[cell phone rings] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. [phone keeps ringing] Hello? Dwight dwight [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Jim jim Hello? Hello? Dwight dwight Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second... Jim jim Jim, what are you doing? Dwight dwight And how many would you like? Jim jim Uh, uh, hang that up right now. Ha- Dwight dwight Absolutely. We can get that out to you immediately. Jim jim [into Jim's headset] This man is an imposter! Do not do business with him! This is not Dwight Schrute! Dwight dwight Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset. Jim jim [cell phone rings] K, fine. I'll just let it go to voicemail. Dwight dwight [presses button on headset] Hello, this is Dwight. Jim jim Hey, is this Dwight? Pam pam Yes it is. Jim jim Oh my goodness, you sound sexy. Pam pam Oh, thank you. I've been working out. Jim jim Woah, woah, woah, Pam! Dwight dwight Have you? Pam pam Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim. Dwight dwight Dwight? Pam pam No! [waves arms] Pam, I'm over here! Dwight dwight I'm confused... Pam pam Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece. Dwight dwight Can't do that. Unsanitary. Jim jim Ugh! Okay, you know what? Fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. [presses buttons on his cell phone] Done. Dwight dwight [office phone rings at Jim's desk] This is Dwight. Jim jim Oh, and I forwarded his desk phone to mine. Jim jim Oh, hello Mater. Good news: Jim jim Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came extra-early. So much energy... There are certain days you know you know you will remember for the rest of your life, and I just have a feeling that today is one of those days. Michael michael Morning. Toby toby Mornin'. [to camera] So here we go, just a matter of hours now, until his horribleness has left the building. I'm going to set my watch alarm... And... [watch beeps] Michael michael Good morning, Kelly. Toby toby I can't believe this is your last day. How do you feel? Kelly kelly Fine. Good. Toby toby I feel weird. Kelly kelly First thing on the agenda-actually, the only thing on the agenda, is the status of Toby's going away party. Michael michael We have a buttercream cake and a slideshow of Toby. Angela angela Okay. Michael michael But so far we only have two pictures of him. Angela angela Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and uh, we need to do something very very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade and they have a band and people party in the streets... Michael michael Do you mean, leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans' funeral? Pam pam If the Devil were to explode, and evil were gone forever, what sort of party would you have? Michael michael Michael... Angela angela Like a beach blowout? Or a toga, toga- Michael michael No. You know-no! Angela angela Toga! Michael michael You always do this! We have a nice, modest party planned, and then you come in and demand the world. Let me be clear. There is simply no money for anything other than a cake and to develop a few more slides... although Toby won't be in them. Angela angela I thought that you might say that. [takes off his shoe; hums; takes out cash from shoe] Michael michael Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for fifty dollars. And lately, she has been sending me, like nine or ten checks a year... uh, as Nana starts to... but, I knew I should be saving it for something, I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. "Michael, buy a motorcycle." So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now. Michael michael I want a party that makes me feel like I am flying through the air without this... ugly weight holding me down, you know?... I want an antigravity machine. I saw it in a movie. You drink a potion, and then you just start floating all around. Michael michael So how much antigravity potion do you want? Pam pam No! No! You know what? This is not a party-planning committee anymore! And I don't want your foot money, and I feel uncomfortable participating. Angela angela Phyllis, can you do this? Michael michael [whispers] Yes. Phyllis phyllis Hi, can I help you? Pam pam Hi. Yes, uh, I'm Holly Flax. I was told to ask for a Mr. Flenderson? Holly holly As part of my last day I'm training the new Human Resources rep in the ways of the company. Again, the company has allotted for this training-one day. Toby toby So this is H.R. This is your desk. Toby toby I love the view. Holly holly Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Toby toby Hey. [kisses Jim on cheek] Pam pam Hey... What? Jim jim Guess who just got into the Pratt School of Design. Pam pam No way! What did I say? I said that they'd love those sketches. Congratulations! Jim jim Oh, thank you! I don't know why I doubted it, because I'm so clearly awesome! Pam pam Yes! So when do you start? Jim jim I don't know, I didn't read it carefully, I just saw "congratulations" and I skimmed the list, I saw my name, I came in here