[on the phone with a client] I just wanted to check and see if there's anything you needed before I went on my maternity leave... Yeah, I'm pregnant... Great, well, I'll write up the order. Okay, thanks. Pam pam Wait a minute! You can't do that. You cannot exploit your baby for sales. Dwight dwight [on the phone] Hey, did I tell you we were going to have a baby? Oh, thank you very much. I'm excited. Oh, definitely. Jim jim No, no! You need to come by your sales honorably! Dwight dwight There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life. People like it. Pam pam [on the phone with a client] Hey there. Dwight Schrute here. Listen, uh, would you be interested in restocking on paper? ... Yeah, I could sure use the money. My cousin, uh, came down with a case of that nasty new goat fungus. Oh, it's just horrific. The doctor says he'd never seen it beard so quickly. Okay. Dwight dwight I need a baby. I'll never outsell Jim and Pam without one. Also, I've been noticing a gaping hole in my life. Sometimes I wake up cradling a gourd. Dwight dwight Kevin, you're such a gourmand. Pam pam I cooked my way through Julia Childs' cookbook, and now, I'm halfway through the Twilight cookbook. Last night, I had Edward's corn flake chicken. Kevin kevin Hmm. Pam pam Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, and first dinner. Kevin kevin I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast. Kevin kevin Mmmm, that sounds great. What are you thinking? Pam pam I think it should be a surprise. Kevin kevin [After Pam has a contraction] Oh, getting there, huh? Meredith meredith No, no. I still have time. Pam pam I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor. Pam pam Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO. Jim jim If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors. Pam pam Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy. Jim jim I cannot wait for that joke to be over. Pam pam Ooh. Pam pam Oh, oh, oh! Contraption! She's contrapting! Okay, you know what? I think I should drive you guys to the hospital, and here is why. I am a licensed, classy driver in the state of Pennsylvania. I gassed up the car... Michael michael Michael. Jim jim Actually, I put diesel in this time, trying to save some money. Michael michael Michael, you shouldn't have done that. Jim jim Happy to do it. Also, I did a heck of a job baby-proofing this office. Michael michael You know the baby's not going to live here, right? Pam pam Well, the baby was conceived here, so might as well live here a little bit, too. Michael michael Hmm, that logic's air-tight, but unfortunately it wasn't conceived here. Burning man, port-o-potty. Jim jim Oh, yuck! TMI! How was it? I don't want to know. Tell me later. Let's go! Let's go! Hospital! Michael michael Okay, okay, we're not going to the hospital. We are waiting until midnight. Pam pam Ooh, spooky. But why? Erin erin Because the insurance company only covers two nights. Jim jim Everything's fine. We have plenty of time. Pam pam Well, you don't want to wait too long, Pam. Otherwise the baby's going to become a teenager in there and you'll be up all night, from the rock music. Nick nick Shut up, Nick. What a weird thing to say. Weird I.T. nerd. Don't get revenge on me, nerd. Michael michael [as Nick looks over at her] What are you looking at? Angela angela Ha, nerd. Dwight dwight Did you know that labor can last weeks? Then they take your insides out and they just plop them on a table, and sometimes epidurals don't work, and you can poop yourself. Kelly kelly [with Angela in the break room] Bare my child. Dwight dwight Excuse me? Angela angela I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 PM at our old meeting spot and bang it out. Dwight dwight [after Pam has another contraction] That's seven minutes. Here we go. This is happening. Come on. Jim jim Hold on, hold on. It isn't midnight yet. Pam pam Are you serious? Pam. Jim jim No, the doctor said every five to seven minutes. Pam pam I... Pam, please. Jim jim I'm going to be okay, we should really try to make it until midnight. Pam pam Yeah, no, you really should. Because if your baby's born tomorrow, he's going to have the same birthday as Butt-mud Brooks. My old roommate. Andy andy Did you hear that? Butt-mud Brooks. Pam pam Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart. Jim jim Five minutes apart. Pam pam So, the plan was seven minutes. But we're calling an audible, because that's her call. Because she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant. Jim jim Okay, stop watching me. Pam pam Okay, crazy. I think I have some better things to do with my day than worry about you, like sell printers. Jim jim Mm-hmm. Pam pam Well not until Friday 20% off toner cartridges, that's a big deal. While we're on the subject, why don't I just run you down to the hospital and we'll just do a quick check? Jim jim Not until midnight. Pam pam Guys. Word of advice. Speaking as a former baby. Don't get too hung up on baby names. I was named Walter