Everybody, can I please have your attention? Ryan and I have a huge announcement. Kelly kelly Oh my gosh! Erin erin Wow. Phyllis phyllis Over the weekend, Ryan Bailey Howard and I got divorced. [throws ring on the ground] Kelly kelly Sweet! Free Ring! Meredith meredith Divorced? Andy andy Just so you know, it's totally amicable. We're fine. We don't need people here to take sides. Ryan ryan The last thing that we want is any kind of drama. Kelly kelly Wait. Can you back up? What's the story? Pam pam We were having a beautiful weekend in the Poconos. We were making love, constantly. We saw the sunrise. Ryan was crying a lot. Kelly kelly It's not irrelevant. Details Ryan ryan And in the morning we walked by a chapel and we stopped, suddenly, and Ryan said... Kelly kelly I don't think I should be married to you anymore. {Ryan} and {Kelly} ryan kelly What? Kevin kevin Sorry, when did you get married? Andy andy Ummm, like a week ago, we got really wasted and it just felt right. Kelly kelly And you didn't invite any of us? Andy andy We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time. Ryan ryan God baby, you know, people's reactions to this... maybe we made a mistake. Kelly kelly No, with the messed up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married. Ryan ryan You know what Ryan, I talked to the other gay guys, and we're ok with it. We agree it's fine if you got married. Oscar oscar No Oscar, Not, not until everyone can! Ryan ryan Ryan, I changed my mind. Kelly kelly Ok fine, you know what, this actually isn't amicable at all and we actually do need people to take sides. Who is on my side? Ryan ryan And who is on my side? [no one raises their hand] Kelly kelly All right. Bye. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam Let's Go! Jim jim Just a minute. How long do we have to wait? Michael michael For what? Holly holly You broke up with AJ weeks ago. Michael michael Don't you have a sales call to go on? Holly holly I don't understand. I really don't. I mean, we know we are going to start dating. Why not now? Michael michael We don't know that. Holly holly Sure we do. Michael michael Why is it such a certainty that we are supposed to be together? Holly holly Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. Michael michael Michael, I can't keep getting into a situation where I date whoever I'm working with. Well, you can understand that. Holly holly Yeah, I understand. I just don't agree. Michael michael Well you don't have to agree. Holly holly Yes I do. Michael michael No you don't. Holly holly Yes I do. Michael michael No, you can have your own opinion. Holly holly I have my own opinion and my opinion is to disagree with you. Michael michael He's going to be a lot of fun to drive around in a car with. Jim jim Aw you'll get through it hon. Just make a game out of it. A funny "Jim" game. Pam pam That's it? That's all I get? Even after all the hard work I put into celebrating your talent today? Jim jim All right, what'd you do? Pam pam Well, those things that you consider doodles, I consider art. Jim jim Where'd you put it? Pam pam Where'd I put what? Jim jim Let's go. Michael michael Oh, sorry gotta go. Jim jim Say it. Where? Pam pam Ok fine, three hints. One! When you are getting colder, you're really getting warmer. Jim jim The fridge. Pam pam Two! You have a better chance, if you think Bob Vance. Jim jim The fridge, got it. Pam pam And the final clue... Jim jim Let's go! Michael michael You know what, just think about it, you'll be fine. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special. And she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts. Erin erin Cheer up. We made a sale. Jim jim Just drive faster. I want to get back. Michael michael Well, I'm going the speed limit. So... Jim jim Okay, fine. My feelings don't matter to you. What matters to you is your precious speed limit. Michael michael Someone's in a bad mood. Jim jim No I'm not. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not, Jim. Hello? Ok fine, ignore me. Have it your way. Let's just talk about you, as always. Is sex different after the baby, Jim? Michael michael Alright, let me turn on some music. Jim jim I need to pee. Michael michael No you don't. Jim jim Yeah, I do. My word against yours. Michael michael Alright. Well we'll be there in ten minutes. Jim jim What part of "I need to pee" do you not understand? I'm upset. My bladder is full. There is no telling what I might do right now all over the inside of your precious little car. Michael michael Alright, Well if I see a gas station, I'll pull over. Jim jim Well I hope I make it. Michael michael Hello? Jim jim Hi Jim, it's Helen. Helene helene Hey Helen. Is everything ok? Jim jim Everything is fine. Baby's fine. She has a tiny fever. I'm taking her for a check up. Nothing to worry about. Helene helene Ok... Jim jim A tiny thing. I locked her in the car. Helene helene What? Jim jim She's smiling. She's happy. Helene helene Oh my God. Jim jim Jim, I don't have a spare key. Helene helene Just stay there. I'll be there in one second. Michael! Michael! Excuse me, sir there is a guy in the bathroom. He's coming out but I have to go because it's an emergency. Will you just tell him call the office. Just call the office! Thank you. Please? Jim jim [towards bathroom] Hello? [gives up and drives off] Guy guy This is Pam. Pam pam Hey it's me. So uh, don't worry. Everything's ok. Jim jim What's wrong? Pam pam Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You're not holding a cup of coffee or anything are you? Jim jim Jim, what? Pam pam Uh, so, Cece had a little bit of a fever. And your mom also locked her in the car. Jim jim Oh God! What?! Pam pam No no no it's ok. So, Cece is with daddy now. She's laughing and she's happy. And we are on our way to see Dr. Barbra. Jim jim Ok. She's ok? Pam pam Yes, and your mom got a very well deserved day off. So here's the thing though. I left Michael at the gas station on Benet. Jim jim Understood. Pam pam And his wallet and phone are on the seat next to me. Jim jim Got it. I will put out a A.P.B. Otherwise known as a "Ask Pam Beasley". ... Did the phone cut off? Pam pam Nope. Jim jim Alright, just call me after the doctor. Pam pam Ok. Bye. Jim jim Bye. Pam pam I know, I know you have a phone policy. I understand. But this is an emergency because my friend isn't here and I am worried that he has been abducted. Michael michael No, he ditched you man. I saw him drive away. Attendant attendant There is no way he ditched me. There is no way that happened. He's my... Ok. May I please just use your phone? Please! Michael michael Just make it quick. Attendant attendant Ok. I will make it quick. I will make it very quick. [opens phone] And you don't have my numbers on speed dial. Ah, Ok. What is it? Michael michael You don't know it. Attendant attendant You know what, I can dial 411, get Jim's number. Michael michael He left you here on purpose. All right? I saw it. He just drove away. Attendant attendant Actually this is good. I am going to take this opportunity to go walk-about. Good. Good. [to cameras] Nope, get away. No, that's enough. Ok. Michael michael It's the gas station on Benet Street? Holly holly Yeah. Pam pam Ok. Holly holly You know what? Why don't you stay and I'll go? Erin erin Oh no no no. I'll be fine. Holly holly It's kind of a sketchy neighborhood though. I better come along. Erin erin Problem solved everyone. Space Orphan and Princess Nincompoop are off to rescue Michael. Unbelievable. I'm going. You drive, I got a car full of fox meat. Dwight dwight Cute. [enters office area] Very funny, everyone. Who wrote captions under my doodle? I'm not even kidding. They're pretty good. Pam pam Which on in particular? Oscar oscar Yeah, which one? Andy andy Well the first one has a surprise factor. "I'm a suck suck-suckidy Sabre!" Pam pam Boo-yea! [office laughs] Andy andy No no. No no no. Gabe gabe But, ah, I suppose the second one is the better written line. Pam pam You suppose? Oscar oscar What's it say? Darryl darryl "I'm suppose to be wearing red gloves but my color cartridge portal, got jammed again." Oscar oscar Ok. [office laughs] No no no. Gabe gabe Red gloves. Kevin kevin Keep it real. Darryl darryl You guys, if I knew you wanted to do a caption contest, I would have drawn something more challenging. Pam pam And I will take you all down. Darryl darryl You? Andy andy I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was three years old. Not once I have used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason: Darryl darryl Male. Caucasian. Forties. Black hair. Facial type: Dwight dwight [at puppies] Hey you guys. Listen to me. Don't get hung up on just one girl because there are a whole lot of other girls out there. Look over there. See? They look cute. [at parrots] Hello! You guys are so beautiful. You're so colorful. I wish I could understand you. That's a metaphor I guess. [at snake] You are disgusting. You'll never find love. Yekkk. [holding puppy] Do you think she needs more time or is it never going to happen? [licks his nose] I'm being serious. Seriously. Michael michael [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Pam pam Has Michael checked in? Dwight dwight Oh, hey Dwight. Pam pam I asked you a question. Dwight dwight No, he hasn't. Pam pam Goodbye. Dwight dwight No, wait. Hey, while you are out, could pick up some paper towels and chocolate syrup? We have ice cream so I thought... Pam pam Pam, this isn't a shopping trip. Dwight dwight No. Erin erin This is a man-hunt slash rescue mission. Dwight dwight Ok. I, just, when you are done or any time it's convent, I just thought since you are out... Pam pam Pam, I'm obviously going to get that stuff for you so just shut up. Dwight dwight Ok, well it wasn't obvious so... [phone hangs up] Pam pam No word from Michael. Dwight dwight Oh. Holly holly Ta-da! Pam pam Ok, it's two giant dogs with two giant palm trees on a regular size island. Kevin kevin Ok. I got one. Oscar oscar Yeah? Pam pam Yes! Oscar oscar Ok, I'm sorry but I am going to have to shut this down. Gabe gabe Boo! Everyone everyone Why? Meredith meredith Unless we can all agree to some ground rules. It's either that or I can fax this to Joe and let her decide how to proceed. Gabe gabe Gabe, tell us your stupid rules so we can start the game. Darryl darryl Number one, and this should be obvious, no captions that insult the company we work for. Gabe gabe Irony is such a critical... Oscar oscar Number two: Gabe gabe Sticky Quips are fun. They are safe. They are handy. I like to use Sticky Quips as regular Post-It notes when I am in a fun mood. [laughs] Not every day. Gabe gabe Go get 'em. Start quipin'. Gabe gabe Pam, I think I'm going to send you an IM. Oscar oscar Oh! Ok. Pam pam Send me one too. Darryl darryl Yeah, yeah. Put me on that. Andy andy C.C Phyllis phyllis Ditto. Kevin kevin Hello. I would like a hot dog please. Now, I don't have any money so here is what I would like to do. I leave you here with my watch, and I come back later to pay for the hot dog. Michael michael I'm not a pawn shop. Hot Dog Guy hot-dog-guy Well I understand that but this is a $45 watch. Michael michael Wow. Hot Dog Guy hot-dog-guy With that I can buy... half the menu. Michael michael I can't just go giving away hot dogs. Hot Dog Guy hot-dog-guy All right. What do you do with the hog dogs that you don't sell? Michael michael Throw 'em away. Hot Dog Guy hot-dog-guy Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth? Michael michael No. Hot Dog Guy hot-dog-guy Okay. You've just lost my business. Michael michael Hey. Dwight dwight Hey, you were in there forever. Erin erin There's too many brands. Where's Holly? Dwight dwight She wandered off like an idiot. Erin erin Hey! Dwight dwight Hey. Holly holly What are you doing? Dwight dwight Oh, just changing my cell phone plan. Okay. Okay. Here you go. I'll take my free stress ball too now. Holly holly Sure thing. Here you go, Miss... Okay, Fanny Smellmore. Real original. Cell Phone Sales Person cell-phone-sales-person What? Holly holly You know what? Say hi to Orville Tootenbacher for me. Cell Phone Sales Person cell-phone-sales-person Tootenbacher. Dwight dwight Orville Tootenbacher. That's Michael's millionaire character that... Erin erin farts popcorn. {Dwight} and {Erin} dwight erin Of course. He was here. She's the key. Amazing. Holly. Hey, where you would you like to go next? Holly? Dwight dwight Are their egg rolls really that big? Holly holly Oh, boy. That was yummy. Thank you so much. You know what? I think I left my wallet in my car. Do you mind if I run out and get it? Michael michael No problem. Waiter waiter Okay. I'll be right back. [goes to leave but walks back]. Okay. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't have my wallet and I was gonna try to dine and dash and that was stupid and I realize I can't do that to you fine people. Michael michael So you can't pay for your food? Waiter waiter Well I can, but I will have to come back later tonight and pay you. But the point is I did the right thing. Michael michael You did not. You have no money. And you dined so much. Waiter waiter Well the number three is not such a giant feast. Michael michael [calling to the back] Mr. Chu! Waiter waiter Okay, all right. You know what? Michael michael You were trying to steal food from us? Waiter waiter I am not. I just have had a bad day. And I... okay. I'll be back later with the money. I'm just gonna leave right now. Michael michael You can't. We'll stop you. Waiter waiter Well, I think I can get through the door. Michael michael Excuse me Do you speak English? We are looking for a man. Michael, this tall, black hair, Caucasian... Dwight