[telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling. Pam pam Nice. Kevin kevin There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not -- it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it. Pam pam Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal. Pam pam Wow. It's the end of an era. Jim jim Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home. Pam pam I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy. Oscar oscar When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel. Kevin kevin How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin? Ryan ryan I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, "Look, a balloon." Kevin kevin My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms. Dwight dwight My kid didn't have a face tattoo. Meredith meredith I was still thinking of going back to school. Darryl darryl And I was still just a paper salesman. Jim jim Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs] Dwight dwight Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause] All all Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it? Jim jim oooh Kevin kevin Me. Darryl darryl Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Right here. Dwight dwight Allow me to solve your problem, then. Nellie nellie Nellie Jim jim Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie? Nellie nellie What brings you to town? Jim jim Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here. Nellie nellie What? Dwight dwight How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation. Dwight dwight Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony. Toby toby Mm. Nellie nellie What? Pam pam I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby. Toby toby You messed up saying your name? Pam pam It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in. Toby toby That one looks empty. Nellie nellie No, that's Andy's office. Jim jim Oh, is it? Nellie nellie I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded. Nellie nellie Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo. Erin erin Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers] Alonzo alonzo How are you? How's your family doing? Erin erin Bye. Erin erin Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away. Erin erin Nellie. Robert robert Robert. Nellie nellie How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far? Robert robert So far, so good. Nellie nellie Good. Robert robert Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous. Nellie nellie Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it? Robert robert Mm-hm. Nellie nellie Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we? Robert robert Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove. Nellie nellie We have a manager. Robert robert Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap. Nellie nellie Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning? Robert robert Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys? Kevin kevin [on phone] Hello. Andy andy Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work? Robert robert Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick. Andy andy I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately. Robert robert Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the... Andy andy [standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu. Andy andy He just hung up on me mid-sentence. Robert robert I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP. Andy andy Not much we can do about this until he gets here. Robert robert Can't you do something about this? Jim jim Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim. Robert robert -Right. Jim jim What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on? Jim jim Erin, you got a package. Irene irene I'm in the bathroom. Erin erin Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label. Glenn glenn Did you wash your hands? Irene irene Yes. Erin erin [screaming as Andy busts out of box] {Erin} and {Irene} erin irene [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours! Andy andy Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you. Erin erin Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you. Andy andy Where's the ring? Irene irene Hm? Andy andy Where's the ring, Lancelot? Irene irene Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn. Erin erin Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you. Erin erin [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him? Glenn glenn [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome. Irene irene Hey... don't listen. Erin erin So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo? Nellie nellie I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name. Jim jim So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager. Nellie nellie Robert, is Nellie our new manager? Pam pam [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out. Robert robert We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman? Robert robert I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way. Nellie nellie Hot tub party? Kevin kevin Performance reviews. Nellie nellie How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us? Pam pam On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me. Nellie nellie Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today. Glenn glenn Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better. Erin erin So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend? Irene irene Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know. Andy andy So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend. Erin erin I think you should leave, young man. Irene irene All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you. Andy andy You didn't even stop to pee? Gross. Erin erin Any luck? Jim jim No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail. Pam pam [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na- Andy andy Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating] Erin erin You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are. Irene irene Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger. Andy andy You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session. Irene irene I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine. Andy andy You could put it on silent. Irene irene I don't think it does that. Andy andy Just go to preferences, then click - Irene irene [answering Andy's phone] Proctology. Glenn glenn [on phone] Andy? Jim jim Jim? Andy andy Andy, where are you? Jim jim I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the- I got the serious poops, man. Andy andy He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down. Irene irene What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job. Jim jim What do you mean, take my job? Andy andy Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager. Jim jim Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later. Andy andy Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager. Jim jim Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work? Angela angela I like working here. Pam pam Dwight, should she be our manager? Jim jim I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm. Dwight dwight Those who can't farm, farm celery. Dwight dwight And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat] Jim jim All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis. Nellie nellie Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know. Phyllis phyllis Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight. Nellie nellie I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever. Dwight dwight Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise. Nellie nellie What? Dwight dwight Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise? Nellie nellie There's no limit to what I think I deserve. Dwight dwight Then you accept it? Nellie nellie Five percent. No less. Dwight dwight Absolutely not. Seven percent. Nellie nellie Six percent, I know my worth. Dwight dwight The raise isn't real. Jim jim Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard. Dwight dwight So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it. Nellie nellie Phyllis. Pam pam Pam. Phyllis phyllis So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you. Nellie nellie Really? Phyllis phyllis Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive. Nellie nellie Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises? Jim jim I am not. Huh. Robert robert Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis. Jim jim Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown? Robert robert Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not- sorry. Jim jim Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss. Robert robert Yes. Jim jim Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor? Robert robert Oh, god, nature, please. Jim jim When two animals are having sex, one of them... Robert robert [exhales sharply] Jim jim ... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor. Robert robert Was that not the- Jim jim All life is sex. And all sex is competition. Robert robert Mm-hm. Jim jim And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it? Robert robert Was that it? No, that wasn't bad. Jim jim My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is? Robert robert No. I would've said no. Jim jim Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise. Nellie nellie Oh, great. Kelly kelly I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that. Jim jim No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now. Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Yes. Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Yes. Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Yes. Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Yes. Dwight dwight No. Darryl darryl Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off. Dwight dwight [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow. Dwight dwight [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome. Dwight dwight Touch me and I'll sue. Creed creed I've heard that's amazing when it works. Erin erin Yeah, if I had my own- Andy andy Andy, I care about you and I think- Erin erin -sorry, you go. Andy andy No, go ahead. Erin erin Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say? Andy andy Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else? Erin erin You broke my heart too. Andy andy You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be. Erin erin I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time. Andy andy I know. Erin erin [sighs] Andy andy So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want. Nellie nellie Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy. Pam pam That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two. Nellie nellie Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim? Pam pam Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night? Nellie nellie Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle. Pam pam You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap? Nellie nellie No. Pam pam Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money. Nellie nellie I think... you're a witch. Pam pam I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: "I'm amazing." Nellie nellie [drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs] Pam pam Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy. Irene irene Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon. Erin erin I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink- Irene irene Irene, what would you do without me? Erin erin We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot. Irene irene Why? Erin erin He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture. Irene irene Jim, time for your review. Nellie nellie No, it's not, because you don't really work here. Jim jim Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise? Nellie nellie Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises. Jim jim Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell? Nellie nellie Yes. Jim jim I'm Tinkerbell. Nellie nellie No. Jim jim Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises. Nellie nellie And we are grateful. Stanley stanley But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist. Nellie nellie She dies. Jim jim She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell? Nellie nellie Let's see it. Show of hands. Jim jim I do. [applause] Come on everyone... Kevin kevin All right, guys, stop. Jim jim I already spent the money. Meredith meredith How? Jim jim Come on Jim, you're killing her! Kevin kevin We believe! We believe! All all Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues] Robert robert That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it. Andy andy Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry. Erin erin Erin! Andy andy Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street] Erin erin Let's get out of here. Erin erin Okay. Andy andy Let's go. Erin erin Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff. Andy andy No, I don't have any stuff. Erin erin Like your toothbrush and stuff. Andy andy I don't have one. Erin erin You don't have a toothbrush? Andy andy No. Erin erin How do you not have a toothbrush? Andy andy I just... there's always one around. Erin erin You just use whichever one is sitting there? Andy andy I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush? Erin erin Of course. I own my toothbrush. Andy andy I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random. Nellie nellie