to tell you and get a snack. Pam pam Wow. Busy morning. Jim jim So, you know it means I have to go to New York for three months... Pam pam It's not a big deal. I'll come visit you. And you'll visit me. It's only two hours away. It'll be fine. That part's gonna suck, but it'll be great. Jim jim Yeah, it sucks, but it'll be great. Pam pam See how easy that is? Jim jim Ohh... [they hug; she laughs] Pam pam I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So, the timing's perfect... And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here! Pam pam Hey, Stanley... Toby toby Hmm? Stanley stanley I want to introduce you to... Toby toby [watching from his office] Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow. Michael michael So what do we know about her? Dwight dwight Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So, strike one, I hate her already. Michael michael I hate her too. Dwight dwight Why do you hate her? Michael michael Because she... stinks... with her... ways... and her... head. Dwight dwight You know, Dwight, sometimes... I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me. Michael michael Would that be such a bad thing? Dwight dwight Yeah! It would! Just have a thought. Have an original thought. Although, I will agree that her head is weird. You know what we need to do? Michael michael What? Dwight dwight We need to sell her an elevator pass. Michael michael But our, our elevator doesn't require a pa... [gasps] Dwight dwight Exactly. A little old-fashioned hazing. Michael michael Hi. Are there any local companies that rent antigravity machines? Phyllis phyllis Antigravity machines? Woman over Speakerphone woman-over-speakerphone That's right. Yeah. Phyllis phyllis What do they do exactly? Woman over Speakerphone woman-over-speakerphone They make you feel lighter... Phyllis phyllis Antigravity... Um... Anti...depressants? I could put you through to someone on that. Woman over Speakerphone woman-over-speakerphone Okay. Phyllis phyllis [knock on door] Yeah. Michael michael Hey Michael. Toby toby Oh, hey, do you still work here? Michael michael I'd like to introduce you to my replacement. Toby toby Nah. Michael michael Come on. Toby toby No. I think I will pass. Michael michael Michael Scott, this is Holly. Toby toby Hi. Holly holly Hi. Yeah. Right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, God, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here: Michael michael Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet. Michael michael [shaking Holly's hand] The pleasure's all mine. Creed creed Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here. Holly holly Any time. Creed creed What do you do here? Holly holly ...Excuse me. Creed creed What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. "What do I do?"... Really, what do I do here? I should've written it down. "Qua" something, uh... qua... quar... quibo, qual...quir-quabity. Quabity assuance! No. No, no, no, no, but I'm getting close. Creed creed [whispering] Have you been introduced to Kevin? Dwight dwight No. Which one's Kevin? [they glance over at Kevin subtly, who is stifling a giggle] Holly holly He's here on a special work program. He's slow, you know, in his brain. Dwight dwight Oh. Good for you guys. Holly holly Yeah. Dwight dwight Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked. Dwight dwight Accounting department, listen up. Holly, Human Resources. Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. [accountants mumble hellos] Dwight dwight Hello. Hello. [to Kevin] Hi. Holly holly Hi. Kevin kevin What do you do? Holly holly I do the numbers. Kevin kevin Oh, good for you. Holly holly Do you want a M&M? Kevin kevin Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you though. Holly holly Yeah. I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them. Kevin kevin Well that is a very safe place for them. Holly holly Yeah. Kevin kevin Here she is! Holly... You know, if we hung Holly from the ceiling, we'd have to kiss underneath of her. So-I know. Oh, sorry. Question, are you real, or are you a Hollygram? Michael michael Oh... [laughs along] Nice, I've never heard that one before actually. Holly holly I bet. Michael michael That's good. Holly holly I bet. Are these guys boring your ears off? Michael michael No, no, I... Holly holly Oh... What, um, what is your commute like? How long does it take to get in? Michael michael Ooh, uh... Holly holly You know, I should make you a mix. Do you have a, uh, a CD player? Michael michael Um... Y-yeah. Okay. Holly holly All right. Michael michael Thanks. Holly holly Yep. Michael michael Great. Holly holly Do you like it? It's a photo of everyone in the office. So you can take it to Costa Rica. Pam pam You're-you're not in it. Toby toby Well I was taking the picture. Pam pam I love it. I love it... I would love a picture of the two of us, to also take to Costa Rica. Toby toby Sure, do you have a camera here? Pam pam No, uh... [shouts] Does anyone have a camera here? [no one answers him] No one has a camera here. Uh... Toby