[on phone] Vancouver Court Hotel, how many I help you? Hotel Employee hotel-employee Hello Vancouver, this is Michael Scott calling from the United States of America! I have a reservation in your fair city from February 12th to the 19th, first week of the Olympics. Michael michael Well, we are looking forward to having you, so, let me just pull up your information here... Hotel Employee hotel-employee Okey doke. Michael michael Um, I don't seem to have it, sir. Hotel Employee hotel-employee What? Michael michael [looking through Michael's email] I'm not seeing anything under "confirmation." Dwight dwight No. Michael michael Could it be under "affirmation?" Cause you have thousands of those. Dwight dwight No. [to hotel employee on phone] We're trying to look it up right now. Michael michael You [i]did[/i] get the e-vite to my barbeque! Dwight dwight Um, come on. Michael michael Michael... Dwight dwight Uh, sir? A lot of people are trying to get last-minute reservations at hotels here for the Olympics, but we've been fully booked for months. Hotel Employee hotel-employee Well, I have been booked for three years, so you should have that. I've always heard that British Columbia is a very nice place, but I am not getting that from this conversation. Michael michael Wait, I got it! Confirmation code: Dwight dwight Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English? Michael michael [Jo Bennett enters with two humongous dogs, everyone stands to welcome her except Dwight] Why hello! Michael michael This is Michael Scott, co-regional manager of this branch. Gabe gabe Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bennett. Michael michael Oh, that's Mrs. Bennett, sweetheart. My husband and I are divorced, but I kept the "Mrs." just to piss off the new wife. Well, let's take a gander around this place. Jo jo [Jo's dogs are sniffing at his crotch] These sure are pretty dogs... Andy andy They love a good crotch. Jo jo They sure do. Andy andy You should take that as a compliment! Jo jo Oh, I do! Andy andy [to Dwight] Hello. Jo jo Hello. Dwight dwight Do you always stay seated when a lady enters the room? Jo jo I am treating you the same as a man, for whom I would also not stand. Unless it was the President. Or Judge Judy. Dwight dwight I like that. Jo jo This is Accounting. Gabe gabe Hi! Kevin kevin Good-looking group. Jo jo Over here is Meredith Palmer and Creed Bratton. Gabe gabe Another couple of heartbreakers. Who is this tall drink of sun tea? Jo jo That is Jim Halpert, he is the co-regional manager of this office. Gabe gabe [gesturing to Michael] I thought this guy was the manager? Jo jo Oh, he is. He's the co-manager, and that's the other co-manager. Gabe gabe Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that! Jo jo Got some Valentine's cards for my coworkers and my bro-workers. Andy andy [as Andy is passing her a card] No, no! Angela angela What, no candy? Kevin kevin Valentine's Day, right around the corner. Erin and I have been on zero dates. So I got her a Valentine's Day card, but I didn't wanna seem "too eager," so I got cards for everyone in the whole office to kind of dilute it a little bit. Andy andy [throwing a card at Meredith, which skims her throat]: Andy andy Yeah, I have this thing about men cutting or threatening to cut my throat. Don't try to cut my throat. Meredith meredith Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida it might take one very strong woman to do such a job. Michael michael Whoa, whoa. Jim jim Whoa, whoa! Michael michael I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here: Jim jim I'm Jolene Bennett, Jo for short. I'm a breast cancer survivor, close, personal friends with Nancy Pelosi, and Truman Capote and I slept with three of the same guys. When I was a little girl, I was terrified to fly, and now I have my own pilot's license. I am CEO of Sabre International, and I sell the best damn printers and all-in-one machines Korea can make. Pleased to meet you. Jo jo [almost running into Erin] Whoa-oh, traffic jam! Andy andy Uh-oh, traffic jam on route three! Erin erin [imitating car noises] Beep-beep! Beeooop-beep! Andy andy Beep! Twenty people dead in a pile-up! Erin erin There's blood everywhere! Um, I got you a Valentine's card. Andy andy [opening card] Oh, you did? Aw, a bird and a dog! Erin erin Yeah, well it's Snoopy and Woodstock. Andy andy You named them? Erin erin Uh, Charles Schultz did. I thought it was relevant cause I got you all those birds for Christmas, remember? Andy andy Uh, yeah I do remember. [reading card] Aw, they love each other. Erin erin Oh, look at that. They sure do. I hadn't noticed. Andy andy Wow, it smells really good too. Erin erin Yeah! It's Roger Federer for men, I sprayed some in there. Andy andy Andy, whoa! Thank you very much! Erin