pam pam Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. Dwight dwight Pan? Pam pam Pam... PAAAM!? Michael michael Oh, God. Pam pam [phone rings] What. Pam pam Come here please. Michael michael Tell me before I come there. Pam pam I want you to rub butter on my foot. Michael michael No. Pam pam Pam, please? I have Country Crock. Michael michael No. Pam pam Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! Michael michael These covers are totally indestructible. Dwight dwight Really? Pam pam Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player] Dwight dwight Oh no, it's broken. Dwight dwight What?! Pam pam No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. Dwight dwight That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! Pam pam Yep. Dwight dwight So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. Jim jim Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! Pam pam No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? Michael michael Huh. Do you like candy? Dwight dwight It's alright. Angela angela Cause you're sweeter than candy. Dwight dwight What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing] Angela angela Hey! Angela angela Wow, you just dive right into it. Toby toby You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. Ryan ryan [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! Michael michael What, what happened? Toby toby I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. Michael michael What do you need? Toby toby Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Michael michael I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. Toby toby Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. Michael michael Ryan, is, uh, dead. Toby toby No, he's not. Michael michael Dead. Toby toby I just saw him. Michael michael No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. Toby toby Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! Michael michael Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? Jim jim No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. Pam pam And that isn't weird? Jim jim Wow... Pam pam Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? Michael michael Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. Phyllis phyllis No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble. Michael michael When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. Creed creed Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. Michael michael I'm not disabled and neither are you. Stanley stanley Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?! Michael michael Mailboxes, Etc. Stanley stanley Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. Michael michael Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. Phyllis phyllis [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Michael michael [looking up at Creed] Dad? Dwight dwight While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. Michael michael Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Jim jim Twice. Ryan ryan Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: Michael michael I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. Jim jim So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... Billy Merchant billy-merchant Ok... Michael michael First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes... Billy Merchant billy-merchant Dwight, you have your hand up. Pam pam Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... Michael michael You know what Michael? Billy Merchant billy-merchant Yeah... Michael michael Let me stop you right there. Billy Merchant billy-merchant Ok. Michael michael And leave. Billy Merchant billy-merchant Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. Michael michael What's wrong with that guy? Billy Merchant billy-merchant You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. Jim jim No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. Billy Merchant billy-merchant [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey! Michael michael I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! Ryan ryan You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. Michael michael You are very welcome. Ryan ryan Did you get the yams? Michael michael No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! Ryan ryan [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. Michael michael You sure? Ryan ryan Yeh. Michael michael Ok. Ryan ryan You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. Michael michael Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. Michael michael I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. Ryan ryan Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. Michael michael [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... Dwight dwight Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Jim jim Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. Michael michael He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. Angela angela Why don't you go with him? Michael michael I, barely know him... Angela angela I want Michael to take me... Dwight dwight I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. Michael michael You can take my van! Meredith meredith Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. Michael michael Fine. Jim jim We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. Michael michael Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. Jim jim Choo choo choo choo choo choo... Dwight dwight What are you doing? What, stop... Jim jim Vietnam sounds. Dwight dwight [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop. Jim jim Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter] Dwight dwight You can't lay down. Jim jim Want to take a rake... . Dwight dwight Wake up. [sprays Dwight] Jim jim Ahh! Dwight dwight Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. Pam pam I'm just gonna get... Jim jim Ok, Pam, thanks. Dwight dwight Get up, get up. Pam pam You're the best. Dwight dwight Yeah. Pam pam Just keep him awake. Jim jim It smells like chicken soup. Dwight dwight I know. Pam pam I have to go to the hospital. Dwight dwight I know. Pam pam Where we going? Dwight dwight I just want to say goodbye ok? Pam pam I'll be back, I mean... Dwight dwight Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. Pam pam Why? Dwight dwight It's just hard to explain. Pam pam Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose] Dwight dwight Oh my goodness! Pam pam [giggles] Dwight dwight Come here. Pam pam Oh, huggy hugs. Dwight dwight Shotgun! Michael michael