[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite] None none Oh yeah! Kevin kevin Aw! All all Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper. Dwight dwight You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar? Oscar oscar I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good. [takes another bite] Oh yeah! Kevin kevin All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to. Jim jim It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person! Andy andy You need to stop banging your pen on your desk or it's going to drive me insane. Dwight dwight Okay, done. Jim jim [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit? Erin erin Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight... [overlapping chatter] Darryl darryl All right, here we go! Everybody get read in three, two, good luck, one- Jim jim [writing on board] Love letters, yes! I love it. What else can be done with paper? Andy andy You can write a book about chairs. Jim jim Books! Excellent, Jim. Andy andy Andy, please! Please, just stop. You can do infinite things with paper- Oscar oscar [gasps] Shh! Did you hear that? Infinity! There is an infinity of things that you can do with paper! Now, who wants to buy some paper? [scattered applause] Andy andy Very nice. Very nice sales pitch for our clients that don't know what paper is. Jim jim I'm talking about you guys! Who in this room, right now, wants to buy some paper? Let's get high on our own supply! Andy andy Andy, you want us to buy our own paper? Angela angela Yes! Andy andy Robert said that we needed to double our sales growth to eight percent by the end of the quarter. That's today. And we're eight hundred and thirty dollars short. And I can't afford to keep buying paper from us. So today, we need to sell eight hundred and thirty dollars of paper and the next quarter I need to sell the twenty-two hundred dollars of paper that's in my garage. Andy andy Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine. Dwight dwight Dwight Schrute for Robert California! Dwight dwight Oh, hello Mr. Schrute. I'll tell him you're here. Can I get you anything at all? Receptionist receptionist I'm not here to be given anything. I'm here to take what is mine. Dwight dwight Ooh. I'm glad you're on our team. Here, please have a seat. Receptionist receptionist Dwight? What are you doing here? Gabe gabe Gabe? You don't know? Dwight dwight Course I know. Gabe gabe Hmm. Impressive office you have here. Surrounded by shrubbery, like a squirrel's office. Dwight dwight Corporate says to me, "Gabe, we need you in Scranton." Scranton says, "Gabe, go back down to Florida. You're needed there." So, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm up there. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I'm down here. I can think of no better way to confront my deathly fear of flying. Gabe gabe Dwight. Robert robert Robert. Dwight dwight You made it. Robert robert Yes. Dwight dwight Impressive initiative. I don't know what's worse, the trip or the destination. [Gabe laughs] Well, uh, let me settle in and I'll be with you shortly. Robert robert Very good. Dwight dwight Hey C-span. So my dad says an accountant can really help you out, if they're willing to "play ball." Those were his words. Andy andy Gosh, Andy, you had a great quarter. Okay? Robert will understand. Eight hundred dollars is a rounding error! Oscar oscar So make that error! Andy andy Andy, no- Oscar oscar Hey! I can make that error. Kevin kevin [clicks tongue] Aw... Oscar oscar Well, it's just, I know that making errors sounds like your kind of thing, but it's a little more complicated than that. Andy andy No, I- Kevin kevin It's just, I really need a real accountant on this. [to Oscar] What do you say? Andy andy I'm leaving early today because tonight I have a trivia contest in Philadelphia. Oscar oscar Oh. Andy andy Any other crunch time, I would love to stay in, cook the books for you so you can save face in front of your CEO, but tonight is Triviocalypse! Oscar oscar What? Andy andy It's only the biggest night of trivia of the year. There's a thousand dollar prize. I'm committed to my friends, they're committed to me. Oscar oscar You know what? Go. Have fun. Andy andy There's a trivia contest at a bar in Philadelphia. Andy andy Stop right there. I love it. Jim jim I'm in. Darryl darryl I didn't even say what it is. Andy andy It's trivia. Darryl darryl In Philadelphia. Jim jim But here's the best part. The prize is a thousand dollars, and if we win, we can use that money to buy paper here, close the gap on our eight percent profit increase... Andy andy That's a great idea. Jim jim That's a great plan. Darryl darryl Yeah? You like it? Andy andy Yeah. Jim jim All right. Andy andy All right, good stuff. Jim jim I'm so psyched you guys are into it because I thought- I was like, "this sounds really stupid." Andy andy You just made a good idea, a great idea. Darryl darryl There is one problem with this plan. Andy andy What? Darryl darryl We'd have to leave work, like, right now, to do this. Andy andy [on the phone] You can reduce your prices by ten percent or we're going to be finding a new source for our morning bagels. All