[Dressed as Dwight] It's kind of blurry. [puts on his glasses] That's better. [exhales] Question. What kind of bear is best? Jim jim That's a ridiculous question. Dwight dwight False. Black bear. Jim jim Well that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought-- Dwight dwight Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica. Jim jim Bears do not-- What is going on-- What are you doing?! Dwight dwight Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [Jim calculates the total on his calculator-watch] eleven dollars. Jim jim You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Dwight dwight ... MICHAEL! Jim jim Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL! Dwight dwight [on phone] Yes, I understand. Can I transfer you to customer relations? Pam pam [on phone] Absolutely. I couldn't be more sorry about this. Jim jim [on phone] I know, I know. We're all trying to get to the bottom of this. Phyllis phyllis [on phone] I am upset. Don't I sound upset? Stanley stanley [on phone] It is disgusting. I totally agree. Well, we're going to recalling all of that paper. Michael michael We have a crisis. Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24 pound cream butter stock. Five hundred boxes has gone out, with the image of a beloved cartoon duck, performing... unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan. Michael michael Everybody in here. STAT. No time to lose. Cri-Man-Squa. F and C, doubletime. Michael michael Cri-Man-Squa? Dwight dwight Crisis Management Squad. Michael michael F and C, doubletime? Ryan ryan Front and Center. Twice as fast as you would normally go. Any other questions? Michael michael One more. Why are you talking like that? Jim jim To save time, Jim. Michael michael Actually I think you could make the argument that it wastes time. Karen karen Yeah, she has a good point. I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it, it actually took up more time. Pam pam You know what? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh! Forget it. Where is Creed? Michael michael Here. Creed creed Creed. Quality assurance. Your job. I really think you screwed the pooch on one, Creed. Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy. Michael michael Every week I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill. And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens. Creed creed We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at threat level midnight. Accounting, you are on customer service duty today. Michael michael That's really not our job. Oscar oscar Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry, Kelly will be training you first. Michael michael Kelly's training us? Angela angela This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This day is bananas! B-A-N-A- Kelly kelly [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing. Angela angela Jim, big fire in your house. Your client, Dunmore High-school, sent out their prom invitations on this paper. Went home to all the kids. Michael michael Yeah, I gotta call out on that. Jim jim No, no, no, no. Not good enough. This is a keystone account. I want you in the school. In person. Michael michael All right. Jim jim I want you to bring a partner. Michael michael I'll go. Ryan ryan No, sweet cheeks. We need someone who's actually made a sale. Andy, you go. Michael michael [English accent] William Dolittle at your service. A.K.A., Will Do. Andy andy Yeah, I'm definitely gonna go alone. Jim jim No, no. I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME! Guys, get on this. Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference. Michael michael Yes! You are entering the "No Spin Zone!" Dwight dwight We're having a press conference? Pam pam No, Pam. The press is just gonna find out by themselves. Michael michael Not! [scoffs] Dwight dwight Here's the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That's what happened to O.J. Michael michael I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here, and meet with me, for a personal apology. The press wants a story, I will give them a story. Michael michael Oh, did the press ask for a story? Jim jim Here is your headline. "Scranton Area Paper Company, Dunder Mifflin, apologizes to valued client. Some companies still know how business is done." Okay? Battle stations everybody, let's go, go, go, go, go, go! Michael michael Yes, hello. Creed Bratton, Quality Assurance, Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there. And I'm trying to remember who it was. Mm-hmm. Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown. And which day was that? Wednesday, the eleventh. Perfect. Creed creed The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man. Creed creed Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. [Kelly and Kevin clap] Kelly kelly I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls. Oscar oscar I know, right? Probably a lot. Kelly kelly Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Angela angela OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, [in an English accent] and I talked like this for the whole conversation! Kelly kelly Oh! Can I be [horrible Australian accent] Australian, mate? Kevin kevin [in accent] Absolutely! Kelly kelly [in accent] 'ello, mate! Kevin kevin [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend. Kelly kelly [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies. Kevin kevin Beer me! Andy andy What's that? Jim jim Hand me that water. I always say "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time. So how's what's-her-name? Andy andy You know her name. Jim jim Who, Karen? Yeah, she's only one of my oldest friends. [takes swig of water] Mmm. How's the apartment hangin'? Andy andy It's fine. Jim jim Nice. Check out this sunshine, man. Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold, I bet. Andy andy What about music? Do you have any music? Jim jim Uh, yeah. Should have said so. [sings] Rha-dah-dah-dah! Give me the beat, boys, and free my soul. I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away-he-hay. Ruu-da-doo-da-doo, ba-dit-da-doo-da-dun, Give me the beat, boys, and free my little-ole-soul, I wa- Andy andy I was thinkin' about more like a CD, or... a CD. Jim jim Your call, dude. My girlfriend made an awesome mix. Beer me that disc. Andy andy Lord, beer me strength. Jim jim So, Tuna. When we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay? Andy andy Did that really need to be said? Jim jim Well not everything a guy says needs to be said. Sometimes it's just about the music of the conversation. Andy andy Whoa! What the-- Why is my girlfriend here? Andy andy Oh, is she that teacher in the white? Jim jim No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef. Andy andy Which one... is she? Jim jim The one in the green hoodie. Andy andy Wow. Jim jim I wonder if she's, like, a... a guidance counselor, or something? Andy andy No, I don't think so. Jim jim She's like, probably a tutor. Andy andy Nope. Jim jim She probably a t- Andy andy No. Jim jim Sh-- Andy andy No. Jim jim OK, press conference in 45. Dwight, make sure this place looks nice. Michael michael On it. OK, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage. Pam, run a comb through your hair. Dwight dwight First rule in road-side beet sales: Put the most attractive beets on top. The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow, I need this beet right now." Those are the money beets. Dwight dwight [Chad Lite walks in the door] [to Office workers] Hey! [snaps twice] Look sharp! [to Chad Lite] Hey! Uh, Hi. Hello, Dwight Schrute. Dwight dwight Hi, uh-- Chad Lite chad-lite And you must be uh, from the Washington Post. Dwight dwight Scranton Times. Chad Lite, "Lighter Side of Life." Chad Lite chad-lite And "Breaking Corporate News." Dwight dwight And obits. Chad Lite chad-lite Oh, dear God. OK, here are your credentials. You've been granted level three security clearance. Dwight dwight Oh... Chad Lite chad-lite Don't get too excited, that's out of 20. Right this way. Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the press room shortly. Have a seat, can I get you a beverage? Dwight dwight Uh, yeah, I'd like uh, uh-- Chad Lite chad-lite [shuts door on him] Great. Dwight dwight Oh, Andy. You know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably... Jim jim Jamie! Andy andy Andy-- Ohh... Jim jim What are you doing here? Andy andy Andy? Jamie jamie Are you a student here? Andy andy Oh... yeah... Jamie jamie You never told me you were in high-school! Andy andy This is weird. I... gotta go to Spanish. Jamie jamie OH MY GOD! Andy andy Oh my God. Jim jim I had no idea. Andy andy Well... that's not gonna hold up in court. Jim jim Huh... We didn't do anything illegal. Except knock over a mailbox with her friends. Andy andy [on phone] Sir, yes, you have a valid point. I'm sorry. No, I am so sorry. Kevin kevin [on phone] Really, Dixon City? ...Carbondale. Oscar oscar [on phone] Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault. And I've already told you, the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me. [hangs up] Angela angela OK, first, I just wanna say that you are doing sooo good. Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might wanna work on is, apologizing? Kelly kelly When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment. Creed creed Emergency dentist appointment. Dwight dwight Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu. I'm a trusting guy, but uh, I just wish Debbie Brown had been there. We would have caught this. Creed creed Yes, I'll be sure someone returns your call. I'm so sorry. Bye. Pam pam Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott. Barbara barbara Mrs. Allen is our most important client... because every client is our most important client. Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really. Michael michael And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident. And, as a gesture of gratitude, for your continued loyalty, Mrs. Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check, for six months of free paper or 25 reams, whichever comes first. Michael michael [snaps picture with his camera phone] You look good in this. Dwight dwight So, let us consider this matter ended. Michael michael Well it isn't ended. I'm... I'm very angry. I-- I could have lost business. Barbara barbara I know, I know you're angry. And we are truly, truly sorry. Michael michael I don't accept your apology. The watermark was obscene and horrifying. Barbara barbara Well, we are extremely sorry. Michael michael I don't accept. Barbara barbara I'll be with you in a moment. School Official school-official All right. Jim jim Who was that guy she was talking to? At her locker. Andy andy Not important. Because you're not dating her. Because it's a felony. Jim jim But who was that guy? Andy andy Probably another high-school student. Jim jim The issue with the watermark is very serious. School Official school-official Absolutely. Jim jim We teach our students that character counts. School Official school-official And you should. Jim jim But-- School Official school-official [scoffs] Pfft. You don't teach it well enough. One of your students is a bitch. Andy andy Andy... is having a real rough day today. Jim jim I want to take out an ad, in your yearbook. A full page, two words-- Andy andy "Good luck." Jim jim That's not what