toby Okay... Pam pam I'm gonna... I'll go get one. Stay. [runs out of the office] Toby toby [on the phone] So I just got the fax closing the sale, and uh, it's big. It is really big. Jim jim Congratulations! Ryan ryan Thanks. Jim jim Don't interrupt. Ryan ryan I just- Jim jim Congratulations on doing your job. Did you enter the sale on the website? Ryan ryan No, I didn't. I just logged it in right here, so... Jim jim All right, try to be a team player here, Jim. Log it in the website. Ryan ryan All right, well it already went through, so... Jim jim Don't worry about that. Just re-log it. [hangs up] Ryan ryan Hello? Jim jim [listening to "Crash Into Me" on his computer] Hmm... Jim? [Jim comes into his office] I am downloading some N3P... Michael michael That's not it. Jim jim Music... Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim For a CD mix tape... Michael michael Close. Jim jim For Holly. Michael michael Mmhmm. Jim jim And I'm looking for perfect songs that work on two levels. Michael michael What are the two levels? Jim jim The two levels being, uh, "Welcome to Scranton"... Michael michael Mmhmm. Jim jim And "I... love you." Michael michael Okay. Let's start with the "I love you" level. Jim jim Hey, what's the group that was from Scranton that made it big? Was that U2? Michael michael Yes. You don't love Holly. Jim jim I think I do. Michael michael But you just met her. Jim jim Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was-no, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears. Michael michael Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that. Jim jim Well, you're not a romantic. Michael michael Actually, I think I am. And I have a little bit of experience in office romance. Jim jim Oh really? Michael michael Yeah. Jim jim Like, with who? Michael michael We've been through this. Jim jim Pam? Michael michael Yes, we are still dating. And guess what? I took it slow. Jim jim Yeah, you took it too slow. Michael michael Well, we're really happy. Jim jim This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me. Michael michael And that's really sweet. And you can think that. But you don't say that out loud, and you definitely don't say it to her. Jim jim I don't want her to get away. Michael michael I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, the first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was, in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and, I remember that. The first time we kissed even, was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really really well, like I did, right here at work. Jim jim I was thinking... fireworks for the party. What do you think? Jim jim Oh boy. I appreciate your help, but I can't... Phyllis phyllis Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just meant I wanted to pay to have fireworks at the party. Jim jim Why would you do that? Phyllis phyllis Because I'm gonna miss Toby. Yep, he's a heck of a guy, and I think we should send him off right. It doesn't matter. Here ya go. [hands her an envelope with money in it] Jim jim Really? Phyllis phyllis Well we all want a good party, right? Jim jim I'm going to propose tonight. Holy crap! Jim jim Hey Kevin. Holly holly Hi. Kevin kevin Do you need some help? Holly holly I can't decide what to get. Kevin kevin Well, what do you like to eat? Holly holly Well I like pretzels, but, I really like chips. Kevin kevin Hmm. Well how much money do you have there? [looks at the change in his hand] Okay, let's see... fifty... Oh, this is a button. Okay. Fifty-five, sixty-five, okay, you have seventy-five cents. So, that means you could get anything up in the top row. Holly holly Hmm... Kevin kevin I'm totally gonna bang Holly! She is cute, and helpful, and she really seems into me. Kevin kevin [on phone, leaving a message] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what? I really don't care, because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you don't think I care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [hangs up and exhales sharply] Jim jim [tool clicking] Damn it! Holly holly Hello, Holly. [Holly is on the floor with her desk chair in pieces] Woah, what are you doing? You don't, uh, you don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them actually. Michael michael Oh, I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair and... that made this up/down lever thing not work, and then I took the whole chair apart, and that... is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? You know, I'm gonna sell the movie rights. Holly holly And the sequel, "Woman Stands at Desk and Works." So, I have no idea how you, [he sits on the floor] how you sit like that. Michael michael Yoga. Holly holly [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [laughs nervously] Yo-da. Um... Michael michael [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece, you will. Holly holly So are you in down this weekend? Cause, I'm not-I'm not... I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town. Michael michael