Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR [imitating trumpet] and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine. Dwight dwight Are you holding this chair? Ryan ryan Yes. Dwight dwight 'cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off. Ryan ryan Yes. Yes. Dwight dwight I'm not wearing the right shoes for this. Ryan ryan We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots. Dwight dwight Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening. Erin erin Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It's me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it's working. There's already people camped out behind me. Erin erin Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, [cockney accent] I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than ... what's lower than dirt? Nellie nellie Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core. Dwight dwight Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn't even get a callback. Nellie nellie Which Spice Girl? Jim jim The black one. I never stood a chance. Nellie nellie Okay. Jim jim Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey. Nellie nellie Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much. Dwight dwight Yep Todd Packer todd-packer Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing - bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this? Dwight dwight When people see this presentation, they're gonna [bleep] in their pants. Ryan ryan Okay. Dwight dwight Come on, man. Jim jim Seriously disgusting. Cathy cathy Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers. Dwight dwight Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea. Cathy cathy Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid. Dwight dwight Uh... Todd Packer todd-packer Uh... that is excellent. Nellie nellie I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player. Todd Packer todd-packer Perfect casting, right? Dwight dwight Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator. Todd Packer todd-packer I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples. Nellie nellie Speaking of pimples, let's release the BLOGGERS! Dwight dwight Morning, everyone. Andy andy Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning? Kevin kevin Don't care. Tell me later. Andy andy Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this. Kevin kevin What do you got? Andy andy Oh, my god! Kelly kelly Do you have a black eye? Phyllis phyllis Yes, I do. Phyllis. Andy andy I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what? Kevin kevin What? Andy andy It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car. Kevin kevin Andy, who punched you? Darryl darryl Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office? Meredith meredith Black eye, Meredith. Angela angela Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering. Kelly kelly Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam... Andy andy That's true. Pam pam They had, uh... weapons. Andy andy Weapons. Pam pam I just stepped in to talk some sense into them. Andy andy But these were not the kind of people who use their words. Pam pam Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime. Andy andy Thank goodness he was there. Pam pam Good job Andy. Oscar oscar Yeah [all murmuring] Kevin kevin I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done. Andy andy Open the gates! There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There's plenty for everyone! Dwight dwight Quit it. Man man There's plenty. Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir. Dwight dwight I was ahead of you! Erin erin Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of Pyramids. Dwight dwight Come on. I was in line before you. Erin erin So you're a blogger right? Cathy cathy Yeah. Blogger. Blogger blogger God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I'm trying to be a good girl for once. Cathy cathy Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don't want to leave yet. I haven't had so much fun since seeing... zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun. Erin erin How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now! Oscar oscar No. Andy andy Yes. Angela angela No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police. They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Pam? Andy andy Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street. Pam pam And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area. Andy andy Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood? Angela angela Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5. Andy andy 1-8-5-0-5. Pam pam Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7. Darryl darryl Look, I don't feel safe. I think we should call the police. Phyllis phyllis Yes. Angela angela Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why... Toby is giving us self defense training. Andy andy Me? Toby toby Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense? Andy andy Yeah, um... I can't believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup. Toby toby Great. Andy andy Yes! Nellie nellie Okay. Blogger blogger I wasn't really sure which one of you is Chuck. Nellie nellie [on phone] Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl? Jim jim Look at that guy. He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it. Blogger blogger This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog. Blogger #2 blogger Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay. Jim jim Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad. Nellie nellie Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really -- on the Internet, it's a really -- that's a really good, good, thing. Dwight