erin It's got pheromones in it. Andy andy Hey! Jo jo Hi. Kevin kevin [to Angela, who's having a hard time deciding on a chair] Just choosing seats, not getting married. Chop, chop little onion! Jo jo Jo, there's books in my chair. Kevin kevin That's right, darlin', now you're the proud new owner of a Sabre handbook and my autobiography. Now, you all must be in a tizzy. I can see it on your faces, I mean, what's going on now? I mean, who owns Dunder Mifflin? Right? I mean, Sabre? What's that? Some company I've never heard of? Down in Tallahassee? Where is that? Near Mars? Jo jo No, we know. Texas! Michael michael Now Dunder Mifflin has an arm's reach in all these small businesses all over the northeast. Now we're gonna take that arm, and we're gonna start selling printers. Jo jo I could manage my way around that. Michael michael They're the easiest-to-use printers on the market. Jo jo I will try to manage my excitement! Michael michael I have been saying the word "manager" a lot, so whenever Jo thinks "manager" she thinks of me. Camel cigarettes did the same thing with Joe Camel by making him look like a penis. I can't even go near a cigarette now without thinking of a penis. And vise-versa. Michael michael I think that's it. So we're all good! [many employees raise their hands] Thanks ya'll. Jo jo [Jo leaves] I, uh... Dwight dwight [reading her Valentine's card from Andy] Oh my God. Kelly kelly I guess Andy likes me. I never thought of him in that way. But, I guess in most romantic comedies, the guy you're supposed to be with is the one you never thought of in that way. You might have even thought he was annoying or possibly homosexual. Kelly kelly So, check this out. According to the handbook, you could make more money as a salesman than as a manager. They have all these incentive programs. I ran your numbers from last year. Pam pam This is way more than I make now. Jim jim I don't think I'm gonna miss being manager. You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money. And quite honestly, the women. Jim jim Hey, you got a second? Jim jim Sure. You here to tell me that you think I would be a better manager and that you are sorry for being such a jerk? Michael michael Actually, yeah. Jim jim What? Michael michael Exactly that. I think that you absolutely deserve the manager position more than I do. Jim jim What? Really? Michael michael Yeah! Jim jim Wow! Michael michael La la la, hello Oscar! Michael michael Michael. Reading. Oscar oscar What are you reading? Michael michael The Atlantic. Oscar oscar Oh, that is my favorite ocean! I love it! I am so happy right now. No! I can't keep it a secret any longer. Jim is stepping down to salesman, I am going to be the sole manager once again. Michael michael I should step into sales myself. Oscar oscar Why, is there an untapped gay market? Michael michael Sabre has no caps on commissions. He can make a lot more money in sales. Oscar oscar ...Where did you get that information. Michael michael Manual. Oscar oscar Manuel who? Michael michael Well, according to the manual, there is no cap on commissions. I have been hustled. Michael michael Son of a bitch. [enters conference room] Pardon me. Michael michael Oh, speak of the devil. We were just talking about you. Have a seat! Jo jo Okay. Michael michael Now Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager. Jo jo Really? Aw, that is so sweet of you! But, I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I wanna go back to sales. Michael michael Really? Jo jo Really. Jim jim Yeah. You can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman. Michael michael Well, I think you're both being a little too modest. Jo jo No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons. Jim jim No, I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office, and I would sexually harass people. Michael michael Why would you do that? Jim jim I'm turning myself in right now! Michael michael You know, Michael, you have more experience in sales and management, so I'm gonna defer to your judgment. Jo jo Thank you. Michael michael I think you [to Michael] will become the salesman, and congratulations! [to Jim] You're gonna be the new manager of this branch! Jo jo Great! That's great. Congratulations. Have fun signing my commission checks, boss. Michael michael [pointing to the window in Michael's office] Oh, Michael marked his heights. He's grown! Pam pam Mm! Jim jim [on phone] Bobcat, this is Dragon. Listen. He's been promoted to sole manager. We've got to step this up. Meet me behind the dumpster in ninety seconds. [hangs up phone] 89... 