dwight [point to picture] It's Michael! Erin erin He just left. Waiter waiter You knew. Erin erin What? No. Dwight asked if I wanted an egg roll. What... what are you implying? Holly holly Uncanny. Put a pin in that. [to waiter] Which way did he go? That guy! When he leave here, which way did he go? We looking for him. [pointing] This way, this way, this way? I don't know. Do you know? Dwight dwight I think he was heading downtown. Waiter waiter He's heading downtown. Dwight dwight So what, no one's even gonna try? Gabe gabe Guess not. Pam pam Oh, come on. My rules could not possibly have been that oppressive. Gabe gabe You crushed our spirits, Gabe. Congrats. You're a big man, huh? Take a lot to destroy the creativity of a whole group of people. [notification tone] [laughter] Darryl darryl Hey... Gabe gabe [whispers] Click the "x" Stanley stanley [whispers] I'm clicking! Phyllis phyllis In the box. Stanley stanley I am clicking. Phyllis phyllis Woman, you've had a computer for years! Stanley stanley Phyllis! Andy andy Too late! Oh. Ha. An IM chat. Very clever. I'll just print that out. Come on guys. Grow up. I don't want to be your babysitter. Gabe gabe Oooohhh. Andy andy "Darn it Bob. I told you not to buy a Sabre brand lifeboat." [laughter] Gabe gabe Nice! Kevin kevin No, not nice. Terrible. Doesn't even include the fact that they're dogs. Gabe gabe Do the next one. Andy andy "Wake up, Fred. The power cord on your Sabre printer shocked you into a coma, and you're dreaming you're a dog on a desert island.' Gabe gabe Dreaming he's a dog on a island. Darryl darryl Uh, excuse me, excuse me. How does the speaker know what the guy in the coma is dreaming? Gabe gabe Well, if you think it's so easy, Gabe, why don't you try it? Phyllis phyllis Umm... "You don't have to sniff my rear end anymore, Bob, I'm the only one here." Ha. Gabe gabe That's tasteless, Gabe. Oscar oscar Tasteless? Gabe gabe Tasteless. Oscar oscar More tasteless than this..."is that a palm tree or did Gabe get skinnier? Either way, let's pee on it." [laughter] Gabe gabe Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Pam pam Yes. Phyllis phyllis Yes, well done! Kevin kevin Who's is it? Who wrote that? Oscar oscar Yeah, who wrote it? Phyllis phyllis Please. It was easy once I decided I wanted the dog to piss on Gabe. Angela angela Where did he go, Holly? Erin erin I have no idea. Holly holly Do you see a little clown that you want to follow, huh? Is there a little bird that's chirping to you, "this way, this way"? Dwight dwight I don't know. Holly holly Okay, close your eyes, we need you to think. What is Michael seeing right now? Can you tell him that we miss him? Michael we're coming for you! Dwight dwight Will you stop! There has been a few coincidences, that's all. Holly holly All right then. Someone propose a plan. Dwight dwight Okay. We fan out... Erin erin Not you, Erin. Dwight dwight Stop looking at me like that. Okay, let's just go up somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below. Holly holly That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No. Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next. Dwight dwight Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him. Holly holly Good. We don't need her. Erin erin Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination. Maybe he's bowling. Dwight dwight [walks to the roof of a building and spots Michael] Michael? Holly holly Hi. [laughs] How did you know I was up here? Michael michael What are you doing up here? Holly holly I got turned around. I thought I could see Dunder Mifflin. Michael michael Dunder Mifflin. Holly holly Yeah. [laughs] Wow. I just miss you so much. Michael michael I missed you too. Holly holly Really? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Can I kiss you? Michael michael Yeah. Holly holly Okay. Michael michael Maybe that's not the best one. Keep reading. Phyllis phyllis Uh, it was. Gabe gabe Maybe it wasn't. Meredith meredith "Oh, thank God. I had a horrible nightmare that I was stuck in America with Gabe." Gabe gabe Oh! [laughter] Andy andy No, that's not the one I was thinking of. Keep going. Phyllis phyllis "I know what it smells like but I didn't roll in anything. It's from listening to all of Gabe's bull[bleep]. [laughter] "Isn't this the perfect romantic getaway, Erin? Sitting on a deserted island wearing dog costumes? I'm Gabe and I'm a weirdo." Gabe gabe [laughs] Andy andy "Gabe's mom... hmm... Gabe's mom? Wait. Tall woman? Looks like Gabe? Yeah, I banged her." Gabe gabe Yeah, there you go. [laughter] Phyllis phyllis