Ohh, so you can't make my orgy? Kidding! Holly holly Kidding. [overdramatically] Acting! Michael michael [overdramatically] Acting! Holly holly [overdramatically] Acting! Michael michael [laughs] Lovitz. Holly holly Yeah. Michael michael I did it! [exhales] Michael michael What'd you do? Jim jim I talked to her-Holly. Just pleasantries, nothing, you know... not like, do you want kids or, religion, or what side of the bed do you want. Hey, I can take either side of the bed at this point. Michael michael Wow. Okay, so how'd that feel? Jim jim It was hard. I wanted to kiss her. Michael michael Oh, I'm so glad you didn't. Jim jim Whew, oh God. [inhales] Laying a base. Laying a base... Michael michael There you go. There's plenty of base-laying left, right?... Hey. Hey! Jim jim [giddy] Yeah... Michael michael Hello Angela. Phyllis phyllis Phyllis, you look like you're gonna have a heart attack. Angela angela Can I get a list of your vendors? Phyllis phyllis I shredded it. Angela angela Why would you do that? Phyllis phyllis Gosh, I just don't know. Why do you think? Angela angela [knocks files off desk] Sorry. Phyllis phyllis [Michael and Holly are still working on the chair] What'd you guys do? Toby toby Oh, there he is. Thought you had gone home already. Why don't you go home, and come back for the party? Michael michael Well, we still have to do the exit interview. Toby toby Yes we do. Michael michael I'll let you in on a little secret: Michael michael [Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I... Toby toby Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend. Michael michael [enters conference room] Hello. Holly holly Hey! Hi, good to see you. Michael michael You too. Holly holly I'm just having a little exit interview. Michael michael Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here. Holly holly Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don't you take a tour? Have you seen the baler? Michael michael No, no, I'll look at it later. It's part of my job. Holly holly Okay. Michael michael [enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes? Pam pam Hi Pam. Stay. Toby toby Okay. Pam pam Um... Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um... Who do you think you are? Michael michael I'm Toby. Toby toby Yeah. Correct. Um... What gives-what-what gives you the right? Michael michael Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look? Holly holly Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I'll take a little look-see. Michael michael Here you go. Holly holly Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin? Michael michael This place, um... Toby toby Well, no no no no no... Michael michael I've got some ideas, I guess... Toby toby No no no no no. I'm not asking it. I'm just reading it out loud. Michael michael Oh, I'd like to hear the answer. Holly holly Well let me see... I would, uh... Toby toby [hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I'll kill you. Michael michael I guess everything's okay. Toby toby I made it this far, right? What's the point? Toby toby Toby, why don't you open your present? Pam pam Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think... that I don't even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which... Michael michael [unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] "Suck on this." Toby toby What the hell is that? Michael michael Michael... Pam pam That's... What do you mean, "Michael"? That's not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?! Michael michael You did. Dwight dwight No! Michael michael You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face] Dwight dwight Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is... a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby. Michael michael So what is your gift? Pam pam My gift is forthcoming, Pam. Michael michael What is it? Pam pam I am going to give Toby... Michael michael Your watch? Pam pam ...Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that? Michael michael I just knew. Pam pam How did you know? Michael michael Oh that is so sweet. Holly holly Well... That's my watch. Michael michael Thanks, I'm gonna set it to Costa Rica time. Toby toby Hey, that's good. Michael michael [from outside the conference room] Hey, it's the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It's the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim's computer] Creed creed Oh my gosh. Dwight dwight It's the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen] Creed creed Is that the police? Pam pam Yes. Dwight dwight Mm-hmm. Creed creed Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan's big project was the website... which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: Oscar oscar [still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan... Oh my God. Michael michael I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, "Hi Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison." Kelly kelly Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? Jim