Jr. after my father until I was about six or so, when my parents changed their minds. Andy andy I thought you said your younger brother was named Walter Jr. Erin erin My brother was born, and my parents felt he better exemplified the Walter Jr. name, so they gave it to him. I was given Andrew, which they got out of a baby name book. Andy andy You know, it's getting real crowded in here. Maybe you guys should all go back to work because the day's not out yet. Jim jim No, no, no, no, no. You know what? You can't tell us what to do because you are not co-manager anymore. Michael michael [as Andy and Kevin shout "yeah!" in response to Michael] Okay, I feel like this noise is going to prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals. Jim jim Actually, the distractions are good. I mean, I don't think I'm going to make it until midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it. Pam pam Distractions are good! That means conference room, five minutes! No, no, five seconds! Right now, right now! Conference room! Topic, potpourri! Let's go! Michael michael Um, I am sort of a master of distraction. When I was a kid, my mom received compliments left and right from my teachers on how I was always able to distract others in class. Try to think, what were the first thirteen colonies? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. [Michael covers his mouth and makes fart noises.] Michael michael The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body. Michael michael Can we do sleight of hand tricks? Andy andy I will allow that. Michael michael Yes! Can anyone do those? Andy andy I'm going to go look at the Internet. Stanley stanley [as Pam has another contraction] Oh! Oh, alright. That's a good one. Jim jim Oh, okay, uh, sorry, guys. Just, um, keep talking. Pam pam Okay. Michael michael Oh my God, Pam, you are a woman warrior. Kelly kelly Oh, thanks, Kelly. Pam pam Does anybody have anything? Anything interesting, any hobbies, uh, special skills? Michael michael Yes, this is the only time I'm ever going to make this request. Pam pam Yes, Phyl? Michael michael I can put on lipstick the way Molly Ringwald does in The Breakfast Club. Phyllis phyllis [ as Pam shakes her head] Nope, nope, I don't think anybody wants to see that. Michael michael I can do the evolution of dance-dance. Andy andy [as Pam gives the thumbs up] That sounds good! Do you need some music, or...? Okay. Michael michael Nope, actually music would just throw me off. I need complete silence. Okay... [Pam begins to clap as Andy dances] You're clapping. I need complete silence. Totally threw me off, so I'm going to have to start over. Evolution of dance-dance. Andy andy [reading from a book as Kelly admires] "You let me in your bed. But now, I sleep alone. Trapped with the forgotten in my detritus home." Ryan ryan [naming race horses] Affirmed. Seattle Slew. Secretariat. Citation. Assault. Count Fleet. Whirlaway. War Admiral. Omaha. Gallant Fox... And... I know this. Uh... The jockey was Johnny Loftus. Sired by Star Shoot. Erin erin Good afternoon. Angela angela Have a seat. Dwight dwight What is this? Angela angela Before we conceive a child, uh, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract. Dwight dwight Of course. Angela angela It's been a long time since we've come down here separately. Dwight dwight You know I was thinking... Angela angela Now, then. Let's get to it, shall we? Item one: Dwight dwight [as Pam has another contraction] Where are we? We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen. Another seventy five contractions and you are going to be there. Michael michael For the love of God, Pam, do it for ultra feast! Kevin kevin Okay, you know what? I'm going to go give, uh, doctor Asmani a quick call. He'd probably know... Jim jim Jim, please. Happy thoughts here. Happy times. Pam pam Yeah, happy times. Come on. Let's have happy times. Michael michael Alright. Jim jim Jim, as a matter of fact, I have printed out ten ways to induce labor. And I'm thinking we just do the opposite of those things and we can slow down your labor. Erin, read the first one. Michael michael Um, stimulate the nipples. Erin erin Okay, nobody touch Pam's nipples. Think of Pam's nipples as Toby's grundle. Michael michael Her shirt is touching them. Maybe we should cut holes in her shirt. Kevin kevin I have a shirt like that in my car. Meredith meredith Okay, yeah, why don't you go get it? Michael michael Okay, uh, the second one is walk around. We're already doing the opposite of that. Perfect. Okay, number three, eat spicy foods. Erin erin Okay, the opposite of that? Michael michael Stick spicy food up her butt. Kevin kevin Nope, nope, nope, nope. Come on, let's go to the hospital. Pam, let's go to the hospital right now. Jim jim Jim, Jim, honey, I love you, but you're really distracting me from my distractions. Pam pam Mm-hmm. Okay, great. Well, sorry. Jim jim Why don't you go do some work? Pam pam Great. I will do that. Sorry, Pam, I just feel a little bit frazzled. And you know how very rarely I use that word. Frazzled. Jim jim I know, you don't like to be frazzled. Pam pam No, I don't. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Oh, and by the way, hate that you're helping her with this right now. Totally. Jim jim Ooh, someone's freakin'. Michael michael A little frazzled. Andy andy I think he is. Michael michael I know Pam better than anyone in this office, and obviously she's gone crazy, but everybody wants to say that I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy, she's crazy. I'm not crazy, she's crazy. [reading from various books] Five to seven minutes. Five to seven minutes. Six minutes. Different, but not really. Five to seven minutes. Jim jim Acceptable names include and are limited to: Dwight dwight [Pam approaches as he sits in his car] Hey. Jim jim Hey. I'm not going to get in the car, because I know if I do you'll try to drive me to the hospital. Pam pam Ah, you know me too well. Jim jim Okay, Jim. Pam pam Yeah? ... Oh. Jim jim Everything is fine. You don't have to worry. Try not to think about it. She's not coming out for a while, okay? Pam pam Did you say "she?" Jim jim I called the doctor like a week ago. I couldn't wait... Oh, God, don't be mad. Pam pam Mad? How could I be mad? We're having a little girl. Jim jim Mm-hmm. Pam pam Wow, we're having a little girl. Oh, man. Jim jim I know. Pam pam Woo, alright. Well, I definitely feel better. Jim jim Good. Pam pam Yeah. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Alright... Hey, did you change? Jim jim Oh, yeah, my water broke. Pam pam Oh. Oh... Jim jim [enters the office and has another contraction] Oh, whoa. Ha. Wow. Pam pam Pam, Pam! Okay, alright, okay, it's time. Time to go to the hospital. Somebody get Jim, please! Is it midnight yet? Michael michael No, it's 4:35. Phyllis phyllis 4:35. Alright, almost made it. Almost made it. Too bad you didn't have sex like seven and a half hours later. But you had to have the afternoon delight. I understand. Sometimes you have to go for it. Let's go to the hospital, shall we? Michael michael No, not yet, Michael. Pam pam We can do... Michael michael Oh, wow, it's almost time for ultra feast! Where's Kevin? Pam pam Oh. What? You want to eat cat food with Kevin and not go to the hospital? Michael michael That's fancy feast. Ultra feast is something they made up so they can pig out together in the name of ceremony. Oscar oscar What is October feast? Michael michael There is no rush to get to the hospital. I am fine. I'll get there. And if I don't get there, I don't get there. Pam pam Our ultra feast menu's theme: Kevin kevin I got it! I got it! Everybody it's go time! At your stations. Stanley, man the phones. Meredith, please, get bottled water. Erin, call an ambulance, please! Michael michael No, no, no. Ambulances are emergencies only. You call an ambulance, I call the cops. Dwight dwight Alright, we're driving ourselves, actually. Jim jim No, Jim, you are in no condition to drive. I will drive you. Check! Got it. Michael michael Alright, I have my wallet. Jim jim Yes. Michael michael Go bag's in the car... Keys, my keys, where's my keys? Jim jim Go bag! Where's my go bag? Where's my go bag? Michael michael There's nothing in it. Erin erin You are telling me now that there is nothing in it. Okay, great! Oh, hey, hey, um, should I bring a dictionary to the hospital? Michael michael The hospital provides dictionaries, bring a thesaurus! Oscar oscar Has anyone checked how dilated she is? This is ridiculous! Dwight dwight Dwight, get away! Pam pam No, no, no. Dwight, let Jim do that, please. Michael michael I didn't know we had a tape measure. Erin erin [as he holds up the tape measure with his initials on it] "We" don't. Dwight dwight Okay, I can't find my keys! I cannot find my keys! Found 'em. They're here. Jim jim Here we go! {Dwight}, {Jim} and {Michael} dwight jim michael Good luck! Phyllis phyllis Good luck, Pam! Nick nick Thank you! Wish me luck! Michael michael Have fun! [sigh] Creed creed Hey, it's 5:00! Meredith meredith [entering the elevator] Here we go! Here we go! On our way! Michael michael Hold it! Stanley stanley Come on, Stanley! Okay. We're going now! Michael michael Oh, one more! Toby toby No, no, no, no! Out, out! Idiot. Michael michael Dwight, what is the traffic like? Michael michael Doesn't matter. I'll escort you! Dwight dwight Alright. Michael michael Let's go! Dwight dwight Geesh, Dwight! Michael michael [as he peels out of the parking lot and stops] Michael! Dwight dwight What!? Michael michael This is where I saw that deer last week. Dwight dwight Where? Michael michael Right over by that fence. Dwight dwight By the bushes? Michael michael Okay, Michael! Focus! Jim jim Okay, go, go, go, go! Michael michael Let's go! Dwight dwight I love escorting people. In fact, a few years back, I put an ad in the paper starting an escort service. I got a lot of responses. Mostly creeps. Made a few friends. Dwight dwight Alright, here we go! You're doing