[phone ringing] You gonna answer that, Kev? Jim jim Oh, right. Thanks. [reading off index card] Dunder Mifflin, this is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. [cupping the mouthpiece, yelling] Oscar, your mom! Kevin kevin Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? [pause] I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that. Jim jim Please hold. [cupping mouthpiece and holding out the phone] Andy! Phone call. Kevin kevin No. [Andy gets up from his desk] Stay there. Kev, thought we nailed the whole transfer thing earlier. Jim jim Yeah, I wrote it on my hand... but then I washed it. Kevin kevin It is transfer, extension, and then transfer again. Jim jim Okay. Andy, get ready. [muttering] Transfer. Extension. Transfer. Kevin kevin Here we go. [Meredith's phone rings. Jim and Andy groan.] Jim jim Oh, man! Kevin kevin It is 1-3-4, Kev! [Kevin runs to the phone] Andy andy Kev, c'mon. Jim jim Hustle! Dwight dwight Hold it. Kevin kevin You are murdering the Nard-dog! Andy andy [on phone] This is Kevin. Please hold and I will transfer you. [Phyllis's phone rings] Kevin kevin You're bad at this too! Angela angela [running to the phone] Just... don't answer that call! Kevin kevin Just transfer the damn call. Stanley stanley Your call is very important to us. Ple-[Andy's phone rings] Kevin kevin Hey-o! [applauding and cheering] Andy andy Way to go. Dwight dwight My maid died. Andy andy Today is my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know, Apple Computers started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple. [picks up piece of mail] Look, it's official! [door opens, Michael is in a bath robe] Pam pam Oh, good. My hooker's here. [laughs] Hi. Michael michael Michael, you were expecting me, right? Pam pam Yes I was. Yes I was. Michael michael Are you wearing anything under the robe? Pam pam That is inappropriate, Pam. Come on in. Michael michael This looks great, Michael. Pam pam Thank you. Would you like some french toast? Michael michael Yes, please. Pam pam What shape? Michael michael ... Square is fine. Pam pam Alright. Michael michael Just want to fill you in on a few details. As you know, I will be running the branch while we search for Michael's replacement. So please feel free to come to me with any questions or concerns. [Kelly raises hand] Yeah. Charles charles Where will you be staying while you're in Scranton? Kelly kelly Eh, uh, in a hotel. Charles charles Charles, where were you born? Angela angela Actually, I meant questions more about the day-to-day operations of the company. Kay. [Andy raises hand] Yeah. Charles charles How are operations of the company? Just, day-to day. Andy andy Okay, let's go over non-discretionary cuts. Okay, guys? [Charles sees Stanley with his crossword, Charles stares and he puts it away] Thank you. So, umm... Charles charles [whispering] Would you please stop that? Jim jim What? Dwight dwight You're breathing very heavily. Jim jim This is how I breathe. Dwight dwight No it's not. Jim jim If you want to tell me - Dwight dwight Okay, Jim Halpert. I need your eyes up front. Charles charles Oh no. I was just - Jim jim No. Hey, hey. I just want to hear "yes". Charles charles ... Yes. Jim jim Good. As I was saying... Charles charles Oh no! The new boss does not find Jim adorable! Ohhhh! [smiles] Dwight dwight So, what do you say we get started? Pam pam After breakfast. Michael michael I'm full. Pam pam So how you feeling about the new company? Michael michael I feel good. [sees a huge pile of French toast] Wow. Pam pam You excited? About the new company? Michael michael Yeah. I'm excited to start the company. Pam pam After breakfast. Michael michael We did that. So, what's next? Michael, just stop for a second. [reaches out to take the whisk] Michael. Stop for a second. Pam pam No, I'm whipping them. Michael michael No, I know you are. Pam pam Just let go. Michael michael Just let me have... Oh. Pam pam Let go, please. Just gimmee - Michael michael Fine! [eggs splatter all over his robe] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Pam pam I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this? I have egg in my Crocs. Michael michael I never see him drink. I never see him eat. Phyllis phyllis I don't think he even uses the bathroom. Stanley stanley Oh, he does. He does. Creed creed [doing situps] I feel weak today. Felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse. Michael michael You know, Michael. When I feel overwhelmed - Pam pam I'm not overwhelmed, Pam. Michael michael I know! No, I'm saying that when I feel overwhelmed, something I like to do is make a list. Make a list of things to do and then start with the easy stuff. Pam pam Whatever calms you down. Michael michael Okay, first, work out. And, hey! Look! You did that. Check. [Michael doing leg lifts] Eat an enormous breakfast. Check. Pam pam Don't patronize me, Pam. Michael michael I think you should get dressed. Pam pam I'm not getting dressed. I'm not getting dressed. I have too many things to do before I get dressed. I need to find a hundred clients. Michael michael Michael, that seems impossible. Pam pam It's totally impossible! Michael michael We need to come up with one realistic thing that we could do today. Pam pam Assemble a sales team. A dream team. Michael michael Great. Pam pam Okay, Ryan. Michael michael No. What? Why? Pam pam He's everything I'm not and everything I am. He's the whole package. Michael michael No. We're not gonna hire Ryan. Pam pam Umm... Oh! Vikram! Best salesman I've ever met. Michael michael Okay. Pam pam He worked at that telemarketing place. Michael michael We'll find him. Pam pam Okay. Oh also, we have a meeting this afternoon with a potential investor. Michael michael Really? Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael We have an investor already? Pam pam Maybe. Barbara Keebis. She invests in local businesses. And I am putting together a little presentation for her. Michael michael Michael, that's fantastic. Pam pam Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. Got a few things cookin'. [sits down in robe, legs spread wide] Umm... Michael michael Hey! We need to get you dressed! Pam pam I have doubts about this too. But when one person freaks out, sometimes it weirdly makes the other one calmer. That's one thing I've learned about relationships. I hate that I just used the word relationship. [Michael comes out in a suit] Hey! You look great! [checks something off her list] Let's go! Pam pam Alright. Michael michael [laughing at something on his computer] Andy andy You a soccer fan? Charles charles Oh. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. You weren't supposed to see this. This is like my secret obsession. Andy andy Well, that makes two of us. Charles charles No way! Andy andy Yeah. Charles charles I hate soccer. But guess who doesn't hate soccer? Charles Miner. Andy andy I was actually in Germany for the 2006 World Cup Finals. Charles charles Ahhh. You bastard! That shoulda been me! Andy andy Yeah, I love the sport. I love the sport. Alright, man. Charles charles Cool! Andy andy I've never been a kiss up. I - it's just not how I operate. I mean, I've always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work. Half-heartedly. Jim jim Next on the list - open the mail. Pam pam Oh. Wow. "Michael Scott Paper Company." Okay. Very official. "Dear Mr. Scott. Please be advised that it is in violation of your condominium agreement to conduct a business headquartered in your residence. The penalty, a forfeiture of residence." Michael michael No, okay. It's fine. It's fine. We're just gonna add "find office"... Pam pam How are we gonna find an office? How can we pay for an office? Michael michael Next on the list -- song parodies. Pam pam Okay. Okay. "Achey Breaky Fart." Michael michael Great. Let's sing it in the car. Pam pam No! No No. No. "My Stumps." Like "My Humps" but a guy with no legs. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam We can do this. Michael michael We can do this. Pam pam Whoa! And he just goes, "Boom". [kicking motion] Goal! Andy andy Yep. Yep. That's Pele. Charles charles You know your soccer, man. Andy andy I know. Yes I do. Charles charles I prefer [looks down at palms] Maradona. Uhhh... Diego Maradona. Stanley stanley Oh yeah? Charles charles From Argentina. Stanley stanley I didn't know we had so many, uh, soccer fans in the office. Charles charles I mean, to be fair, I was the first one to talk about it, but... Andy andy What about you, Jim? You a fan of the game? Charles charles Uh, no. Nope. Not really. Jim jim Well, it's not for everybody I suppose. [Andy laughs] Charles charles It's 'cause I'm more of a player. Jim jim Yeah? Charles charles You bet. Jim jim Really, Jim? I had no idea you played soccer. 'Cause you never, ever talk about it. Dwight dwight Well I do. Jim jim Wow. Dwight dwight I play. Jim jim You can be so modest sometimes. Dwight dwight Well, maybe you should get back to work. Jim jim Maybe you and Charles should kick the soccer ball around. Dwight dwight Maybe we will someday. Jim jim Maybe you will tonight after work. What do you say? Dwight dwight That's a great idea, Dwight. Charles charles Great ideas are just part of what I bring to the table. Dwight dwight Yeah. Jim jim I don't try and be anything that I'm not. Dwight dwight What do you say, Jim? Huh? Wanna play some soccer? Charles charles Jim, what do you say? Dwight dwight Sounds fun. Angela angela I'm in it to win. Andy andy Game on! Dwight dwight Okay. See you on the field, there, bro. Charles charles Let's... eh... see ya. Jim jim See you on the field. Ha, ha. I can't wait! Charles charles Yep, I used to play soccer in school. From second to fourth grade. I was on the orange team. Jim jim [Michael comes out with Vikram, arms raised] We got Vikram! Pam pam You got me. Vikram vikram Where are we going? Vikram vikram We have a meeting with an investor today. Pam pam Yes we do. So, get excited. But I have to go the bathroom real quick. If you'll excuse me, be right back. [gets out of the car] Ah, okay. Michael michael He seems really confident. Vikram vikram He can be. Pam pam Confidence. It's the food of the wise man but the liquor of the fool. Vikram vikram Hm. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Vikram. Pam pam Hey. I would like a pair of size nine, please. [Ryan is working at the bowling alley] It's Michael. Michael michael I'm swamped, Michael. [over the PA] Happy birthday to Sally in lane 27. Ryan ryan Okay, imagine a company that has no memory of your past misconduct because they have no files. Michael michael He's taking a long time. Is it possible he's bowling? I mean, you know him better than I do. Vikram vikram Yes. Yes, it's possible. Pam pam Well, it has always been a lifelong dream. Michael michael Michael! What's going on? Pam pam I'm... Michael michael Hey, Ryan. Pam pam Hey, you. Ryan ryan Excuse me. Yes? Michael michael This wasn't on the list. Pam pam Yes, it is. Michael michael No. Pam pam Yes. Michael michael It's not. Pam pam It is. Michael michael [looks at list] When did you add this to the list? Pam pam Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance. [walks back to Ryan] Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here? Michael michael Sixty thousand dollars a year. Ryan ryan You get paid by the year at the bowling alley? Pam pam What do you make, secretary? Ryan ryan Back to work, shoe bitch! Supervisor supervisor I told you guys, I'm really busy here, so... Ryan ryan Would you like to come to work for the Michael Scott Paper Company? Michael michael What size shoes are you guys? Ryan ryan Uh, nine. Michael michael What are those, a men's ten? Ryan ryan No. Pam pam [Ryan grabs some shoes] Look what he's doing. Michael michael What is he doing? Pam pam He's stealing them. Okay, okay. Michael michael Oh my God. Pam pam He's already paying for himself. Michael michael Sorry! Pam pam Where is it? Ryan ryan Right here. Michael michael Hey, c'mon, guys. These are prime selling hours, you know. Vikram vikram Miner - [kicking a piece of trash] Charles charles Oh, there he goes. Jim jim ...sees his partner - Charles charles Yikes. Jim jim Halpert. He looks up! Charles charles Aw, man. Jim jim Defending duo! He sets him up! [Jim moves the piece of trash with his hands] He sets him up. Yeah. Oh-ho! Charles charles Oh! Goal! Jim jim Aw, man, I can't wait to play with you. Charles charles Aw, it's gonna be the [softly] worst. Jim jim Do you guys want to hear about Thailand? Ryan ryan Oh yeah. Michael michael Sure. Pam pam It was indescribable. Ryan ryan Sounds awesome. Michael michael Beat. Pam pam What sort of investing club is this? Vikram vikram Vikram, you ask a lot of questions and I like that. Hey, Nana! Hi! Michael michael [mouthing to camera] Nana? Pam pam Michael! Nana nana People turn to their families all the time when they need help starting out and if my Nana's investment club can help the Michael Scott Paper Company become a reality, then I'm sure that's what she would have wanted. Does want. Michael michael Well I'm sure that you must all have very, very busy schedules, so I appreciate you meeting with us here today. What this is is a business that I have worked toward my entire life. Hey! [snaps in front of sleeping old man] I have assembled what I believe to be the most exciting, sought-after talent in the industry today. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the dream team. From our very own Scranton, Pennsylvania - Pam Beesly. Pretty Pam is always reaching for the stars and someday, she may just surprise us all and grab one. Meet Vikram. From his humble beginnings as a - stay standing - from his humble beginnings as a prominent surgeon, he risked it all to become the most successful telemarketer in the lipophedrene industry. And do not call it a comeback. The youngest vice president in the history of Dunder Mifflin, and recent bowling alley employee, Ryan Howard is about to make a splash in paper. Michael michael So let's hear it. Nana nana Okay. I have spent the last 15 years learning the ins and outs of the paper industry. With a lean, mean fighting crew and low overhead, I think I can perform the same business at a much, much higher rate of profit. Michael michael How do you expect to turn a profit in this economy? Nana nana By wanting it more. By working hard- Michael michael What's your mission statement? Nana nana Mmmm-My mission is stated as follows: Michael michael C'mon, Oscar. What positions do people play? Charles charles Wing. Dwight dwight Wag. Kevin kevin Jim. What do you play? Charles charles Left. Jim jim Forward or half? Charles charles Forward, definitely. Jim jim Okay, striker, huh? Charles charles Striker! Jim jim Let's see what you got in those legs! Charles charles Alright! Let's do it. Jim jim Alright. [Dwight blows whistle in Jim's face] No, no, no. That's supposed to be the kickoff. Charles charles Kickoff. [to camera] My strategy is to touch the ball as little as possible. Chalk it up to teamwork. [to team] Alright! [clapping] Jim jim And I offer same day, free delivery. Michael michael Michael, I don't know about this. Nana nana Nana. [softly] I really think that Papa would want you to do this. Michael michael I'm not so sure. Nana nana Well what is it exactly? I