88... Dwight dwight You're twenty minutes late! Dwight dwight [walking up] Um, I was at another dumpster! Ryan ryan Just admit you lost track of time. Dwight dwight Ryan and I have been meeting up to work on our diabolical plot against Jim. Ryan is always late for our meetings. I wish I had a lair. Dwight dwight Did you see Saw? Ryan ryan Of course I seesaw. Mose and I seesaw all the time. Dwight dwight No, uh, the movie. Did you see the movie Saw? Ryan ryan Oh, yeah. Great film. Almost as fun as going on a seesaw. Dwight dwight Okay, the reason these movies are so popular, is the element of psychological torment. Ryan ryan I like where you're going with this. Continue. Dwight dwight Could we lure him into an old warehouse or something? Ryan ryan I have an old barn! Dwight dwight Yes! Ryan ryan It's kinda smelly, but that might be a plus! And then what? Dwight dwight We do what they did in Saw! ... I mean, we don't kill him, obviously. I have a mask... Ryan ryan Okay, that's your idea? Exactly like in the movie!? That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard in my life! Dwight dwight Well suggest something else then! Don't just... Ryan ryan He's supposed to cut his leg off? Think! Dwight dwight Don't just criticize my idea! Ryan ryan Think! Dwight dwight You think of something then! Ryan ryan Michael, I'm worried that, uh, not all your toys are gonna fit on your new desk. Erin erin How is that possible? Michael michael Well, in your old office there were all those ledges and extra space. Erin erin No excuses Erin, come on! Make it happen. Michael michael You know, I actually think I should get back to work. Jim asked me to do some stuff, and he's manager. Erin erin Oh, yeah. Fine, fine. Leave it here. I have to make some sales anyway. Who should I call with my magic sales fingers? [Michael's phone rings] Michael Scott, head of sales. Michael michael [on phone] You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there. Jim jim The new IT guy. Nick. Dwight dwight Nick. Ryan ryan I think he is the key. He's very trusting, he's looking for friends, he has been given an awesome amount of power, and does not know how to wield it. Dwight dwight Like Frodo! Ryan ryan Why don't you just let me handle the Tolkien references, okay dumb jock? Dwight dwight Well, I think he can be corrupted. Like Gollum. Ryan ryan Smeagol was corrupted and became Gollum. Dwight dwight I might start a diabolical plot against him after this one. Dwight dwight Who's hungry? Erin erin What is that? Jim jim It's ants on a log. Michael would always have me bring them in at 2:30 and say "Who's hungry?" Erin erin Oh. I'm fine. Thank you, though. Jim jim Do you want me to spin you in your chair and make you dizzy? Erin erin Why would I wanna do that? Jim jim It's a thinking technique. All the top executives do it. It keeps the brain moving, and a spinning brain is a working brain. Erin erin For now, I'm just gonna go back to work here... Jim jim Oh sure. Erin erin Yeah. Thank you. Jim jim Well. Erin erin [on phone] It will be a pleasure doing business with you. Thanks, bye. [hangs up phone, blows train whistle] I just got a new account for the gentleman's club in Carbondale. It is called "Curves." I went by there the other day, saw some of the women walking in. Not really my cup of tea. Actually, Kevin, you might like it! Michael michael Nice! Kevin kevin You know, we really don't announce out loud our sales that much. Dwight dwight Why not? It's part of the sales experience. Michael michael It's not really 1992 anymore. Dwight dwight Well, okay... Michael michael [reading Andy's card] You brighten my day with the sound of your voice, you bring so much laughter and love, you're everything to me, and I was so blessed when God sent you here to me. Kelly kelly Geez louise. Erin erin I know, obsessed with me much? Kelly kelly Well, everyone got one. Erin erin What did yours say? Kelly kelly Friends are worth sharing a doghouse with. Erin erin It's no wonder that Andy gave Kelly such a romantic card. I can't compete with her. That girl can sing, and dance, and gets all of her clothes at the mall. And I feel like such a fool for thinking that Andy was only going after one girl, cause Andy Bernard is a playboy. And, why shouldn't he be? He's got it all. Erin erin Ho-ho. There he is, the IT guy. So you discovered the break room. Dwight dwight Uh, yep. Nick nick I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords. Dwight dwight No, I actually don't. Nick nick Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here. There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he is doing some terrible things, okay? He is molesting people via the internet. And we need to stop him. Dwight dwight I think that you should call the cops. Nick nick No, the cops called us. So I'm gonna need you to give me the password to Jim Halpert's computer. Dwight dwight I don't know what to tell you, man. I'm sorry, I just can't give out his