So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are comin', and they're comin' fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright. I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at 5. Change number one: DeAngelo deangelo They are trying to figure me out. And I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care. DeAngelo deangelo Change two, Toby, you're gettin' a new chair. DeAngelo deangelo Thanks. Toby toby Don't thank me! Hey, don't thank me, guy! Okay? And I don't care if you like it. DeAngelo deangelo These sound like good ideas, why wouldn't we like them? Oscar oscar I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream. You either like it or you don't. [Andy nods] That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions? DeAngelo deangelo This all sounds great to me. [hesitates] But I could see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think. Kevin kevin That is a s- astute observation, Kevin. DeAngelo deangelo Kev's got me pegged. [chuckles] DeAngelo deangelo It blows away Vermont in the fall. DeAngelo deangelo Snap, for real? Darryl darryl Good morning, Deangelo. Pam pam Hold on. DeAngelo deangelo Okay. Pam pam [continuing to talk to Darryl] And if you're really serious, you should go in the spring. DeAngelo deangelo Because of the flowers. Pam pam No. Because the entire state smells like Earth. DeAngelo deangelo Dogwoods, or just the Earth. Pam pam Yes, Pam. DeAngelo deangelo Hey, well, good morning. I think I have good news for you today. I found your new executive assistant. My friend Carla. [looking at resume] She's got great experience. We even considered making her Cece's godmother, but she had this boyfriend at the time- but here's her resume. Pam pam Put it with the rest. DeAngelo deangelo Okay. Pam pam [entering his office] Hey dudes! DeAngelo deangelo Hey! Jim jim Hey! Andy andy Oh my God, he hates me! Pam pam No he doesn't. You just get so nervous and hyper around him. Jim jim I know. Pam pam Every time there's a silence, your brain's like "Heh-heh-huh-huh" [imitating crying]. Jim jim Is that what he tells you at your little inner circle meetings? Pam pam Careful. There is no inner circle. Jim jim Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah. Andy andy There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things, to a few guys. Jim jim Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! [thinks] Which doesn't exist. Kevin kevin [holding two cups of coffee] There he is! Got ya coffee. [offers cup to Dwight] DeAngelo deangelo Oh, wow, thank you. That was so kind of you. [throws cup in the garbage] Dwight dwight Not a coffee guy, I take it. DeAngelo deangelo It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun. Dwight dwight Listen. I've got a sixer. "Automatic for the People" on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown. Come on! Pick up some sausage if you want. DeAngelo deangelo I think you'll find what you're looking for [points toward Oscar] over there. Dwight dwight No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight. DeAngelo deangelo Who's the biggest client in the state? I say we go get 'em, whatever it takes. Huh? What do you guys say? DeAngelo deangelo Yes! Kevin kevin Right! Or my other idea, 50,000 tiny clients. DeAngelo deangelo Yeah, I say we just go for it! Kevin kevin [shoots mini basketball at hoop on office door, misses badly] Is that ball lighter than usual? Is that a Chinatown knockoff? DeAngelo deangelo That's Toys R Us, I think. Jim jim No, that's definitely a knockoff. You can feel the center of gravity's off. Feel that. [throws ball to Gabe] What do you think? DeAngelo deangelo [holding ball in open palm] Oh, yeah, totally. Jim, you got ripped off big time. Gabe gabe [calling for the ball] Deangelo! [shoots and makes it] See what I did there? That's what you need to do. [makes shooting gesture] It's that little English. The British are coming. DeAngelo deangelo Yes. Kevin kevin Deangelo's open! DeAngelo deangelo Hey Ry. Your department's killing it, baby. [puts arm around Ryan] DeAngelo deangelo Hey hey, my pleasure, my treasure. Ryan ryan Keep it up. DeAngelo deangelo The problem with having "It" or "the X-factor" or whatever it is you want to call it, is that it's impossible to put into words what you're bringing to the table. So to make things simpler for Deangelo, I just, without lying, strongly implied that I'm Kelly's supervisor. It's not even that much of a stretch. She pretty much does whatever I say. Ryan ryan What? Kelly kelly I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... Ryan ryan Why should I pretend that you are my boss? Kelly kelly Because what would you have done in that situation, Kelly? I'll tell you what I would have done for you. I'd lie for you. Ryan ryan Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Ryan, you just like to lie. Kelly kelly I'd die for you too. Ryan ryan You really would? Kelly kelly [hears