mean, what, what specifically? We don't - it doesn't have to be paper. We could sell medicine and other... Michael michael See, this is what concerns me. Nana nana We could just give him a chance. It's not much money. Old Woman old-woman Well... this might not be the right time, but I need more than I originally asked for. Michael michael This isn't a handout club. It's an investment club! Nana nana Okay. Michael michael I love you, Michael. I do. Nana nana Okay. Michael michael But no. I mean it. No. Nana nana I thought Nana raised some good questions. What kind of a name is Nana? Vikram vikram It means grandmother. Pam pam Oh, sweet Jesus. Look, I'm sorry to do this, but can you drop me back at the telemarketing building? Vikram vikram You know, Michael? You want to succeed? You got to apply the same- [Michael slams door] Vikram vikram Get 'im, Jim! C'mon, tough D, Jim. [Charles kicks, ball hits Phyllis in the nose] Andy andy Oh, my God! Oh wow. Jim, what the? Charles charles Phyllis, Phyllis. Oscar oscar Phyllis, are you okay? Are, you okay? Charles charles [muffled] No, I swallowed a crown. Phyllis phyllis Why'd you duck, Jim? Charles charles What? Jim jim Yeah, Jim. Why would an experienced soccer player like yourself duck at the very last moment? Dwight dwight Okay, I'm just gonna go get some ice. Jim jim Does that make you feel better? Huh? Charles charles I'm sorry, Phyllis. Jim jim Oh, yeah. Jim's sorry. Charles charles Do you get TNT? The station? Do you get TNT? Ryan ryan Yeah. I have cable and satellite as a backup. [to Pam] Yeah, I know. Two not-so-great things in a row. Ehhhh, well. Stuff happens, right? At least we got Ryan. The Rye-guy. We should call him Rye bread. We don't have to call him that. Unless you like it. We could call him that. Michael michael I can't do this. Pam pam What's that? Michael michael I can't do this. I had a real job. I sat ten feet away from my fiance. I had health benefits. I was just feeling impulsive. I should have gotten a tiny tattoo on my ankle. Pam pam Blech. Michael michael I just keep getting bored. And I let things build up and build up and then I - I, I do something too big, like this. Who does this? Pam pam Well you know what? My mom always used to say that average people are the most special people in the world. And that's why God made so many. Michael michael We don't have any money. We don't have an office. We don't have anything. Pam pam Well we should make a list. Lists are good. Lists are good. Lists are good. First on the list, let's get you out of the car. Alright. [Pam tosses list out car window] Okay... Michael michael How come out of everyone in the office, I'm the only one that went with you? Is it because I'm that stupid? I mean, your own grandmother doesn't even believe in you! Pam pam I want you to listen to me. Because I want to tell you the situation that we are both in right now, kay? You quit your job. I quit my job. We both quit. Those are the facts. That's what happened. Now, what are our choices right now? Because you know, kiddo, you quit. Michael michael Yeah. Pam pam So what are our options? Well, we can start this paper company. We can try. Or... that's it. That's our only option. Because we quit. Pam, I do my best work when people don't believe in me. I remember in high school, my math teacher told me I was gonna flunk out. And know what I did? The very next day I went out and I scored more goals than anyone else in the history of the hockey team. See what I mean? I thrive on this. I thrive on it. So I'm gonna go inside. I'm going to make some calls, I'm gonna get us an office space, and I'm going to show you why you joined this company. Okay? [Pam nods] Michael michael You gotta have some extra space. Philly, work with me here. There's gotta be some sort of secret office that you have... lurkin' around... some awesome, free, keep it off the books... Oh, no. Not there. That would be humiliating. Michael michael I did what I had to do. I stepped in. I took charge. That's what being a man is. And earlier today, I was freaking out. Pam stepped up. She was the man. Don't think a woman can be a man? Well, then that's your stereotype, not mine. Michael michael [walks into room] Okay. Michael michael I could work here. I could see this. Pam pam It's right in the middle of the paper belt. Michael michael Are you good? Pam pam Yeah, I'm good. You good? Michael michael I'm good. Pam pam You know what they say, keep your friends close. [pointing to office sign where "Dunder Mifflin" is listed right above "Michael Scott Pap"] Michael michael Michael, you're back. Charles charles Yes, I am, Charles. Michael michael Mmmhmm. Charles charles Except this time, you have no legal right to kick me out, because I have started my very own paper company right here in the building. If I were you, Charles Miner, I would watch your step. Because the Michael Scott Paper Company is about to open a big ol' can of whoopass on Dunder Mifflin. [Pam and Michael stare him down, he walks away] Actually a six pack. We're gonna open a six pack of whoopass. He looks scared. Michael michael