right. [hangs up] Gabe gabe Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy. Dwight dwight Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house? Gabe gabe Meat grinder. Dwight dwight [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential. Gabe gabe You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic. Dwight dwight Dwight. Today is not my day at all, I'm afraid. I'm not going to be able to meet with you, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of our COO. Robert robert But I can give you this pitch in one minute- Dwight dwight No, he's going to meet with you later. No, no, no. I don't want you to rush it, okay? Trust me. Meet with Bill. He's a great person to know. I'll dialogue with him tonight. [leaves] Robert robert CEO to COO. What a difference a letter makes. Gabe gabe Still an important position. Still a chief. Dwight dwight You're really going to like Bill. He, uh, he has me toilet a lot of people for him. [Dwight sighs, Gabe's phone rings] Hallway phone, Gabe Lewis speaking. Gabe gabe Gabe, listen to me. Don't bother Bill with this. He has to go put out a fire on the home front. Just wait twenty minutes and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch. Make him feel valued. Make him feel heard. Robert robert Your wish is my command. Gabe gabe It's a command. Robert robert I don't believe this. What are you doing here, Andy? Oscar oscar You left us no choice, but, this should put a smile on your face. How would you like to be captain of the Dunder-Mifflin team? Although I reserve the right to overrule you. Andy andy What? No! Oscar oscar I've got a quota to hit. I don't care how I hit it. Andy andy And you guys thought this was a good idea? Oscar oscar I thought it was a fun idea. Jim jim There were times on the two and a half hour drive when I experienced doubt. That's the thing about long drives, you know, you're always going to- this is a gay bar. Darryl darryl Wait, what? Everyone in here is gay? Andy andy Yes! It's a gay bar! So you guys want to go home now? Oscar oscar No. Nah. All all What does this say about you? That you followed me here? That you think you're going to win your sales quota? At a gay bar's trivia night? [laughs] Oscar oscar It says that I believe that my staff's intelligence and that I'm willing to try anything. [Oscar's friend walks up] Not anything. Andy andy Good luck. Oscar oscar Uh, all right. We need to divide up into teams, but it's winner-take-all so no need to divide evenly. We need an A-team, a backup team and a just-have-fun team. So you guys all know yourselves. Andy andy Good-timers follow me. Meredith meredith Backups. [Jim goes to join the backups] Phyllis phyllis Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here. Stanley stanley A-team. Andy andy Okay. Jim jim All right, everybody. Nice self-awareness. Except... [looks at Kevin, who has joined the A-team] Andy andy Okay. [leaves] Kevin kevin There's a table over here. Jim jim All right, first question everyone: Ray Charles famously had this state on his mind. What is its capital? Host host Oh, we got this! Andy andy Let's reverse engineer this. You're a black singer. Where do you go? Somewhere where you're a novelty. Alaska? Creed creed Atlanta. Stanley stanley Oh I know you think that, because that's where the Olympics were held. Phyllis phyllis My cousins were actually at those Olympics. Cathy cathy Keep talking all you want. Stanley stanley How am I supposed to know what was on his mind? Ooh, what do blind people think about? Kevin kevin Okay, dogs, canes, signs, manholes, stairs, piano, darkness. Erin erin Okay, time's up. Let's get the boards up. "Atlanta, Georgia" is the correct answer. [Kevin holds up "What is...SEE-attle"] Host host Hey man, uh, look. Unfortunately, Bill had to go fight a fire, so your appointment got- Gabe gabe [sniffs] There's no fires within eight miles of here. Dwight dwight Well, it's nine miles away. I'm going to be meeting with you on his behalf. Gabe gabe What? No, no. Excuse me! Lady! Get anyone from the COO's office on the phone this instant! Dwight dwight This must be very frustrating. Receptionist receptionist I can see you in the jungle now. Gabe gabe Okay, now, you're not an all-star of the NBA, but you did get your game on when you won the NBA's Sixth Man of the Year award in 2011. Who are you? Host host Jim, Darryl. Your time to shine. Andy andy Shawn Marion. Jim jim Yes, Shawn Marion. Darryl darryl That doesn't sound right. I want to say, LaDameon Washington. Ryan ryan Wrong, for so many reasons. Jim jim Well, I know Elizabeth Taylor's sixth man was Richard Burton. Is that helpful? Phyllis phyllis That's it. I'm going to go watch the boats on the river. Stanley stanley Ron Artest, Kelly. Kevin kevin No, it's Lamar Odom. If it'd been Ron Artest, it would have come up in Dancing with the Stars, when they pan over his trophy case when he's at home with his family. Lamar winning Sixth Man was a big storyline on Chloe and Lamar. Kelly kelly All right, boards up. Let's see who got it. "Lamar Odom" is what we were looking for. "Lamar Odom" Thank you. [scattered cheers] Host host Oh my God. Lamar Odom, yes. Jim jim Nicely done! Kevin