jim Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver] Pam pam [clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up] Jim jim What's protocol on this? Holly holly I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn't- [Holly knocks on Michael's door] Toby toby Michael, are you okay? Holly holly [voice straining] I'm just worried about my friend. Michael michael Oh, of course you are. Holly holly Just, I'm fine. I'm holding it together. I-I have a business to run. Michael michael No, hey. Holly holly I'm cool. Michael michael Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He's your friend. You know what I usually find?... Holly holly Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level. Michael michael [everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house! Kevin kevin Kevin, take your shoes off first! Phyllis phyllis No antigravity machine, huh? Michael michael Sorry, Michael, I don't think they're real. Phyllis phyllis Ferris wheel's pretty cool though. Michael michael Wow. Look at our parking lot. Pam pam Yeah, who'd have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles] Jim jim Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn't he? No, he's not... Is he? Pam pam Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up. Holly holly That's what she... a lot of places are like that. Michael michael I think it's really cool you hired Kevin. Holly holly Thanks. Michael michael You have it? Dwight dwight Almost. [she unlocks Holly's car] Meredith meredith Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car] Dwight dwight I like, uh... Michael michael That-That's my car. Holly holly Hey. What are you doing? Michael michael [Mose drops cage and runs] Mose! Dwight dwight What the hell is going on here?! Michael michael N-nothing you need to know the details of. Dwight dwight There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight! Michael michael N-no there's not. Dwight dwight Why did you do that? Michael michael It was playful hazing. Dwight dwight No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right? Michael michael It's not rabid. Dwight dwight Shh... Michael michael Thanks for bringing that up. Meredith meredith Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out. Dwight dwight I'm really sorry. Michael michael Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here. Holly holly Yeah... Michael michael I just... Um, excuse me. Holly holly Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what... wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn't believe in showing affection, so... sometimes I don't know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh... I like it! [giggles] Michael michael Hey Mrs. Vance, we're all out! Vance Refrigeration Guy vance-refrigeration-guy Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay. Phyllis phyllis Cool! You drive your own car? Holly holly Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car? Kevin kevin Yep. Just like you. Holly holly Okay, bye. Kevin kevin Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you. Holly holly [on microphone] Alright! Let's hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let's also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Michael michael [everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis! Pam pam Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter. Michael michael Song parody writer. Pam pam I have done things like um, "Beers in Heaven." Michael michael Classic. Jim jim Or, "Total Eclipse of the Fart." Michael michael Not my favorite, but... Jim jim I like that one. Pam pam It's not my favorite... Jim jim I like that one. Pam pam I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, "Goodbye Stranger"? Supertramp? Michael michael Yeah. [music starts] Darryl darryl [sings] It was early morning yesterday... I was up before the dawn... and I really have enjoyed my stay... Toby must be movin' on. Michael michael I'm gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office. Pam pam [singing] Goodbye Toby, it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise... Michael michael Don't tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute. Pam pam [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby's goin' away! See ya! He's outta here! See ya! He's outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by! Michael michael Not bad. Holly holly Oh, hey. Thanks. Michael michael Someday I would love to hear "Beers in Heaven." Holly holly Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It's uh, it's uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy. Michael michael Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here. Kevin kevin Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back. Michael michael No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there's something that you need to see. Kevin kevin What is it? Michael michael Just hurry. [hangs up] Kevin kevin Is he okay? Holly holly Yeah. He's at the supermarket and he needs me. Michael michael Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket... it's