great! She'll be here soon. Jim jim Okay, just breathe... She? You found out? Come on, guys. I wanted to be surprised. Michael michael Michael! Pam pam Yeah? Michael michael Stop texting, put your phone away! Come on. Pam pam Michael, come on! Jim jim I'm texting about you, okay!? Michael michael Ugh, alright. [as he puts a police siren on top of his car] Let's move! ... What? Dwight dwight Pull over! Policeman policeman Are you kidding me? Dwight dwight Pull over! [Dwight begins throwing various weapons out of the window] You're not allowed to impersonate a police officer! Don't make this difficult, Dwight! Policeman policeman Wait, wait. My iPod's not in here! Pam pam Okay. Jim jim It has the birth song on it! Pam pam Okay. I know, I know. But my iPod is in the go bag. We'll be fine. Jim jim Jim, I don't want the first thing the baby hears to be the 8 Mile soundtrack. Pam pam Okay, so what do you want to do? Jim jim I don't know! Let's go by the house and get it. It's only twenty minutes past the hospital! Pam pam Pam, no! Are you nuts? We're going to the hospital now. Jim jim Guys, guys! Stop fighting, come on. Come on. Do you want your kid to come out a lawyer? Right? Okay, you know what? I am all over this. Here we go. [as he calls Dwight] Ready? Michael michael Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight Hello, Dwight. Pam left her iPod at her house. I want you to swing by, pick it up, and bring it to the hospital. We need it yesterday. Michael michael Why didn't you ask me to do it yesterday? I kept IM'ing you how bored I was. Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Dwight! Go to my house. Get my iPod. I think it's on the kitchen table. Do not touch anything else. The key is under... Pam pam I don't need a key. Dwight dwight Okay, Dwight, but if you do need a key, just listen it's under the... Pam pam No, no, don't, don't tell me. Alalalalalalalalalala lalalalalala alalalalalalalala. Dwight dwight Dwight just listen! It's underneath... [Dwight hangs up as the policeman hands him a ticket] Pam pam Okay. Michael michael Wait, you alright? Jim jim Yes. Pam pam Do you have everything, guys? Michael michael Michael, just go park the car. Jim jim Okay, alright. [he parks in an ambulance zone] Michael michael Sir! You can't park here! Hospital Employee hospital-employee Dunder-Mifflin. It's okay. [he throws the keys into bushes across the street] I just did. Michael michael Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now. Uh, sorry, meters. Centimeters. And she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours, and uh, I just went out for some ice chips because I might have passed out a little bit, but these are very refreshing, very good. Jim jim Daddy? She's ready to push. Nurse nurse Okay. Jim jim Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point, thank you. Here we go. Michael michael [as Pam screams] Doing great, push again. Jim jim Not yet. Doctor doctor No, don't push. Pull. Pull. Jim jim Why don't you get more ice chips? Nurse nurse No, Jim, stay! Pam pam Okay. Really push this time, Pam. Doctor doctor Okay. Pam pam [looking horrified as he walks from the room back into the lobby] Okay, not yet, not yet. I'm going to go wash my eyes. Michael michael That kid's going to have a lot of hair. Michael michael Hey, have you guys seen her? Andy andy She hasn't popped yet. Meredith meredith What? God damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday. Andy andy I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. Andy andy This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here. Phyllis phyllis I think it's going to be any minute now. Michael michael But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do? Michael michael I have an ice cream cake in the car. Phyllis phyllis Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright. Michael michael [Pam screams as he approaches the door to their room] Guys? Hello? Um, sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA when this is gonna... Michael michael This is happening! Pam pam You're starting, you're kinda losing them. Michael michael Oh, my God! Look at her! baby, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God. Jim jim Oh, my God. Pam pam [smoking a cigar] Yeah, that's right. It's a baby, see? Michael michael Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Put it, put it out. Doctor doctor Okay. You can't smoke anywhere these days. Michael michael [with Jim, holding the baby] She's incredible. Want to count her fingers and toes again? Pam pam No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each. Jim jim Okay. Pam pam Guys, guys! Michael michael Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert. Jim jim Eleven pounds... Michael michael She's seven pounds, two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great. Jim jim Yeah! Everyone everyone Thank you! Thank you! Michael michael Congratulations. That's great. Oscar oscar Hi there. Helene helene Hey, grandma's back. Jim