[Dwight's computer chimes] None none Stone & Son Suit Warehouse contract expired with their paper provider! Go get it! -David Wallace New Instant Message new-instant-message Stone and Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider. They're a family owned business [chuckles]. Jim and I used to clean up at those. We'd go in pretending to be family - brothers. We did it at a family owned law firm, at a family owned construction company, and a family owned motorcycle store. Jim and Dwight Shrupert. I was the dynamic, likeable winner that was doted upon by Mom. And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong. The client never knew any of that, but I knew. Dwight dwight [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of "Handsome and Stinky, paper brothers for hire". Dwight dwight Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy. Jim jim Oh, god, this again? You're Stinky. Dwight dwight Okay. There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something. Jim jim Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great great grandmother who died of stupidity. Dwight dwight I have ears, Dwight. Phyllis phyllis Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears. [back to Jim] See what you leave me with here, Jim? Dwight dwight Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now. Jim jim How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour. Dwight dwight Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour? Jim jim Mmm. That's a good... question. 300 times... [Jim hangs up] 180... Um that comes to 25 minutes. [realizes Jim hung up] Yes. Oh, well, thank you Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you. Dwight dwight Darryl, looking good! Nellie nellie Heading to Philly. Interview with Jim's company. Darryl darryl Hey, good luck. When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him? Pam pam Why don't you come along and tell him yourself? Darryl darryl Ha ha. That'd be great. Kind of like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get... What do you get? Oh my god! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here. Oh, hey, Erin, um, I'm expecting a shipment of pens. Can you cover that? Pam pam Mhm. Cover that. What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details. Erin erin A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order. Pam pam What? Everything? What, how do I make sure it's in order? I [laughs] haven't been trained for this. Erin erin [giggles] Okay, see you later. Pam pam Hey guys. Clark clark Clark! Phyllis phyllis Hey! Meredith meredith Hey, look who's back, Dwight Junior. Oscar oscar Hey, so how was it? I mean... the sex with Jan. Kevin kevin A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters. Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved. Clark clark Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week. I mean it was... like making love with a wild animal. But not like a cougar like you might think. It was uh... like a swarm of bees. Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room. Clark clark Nothing wrong with being a gentleman. Like my mom used to say, "Talk classy, act nasty". Meredith meredith What's with the wig Meredith? Clark clark What, is it on backwards? [partially removes wig, revealing her bald head] Meredith meredith Nope, you got it. You fixed it. Uh, I have a gift from Jan. It's an espresso maker! We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast so... bon appetite. Clark clark Ooo! 16 types of espresso! Now that's Italian. Phyllis phyllis My friend has one of these. Fool-proof espresso every time. Oscar oscar Always with the friends Oscar. Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine? Meredith meredith Actually, it's pronounced "espresso"... Wait. That's what you said. I apologize, I just assumed you would mispronounce it. So... Oscar oscar There he is! [chuckles] We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the white pages. Prouder of me, but... Dwight dwight If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission. Clark clark Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh... No. Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that? Dwight dwight [sarcastically chuckling] I loved it. Clark clark How would you like to pretend to by my son in order to land a sale? Dwight dwight If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend. Clark clark Then looks like we have a deal... Son [holds up a suit identical to his] Dwight dwight Hi guys! Erin erin Hey, look who it is! Pete pete Sorry. Super-busy. Pens coming in later, just grabbing a Java before all hell breaks loose. Erin erin Try this one. [handing Erin a cup of espresso] Oscar oscar Thank you! [leaves the room] Erin erin I don't really have time to think about Pete right now. I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens. And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super guilty if I broke anyone's trust. About the pens. Erin erin You ready for your interview? Pam pam I was born ready! No, I suck at interviews. I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview. Darryl darryl Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this. This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys just as dorky as Jim. Pam pam Yeah, I guess... Darryl darryl Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims. I love the guy, but he's basically Gumby with hair. [Darryl laughs] Pam pam [chuckling] It's kind of funny, a