kevin You're my sports guys! You're ESPN, you're ESPN Classic, Ryan is MSNBC. I'm E!, TLC and Oxygen. Andy andy Chill, man. This plan is airtight. Darryl darryl So it's a very simple argument of why I should be put in charge of southeast printer sales. Nobody has sold more printers in the northeast than me. Bottom line, I know the product. I get it! Dwight dwight Well, you got my vote. Receptionist receptionist Oh my God. Dwight dwight I know. Gabe gabe Most of all, I believe that character is destiny. And my character is one that- wait why are you smiling? Dwight dwight What? Gabe gabe What's with the smile? Dwight dwight You're doing great. You know, so good. Gabe gabe And my character is one that will never give up until greatness is on the horizon, behind us. Dwight dwight Dwight, that was a fantastic presentation. Put your hand on my hand. Flush! [Gabe makes a flushing motion, Dwight twists Gabe's arm] Ow! Gabe gabe Take me to Robert. Dwight dwight Ow! He went home. Gabe gabe Take me to his house. Dwight dwight Uh, it's a condo and it's long-term business housing. Gabe gabe You know where it is. Lead me there. Dwight dwight Ow! Ow! Stephanie, help! Gabe gabe Listen, you're a perfectly fine toilet. I'm just an extraordinary piece of crap. Let's go. Dwight dwight Excuse me, sir, on the Dunder-Mifflin A-team? Excuse me, sir? Host host Yeah? Ryan ryan I'm sure you're just checking your Grindr account... [laughter] but you can't check smart phones during trivia, it's against the rules. Host host Okay, I'm turning it off. Ryan ryan Okay, you're not turning it off. Host host I won't look at it. Ryan ryan Sir? Host host I can't- I can't not touch it. Ryan ryan Okay, then we're going to have to take it away. [employee takes the phone] Thank you. Host host Look, I can't, I can't not have my phone. I'm sorry. I want to be with my phone. [leaves] Ryan ryan All right, guys. After nine rounds, let's check the scores. In first place, with nine points, it's Aesop's Foibles. [Oscar's team touches fingers] The Queerenstein Bears have seven points. [a team of hairy men growl] Dunder-Mifflin A-Team has four points. Host host [claps] All right. Jim jim D.M. Backup Team has three points. The Einsteins have eight points. [the "just-for-fun" Dunder-Mifflin team cheers] Ladies Gaga have five points. [more cheering] Host host So the best chance of hitting our mark is now in the hands, and brains, of Kevin, Meredith, Erin and Kelly. Do I like these odds? My answer is no. Andy andy Which one is it? Dwight dwight I don't know. All I know is the building. Gabe gabe Robert! Robert California! Robert! Dwight dwight Dwight! How nice of Gabe to show you where I live. Come around. 102. Robert robert All right guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait. Except for the Einsteins. That's all right. Which means the top three teams are going to finish it off in the speed round. So let's get everyone some bells. In third place we have the Einsteins. Host host Oh yeah! Kevin kevin What! [cheers] Kelly kelly In second place, we have the Queerenstein Bears. Host host Whoo! Let's go! Queerenstein Bears queerenstein-bears And, in first place, is Aesop's Foibles. Host host Whoo! Oscar's Friend oscars-friend Yeah, we're going to get clobbered. Darryl darryl Ring it in when you know it. First question: This man had a fatwa declared on him when- [Erin rings bell] Einsteins? Host host What? Meredith meredith What is it? Erin erin What? Meredith meredith I did my part, babe. I'm just the bell girl. [Oscar rings bell] Erin erin Aesop's? Host host Salman Rushdie. Oscar oscar Salman Rushdie is correct. [applause] Heading out to sea, sailors. On a square-rigged ship, the sale set furthest forward is called what? [Erin rings bell] Host host Princess Ding-Dong, do not hit that bell unless- Meredith meredith Flying jib. Erin erin Flying jib is correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause] Host host Shalom. [sighs] Give us just a minute. Stu and I are just finishing up our lesson. Trust me. One nine-minute bout is a cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. [grunt] I could go to the gym three times a week or I can wrestle Stu once a month. [slaps the mat, they wrestle] Robert robert Grab my knee! Stu stu Yay Robert! Gabe gabe Guys, please help yourself to some drinks from the fridge. Robert robert According to a recent survey, this is the most common learning disability among American adolescents. Host host [rings bell] Boom! ADHD! Oscar's Friend oscars-friend No. [another bell rings] Host host Wrong. The answer is dyslexia! Meredith meredith That's correct for the Einsteins. [cheers and applause] Host host [dances] Whoo! Yeah! Andy andy Sir- Host host Go Einsteins! Andy andy Dial it back, this isn't Tail Feathers, okay? [laughter] Host host They haven't really improved on the Oreo, have they? Robert robert No thank you. Dwight dwight Sit down, Dwight. Robert robert Let me tell you why I should be the next manager with a riddle: A manager, a salesman, a leader and a warrior walk into a restaurant. The hostess says, "table for one?" How is this possible? Dwight dwight You were dining alone? All those people are you? Robert