dwight Are you trying to sabotage this entire event? Dwight dwight I'm very sorry. Jim jim We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? "Hello. Hi sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape." Nellie nellie I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck? Jim jim You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do. Dwight dwight Point it towards the store, idiot! Dwight dwight [laughs] You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over. Dwight dwight Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here! Dwight dwight We are closed! Come on. Erin erin Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let's try it. Toby toby [smacks Meredith's head] [screams] [runs out] Creed creed Ow. Meredith meredith That may have been my fault. Toby toby What the hell, Toby? Meredith meredith Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. "It's all about the groin." Toby toby What if you're being attacked by a ... smallish man who happens to not have a groin? Andy andy I don't think that's very common. Toby toby What if you're being attacked by a 4'11" man who is penisless? Andy andy Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker? Oscar oscar Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man. Andy andy Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female. Toby toby So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself? Andy andy It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... [everyone groans] written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu. Toby toby Can I please leave? I have a rape flute. Angela angela All right, well, let's try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn't everyone stand? Okay, so... you're being attacked. You've got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two. Toby toby One, two. Everyone everyone [softly] Take that, kid. Andy andy Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine. Dwight dwight Patty Grossman. I'm a woman. Lady Blogger lady-blogger But you still work for Wired, right? Dwight dwight Yes. Patty patty Good! Okay. Flirt away. Dwight dwight Sabre. It's time to come home. Ryan ryan Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous. Jim jim Yeah, no [bleep], Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it? Ryan ryan Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen. Dwight dwight You know what? Ryan ryan You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea. Dwight dwight Dwight. Jim jim I'm trying to make him feel important. Dwight dwight God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say. Ryan ryan Um... [imitating Kelly] Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee. Dwight dwight You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books. Ryan ryan What's a book? [giggles] Dwight dwight On my God. You're so embarrassing. My mom would say the best stuff, though. Ryan ryan [ahem] You can... [slightly effeminate] You can do it Ryan. Jim jim And you know that I'm capable of this. Ryan ryan You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie. Jim jim What did you think of the presentation? Ryan ryan I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one -- Jim jim Oh! "Fix" means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink! Ryan ryan Jim, get him a water. Dwight dwight No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red! Ryan ryan Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink! Dwight dwight Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive. Toby toby Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice? Lady lady [deep voice] I think you guys might have the wrong Office. Andy andy That's him... the guy I hit. Girl girl What? Darryl darryl You've gotta be kidding me. Oscar oscar Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass? Kevin kevin No, Kevin -- [sighs] Oscar oscar What about the lady you hit with the pine cone? Lady lady There. That chubby one. Girl girl I just had a baby. Pam pam Yesterday? Girl girl Wow. Pam pam Apologize. Lady lady Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your "thin" girlfriend. Girl girl How 'bout we wait til next year after you have your kid? Pam pam You know what? Tiffy's going to college. Lady lady [deep voice] Listen, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I'll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day. Andy andy God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye. Lady lady Bye. Kevin kevin So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- "How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls." Kelly kelly There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me. Toby toby No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere. Kelly kelly Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop. Darryl darryl Oh... [Kelly laughing] Andy andy Have you seen Erin? Dwight dwight I'm on break. Stanley stanley Oh God... Hey no! Where do you think you're going? You've gotta stay for the big presentation we've got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates. Dwight dwight When's the presentation? Blogger blogger It's moments away. Just stay here! Dwight dwight [on phone] Hey Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? Well, that doesn't make any sense to me. Ryan ryan How you doing? Nellie nellie Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry. I- I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don't understand is... [voice fades] Ryan ryan [to Dwight] Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it. Nellie nellie Sorry about kicking you out. It's just, we don't want our brand associated with death. Erin erin It's okay. I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men. Old