Deangelo entering] Hey, Kelly Kapoor, if I don't have those call logs on my desk, we're just gonna have to evaluate your future at the company! Ryan ryan Sure thing, Mr. Howard. Kelly kelly Woo. Glad he's not my boss. DeAngelo deangelo [whispers to Kelly] You're the best. Thank you. Ryan ryan You know I have a cousin who cracked the secret formula for a certain popular cola that I shall not name. So I've never had to buy it. True story. I just drink my cousin's. DeAngelo deangelo Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy. Each one better than the last. Dwight dwight You know what... straight up, why don't you like me? DeAngelo deangelo I'm just not a suck-up like everyone else around here. Okay? I do my job well, so why don't you just leave me alone and let me do it. Okay? Dwight dwight Ohhhh no. DeAngelo deangelo What? Dwight dwight Okay? I'm gonna win you over. DeAngelo deangelo No you're not. Dwight dwight Yes I am. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Oh yes. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Yes. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Yes. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Yes. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Yes. DeAngelo deangelo No. Dwight dwight Yes. Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes [starts to run out of the break room] yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes! DeAngelo deangelo [looking at resume] Uh oh, this former administrative assistant misspelled "administrative" and "assistant." Jim jim The winner: Darryl darryl Sorry gang. Thought my juggling stuff was in the trunk of my car. It's not. DeAngelo deangelo Oh no, do you think it was stolen? Pam pam I gotcha covered, boss. Used to play with the parabolas myself. [opens desk drawer and takes out balls] Got some extra balls! [throws them toward Deangelo, who dodges them] Hey-hey-hey-ho! Andy andy Sorry, I never touch another juggler's instruments. You know, we're all here, I've got the music cued, why don't I just do my routine without the juggling balls? [starts to play "Wake Me Up Inside" by Evanescence] Prepare... to go into the danger zone. [begins pretend juggling routine] DeAngelo deangelo Oh wow, you weren't kidding. Pam pam No. Never. Can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare! [Kevin pretends to throw ball] Incoming! And we're on! Remember, nothing's impossible! Phyllis, where's Phyllis? DeAngelo deangelo [raises hand] Here. Phyllis phyllis Do you believe in me, Phyllis? DeAngelo deangelo Yeah. Phyllis phyllis Because I believe in you. DeAngelo deangelo Okay. Phyllis phyllis [pretending to bounce balls off Phyllis at close range] Feel that connection? Don't move your head. Please. Thank you. Oh! Big hand for Phyllis! [clapping] That took a lot of guts! [finishes routine] Ho! I'm Deangelo Vickers, thank you so much, hope you learned something. DeAngelo deangelo Didn't drop a single ball! Kevin kevin [imitating Deangelo's pretend juggling routine] Look. I'm juggling eggs and bowling balls. I'm juggling with one hand. No hands. Pam pam What could he possibly stand to gain from a fake juggling routine? Jim jim What could he possibly stand to gain from a real juggling routine? How can you keep defending him? Pam pam He's good at his job. And I like working for him. Jim jim Of course you do, Jim. You're a man. Deangelo is a huge sexist. Angela angela Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think if he was sexist, I'd be able to tell. I took a crapload of women's studies courses at Cornell. And I wrote my own companion piece to the "Vagina Monologues" called the "Penis Apologies." So I know a thing or two. Andy andy Okay. Then how about I'm the head of the Accounting Department, but he only ever talks to Kevin? What about Pam and Kelly? Also department heads. But has he ever met with you or even asked you to do anything? Angela angela How could I not see it? You're so right. Andy andy [to Jim] Why don't you talk to him about it? Pam pam And say what? "Hey Deangelo, are you shy or just a sexist?" Jim jim Why don't you just tell him how his actions are being perceived by the women in this office? Pam pam Mmm-hmm. Jim jim And if he doesn't listen, then he can kiss his penis goodbye. Snip snip. Am I right, girls? Andy andy Hey, you got a second? Jim jim Yeah, I got tons of time. This job's a joke. DeAngelo deangelo So what's up? DeAngelo deangelo Umm, really, it's nothing, I was just talking to Angela, and she was -- Jim jim [opening door to Deangelo's office] Hey, saw Jim come in. We meeting? Darryl darryl Yeah sure. Let's make it a meeting. [Darryl, Kevin, Gabe enter office] DeAngelo deangelo If it's alright, can I just have like one minute alone, just to go over -- Jim jim What's the big secret? Why are you even whispering? Come on, it's the guys! DeAngelo deangelo I know. [Gabe and Darryl stand on either side of Jim with paper and pens in hand] Just the