password like that. Nick nick Nick. We could make things very, very difficult for you. Ryan ryan Are you... you threatening me? Nick nick Threatening you? No. [tries to crush an aluminum can, Dwight crushes an apple] Ryan ryan What is that smell? Do you smell that? What is that? Like a sulfur deposit under here? Michael michael Michael, stop. Pam pam No, I'm serious, we don't have to put up... Is it the dogs? Michael michael Michael... Pam pam You know what, we don't have to deal with this. I am going to Google sulfur maps. Michael michael Michael, it's Phyllis. Dwight dwight No, this is geological. Michael michael I sent an email out to everyone in this area that this might be a side effect to my new allergy medication I'm on. Phyllis phyllis Are you kidding me? Michael michael No. Phyllis phyllis And you guys are okay with this? Michael michael She sent an email, so. Dwight dwight I did. Phyllis phyllis [has two tissues in his nostrils] It's not cause of the smell. I'm just expecting a nosebleed. Andy andy Oh my God. Michael michael Oh! You scared me! Kelly kelly I'm sorry, I thought you saw me. Andy andy I didn't see you. And you were there all along. [takes papers out of copy machine] Well, I warmed it up for you so, should be good to go. Kelly kelly Cool, thanks. Andy andy Bye, Andy. [kisses his cheek] Kelly kelly ...That was weird. Andy andy No it ain't. We all saw the Valentine you gave her. Meredith meredith I don't even know what that card said. Andy andy Believe me, if I got that card? We'd be in the bathroom doin' it right... now. Meredith meredith Hey. Michael michael Hey. Jim jim You know, it's funny. I used to stand in here and wish I was out there. Now I'm out there, and I wish I was in here. Michael michael Well, the grass is always greener. Jim jim Yeah. Except there's no grass out there. It's just a farty dirt patch. Michael michael Well, it's what you wanted. Jim jim I really need my job back. We made a terrible mistake here. Michael michael For the record, I fought this. Alright? And now, I'm not really sure what we do. Jim jim We make a poster that says "Happy Opposite Day!" and she sees it on the way out... Nah, that's stupid. Ugh! I wish we had one of those amnesia flashlights from Men in Black. Michael michael Hey, what was that movie where their boss was within earshot and they could've just gone and talked to her. Jim jim Lethal Weapon? Michael michael That's it. I think we should do it the Lethal Weapon way. Jim jim You two are grown-ass men. What do I have to do, fire you and get two people in here who don't need so much management? Jo jo What? What I'm saying... Michael michael Michael's saying he's better at being manager, and I agree, cause he's a better people person, weirdly. Jim jim And weirdly I'm a good dog person, right guys? [dogs go to him] See? They love me. Michael michael Fine. I don't care which one of you does which job, just stop meeting with me to talk about it. Jo jo Alright. Jim jim Alright! Michael michael [cell phone rings] Oh, I gotta take this. Yep. Uh, finish walking my dogs for me. And don't ride 'em. Lotta people try to ride 'em. Jo jo [Erin leaves room] Excuse me? Everyone? Please check your emails, I just sent you the following message: Andy andy Yeah, I guess Andy never liked Kelly. How about that? Erin erin Oh, it smells good in here. Michael michael Sure does! Okay, we have your space heater, your humidifier, your dehumidifier, your fan, your foot fan, and your food dehydrator. Erin erin Erin, what about my keyboard? [Erin hits a button on an electronic keyboard, playing a beat] Aw, so good to be home. How about a little Bosa Nova? Michael michael Oh! [hits another key, they awkwardly dance together] Erin erin [gesturing to Michael dancing in his office] He looks happy. Pam pam Yep. Jim jim Well, well, well. Hm. Boss for, what was it? Oh, four and a half hours? New record. Low. Previous record? Henry Rosston. Boss for nine years, four months. And he only left because he had family matters to attend to and he [Jim dunks Dwight's tie in his coffee cup, Pam smiles] what? Michael! Dwight dwight [entering elevator with Ryan] I can't help but think that something we did made this possible. Dwight dwight Jim dug his own grave, but maybe we provided the shovel. Ryan ryan Oh temp, I like that. I'm going to engrave that into a piece of wood. Care to celebrate with a drink? Dwight dwight I would love to. [elevator doors close, then reopen in the lobby] Why not? Ryan ryan Because! Martini bars are pretentious. No thank you. Dwight dwight Well, I'm sorry that I don't want farm boy swill like you do, you know. Ryan ryan It is not "farm boy swill," I will show you. It is beet Vodka and it is delicious. Dwight dwight I am not interested in anything I have to make myself! Ryan ryan