Lady old-lady You're not married yet? Erin erin [laughs] Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away. Old Lady old-lady My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends. Erin erin Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him! Old Lady old-lady Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband. Erin erin Well... Old Lady old-lady How long has he been in the bathroom? Dwight dwight About ten minutes. Jim jim Jeez! What's he doing in there? [cell phone vibrates] Dwight dwight Oops, that's my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out? Jim jim Are there any bloggers around? Dwight dwight It's Ryan. "I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home." Jim jim What is the delay here? Where's Ryan? Why is he not here? Nellie nellie I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy! Dwight dwight Uh... Jim jim What? Nellie nellie That's right. Will you just give us a second? Dwight dwight You are gonna bloody ruin it. You're gonna bloody ruin it because you're a no-good half-assed cock-eyed... Nellie nellie okay. Jim jim That's.... Nellie nellie Jim -- Dwight dwight I'm not doing the Presentation. Jim jim Look at me. Look at me! Look... at... this... face. This is not the face of a performer. This is the face of a scary apparition you see before you die. I'm telling you... if you don't do this, [whispers] I don't stand a chance. Please, Jim. Dwight dwight Okay, I'll do it. Jim jim Oh, my God. O... Kay! Go get into Ryan's costume and check out his notes. Dwight dwight A costume? Jim jim Of course there's a costume! [laughs] Oh, this is gonna be great. There's nothing like some last-minutes changes to really energize a presentation. Dwight dwight Did you pass out in there? What is taking so long? Dwight dwight I've been in here for 20 seconds. Jim jim Hurry up. Let me in. I wanna watch you get dressed. Did you find the eyeliner? Dwight dwight I'm not wearing eyeliner. Jim jim You are wearing eyeliner, Jim. Dwight dwight [Coldplay's Clocks] None none Time. Space. Gender. [Dwight mouthing words] There are no rules anymore. All boundaries are breaking down in the wake of the infinite future. The only thing that -- the only thing that remain -- the only thing that remains are the things that have stood the test of time -- love, values, and of course, the pyramids -- the strongest shape ever constructed, a shape that fits all other shapes inside of it. [softly] No, that's -- Jim jim It's true. Dwight dwight This... is the future, because... This is the past. I've been through a lot of issues in my life. I've seen drug addiction -- unemployment. I've been in a relationship that tore my heart apart, without ever being able to accept that love drove the pain. [scattered applause] Jim jim Yep. Dwight dwight When I was ten years old, my parents took me to Disney world. I cried the whole time. I was not able to comprehend the beauty that was before me. I just wanted... to go home. This is what the Pyramid will do for you. It is the bridge to the world. It has a usb port. Wireless... will be available in 2013. You can play Anything from Chuck to Cars 2. With the Pyramid, you have the connection to everything -- in time... and space. Jim jim ahhhhhh Crowd crowd Psst. Dwight dwight Oh. Jim jim [image on Pyramid] Sabre... It's time... to come home. Ryan ryan [applause] Crowd crowd All right. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow! And good night! [applause continues] Jim jim Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Jim jim Okay, this isn't over. Let's stay focused, okay? We made fun of Andy earlier for getting beat up by a little girl, but... little things can be dangerous. Toby toby Whether it's a gremlin or chucky the doll. The key is to throw it in something. Like a fireplace, or a tub of electricity. Kevin kevin Okay. Good point... Toby toby Good point? What is a tub of electricity? Angela angela I don't... I don't... Toby toby With all due respect we know what we're defending against: a twelve year old female bully. Oscar oscar I was a twelve year old bully. Kelly kelly Great! I think Kelly should attack Toby. Angela angela Yeah. Others others Yeah, that's not a bad idea, actually, because I have had a lot of pent up aggression. Kelly kelly Thanks. Angela angela Good. Let's go. Kelly kelly I don't know if this is gonna help...Uh... Toby toby Let's go Kelly. Angela angela We should stay to maybe some more traditional models... Toby toby You think you're so pretty! Well you're not gonna be so pretty come Prom time! Kelly kelly Okay, this is what's called pre-violent posturing. Toby toby Take that! Not so pre-violent anymore! Kelly kelly Okay, I'm at what's called "the decision point." Toby toby Hey, hey, hey. Kelly Kelly, Kelly... come on.... Ow! God! My good eye! Andy andy [laughs] Oh boy. Oh no, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at, um, something that Cece did on the playground earlier -- yesterday. This morning. Pam pam You know why I got hit by girls? Because I stood up for others. Pam and for Toby. I stepped in and I didn't care that I was standing up to girls. You may wanna ask yourselves, "Where were you when the girls came?" Andy andy Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of pain killers, drank a half a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good! Andy andy Okay, okay, I will be the first to admit it. We could have integrated more Chuck into the Presentation. Dwight dwight Dwight. You're the vice president. Nellie nellie Ha, ha, ha, ha! Yeah! Dwight dwight [squealing] Nellie nellie Okay! Come on! Dwight dwight aagh! Nellie nellie Hah! Yah! [kicking and punching the air] Boom! Dwight dwight