guys. Well, maybe that's, uh, part of the problem. I think...so what happened was, I was talking with some of the department heads. Uh, some of the female department heads. Jim jim Uh-oh. Right? DeAngelo deangelo Hot! Kevin kevin Maybe there's a vibe out there, with certain members of the office, that you are...a little sexist, or -- Jim jim Damn! Darryl darryl Whoa. Whoa. Wait. Jim jim Are you serious? Who feels this way? DeAngelo deangelo Oh. Like nobody. Jim jim Umm, Pam? Gabe gabe It was -- Jim jim Was it Pam? Gabe gabe That sounds like Pam. You know how she gets. Deangelo, she can get really bitchy. [begins bad imitation of Pam] Kevin... Kevin kevin Guys. Hold on. Doesn't matter who, okay? I'm just happy that Jim brought it to my attention because honestly, I had - I had no idea. DeAngelo deangelo That's awesome. Jim jim Thank you. DeAngelo deangelo [on phone] Mom, Ryan's taking us out to dinner tonight. No, no, he's not going to stand us up like he did last time. He won't ever stand us up again. Kelly kelly [joint talking head with Kelly] So I am the new customer service supervisor. Ryan ryan When Deangelo's around. Kelly kelly And I am also a very dutiful boyfriend when -- Ryan ryan All the time. Kelly kelly All the time. Ryan ryan Erin, do you mind running down to the lobby and bringing up my brand new executive assistant? DeAngelo deangelo Absolutely. Erin erin Hey, who'd you end up hiring? Jim jim Oh, I'm glad you asked, Jim. Because apparently there's a rumor running around here that I am a sexist. I can't work here effectively if you guys think I'm something that I am not. I am not a sexist. Raise your hand if you have a vagina. [Deangelo raises hand, Kelly and Pam sheepishly raise hands] Raise your hand if someone you love has a vagina. [Deangelo raises other hand, along with rest of office] Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just about everyone. What about Deangelo's hand? Oh wow. He's got 'em both up. [Ryan raises both hands] Yeah. Uh huh. [others raise both hands] Yeah, so it bothers me when I hear that there's gossip around here that I treat women lesser than men. Okay? Frankly, we all look a little ridiculous when that happens. DeAngelo deangelo I'm not a feminist, but I think that the men in this office are being given chances that the women aren't. Phyllis phyllis Dwight, what's your take? DeAngelo deangelo What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all. Dwight dwight Man, you're smart. [Erin arrives with new executive assistant] Oh, hey! Hi! Hello. Welcome. Uh, everyone, I'd like you to please welcome Jordan Garfield. This is everyone. DeAngelo deangelo Hello. Jordan jordan So, Jordan, uh, where did you work before? Uh, a law office? Pam pam No, Anthropology. We don't have this in that size, pretty lame. Jordan jordan Lame? You worked at Anthropology? Kelly kelly Yeah. Jordan jordan That's like my dream job. How did you even get that job? Kelly kelly Well, I umm - Jordan jordan You chose this job over that job? Kelly kelly Okay, okay, back to work, Kelly, we have a lot to get done today. Ryan ryan So, umm, is this your first office job then? Pam pam Yeah. Jordan jordan Yup. DeAngelo deangelo Wow. Pam pam No corporate experience whatsoever. I didn't want anyone with any bad habits. DeAngelo deangelo [heading into Deangelo's office] Jim, you coming? Kevin kevin Oh yeah, did he text us? Jim jim Yeah. [Jim looks at cell phone as Dwight's phone vibrates] Kevin kevin [holds up phone and looks into Deangelo's office] No! Dwight dwight Jim, what are you doing? Get in there. This is not the time to take a stand. At least he likes one of us. Pam pam He didn't text me. [Andy's phone chimes] Jim jim Yes! I'm in. Andy andy Andy, what are you doing? Angela angela I'm going in, into the belly of the beast. Gonna infiltrate and change from within. [joins the group in Deangelo's office] What's up, mancave! [makes barking noises] Andy andy [to Jim] Just go in. Just go in, he probably forgot to text you. Pam pam Internally, for office use [Jim quietly enters Deangelo's office and sits down] where do we get our paper from? Do we go - DeAngelo deangelo [to Jordan] Don't worry, the first day's always the hardest. Jim jim [staring at Jim] Hey Jim. DeAngelo deangelo Yeah. Jim jim Can I help you? DeAngelo deangelo Nope. Just... [Deangelo continues staring at him] Okay. [gets up and leaves office] Jim jim So, he kicked you out of the inner circle, huh? Dwight dwight Well, there is no inner...circle. Jim jim Dwight? Deangelo wanted me to ask you if there's anything I can help you with. Jordan jordan Really? Anything. Dwight dwight Do you need anything? Jordan jordan Deangelo, tell your whore to leave me alone. Dwight dwight Okay, I do not want to waste your time, so I will keep this br-r-r-r-r-r-ief. Now, word on the street is, Mercy Hospital, back on the market. Deangelo would like you to put together a sales pitch for next week. Deangelo has also recently learned about the Barnacle Project. Which is a non-profit organization based in Mystic, Connecticut that assists in the scraping of barnacles -- Andy andy So this is my life. Until I win the lottery [laughs]. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books. Jim jim So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer. Pam pam Hey! Kelly, that's the last time I'm gonna talk to you about your paycheck! Okay? We pay you a fair salary here, and if you're only here for the money, maybe you shouldn't be here at all. Ryan ryan No one likes a money grubber. DeAngelo deangelo I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, I apologize for grubbing for money. I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. Deangelo, Ryan is not my boss. Okay? Frankly, he hasn't had a real job here in years. Kelly kelly Ohh. DeAngelo deangelo Oh, that's hilarious, Kelly. Ryan ryan No, he's just a big fraud, Deangelo. He's like Rango. He doesn't work here, basically. Just like the way Rango didn't save those animals. It was just a big misunderstanding. Kelly kelly Is this true, Ryan? DeAngelo deangelo I did not see Rango. Ryan ryan Okay, I don't have time for this he said-she said. DeAngelo deangelo He's not saying anything! Kelly kelly It's too murky. I like Ryan. You seem kind of hysterical to me. Ryan's your supervisor. Let's just leave it that way. DeAngelo deangelo That's not fair, I mean, I've been working here for such a long ti- [Deangelo walks away] Kelly kelly [sighs] Oh, close call! Okay, why don't you just finish this up and leave it on my desk and I will see you at your place around 2 am. Ryan ryan [knocking on door to Deangelo's office as loud yelling comes from inside it] Hey! It sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun, but it's really loud, and some of us are trying to work, so do you think you could do it a little more quietly? Pam pam Well, that's gonna be tough, because we're getting a dunking clinic from Magic Jordan himself. Gabe gabe [chuckles] Oh, you mean Michael Jordan? DeAngelo deangelo [laughs] Total brain burp. Gabe gabe I'm no MJ. I can do his dunk. From the free throw line. DeAngelo deangelo Whoa. Kevin kevin Daaamn! Mad respect for my brotha! Darryl darryl The man is paying me to take Chinese. I will say what I need to say, and soon, I will say it in Chinese. Darryl darryl Okay, well it's just really loud. Pam pam Okay. We'll keep that in mind. Alright, ladies, back to the game. DeAngelo deangelo Do it! Darryl darryl Jim! Come on in. DeAngelo deangelo You're back in. Pam pam You know what? Instead of a game, why don't we do an exhibition? I'd love to see that dunk of yours. Jim jim Yeah, we'll set that up one day. DeAngelo deangelo Today. Now, maybe. 'Cause we have a hoop downstairs and a real ball, so you don't have to mime it. Jim jim Yeah, I don't know. DeAngelo deangelo Why not? Jim jim Only because no one has called NASA to request a liftoff. [laughter] Let's go downstairs! Okay? Let's do it. DeAngelo deangelo Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop. Dwight dwight Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper! [Dwight immediately gets up and walks out] DeAngelo deangelo Okay, a little about me. I respond to strong leadership. Dwight dwight Alright, there you go. Jim jim Seems a little close, you sure that's the real foul line? DeAngelo deangelo 15 feet from the baseline, so, you need me to move it in? Jim jim Nah, that's 15. Yeah. DeAngelo deangelo Okay. Jim jim And uh, you know what, to make it interesting, Jordan, why don't you sit underneath the basket? DeAngelo deangelo Seriously? Jordan jordan Yeah, come on. I'll dunk over you. Best seat in the house. DeAngelo deangelo I don't, I don't think I can do that. I'm holding your jewelry. Jordan jordan Right. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Kevin, you do it. DeAngelo deangelo Yes! Okay. [sits down in front of basket] Kevin kevin Someone want to sit in Kevin's lap? Angela? DeAngelo deangelo No. Angela angela Oscar? DeAngelo deangelo No thank you. Oscar oscar Okay, Jimmy, this is for you. Show you that anything is possible. DeAngelo deangelo Fantastic. Jim jim Alright? DeAngelo deangelo Yup. Jim jim This is also for the troops. [backs up, bounces ball, starts running, jumps, lands in front of Kevin, jumps again, pulls himself up by the net, dunks ball, hangs on rim] Doctor is in! [hoop starts to fall] Ahhhh! [hoop crashes down on Deangelo] DeAngelo deangelo [ambulance pulls away in parking lot] Now what? Jim jim [Deangelo enters office in hospital gown with bandage on his head] Deangelo? Erin erin [speaking gibberish] Tablab. DeAngelo deangelo Oh my God, are you alright? Erin, will you call 911 please? Jim jim Who should I say is calling? Erin erin Erin. Jim jim [lots of gibberish] says to bartender [lots more gibberish] Droswip. Droswip. DeAngelo deangelo Droswip, yeah. I get it. Okay, we're gonna get you to the restroom. Gabe gabe