You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? Jim jim The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. Michael michael Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? Michael michael Well, I think she has a kid. Jim jim Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. Michael michael Where are we going? Dwight dwight Come on, get inside. Jim jim Where are we going? Dwight dwight We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Jim jim Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Michael michael We're going to the hospital, Michael. Jim jim I know, just sayin'. Michael michael Dwight, what are you drinking? Michael michael I found it under the seat. Dwight dwight Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. Jim jim I'm thirsty. Dwight dwight Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight] Jim jim No! Dwight dwight Give the bottle to Michael! Jim jim I'm thirsty! Dwight dwight Give it to me. Michael michael No. Dwight dwight Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired. Michael michael You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! Dwight dwight Give it to me Dwight. Michael michael No. [takes a drink] Dwight dwight Give me the bottle!! Michael michael [to Michael] Will you stop? Jim jim Gimme the bottle, Dwight! Michael michael Michael stop. Jim jim [drinks] Mmmmm... Dwight dwight Just give it! Michael michael Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight] Jim jim Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle! Michael michael Stop [sprays Michael] Jim jim My eyes! Dwight dwight Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! Michael michael My eyes! Dwight dwight Dwight, what is your middle name. Michael michael Danger. Dwight dwight [sigh] Something with a "K". Michael michael It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. Jim jim What do I write under "reason for visit"? Michael michael Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write? Jim jim Nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital". Michael michael So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. Jim jim No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim] Michael michael Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight] Jim jim Hi Michael! Dwight dwight Hi Dwight. Michael michael Ahhh. Mweehaa Dwight dwight Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? Michael michael A head injury. Doctor doctor Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. Michael michael [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. Doctor doctor What is that? Dwight dwight Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? Michael michael Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. Doctor doctor Ok, what kinda machine is that? Michael michael Does the skin look red and swollen? Doctor doctor That's what she said. Dwight dwight That's my joke, damnit Dwight. Michael michael Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... Lab Tech lab-tech It's ok, they're with me. Michael michael No metal of any kind. Lab Tech lab-tech Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. Michael michael I don't want to do this. Dwight dwight Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. Michael michael Oh. Dwight dwight Fine. Fine. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. Jim jim Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? Pam pam Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. Jim jim I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. Pam pam Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. Jim jim Really? Michael went in with him? Pam pam Uh huh. Jim jim Wow. Pam pam But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. Jim jim Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. Pam pam Ok. Jim jim Ok. Bye. Pam pam Bye. Jim jim Hey, Oscar? Pam pam What's up, Pam? Oscar oscar I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. Pam pam Ok... Oscar oscar I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. Pam pam Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that. Lab Tech lab-tech [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it. Oscar oscar Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill. Michael michael I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow. Jim jim I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try? Michael michael You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast. Jim jim Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs. Michael michael And doctors. Jim jim Yes, so, no thank you. Michael michael Pssht. Dwight dwight What? Michael michael Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing. Dwight dwight Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright. Michael michael My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott. Ryan ryan Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot] Angela angela [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time. Toby toby Yeah, I've been sayin that. Michael michael Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward. Toby toby Did you know I used to be in HR? Michael michael I'm sorry? Toby toby I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser. Michael michael Uh, ok. Toby toby Right? [laughs] Michael michael Uh, great. Why don't we move on? Toby toby Alright. Movin' on. Michael michael Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call] Toby toby Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate? Michael michael They were out. Ryan ryan Oh come on. Michael michael At three different places. Ryan ryan Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy. Michael michael Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say "stuff a cold"? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon. Michael michael Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: Dwight dwight We need to get your friend into the CT machine. Doctor doctor Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me? Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose? Dwight dwight No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. Michael michael Oh God. Oh God. Dwight dwight Guh-od. Michael michael Oh God. Dwight dwight Ok, I'll stand near you. Michael michael Next to me? Dwight dwight Next-ish. Michael michael [Spanish language telenovela dialogue from the waiting room T.V.] None none I'm gonna pull the car around. Jim jim Shh shh shh shh. Michael michael Do you speak Spanish? Jim jim No. Do you? Michael michael No, I don't. Jim jim