Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd'] Erin erin Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song] Jim jim Did you write this? Erin erin No. Andy andy Who did? Erin erin Steven Sondheim. Andy andy Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing] Erin erin What the hell is happening? Angela angela We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: Andy andy [cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up? Michael michael Like a month ago. Andy andy Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy? Michael michael Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant. Andy andy I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry. Erin erin What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy. Andy andy Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes. Andy andy Oh, who else is going? Erin erin Everyone. Andy andy Gabe seemed to think no one was going. Erin erin What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right? Andy andy Andy, what time's the show? Michael michael 8pm sharp. Andy andy How long is it? Michael michael Hour forty-five. Andy andy Nope, can't make it. Michael michael They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine. Michael michael Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right? Andy andy Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry. Pam pam Dwight? Andy andy Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap. Dwight dwight It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight. Andy andy I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that? Michael michael If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer. Andy andy Wow. Michael michael This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show? Andy andy I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play. Michael michael Noishe! Andy andy And scene. Michael michael Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight. Angela angela Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe. Dwight dwight Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her. Dwight dwight Give me the punch card. Dwight dwight No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show. Angela angela That is not in the contract. Dwight dwight Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate? Angela angela Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape. Dwight dwight Thank you. Angela angela Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile] Angela angela Hey, how are those salads? Andy andy It's my own fault- Jim jim My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could... Andy andy We'll keep looking. Pam pam Yes! Andy andy Really? Jim jim I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about. Pam pam Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Andy andy Yeah. Pam pam For a lot of reasons. Jim jim Yeah, I know. Neiche! Andy andy Oh, hey guys. Michael michael You brought balloons to a play? Stanley stanley I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers. Michael michael It's nice, like Up. Phyllis phyllis Yes. Michael michael Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition? Usher usher Nope. Michael michael Guys? Andy andy Hey! Andy! All all You all made it, thank you so much. Andy andy You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit. Jim jim She's babysitting? Andy andy I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club. Erin erin I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her. Andy andy [trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons. Michael michael Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber. Darryl darryl No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber. Michael michael No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition. Darryl darryl Are you kidding me? Michael michael Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later. Darryl darryl All right, I'm sorry. God. Michael michael Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael] Usher usher Ooooh! Kelly kelly [whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy. Dwight dwight [after taking her gum out] Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change. Angela angela Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss. Dwight dwight Oh, Dwight, just move. Angela angela [whispering to man sitting beside him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman. Dwight dwight What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad] Kelly kelly Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director. Shelby shelby Hello. Michael michael I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto... Shelby shelby Okay. Michael michael We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott. Shelby shelby Okay. Michael michael Yes? Shelby shelby Yes. Michael michael Good. Shelby shelby Good. Michael michael Enjoy the second act. Shelby shelby You enjoy the second act. Michael michael Have a refreshment. Shelby shelby Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar] Michael michael Come on, Dwight. Angela angela Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model? Dwight dwight These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car. Angela angela Let's go. Dwight dwight Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine! Pam pam Everything's fine. Jim jim We can relax. Pam pam We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on. Jim jim [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin] Meredith meredith Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall. Andy andy [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph. Creed creed Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her! Andy andy You found Johanna. Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues ringing] Andy andy There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs] Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd How is that funny? Michael michael The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs! Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs] Andy andy What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna? Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But... Andy andy [yelling] Where is Johanna? Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd A madhouse. Andy andy A madhouse? Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Yes, a madhouse. Andy andy A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons] Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Do you think... [bottle rolling] so you think... [bottle rolling, clanking] Andy andy Fogg's Asylum , why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying] Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Sounds like Cece. Pam pam Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax. Jim jim [sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go! Pam pam Oh, my God. Jim jim [excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter. Andy andy I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home. Erin erin Okay, this was pretty simple- Jim jim Why are you here? Pam pam [overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed. Jim jim What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way. Pam pam I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything. Erin erin Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or... Jim jim Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital? Erin erin You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Pam pam Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want. Erin erin No, we're good. Thank you, though. Jim jim Okay. Alright, bye Cece. Erin erin Okay. Pam pam Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again. Jim jim Not together! Pam pam [during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo! Michael michael That was more horrifying than Nunsense. Angela angela All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders. Dwight dwight Where's my car? Come on. Angela angela Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots. Michael michael Darryl? Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Hey! Darryl darryl Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet? Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Silent. Look, congratulations. Darryl darryl Thank you. Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd I had no idea. This plumber has pipes! Darryl darryl Yeah, good job. Well done. Michael michael You're the guy who booed me. Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em. Michael michael No, I saw you, and you were the only one. Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd Get your eyes checked, chucklehead. Michael michael Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work. Creed creed Thank you. Sweeney Todd sweeney-todd You didn't have to boo him. Darryl darryl Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling. Michael michael How would you like it if we booed you? Darryl darryl That would never happen. Michael michael Boo! Boo! Darryl darryl Okay. I appreciate the feedback. Michael michael Boo! Boo! Darryl darryl I don't like that at all. Michael michael Are you ready? Andy andy Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me! Erin erin [pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere. Andy andy Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work. Erin erin Yeah, me, too. Andy andy Okay, I kill you now. Erin erin Okay. Andy andy All right, let's do this. Dwight dwight No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted. Angela angela It's okay, I smell. Dwight dwight No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times. Angela angela No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex. Dwight dwight Well, I won't tell if you don't. Angela angela I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... [Angela reaches into his pocket] Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card] Dwight dwight Good night, Dwight. Angela angela Good night. Dwight dwight These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here. Andy andy This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise. Erin erin Awesome. Andy andy Okay. Erin erin See you later. Andy andy Thank you. Erin erin [attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker! Jim jim This night was a disaster. Pam pam No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream. Jim jim Yeah? Pam pam We could put that in orange juice. Jim jim Get it. Pam pam Yeah? Jim jim Let's get our juice on. Pam pam Yeah! Jim jim Found him! Phyllis phyllis Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues? Michael michael Yeah, I guess you could say that. Andy andy Yeah, I get those every day after work. Michael michael Your show was really great, Andy. Phyllis phyllis Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off. Stanley stanley It was like amateur hour. Andy andy It was an amateur production, technically. Oscar oscar Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome. Michael michael Stop just saying that. Andy andy I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse. Michael michael Thank you. That feels good. Andy andy I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity. Michael michael Andy, sing us another song. Darryl darryl Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now. Andy andy Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight. Phyllis phyllis Come on, Andy, seriously. Michael michael Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! All all Okay, all right, all right, all right. Andy andy [sings Macy Gray's "I Try" and everyone joins in] Andy andy In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about. Michael michael Thanks you. Shelby shelby No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act. Michael michael