jim Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee. Helene helene Great. Jim jim Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months. Pam pam Ooh, somebody has a full diaper. Helene helene Oh. Let me get it. Jim jim I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you. Jim jim Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh, Helene, hi. Oh, my goodness, what are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma. Michael michael Hello, Michael. Helene helene Hello. Oh, good for you. I worry about you. Michael michael I'm, uh... You know I think, uh, I think it's time for me to go. Helene helene Okay. Pam pam Love you. Helene helene Love you, as a friend. Michael michael Love you, mom. Pam pam Ooh, I want to hold the baby! Michael michael Okay, you just have to use the hand sanitizer first. Pam pam Alright. Michael michael Again, no pants. Pam pam Oh, okay. Michael michael Ready? Jim jim Mm-hmm. Oh. Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael. Michael michael It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here. Jim jim Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find, was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work [he begins to destroy the kitchen with a sledgehammer]. Dwight dwight There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family. Michael michael This man has a gift! Andy andy Who else here is single? Michael michael I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raised to say he's single] Kelly kelly I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too. Michael michael Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs? Stanley stanley Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Who else? Come on! People, I know models! Michael michael Ha ha, plus size models, maybe. Ryan ryan Ha ha, you got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single. Michael michael You know it. I am never getting married. Meredith meredith Like Clooney. Meredith meredith Andrew, what about you? Michael michael Torn scrotum. Still on the mend, so not good timing. Andy andy Yes, I'm going to ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align. Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible. Andy andy Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And, like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love. Michael michael Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents? Pam pam We were just kids. What did we know? Jim jim How we doing? Nurse nurse Great. Jim jim Good. Pam pam Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night? Nurse nurse Doesn't she sleep here? Pam pam She can. But a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot. Nurse nurse I think we'll be okay. Jim jim Okay, great. Nurse nurse [as the baby yawns] Oh, big yawn. Pam pam Ready? One, two, three... Jim jim One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down. Pam pam I can't. She's too strong. She's, careful, though. You don't want to break it. Jim jim She's not gonna... Just... Pam pam I got it. Alright. Jim jim Go. Pam pam Nurse! Jim jim How you doing? Jim jim I don't know. I just, I can't tell if she's getting anything. Pam pam Really? Jim jim Doesn't feel right. Pam pam Well, you're pushing the milk out, right? Jim jim How does one do that? Pam pam Wasn't it... It's kinda like a... Like that. Jim jim Do you want to try it, Jim? Pam pam I think you're good. Doing a good job. Jim jim Somebody buzzed? Nurse nurse Oh! Really? Must have sat on it, Pam. Jim jim I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right. Pam pam Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later. Nurse nurse Even if she's not getting anything? Pam pam Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle since we're in the nursery. Nurse nurse No. I read in the book about nipple confusion. Pam pam Oh, good. You know everything. Nurse nurse She's just, she's really tentative about latching, and I just, I want to keep her self-esteem up. Pam pam Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay? Nurse nurse Alright. Jim jim Alright. Nurse nurse It's going to be alright. Jim jim Maybe it'll be good because then she can like socialize with the other babies. Pam pam Ha ha. No, yeah, that will be good. Jim jim [in Michael's office] You wanted to see me? Erin erin What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life? Michael michael Oh, boy! ... What's that sound? Erin erin [as he appears from behind the door] Ta-da! Kevin kevin I would like you to meet your new boyfriend. Michael michael Yes! Kevin kevin I don't know what to say. Erin erin Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me. Kevin kevin Okay, hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got to let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together? Michael michael Erin, would you have lunch with me? Kevin kevin Okay. Erin erin Good! Michael michael Yes! Kevin kevin Michael, could I talk to you privately? Erin erin Sure. Kevin, please leave. Michael michael