a big day for him. Holly holly Yeah, that's true. Don't move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I'll-okay, I'll be back. Michael michael Well it was good to see you. Jan jan It was great to see you, Jan. Kevin kevin Yeah, so... Jan jan O-kay. Hello Jan. Michael michael Hello... Michael. Jan jan Wow, Kevin, really? We're- [to Jan] Sorry. We're in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here? Michael michael Yeah, Michael, I just uh... Kevin kevin I... Jan jan I think you kids have a lot to catch up on. Kevin kevin Oh, okay. Michael michael Yeah. Kevin kevin Thanks, Kevin. Um... [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan's pregnant belly] Michael michael Wow. I can't believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous? Michael michael No. Jan jan Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you? Michael michael Uh, no. Jan jan Good. Good. Thank God. Michael michael I didn't... Jan jan Cause that's... Michael michael ... touch that. Jan jan Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy... Michael michael Why? Jan jan Because you're pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very... Michael michael Yeah, it did... Jan jan ... proud. Michael michael ... happen when... Jan jan Um... Michael michael ... we were together. That's true. And-but, you... are not... uh, you're not the dad. Jan jan You cheated on me... when I specifically asked you not to? Michael michael ...Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not. Jan jan Well, okay... Michael michael Yeah. Jan jan So it's mine, and it's not somebody else's, so... I know... the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so... Michael michael I went to a sperm bank. Jan jan You did? Michael michael Yuh-huh. Jan jan When we were going out? Michael michael Uh, yeah. Jan jan W-I don't understand. You always used to be very cautious... I'd wear two condoms. Michael michael I know. Jan jan You'd rather have somebody else's sperm than my sperm? Michael michael No, no no... it's not just any sperm bank. I mean, it's really... this is a really, really great place. It's amazing, actually. I'm gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It's... and it's-in fact, it's right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables. Jan jan IHop. Michael michael IHop. Jan jan If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let's let Michael have a shot at one of 'em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count. Jan jan Oh, that's really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table. Jan jan I'm glad you told me. Michael michael Look, I don't know what you're gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um... you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner... Jan jan Um, I'll... I have to think about it. Michael michael Okay. Jan jan My whole life, I have known two things: Michael michael Oh look, they're starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl's band plays soft music] Pam pam [to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you're never ever throwing a party again. Angela angela [gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey... Jim jim [on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can't think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off... My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head 'no'] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl's keyboard] Andy andy Unh! Damn it! Darryl darryl Angela, will you do me the honor... of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring] Andy andy ...Okay. Angela angela Into the mic, sweetie. Andy andy I said, okay. Angela angela She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply] Andy andy I've been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don't know when you're gonna meet the right girl and the moment's gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything... it was right. Andy andy Can I be your bridesmaid? Kelly kelly No. Angela angela Well... it's my own fault. Dwight dwight Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I'm engaged! Andy andy I know. That's awesome, man. That's great. Jim jim Mr. Andrew Bernard... it's got a nice ring to it. Andy andy Hey. Hey, you know, I just realized uh, I don't have a picture of the two of us. Toby toby Oh, yeah, um... Pam pam Yeah, could we... Toby toby Sure. Meredith, do you mind? Pam pam [hands Meredith his camera] This one right here. Toby toby Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let's do it again. Pam your smile is weird. Meredith meredith It's digital, so just take as many as you want. Toby toby One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture] Meredith meredith I don't know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight... Pam pam Hey there. Holly holly Hey. Michael michael So you missed something really big. Holly holly Yeah? Michael michael Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants. Holly holly Oh, wow. Michael michael I'm