[Singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [Normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I'm Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true. Andy andy Who's excited to get their holiday wishes? Andy andy Holiday wishes. Stanley stanley What's that, Stanley? Andy andy We know exactly what holiday you're referring to. Stanley stanley It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party. Andy andy I've been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don't want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas. Stanley stanley I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday. ...Might not have been the best idea. Jim jim I don't want no Kwanza wreath, I don't need a dreidel in my face, that's it's own thing. And who's that black Santa for?! I don't care! I know Santa ain't black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas! Stanley stanley What is the status on my wish? Meredith meredith Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink to much, which is by no means required. Andy andy What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood? Dwight dwight That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon. Andy andy Where? Dark side or light side? Dwight dwight Light side. Andy andy Is it by the Sea of Tranquility? Dwight dwight As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent....beachfront. Andy andy Thank you, Andy. Dwight dwight So, who's wish is next? Oh, what about Santa's wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica....C'mon guys, Jessica?...Jim, tell 'em who Jessica is. Andy andy She's not your grandmother, is she? Jim jim Ugh! Gam-gam's name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time? Andy andy Yeah. Jim jim Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that's not serious, by the way? Our repartee. Andy andy That's great. When you know you know. Hey, what's Ruth's deal, man? Creed creed Totally out of your league. So in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don't go near Gam-gam. Andy andy I love Jessica, and I haven't even met her yet. It's like we don't even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home. Erin erin I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be. Kelly kelly Oh no, no. It's fine, Kelly. Erin erin It's really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her. Kelly kelly That's OK, I don't want you to do that. Erin erin [laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati. Robert robert Eww, what is that? Kelly kelly The five day Hindu celebration in December honoring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts. Robert robert Cool. Kelly kelly Hey, man. Kevin kevin Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Oh! Robert robert How ya holdin' up...because of your wife leaving you? Kevin kevin Kevin? Oscar oscar I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla. Robert robert Yeah. Kevin kevin It's been ten days since I had sexual intercourse. Robert robert Well you came to the right place....Ah, this, this party'll cheer you right up. Andy andy I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas. It's rock-n-roll for people who don't like rock-n-roll. It's rap for people who don't like rap. It's pop for people who don't like pop.....ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume] Robert robert Oh, thank you. Andy andy Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off, and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words "HARD ASS"] But, this is serious. It's come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps. Andy andy Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye. Dwight dwight It wasn't me. Jim jim It wasn't either of you. Andy andy Kathy wants to leave our clump? Jim jim Sh sh sh sh! Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he. Andy andy I just wanna say, this is not my fault. OK? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defense. Occasionally preemptive self-defense. [punches Jim in the arm] Dwight dwight Ow, What are you doing? [Jim fights back] Jim jim Hey! Hey! Respect the hat! Andy andy Pam never seemed to have a problem with us. Jim jim Alright. I'm gonna speak in a language you both understand....Mo-nay. Andy andy What was that? Jim jim What is it? Dwight dwight Money....You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person. Andy andy Can't do that. Jim jim No, absolutely not. Dwight dwight You need consequences. OK? I want you both walking on eggshells. Andy andy Hi. I'm Jessica. I'm looking for Andy? Jessica jessica Jessica. Yes. We don't say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I'm Erin. Erin erin Oh! [laughs] Oof! Jessica jessica Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here. Erin erin Oh. Jessica jessica My ex is meeting my sex....which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis...that's just part of it. Andy andy Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you're not talking about my penis. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Hi. Andy andy Hi. Jessica jessica Hey everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross country coach at Bryn Mawr. Andy andy Wow. Erin erin Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist. Andy andy Oh, that's great. Backbone of the office. Jessica jessica Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess. Erin erin What? Andy andy Oh. Jessica jessica Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve] Erin erin Oh no. Andy andy Ah..