Bye. Kevin kevin Bye. Michael michael I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not. I like Andy. Erin erin Okay. This is going to kill Kevin. Michael michael I'm sure he'll be fine. Erin erin I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah blah blah. Michael michael Really? Erin erin No, Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive. And it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though. Michael michael I don't want anyone to die. Erin erin Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him. Michael michael Hi. Kevin kevin Hi. Erin erin She touched my shoulder. Kevin kevin Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy. Nurse nurse Oh, hi. Jim jim Hi. Kathy kathy Hi, so sorry. Dale dale Careful... Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there. Jim jim I know. Pam pam You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi. Jim jim [Dwight and friends continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers] None none Did you grow up around here? Erin erin No. Kevin kevin So, you must have grown up around somewhere else? Erin erin Yes. Kevin kevin Why was I hiding behind the plant? Ha, well, in college, I took a botony class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botony class. And then, uh, they would say things like "Oh, this guy's going to fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out of them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." ... Oh, the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous. Andy andy Uh, hi, Pam Halpert? Hospital Employee hospital-employee Yes? Pam pam Hi. I'm Clark. Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant. Hospital Employee hospital-employee Um, yeah, that would be great. Pam pam Yup. Really great. When's she available? Jim jim Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? Ha ha. Alright, let's see what we're working with. Clark clark So, uh, biggest thing, besides not being able to get her to latch... Pam pam I'll get that for you. Clark clark Oh, thank you. Is that um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I don't know if she's getting anything. Pam pam Okay. Let me feel here. Clark clark Okay. Pam pam Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand. Clark clark Okay. Pam pam When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a C. Uh, does that hurt? Clark clark No, I mean, it feels... pressure. Pam pam Okay. Clark clark Are you sure it doesn't hurt? Jim jim No. It just feels like pressure. Pam pam Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Like that? Clark clark Yup. Jim jim Stimulate it. Clark clark Yeah. Jim jim Alright, so you just want to do that, and that will, uh... Clark clark Perfect. Jim jim And you can just... The baby should grab on to that. Clark clark I think she will. Jim jim Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if... Pam pam We'll figure it out. Jim jim It doesn't... Why don't you bring your baby over here... She's beautiful. Clark clark Okay. Aw, thank you. Pam pam Yes, congratulations. Clark clark Thank you. Jim jim Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay? Clark clark Okay. Pam pam Please do. Jim jim Oh, shoot. Pam pam What? Jim jim Shoot, she fell off. Pam pam Oh, uh, try the torpedo thing. Jim jim Will you just, will you grab Clark real quick? Pam pam No need. I saw him do it. I can try it. Jim jim Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it. Pam pam Okay, I'll just go get the other guy. Jim jim [on the phone] Hey, what's up, kid? Dwight dwight Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I've prepared for you? Angela angela Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon? Dwight dwight I look forward to it. Angela angela Very well. Dwight dwight Goodbye. Angela angela [trying to sleep as the baby cries] Jim, Jim, get her. Pam pam Hmm? Jim jim Get the baby. Get her. Come on. Pam pam Okay. Sshh. I know. [hands the baby to Pam] Jim jim I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! She latched! She latched. Pam pam That's amazing. Jim jim Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the "C thing." Pam pam That's awesome. Jim jim Aw, we're doing it. Pam pam that's great. Jim jim We're really parents now. Pam pam Mm-hmm. Jim jim Kevin. Erin would like a few words with you. Michael michael Hey. Erin erin Hi. Kevin kevin I have really enjoyed our time together. Erin erin Yeah, me too. Kevin kevin I want to continue working on our friendship. Erin erin Really, really fun. Kevin kevin Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing. Erin erin Yeah, me too. Kevin kevin And, you're my friend. Erin erin Yeah. Kevin kevin And I hope that I'm your friend... And, maybe... Erin erin Yeah. Kevin kevin Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin? Michael michael You said she liked me. Kevin kevin Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place. Michael michael I've dumped better than Erin. Kevin kevin No. Michael