robert Yes, exactly. Riddle number two: Who is going- Dwight dwight Ah-ah-ah- your drive, your ambition. It would be wasted on a manager's job. And Florida, you don't want to live here. Even I don't want to live here. That's why I'm always at my place in Scranton. Florida is America's basement: It's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators. Alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight. You know that, right? Robert robert N... it's complicated. Dwight dwight [holds a medal to the light] This medal was my grandfather's. He received it for acts of courage. For excellence. It's a tribute one man gives another. I could give you a job, Dwight. Why not let me give you something even better? [holds out medal] Robert robert It's a job interview, not a flea market. Dwight dwight Dwight, the job is not right for you. Now, when something comes along that is right for you, I'll try you out. Now get the hell out of my place. Robert robert Yes. Dwight dwight Final round. Last two teams squaring off. I hope you're ready to play doctor. Our question is about health and the human body. Host host Oh, come on! Andy andy The standard American analog scale has a maximum capacity of what weight? [bell rings] Host host Three hundred pounds! Kevin kevin Point for the Einsteins. [applause] Here's your final question. Cinephiles, put on your memory berets: This 2001 masterpiece from Gilles Paquet-Brenner explores the intricate dynamics of a family in disarray. Host host [rings bell, answers in French] Le titre du film est Le Scaphandre et le Papillon. Oscar oscar Yes! Oscar's Friend oscars-friend I'm sorry, no. Over to the Einsteins. Host host [rings bell] Les Jolies Choses. Kevin kevin Are you sure? Meredith meredith Marie Cotillard exposes herself a number of times in that film. Kevin kevin The Einsteins win it! [applause] Host host No! Come on! Oscar oscar Look, I know it's easy to say tonight was just a fluke, and maybe it was, but here's a piece of trivia: a fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are, you just might catch one. Kevin kevin Welcome to the Stonewall Alliance Trivia Championships! First prize is forty-five hundred dollars! Stonewall Host stonewall-host Let's just do our thing, collect our hardware and get the hell home. Kevin kevin Riboflavin. Stonewall Host stonewall-host [holds up "Robitussin"] Riboflavin? Kevin kevin Michigan. [Kevin holds up "A Mitten"] The President of the United States is "P.O.T.U.S." [Kevin holds up "P.O.T.A.T.O."] John Steinbeck wrote The Grapes of Wrath. [Kevin holds up "The California Raisins"] Stonewall Host stonewall-host Cause it's like, really... Kelly kelly Einsteins! Great work. Andy andy Thank you. Kevin kevin You know what I thought would be fun? Is we do like uh, a switch-em-up maybe? Since only one of us needs to win, maybe I can get Kevin and Kelly and put together an all-star team? Andy andy Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Andy, there is no switching teams. Oscar oscar Andy, we're fine. We don't wanna switch. We're already like, the perfect unit. Kevin kevin Alright. Well just stay focused, try to concentrate. Andy andy Whoo! Brought some brain food. Meredith meredith Yeah! Erin erin Having fun. Kelly kelly One, two, three...[team takes shots] {Meredith} & {Kelly} meredith kelly When I dropped out of school to watch more sports, a lot of people thought that I was nuts. Well who's laughing now? Kevin kevin Say "Shalom" to your shrubs on this Jewish holiday that celebrates the new year for trees. Announcer announcer Tu Bishvat! Kelly kelly That's correct. Announcer announcer Whoo! Einsteins einsteins Point for the Einsteins. Announcer announcer Hey, is it true that you're not allowed to spend time with your girlfriend during the month of Tu Bishvat? Kelly kelly Uh, I don't think so. Announcer announcer I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Ryan lies to me and says he has a whole Jewish holiday for an entire month..... Kelly kelly It gets better, kids. It gets so much better that one day, your stupid coworkers will be excited to show up at your gay bar and ruin your trivia night. Oscar oscar Alright, if you're not going to help us out by buying our own paper, could you sell eight hundred dollars more paper than usual today? That would be amazing. Andy andy Andy, it's the last day of the quarter. We've already called all our clients, so making that much in a day is going to be tough. Jim jim Not helping, tuna. Andy andy Yeah, I'm sitting on twenty-five hundred in sales I can make at any time but those are my wait till the separation is legal sales. Stanley stanley We gotta figure this out. Think of the look on Robert's face when we tell him we met our 8% goal. Andy andy Oh, will we get to see that look? Kevin kevin No, that's why...that's why I said think of it. Andy andy Andy, we're gonna do our best. But you know what? At the end of the day seven point...whatever percent is pretty good. Jim jim Yeah. Group group Yeah, it is, Andy. Angela angela Have I mentioned that it's also quite good for amateur animation? [flips crude animation of stick figures representing him and Robert] Took me two weeks. Andy andy