father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store. Suit Store Father suit-store-father You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we boy? [to Clark] Dwight dwight No, we sure hadn't Pop. [both chuckling] Clark clark [Takes picture from desk] Oh! You're a hunter I see. Spend your early mornings out in the blinds, like Clarky and me. Huh? [grabs Clark's shoulder] Dwight dwight He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my Dad. Clark clark Guilty! Dwight dwight You don't meet many hunters these days. Suit Store Father suit-store-father My dad is the best hunter there is. I mean, he's like a serial killer... of animals. One time, he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right of. It was sick! [Dwight imitates sawing and blood spurting out of his neck, then makes a dying noise] Clark clark It was his birthday, just turned three. So... Dwight dwight Ahh... Suit Store Father suit-store-father You guys, I kind of think I want to try them all. Is that crazy? Oscar oscar No. Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder? Nellie nellie Taste test? I'm in! Kevin kevin YOLO! [singing and dancing] Oscar oscar What? [everyone is confused] Phyllis phyllis It's a thing. It means "you only live once". Oscar oscar Yeah, we're aware of what it means Oscar, you just do not look cool saying it. Kevin kevin Well... Oscar oscar Alright everybody, who's in? [everyone except Angela puts their hand in the middle of the group, like a huddle] Angela? [Angela shakes her head] Don't make us come over there. Kevin kevin No, I don't... no. Angela angela Alright, let's go. [starts shuffling the whole group towards Angela] Kevin kevin Can't I just agree without putting my hand in? Angela angela Absolutely not! Nellie nellie No way. Kevin kevin Oh, fine. [puts a napkin on top of everyone else's hands and reluctantly puts her own hand on the napkin] Angela angela Ok guys, "we all drink them all". Kevin kevin [Meredith, Phyllis, Nellie, Angela, Creed, Oscar, Stanley] We all drink them all! Everyone everyone Yes! Kevin kevin Yes! Oscar oscar Whoo! Nellie nellie Hey, where's my ring? Phyllis phyllis I'm sure it'll turn up. Creed creed [in the background] Yes ma'am, you want to go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonweath. You'll see us on the right side, you can't miss us. Athlead Employee athlead-employee ...And I want to reach every demographic possible. Dennis dennis No, I hear what you're saying, and we will. The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first. The rest will come, I promise. Just give me a couple weeks, alright? Jim jim We're talking weeks here, not months, right? Dennis dennis Weeks. Always weeks. Man, the last time I talked months was like, a million weeks ago. Jim jim Alright. Good. Dennis dennis Thanks Dennis, I appreciate it. [To Pam] Hey! How are you? Jim jim Good! Pam pam What are you doing here? Jim jim I just wanted to see you! Pam pam That's so great! Jim jim Damn! Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here man. You Zuckerberged this place out! Darryl darryl It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along... [to coworker] Hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline Jim jim Okay Wade wade [back to Pam] Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home. Jim jim ...But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car. He's a good boy, does whatever I say. Dwight dwight [sighs] I can't relate to that, my son hates my guts. Suit Store Father suit-store-father Oh... really. Dwight dwight Bring him into the business, and he resents me. How do you like that? Suit Store Father suit-store-father [fumbling] Well, things between me and Clark are good, but not great. In fact, I will say that they're not even good. Really, they're bad. Like you and your son. Dwight dwight [enters] Here you go, Pop! I know it was just a couple minutes, but... God I missed you! Clark clark What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a hooligan, smoking a doobie? Dwight dwight [confused] I sure was. Just like he taught me, looking cool. Clark clark You're being disrespectful! Dwight dwight ...And I love you, for saying that. Clark clark [whispers to Clark] We don't get along. Dwight dwight [catches on] Ha ha! I just burned him. Because the truth is... our relationship is... terr- Clark clark Terrible! Dwight dwight Terrible. Clark clark Yes! Genius. Stupid, stupid genius! Dwight dwight Wow, this place is... so great. I had no idea - on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky. Pam pam Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet. It is a startup, so... These things go down all the time. Jim jim If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it. With it. I wanna go down with it. Darryl darryl [to Pam] Are you cool to just hang out? Jim jim Sure, no problem. Pam pam Yeah? [to Darryl] You ready? Jim jim Yeah. Darryl darryl Let's do it! Jim jim The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked. But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, "Uh, sure. I'll accept the pens when they come in, and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit as some great pen unpacker. On the other hand... they are just sitting here. Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them. Don't want to be a busybody, but I don't want to be a lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Busybody, lazybones. Ahh! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now, it's insane! I'm sorry, what was your question again? Oh yeah, no. I've never had an espresso before. They're good though. Erin erin A-bam! [slams espresso cup on table] My favorite is Viennese Amaretto. And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select! Nellie nellie Yes! [giggles and picks up Angela] Kevin kevin Ugh! Angela angela One! [as he picks Angela up in the air] Kevin kevin Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! Angela angela Two... [picks Angela up again] Kevin kevin Stop it! Angela angela Three... Kevin kevin That's enough Kevin. Oscar oscar Stop it Kevin! Angela angela Four! Kevin kevin That's enough! Oscar oscar Kevin! Angela angela So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing. Clark clark I heard that before... Suit Store Father suit-store-father Well, I understand, but - Clark clark I bet you have. He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son. Dwight dwight Here we go again, another lecture from the old man. Clark clark Listen to him. He created you. Suit Store Father suit-store-father Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve. No wonder women despise you. Dwight dwight Women don't despise me... Clark clark His last girlfriend was a transvestite. I knew it right away. Adam's apple like the prow of a ship, thumbs like a lowland gorilla. Ha, but this one couldn't see it, or didn't wanna see it. Dwight dwight Alright, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too. Clark clark Yeah? Like what? Dwight dwight Like the time that you got drunk and, and then... Killed those kids on their way to prom! Clark clark That never happened. He's always been a liar. Ever since he was a little kid. He got caught "saving treats" from the kitty litter box. Dwight dwight Really shameful... Suit Store Father suit-store-father So we can offer you matte or glossy printing- Clark clark Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers. Dwight dwight There's obviously a volume discount uh, if you- Clark clark Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going "please kitty, may I have some more?" You can't make this stuff up! Dwight dwight No, I think someone could make it up. Someone with very few friends. Clark clark Hey fellas, sorry to keep you waiting. Suit Store Son suit-store-son Here he is, my son. Suit Store Father suit-store-father [scoffs] Got cat turd collector written all over him. Dwight dwight ...Did you say cat turd collector? Suit Store Son suit-store-son ...So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the northeast. Of course, that's not a mandate. Athlead Employee athlead-employee "Mandate"- Always think of two men on a date. [awkward moment] I have gay friends... I have one gay friend. [to Jim] Oscar? Darryl darryl Mm-hm Jim jim Alright, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here? Athlead Employee athlead-employee [freezes] Ummm... [a moment later] Alright. Obviously y'all look really busy, and uh, I don't want to waste your time anymore. Sorry, I just uhh... Obviously I'm not qualified to be here man, I'm... I'm a warehouse manager, you know... Darryl darryl Darryl, I was a newspaper editor. Athlead Employee athlead-employee Science teacher, volleyball coach. Female Athlead Employee athlead-employee I work at a home shopping network. 3rd Athlead Employee athlead-employee I'm a laywer. I'm the only one here who can honestly help. [group chuckles] 4th Athlead Employee athlead-employee And as you know, I was a paper salesman. [whispers to Darryl] Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked. [group overhears and chuckles] Jim jim Cool. Hey, thanks... Darryl darryl So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company? Athlead Employee athlead-employee Yes, as a matter of fact, I uh... [pulls booklets from his bag] I wrote some down. There you go. [passes out booklets] Wow, this guy came prepared, it impresses me! [group laughs] Darryl darryl Ah! So, this is what 2:00 P.M. looks like around here! Stanley stanley I usually take a siesta about now. Stanley stanley [to Erin] Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator. Pete pete No, I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave. When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear. Erin erin Pam! Pam, look out! Erin's gunning for your job! Kevin kevin No, I'm not! [Kevin imitates gunfire] It's not like that at all! Forget it, I'm so sorry. Erin erin Pam, look out! Kevin kevin Pens, you did not buy into this. I am sorry, what a day you've had. Erin erin By the way, Jim talks about you all the time. Athlead Employee athlead-employee That's sweet that he talks about me. Pam pam It's too bad he still hast to work part time in Scranton though... Athlead Employee athlead-employee Well, that's funny because I think of him as working part time in Philadelphia. Pam pam We can't wait until you move here. Athlead Employee athlead-employee I'm sorry, you guys are here to sell us paper? Suit Store Son suit-store-son Do you mind? The men are talking. Dwight dwight Sons used to idolize their fathers. Suit Store Father suit-store-father Us old timers need to stick together. And how better than by signing a contract? Dwight dwight I'd love to! Sam Junior here, he runs the business now. Kind of pushed me out, truth be told. I'm just here for human contract. Suit Store Father suit-store-father Okay Pop... Suit Store Son suit-store-son Wait, so you're the boss? Dwight dwight That's right. Suit Store Son suit-store-son Hi, I'm Clark. Clark clark Hey. Suit Store Son suit-store-son