michael Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael. Kevin kevin Lynn was as hot as Erin. Michael michael Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you. Kevin kevin This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy? Michael michael [he hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Ow. Andy andy Kev... Nice. Going. Michael michael Well... Erin erin Knock knock. Isabelle isabelle Oh, hey, Isabelle. Pam pam Hey. Jim jim Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Can I hold her? Isabelle isabelle Yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh, let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweety... Oh, my God! Wrong baby! Pam pam What? Jim jim Wrong baby! This is not our baby! Sshh. Pam pam Okay, okay. Jim jim Oh, my gosh. Pam pam [waking up] Oh,has she been fussing long? Kathy kathy No, not at all. Pam pam Perfect. Jim jim I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry... Kathy kathy How's it going? Nurse nurse Well, I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby di... Pam pam Ha ha ha. Jim jim Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home? Nurse nurse We definitely are. At 3:00, right? You said we could stay until 3:00? Jim jim Yeah, you can. It's 2:35. Nurse nurse Half hour. Jim jim Twenty five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat? Nurse nurse Yes, car seat's right there. Jim jim That bottom part needs to go in the car. Nurse nurse Newsflash, the whole thing needs to go in the car. Jim jim Ha ha, be back in twenty five minutes. Nurse nurse Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be... Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me. Jim jim [entering the Halpert house] Hello? Dwight? What, what are you doing here? Isabelle isabelle Isabelle. Hello... Yeah, the uh, kitchen was disgusting, so... Dwight dwight Wow, ha. New cabinets. Isabelle isabelle Yup. Dwight dwight All I did was bring macaroni and cheese... Where's the fridge? Isabelle isabelle Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this. Dwight dwight Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it. Isabelle isabelle Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun. Dwight dwight Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too. Isabelle isabelle Are they now? Ha ha, how some people spend their money, right? Ha ha. Dwight dwight Yeah... Isabelle isabelle Alright. I'll call you, kid. Dwight dwight Do that. Isabelle isabelle Are you really sure we should be leaving? Jim jim Yeah. Hospital Employee hospital-employee But you hear the baby crying, right? Jim jim Mm-hmm... Where's your car? Hospital Employee hospital-employee Uh, it's in the lot. Jim jim Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around. Hospital Employee hospital-employee Right, okay. Yes, that would be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back. Jim jim Okay, please hurry. Pam pam Erin, uh, I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm going to stand here and wait for the confirmation. Andy andy Okay, good. Erin erin The fax says "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" from Andy, and the number is our office fax number. Andy andy It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit? Erin erin Sorry, that's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired. Andy andy [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today. Erin erin Oh, God, no. I'm... Just read the fax. Andy andy You read the fax. Erin erin I'm... I'm asking you out. Andy andy Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner. Erin erin So, it's a date. Andy andy Yes. Do you have a day in mind? Erin erin Yeah, what day? What day? Andy andy Everyday is fine. Or... Erin erin Well, that, what's that one? Andy andy Thursday? Erin erin Okay. Let's do it. Andy andy Okay. Erin erin Would you like me to help you up out of the chair? Hospital Employee hospital-employee Oh, yeah, sorry. Pam pam Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today. Hospital Employee hospital-employee Okay, alright, thanks... Okay, do you want to eat? You want to try eating? Okay... Okay, let me... Just you and me. Come on. There we go... Yeah... Oh, yeah. Like that. There we go. You got it. Pam pam Five tickets on the windshield... Hey. Jim jim Hi. We did it. Pam pam You used my move, didn't you? Jim jim I used a variation of your move. Pam pam [smoking a cigar] There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that is what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today... I think I'm going to be sick... Michael michael Two forms of ID, please. Dwight dwight And now you, two forms of ID, please... Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature... What is it? Angela angela Nothing. Dwight dwight Alright. How would you like to celebrate? Angela angela Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick... [Jim and Pam walk in to their house with the baby] I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days. I'll be out of your hair. Dwight dwight