not so specific as I can be on my first day, but... Holly holly Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh... Michael michael So... You know, somehow after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or... Holly holly Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there. Michael michael Okay. Holly holly I'll go to the diner with you. Kevin kevin Oh that would be great. Holly holly Yeah, we can go eat pie. Kevin kevin I love pie. Holly holly Me too. Kevin kevin Okay. Holly holly Have a good night. Michael michael Okay. Good night. Holly holly Bye. Michael michael Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in. Holly holly Well this is it. I am here to see you off. Michael michael Thanks... [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael? Toby toby Sorry. Corporate policy. Michael michael It's not. Toby toby You might take something. Michael michael I don't think he's gonna take anything. Hank hank Okay, security guard. Michael michael [watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of... alarm. Toby toby Okay. Michael michael [on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it's Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there's any details you need to fill me in on, like... what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I... will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be... kind of a daddy. Michael michael Party planning's a real high. Like a runner's high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out] Phyllis phyllis [sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God! Angela angela What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands] Dwight dwight This is Jim Halpert... Toby toby Hi. Jim jim And Pam Beesly. Toby toby Oh, Pam! Toby says such nice things about you. Holly holly [to Toby] Thank you! Pam pam He didn't mention me, did he? Jim jim Oh, no, he said you were a really good salesman. Holly holly Thanks, Toby. Jim jim You're welcome. Toby toby I've always gotten along well with Toby. Uh, we're friends. But I don't think we'll stay in touch necessarily. I think I'll probably get updates on him from Pam. Jim jim Oh, I think that makes us neighbors. Holly holly It's a couple streets over. Meredith meredith Oh, maybe you can show me some of the fun hangouts, and where to get my nails done. Holly holly Sure! That sounds fun! Meredith meredith Great. Holly holly I hate that bitch. I wanna cut her face. [Dwight walks by and hears] Meredith meredith Stop! Don't look at me. On the counter you will find bread, peanut butter, and jelly. Pretend to make yourself a sandwich. Dwight dwight Pretend? Or really make one? Meredith meredith Really make one. Dwight dwight Make your own [bleep]in' sandwich. Meredith meredith Will you please? Make a sandwich. Now, according to my sources, you have an issue with the new H.R. woman. Well, so do I. And so does our secret benefactor. That's too much peanut butter. What I propose is a good old-fashioned hazing, and I need your help. If you choose to accept this mission...Wipe the knife off before you stick it in the jelly. Have you ever made a sandwich before? Dammit, Meredith! Dwight dwight [on phone] Well, who can do a party of this size? But you're in the business, you must surely know of some other businesses. Okay, well, I JUST WANT A DAMN DANCE FLOOR! Sorry. So sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, I'm so sorry. Um, thanks for your time. [knock on door] What? Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'what' like that, it was really rude. Phyllis phyllis Scared me. How's the party planning going? Jim jim Jim, I am so f[bleep]ed. Phyllis phyllis So it's going great, sounds like. Jim jim I don't know, I'm not used to the stress. Phyllis phyllis When I was growing up, my mom said, "the sky's the limit." I could do anything. Be a teacher's aide, nurse's assistant, some kind of volunteer. But now, I, I'm not so sure. Phyllis phyllis This is a picture I've been carrying around in my wallet for about six years. It's this unspoiled beach in Costa Rica, Playa Grande. Um, I take it out when I get stressed or depressed, and it really calms me down. Never thought I'd get to live here, you know. But it turns out they built these great new condos there, so, this could be me, right around, uh, where the trees used to be. Toby toby Hey. Toby toby Hey. Jim jim Hey. Pam pam Hey. Toby toby Did you just buy that? Pam pam Yeah, I guess it will be my, uh, thing in Costa Rica, be a nature photographer. Toby toby That's cool. Jim jim Yeah. Um, you mind if I get a picture? Toby toby Sure! Jim jim Think you could...