Let's talk. Clark clark Okay. Suit Store Son suit-store-son So if you look at our catalog here... Clark clark Well, thanks for coming down Darryl. Athlead Employee athlead-employee It was nice meeting you Darryl, I think you'd fit in great here. Female Athlead Employee athlead-employee Yeah, yeah me too. I think it'd be like... You know what? [grabs basketball] I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot... Perfecto! [shoots basketball at hoop on wall, basketball misses and lands in fish tank, killing the fish] Oh my god... Darryl darryl They're the ones who put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop. It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece. Pam pam So I'm like a three year old girl in this scenario... Darryl darryl Say they don't hire you. It's not like you're out on the street. You have a great job with people who love you. Pam pam And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends. You know, I'm... I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia. Darryl darryl Right? Thank you! It's just Philly. Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London. Pam pam Who needs it? Darryl darryl Not us. Pam pam [enters] Okay, so the consensus was that that was unique. They're going to make you pay for the fish, and... they wanted to know when you can start. Jim jim What? [Jim shrugs] How about yesterday? Darryl darryl Congratulations. Pam pam Oh, thank you. Darryl darryl I guess you gotta move to Philly after all. Pam pam Yes, I love Philly! Two-One-Five or die! Darryl darryl No, I'm not upset. I'm really excited for Darryl... Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him. Pam pam It feels really hot in here. Is it hot in here? It feels really really hot in here. Kevin kevin It's insane! They need to have the A.C. on year round! January too! Oscar oscar [banging on window] I don't get the point of this stupid window! Angela angela I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change. Check out my dad's suit. You are looking at pure acrylic. That's why his face always breaks out. Clark clark Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? [Clark chuckles] Suit Store Son suit-store-son You know what Dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit. I mean, I'm going to need one right? If I'm ever going to get a "real job" and move my "lazy ass" out of your "G.D. house". Clark clark He's got you there... Suit Store Son suit-store-son [to Clark in dressing room] That's Italian silk. Very comfortable. Very tasteful... Although expensive. Suit Store Son suit-store-son Yeah, you don't want Italian. You'll look like a mafia don. Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island. Dwight dwight Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker from boring island. Clark clark That place doesn't exist. It's not a documented island. Ha ha, cartograph much? Dwight dwight [emerges from dressing room wearing a sharp black suit] How do I look? Clark clark Actually... You look great. They steered you right. I guess it does make sense buying from a father son team. You know what? I'll take one too. Dwight dwight Everyone! Now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to? Oscar oscar Whoo! Nellie nellie Frickin' A! Meredith meredith Huh? Oscar oscar So long, noise! Kevin kevin One, two, three! [all gather around copier and push, tearing carpet beneath] Oscar oscar And we have torn up the carpet! Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble! Nellie nellie Wait! [looking at the hardwood floor beneath the carpet] It's beautiful. Hardwood! I always knew it was down here, I just never dreamed that I would actually see it. Oscar oscar Tear up the carpet! Meredith meredith Whoo! Nellie nellie Kill their fish, and they still hire me. That's how you do that, baby. It's all good, I'm ready. Y'all ready for this? [sings intro to "Everybody dance now", points to Pam to sing first line] Darryl darryl [reluctantly] Everybody dance now... [Darryl continues singing] Pam pam Kevin, move. I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet. Oscar oscar Well I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me. Kevin kevin Oh, my head is killing me. Does anyone have a baby asprin? Angela angela Oh, enough with the whining already! Why don't you just have some more coffee? Nellie nellie It's all gone. I didn't get a chance to try them all because Creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant. Stanley stanley I saw the leaves twitch! Creed creed Shut up! Angela angela You shut up! Creed creed Everybody shut up and work! Oscar oscar We don't work for you! Phyllis phyllis Yeah! Kevin kevin Yeah! Angela angela Hey, it's five o'clock. [everyone leaves and a traffic backup occurs in the parking lot] Stanley stanley [with horns honking] Kevin, can- Oscar oscar What's going on? Angela angela Yes! We did it! [leaving the suit store] Dwight dwight You opened the door- Clark clark And you closed it. The boys are back in town. [high fives Clark] High fives! Ha ha! Dwight dwight Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business, that was about you, right? Clark clark You got me! [tickles Clark and chuckles] I used to collect them! Dwight dwight Why? Clark clark Each one is very different, like a snowflake. Dwight dwight [shocked after seeing the torn up carpet] Hey... What happened here? Pam pam You left me in charge of the pens, Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened. Erin erin ...Are the pens here? Pam pam