[laughs] Jessica jessica Ut oh, it's kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis. Andy andy Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh] Jessica jessica Oh. Erin erin This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution. Darryl darryl Thank you. Val val Alright. Darryl darryl Alright. Val val Oh yeah, and um there's a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about. Darryl darryl Isn't that just for popsicles? Val val Popsicles? Darryl darryl Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt? Val val Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they're so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I... Nate nate Well you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus it's fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid. Darryl darryl You had me at "clookies." I can't wait to find out what they are. Nate nate What should I wear? Val val Oh, it's nice, it's real nice. People get dressed up. Darryl darryl I will look so handsome for you, Darryl. Nate nate Ah...[sees Dwight's wallet and open email] I'm gonna s- [see's Dwight watching from break room] Jim jim Dwight really wants my bonus. He's trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can't drink at this thing....I get really pranky when I drink. Jim jim Erin, what can I get for you? Robert robert Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it. Erin erin Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots! Robert robert Yes! Ryan ryan Yes! Oscar oscar Will do. Ryan ryan The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you're at a party and you're an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too. Robert robert One, two three! [group takes shots] Phyllis phyllis Yes. Kevin kevin OK. [takes shot, group laughs] Erin erin Mmm. Wow. Robert robert Whoo! Jiminy Christmas! Erin erin Jiminey Christmas indeed. Robert robert Hit 'er up. Erin erin Oh. Robert robert Oh yes. Kevin kevin Whoo! Ryan ryan Yeah! [laughs] Erin erin Wow. Oscar oscar [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card...you want the number? Oh it's uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. OK great. Thank you very much. Bye. Jim jim So Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two hundred dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife...from me. Jim jim [laughing] Boom! Dwight dwight But look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...[Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you're allowed to do... Ryan ryan Good cookie. Kevin kevin I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghost-buster. Darryl darryl OK. Val val I thought you'd wear a sweater. Darryl darryl Since when does a sweater mean "dressed up"? Am I your grandson? Val val Come on, stay, alright? It's good for people to get to know you. Darryl darryl As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe. Val val [imitating Stanley] I want.. my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap! Erin erin That's right. [laughs] Stanley stanley Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you. Erin erin She, she is remarkable. Robert robert Edgy impressions. Andy andy Thank you. Erin erin How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home. Andy andy A thousand. Erin erin Whoa! Maybe you should take a break. Andy andy [serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding! Erin erin Ah! I've been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer! Dwight dwight Oh my god. Toby toby Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature! Dwight dwight I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine? Jim jim Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up? Dwight dwight Hmm... Jim jim You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing. Toby toby Chad Flendermen. Just an easy going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh and he's also the world's leading Egyptologist. Toby toby Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective. Angela angela No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife. Toby toby Hello? Lacerated hand here folks. Dwight dwight Nice try, this is ridiculous. Jim jim Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA. Dwight dwight Three times. Jim jim You see? Dwight dwight Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it. Andy andy Andy, you've gotta be kidding me. Jim jim Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand... Toby toby Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand? Kelly kelly OK, you know what? Why don't we just call animal control... Jim jim Might wanna run that by Angela cause it's so cute. Dwight dwight No. Porcupines don't have souls. They're like dogs. Angela angela [on phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up. Jim jim Come down right away! Dwight dwight [on phone]Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled? Jim jim Yes, I was quilled. Dwight dwight And what's it's name? Jim jim Henrietta. Dwight dwight Oops. [hangs up] Jim jim What? ...Alright, get her out of here, Dwight. Andy andy [Dynamite by Taio Cruz plays in the background] None none Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I'm so happy you guys are together. OK? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair. Erin erin [laughs] Thank you. Jessica jessica I hope you guys get married....and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone. Erin erin OK! Andy andy And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica's faces together.] Ah! [laughs] OK, well I'm gonna go do another reverse spit. That's how the cool kids say "get a drink". [blows kisses and dances away] Erin erin That's uh, that's the girl you dated. Jessica jessica Um, yeah, she's not always like that. It's um... Andy andy No, she, she seems fine. Jessica jessica Yeah, uh, excuse me. Andy andy OK. Jessica jessica Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey! Andy andy Hey. Erin erin Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes? Andy andy Every martini has an olive. Erin erin OK...maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something. Andy andy I don't wanna put you out, but if someone's making oatmeal, I'll take a apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk. Kevin kevin Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish. Erin erin Ah, OK. Andy andy It's about you. Erin erin That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something. Andy andy [slurring slightly] It's that I wish Jessica was dead. Erin erin You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something. Andy andy I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth. Erin erin Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back. Andy andy Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves] Erin erin Hey. Kevin kevin Hey. Erin erin So, there was talk of oatmeal. Kevin kevin You know, don't listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess. Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Thanks. Val val I swear... Andy andy Did you not... Jessica jessica I was too embarrassed! [group laughs] Andy andy Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of Cici with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that? Jim jim Is that Cici? Phyllis phyllis Yes. It is. Jim jim Um. Andy andy That's awful. Phyllis phyllis Cici is Jim's daughter. Andy andy Oh my god. How could somebody do that? Jessica jessica I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, any one, pick one. Not my kid though. Jim jim Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this? Oscar oscar I don't- Jim jim I know who did this....Dwight. Andy andy Dwight? Phyllis phyllis Yeah. Jim jim Dwight. Andy andy No! Oscar oscar He should pay. Phyllis phyllis Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire-able. Andy andy O...K. Jim jim It's, I mean. Andy andy Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like... Jim jim That's no accident. Oscar oscar Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident. Jim jim What? Phyllis phyllis What? Oscar oscar I'll figure it out, get to the bottom of it....Merry merry. Jim jim [Christmas Time is Here by Vince Guaraldi Trio is playing in the background] None none Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!! Dwight dwight You alright, Santa? Jim jim You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends? Andy andy Yes. Jim jim Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends? Andy andy Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah. Jim jim No...I don't, hmm, I don't know. Andy andy OK. Jim jim By the way, I'm not gonna mess with you and Dwight's bonuses. I think it's causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work. Andy andy Alright. I will definitely do that. Jim jim Alright, I'll tell Dwight. Andy andy You know what? You're sitting, and thinking, and it's probably better if it comes from me anyway. Jim jim Christmas miracles do happen. Andy andy Yes. They totally do. Jim jim You can't click on these Kardashian links, that's why you have so many viruses. Ryan ryan Well help me, OK? Just, uh take... Kelly kelly I'm trying but you need to- Ryan ryan Hey. Erin erin Yo. Kelly kelly Game on. Erin erin On it. Kelly kelly [group laughing] I don't know what I was thinking, it was awful... Jessica jessica Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing] Kelly kelly And that, is how it's done. Kelly kelly I would like another alcohol. Erin erin Let's you and I take a walk. Oscar, you're in charge of the bar. Robert robert What? I haven't bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler..does anyone have any chocolate shavings? Oscar oscar Your heart is broken. So is mine. Robert robert And... Erin erin And what? Robert robert And you have any advice or anything? Erin erin No [laughs] my god. Robert robert ...Help me feel better... Erin erin I've been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I'm not sure I'm the best person to give love advice....I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better. Robert robert When you do your makeup, Nate nate Uh huh. Jessica jessica How long you, does it take usually? Cause... Nate nate Um, it ta-, um it depends. Jessica jessica .....Chad Flendermen's kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo] Toby toby Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here. Creed creed