[wants to hand the camera to Jim, but Jim is starting to snuggle up with Pam, posing. Toby aims the camera, the flash pops up] Okay. [takes picture] Okay. Toby toby Good one? [Toby puts on the lens cover and scurries away awkwardly] That's a cool camera. Jim jim Okay, this is the second time in two days that the website isn't working. Do you guys know anything about it? Jim jim The website is hiding, forming alliances with other sites, preparing an attack for which we will have no defense. Dwight dwight Do you honestly believe that? Jim jim Yes, I do. Dwight dwight I'm gonna get a second opinion. Jim jim It was down for a couple hours yesterday, then back up, and now I've heard from a very reliable source that it is once again out of commission. And that reliable source is you. Andy andy Okay, you could just say you don't know what's going on. Jim jim Um, I do, 'cause I just told you. Andy andy Is Ryan gonna fire me? I don't know. I know that I've done everything I can, and I just brought in a huge sale, and... am I insane, or was this kid a temp two years ago? Because in the three years that he's been here, I think all he's ever done is start a fire and grow a beard. And it's not even a good beard. Jim jim Troy Undercook, for Michael. Troy troy Ahh! I'm sorry, I didn't, I didn't see you come in. Pam pam Troy! What are you doing here? Dwight dwight Just filling in for Ryan, as a favor. Troy troy Where is Ryan? Dwight dwight He had an urgent matter in New York. Troy troy Welcome to our land. Dwight dwight Dwight. [to Troy] Michael will be out in a second. Pam pam Can I get you a tankard of mead? Dwight dwight Hey, Troy, can you do me a huge favor? Next time you see Ryan, can you tell him to check his messages? That'd be great. Jim jim If I see him, I'll tell him. Troy troy Why wouldn't you see him? You work for him. Jim jim I report to Wallace now. Troy troy Okay, what's going on? Jim jim Looks serious. Dwight dwight What's a... Someone someone Oh, my God. Michael michael Troy, do you know anything about this? Dwight dwight Maybe I do. Troy troy Maybe I do. Enough of your magical riddles! Dwight dwight And if the food stations are here and here... no! Here and here. Drinks here, then people can mingle. But then where would the band go? Phyllis phyllis Mmm. Well, what about there? Bob Vance bob-vance Mmm, no Bob, I don't know. Phyllis phyllis It's times like these, I wish my mother were with me right now. She'd show me what to do. That's stupid; she's not here. [looks at watch] She's at water aerobics for the next forty-five minutes. Phyllis phyllis Why don't we eat more corn dogs? They're delicious. Stanley stanley Totally, they're the best. Oscar oscar Corn dogs should be the standard. Corn dogs should be called hot dogs, and hot dogs should be called bad dogs. Stanley stanley Why don't we make corn burgers? Oscar oscar [chuckling] What a messed up world. Stanley stanley Seriously, do you like my idea? Corn burgers. Oscar oscar I need you to make an announcement that this party is a disaster. Angela angela But I don't think it's a disaster. I think it's fun, and I like the food. Andy andy Deep fried Twinkies? It's gross! Angela angela Is that what that is? Andy andy Yes. Angela angela You know what, I didn't try those. [reaches for one] I could try this. Augh! Fried Twinkies, you kidding me? Starting to wonder about the food in this place [takes a bite]. Oh, God! That is so good. Andy andy When I had my colitis, Toby was very helpful. He gave me seven weeks off. When I had my acid reflux, Toby was not as helpful. So I'm mixed on Toby. Stanley stanley Toby Flenderson, come on up here. Michael michael Uh, no, that's okay. Toby toby Come on, no, no, no. Michael michael Toby! Come on, Toby! Coworkers coworkers Toby! Michael michael Toby! Toby! Toby! Coworkers coworkers Okay, okay, I'm going. Toby toby Toby has written a fantastic speech for you, he spent a year on it. It's very funny and charming and heartwarming. And it rhymes, and if it's not any good, he has instructed us all to storm the stage and beat him to a bloody pulp. [laughs] No! So, take it away, Toby! Whoo! Michael michael Well, uh, okay. Um. It's really great to be here tonight, with the Ferris wheel, the band, and the low sunlight. I'm gonna miss you all when I go to Costa Rica, and if I keep drinking beer like this, I'm gonna have to take a leak-a. [laughter from audience, Michael looks at camera unhappily] Look, on a more personal note, I just want to say thanks, you know, no matter what was going on in my life, you know, my divorce, or the custody battle, or that thing with my sister, it was just nice knowing I had a, a supportive place to come to where... Toby toby Ach, [to Darryl quietly] okay, okay, play the cutoff music. Michael michael No. Darryl darryl I'm gonna really miss going to beers with you guys every Tuesday night [Pam holds up soda in salute, Meredith yells 'yeah!', Michael looks at camera] and lastly, I'd love to urge you to keep up with my fight to have the building checked for radon gas. You know, it's a, it's a real serious matter, and every time I try to have the, uh... Toby toby Blah, blah, blah, blah... Michael michael ...building looked into... Toby toby ...blah, blah, overstaying your welcome! Let's keep it moving! Let's keep it moving! Toby, everybody! Michael michael I gave Toby my buddy Jorge's number in Costa. He'll hook Toby up with everything: cable TV, women, oh, and this amazing coffee to snort. Creed creed