Hi. Darryl darryl I'll see you at home? Jessica jessica OK great. Andy andy OK Jessica jessica Perfect. Andy andy Bye [kiss]...I still don't get why you can't just call her a cab and pay for it. Jessica jessica I would, it just, that wasn't the holiday wish. Andy andy Oh Jessica jessica Either he drives or I drive. Now I'm drunk and mad. Meredith meredith OK [laughs] Bye. Jessica jessica OK, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright Meredith, Andy andy Thank you Santa. Meredith meredith You bet. Andy andy Thank god Erin's getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a stand up guy, you know? I mean he's going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer, Andy andy Let's go, let's go. Andy andy I know, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. Meredith meredith Hang on. Andy andy Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out] Meredith meredith What? Andy andy Whoa! My stuff! Meredith meredith What is all that? Andy andy It's my valuables! Meredith meredith It's junk! Andy andy This is my treasures, no they're my treasures! Meredith meredith You're a hoarder. My god! Andy andy No I'm not, I'm gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful. Meredith meredith Ah! My Santa suit's stuck. Andy andy [laughs while spray painting "Jim is Awesome" on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh? Dwight dwight Where are we? This ain't my street. Meredith meredith Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh. Andy andy Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh? Meredith meredith Oh my god. Andy andy Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighborhood? Meredith meredith Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now. Andy andy Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning. Robert robert Thank you, goodnight. Erin erin What are you smiling for? You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Meredith meredith I'm sure I am not. Let's get you home. Andy andy Ow! Take it easy. Meredith meredith Whoo. Andy andy [yawns, "Idiot" is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How's it goin? Dwight dwight Dwight. Oscar oscar Took a little nap right next to Jim's desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What's everyone staring at? Dwight dwight Oh man, I was supposed to tell Dwight something......C'mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin'. Jim jim Where can I get a drink? Oh... Robert robert Oh, uh. Well, we thought we wouldn't put the alcohol out till 11AM. It's just...common...decency. Andy andy Par for the course. Par for the...freaking course. I'll be in the party room having a cookie until 11. Haha! Yule-log. Robert robert Not destroyed. No..... Not destructive. Quite...off-kilter, sure. But... that's too vague. [long pause] Erratic. Darkly erratic. [laughs awkwardly] That's my mood. Robert robert Cake?...You seem a little down. Meredith meredith I am. [laughs] I'm a mess. Robert robert How about I fix you some warm milk with some bourbon? Meredith meredith Oh, that sounds nice. Robert robert Maybe watch a movie...under a blanket... Meredith meredith Lovely. Wait, where is this taking place? Robert robert The Murphy bed of my basement. Meredith meredith What...is happening to me? [pause] The lines in your haggard face are paths that lead nowhere. Your hair is the fire of hell. [hugs Meredith] I sincerely hope you find a sexual partner tonight. Robert robert It's come to my attention that someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps. Andy andy Cathy wants to leave our clump? Jim jim Don't look. Who it was is not important...but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he. Andy andy Hey. Enjoy your new clump. Dwight dwight Thanks. Kathy kathy It's so much closer to the bathroom, right? Dwight dwight Yeah. Kathy kathy Uh huh. Dwight dwight Sorry it didn't work out. Hope you find what you're looking for. Jim jim No, I just have more room. Kathy kathy That's ok. Jim jim You'll be fine over there. Dwight dwight [talking loudly] Sorry guys, Jim! This package came for you, do you want me to put it on your desk? Erin erin That'd be great, thank you. [Erin throws package, it hits Kathy. She thinks it was Jim who threw it] Jim jim So, I got this bucket from Jim's garage and I filled it with everything disgusting. Except excrement. I can't wait to see the look on his face when that falls on my face. [laughs, then camera shows bucket being dumped on Kathy] Dammit Kathy! Dwight dwight For the past month, I have been collecting wishes from everyone in the office, and I intend to make good on every single one of them. Andy andy Oh, I see. Andy andy Now look, I may not have a great laugh like Santa, or a flying sled. But tell you what I do have. A Prius, a heart of freaking gold.... Andy andy This. Kevin kevin Alright, you got it. Andy andy ...and an American Express green card. Andy andy Ryan, for your holiday wish, you wanted ten sick days. Andy andy I'd be satisfied with eight. Ryan ryan Well I'll do you one better. Andy andy Nine? Ryan ryan I got you health insurance. Andy andy Oh, neat. Ryan ryan Yeah! Right? But with great perks come great responsibility, so I'm gonna be expecting a lot more from you...no more zoning out in your office. Andy andy Oh, great. Ryan ryan Yes! Andy andy