I had in mind. Andy andy Ask where he's from. Kelly kelly [on phone] Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice. So what do you want? [to Kelly] He's upset about the watermark. Angela angela OK, great. Now tell him that it was an unfortunate error, and we're doing everything we can do to fix it, and that you're sorry. Kelly kelly [on phone] It was an unfortunate error. We're fixing it. And you already got your money back... Angela angela And you're sorry. Kelly kelly ...and the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not. [hangs up] [to Kelly] I think he had Tourette's or something! Angela angela We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again. Michael michael Well, it-- it doesn't help, because it already happened to me. Barbara barbara The watermark... it's a one time thing. Michael michael I don't care! It was disgusting. Cartoon characters having sex? Barbara barbara May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling. Dwight dwight OK... Michael michael I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doin' a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right. Dwight dwight What... can I do, for you? Michael michael I, for starters, I think that you should resign. Barbara barbara Well... [exhales] OK, well... Um, wasn't really my fault. The guys at the papermill-- Michael michael You're the head-- Barbara barbara The guys at the papermill-- No no no! Michael michael You're the head of the company! Barbara barbara I'm the head of the company?! Michael michael Yes, and that makes it your responsibility-- Barbara barbara No, I'm a regional manager-- Michael michael And so you should lose your job! Barbara barbara No-- my-- OK, this is insane. You can get out of here. Get out! Michael michael Fine. Barbara barbara That's insane. We'll give this to somebody who will appreciate it. Michael michael Mm-hmm. Barbara barbara It's non-transferable... Dwight dwight Doesn't matter. Out please! Michael michael I'm calling the Better Business Bureau. Barbara barbara Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Bi-atch Hotline! [to Chad Lite] Did you get all that? Michael michael Everything. Chad Lite chad-lite We gotta do something. [exhales] This is spinning out of control, Pam. This is just, not... Michael michael It's just the Scranton Times... Pam pam No, then Newsweek picks it up. And then CNN does a story about it. Then... YouTube gets a hold of it... Michael michael You know what? I really think the whole thing is just gonna blow over in like a week or two. Pam pam You're right. It will blow over. But it's not... going to take... a week or two. [pulls out a video camcorder from his desk] Do you know what this is for? Michael michael Yes. Pam pam Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. He says he needs a woman's touch. Pam pam [Dwight is spraying far too much hairspray into Michael's hair] OK, I think that's good. Michael michael "Hello. I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. By now you are probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner. Let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I am not leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team, to remove me from this office, and maybe not even that." Michael michael Uh, you could never withstand a SWAT team. Dwight dwight That's how devoted I am to this job. Michael michael I'm just saying... Dwight dwight I know. Michael michael They would flank you. Throw in a concussion grenade. Dwight dwight I understand that, Dwight. Michael michael You would be on the ground, blind, deaf, dumb. Dwight dwight Do you think you're taking it a little... literally, Dwight? And now we're wasting tape. I'm gonna have to cut this all out. Can you say cut? Michael michael Cut. Dwight dwight So I'll know where-- Michael michael Cut. Pam pam I'm asking Pam to do it, please. Michael michael Cut. Pam pam OK, ready? Michael michael Kevin, what's four plus seven? Angela angela [thinks] Eleven. Kevin kevin Yeah, well you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form. Angela angela Yeah, well at least I didn't suck at customer relations. Oooh, yes. Facial. Kevin kevin [laughs] Yes. [air high five] Oscar oscar You two are apes. Angela angela I expect you to apologize for that, Angela. Oscar oscar I'm sorry... that you're both morons. Angela angela Oh, but you still said "I'm sorry." Kevin kevin I called you morons. Angela angela Still said it. Kevin kevin Still said it, so... [Kevin and Oscar screw up an air high five] Oscar oscar Five, four, three. "There is no way, I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me. Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about, anyway. If I could leave you with one thought, remember... it wasn't me. They're trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day." Michael michael One day for what? Pam pam That's... they always give an ultimatum. Michael michael OK. Pam pam Good, cut? Michael michael Cut. That was your best apology video ever. Pam pam Thought so too. Michael michael [to Dwight] Got a farewell card for Debbie Brown. I thought maybe you'd like to sign it. Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there for her. She's got some children. Creed creed I feel terrible about Debbie Brown. She got fired because of Dwight. So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card, maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times. Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic. Just tragic. Creed creed You want music? Jim jim I don't care. Andy andy Come on man, just give it a couple days. I think you'll be all right. Jim jim Yeah. Andy andy [singing the intro to The Lion King's "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"] A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Jim jim You know what-- I don't-- Andy andy A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Jim jim [Joins in with classic Andy falsetto] Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Andy andy A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Jim jim Oooo-oo-oooo-ooo-oo-oooo-oo-ooo-ooo a-wi-imbube! Andy andy A-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh, a-wimowheh... Jim jim Sweet. Andy andy [walks in dressed as Jim] Pam. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight. You look really nice today. Pam pam [scoffs] Pssssh. I look like an idiot. Hey Karen. Dwight dwight Hey, Dwight, lookin' sharp. Karen karen Yeah, that's cause I'm... you're boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get t-together later and have sexual intercourse cause you're my girlfriend? Dwight dwight Do you? Jim jim No. Karen karen OK. Jim jim I'm good. Thanks. Karen karen [Dwight imitates the "Jim face"] Look at that. Jim jim I'm Jim Halpert. [more horrible "Jim faces"] Dwight dwight Spot on. Jim jim Ah-luh-luh, a little comment. Muh. Dwight dwight Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. And rest assured your voice has been heard. Okay, I'll be thinking about you all day. Kelly kelly Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Customer service, this is Kelly. Oh my God, I am so sorry, that is so messed up. Everyone here is so upset, you have no idea. I'll be thinking about you all day. Ryan ryan The key to a crisis is dealing with it right away. Like that aspirin company that sent out the poisoned aspirin in the regular aspirin bottles. If you don't act fast, you will lose customers. Michael michael Hello, CNN? I need to speak to your Scranton-area bureau chief? All right, then the bureau chief for the Greater Wilkes-Barre area? How about, ah, Lackawanna County. Okay, Northeastern Pennsylvania then. This is extremely urgent! No... you put your supervisor on the phone! Dwight dwight Customer service isn't like accounting. It's not just typing numbers into a calculator and then it tells you an answer. Kelly kelly We do a lot more than that. Oscar oscar Okay, or hand out checks, or whatever it is you do. Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you think that people don't like you. But guess what, from now on you guys are not losers! So give yourselves a round of applause. Kelly kelly I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer phone calls. Oscar oscar The annex rocks. All you need to do is make sure that you make a connection with the customer. They just wanna know that you're sorry. Do that and you'll be fine. Make sense? Kelly kelly Mm-hm. Angela angela Okay, role-playing time! Kelly kelly Alright, I think I'm trained. Angela angela Ooh, can I be a pirate? Kevin kevin [hums] Creed creed Hello. Chad Lite chad-lite Hey! Creed creed Excuse me. You're Creed Bratton, guitar player for Grass Roots in the late 1960s. Chad Lite chad-lite I am indeed. How'd you know that? Creed creed I wrote your obituary. Chad Lite chad-lite Oh, oh that's right! Good work. Thank you very much, sir [shakes hand]. Creed creed About 10 years ago, for tax reasons, I faked my own death. I've been collecting benefits as my own widow ever since. Creed creed Oh, my God! Andy andy Oh, my God! Wow. Jim jim I had no idea. Andy andy Then you did nothing wrong. We should go. Jim jim How could I not have realized? Andy andy She looks older. Jim jim Yeah, she does, doesn't she? Andy andy No. Jim jim She acts older, too. She knows everything about European history, and photosynthesis, and she made me this lanyard with, like, a Fimo clay thing. She's a real Renaissance woman. Andy andy Or a high school girl. Let's go [mouths 'wow' to the camera]. Jim jim Chicken pot pie. Andy andy What's that? Jim jim That's what I was eating, in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven for dinner. And I got out of the car to shake the crumbs off my shirt, and this smoking hot woman comes up and we strike up a conversation. Andy andy Oh. You don't have to tell me this. Jim jim She lets me buy her and her friends some wine coolers for a dinner party she's going to. Andy andy You shouldn't be talking about that. Jim jim I threw in some scratch tickets, 'cause generous guy, and next thing you know we're making out in the woods. Andy andy Hypothetically. Hypothetically you were making out in the woods. Jim jim No, we were really making out in the woods. Andy andy No, can't help you now. Jim jim I gotta go talk to her. Andy andy No. D- Jim jim With dissatisfied clients, it doesn't matter what you did. All they wanna hear is that you're sorry. They're like women that way. And this client is a woman. So when I say I'm sorry, it will be twice as effective. Michael michael So we're good? Michael michael No, we're not. Barbara Allen barbara-allen I'm sorry. Michael michael Well, okay. But I don't accept. Barbara Allen barbara-allen [whispering] Say you're sorry times infinity... Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael ...'cause there's no comeback for that. Dwight dwight All right. We are infinitely sorry. Michael michael I'm still furious. Barbara Allen barbara-allen You understand? You... you get this check. Michael michael Mmm. Barbara Allen barbara-allen Can I help you? Spanish Teacher spanish-teacher Yeah. I'm Mr. Bernard Johnson, MD. I'd like to talk with Jamie about a certain heart condition. Diagnosis: Andy andy I don't believe in apologies. When someone in the yakuza makes a mistake, they cut off a portion of their own pinky finger. And in that way, save face. And knowing the Japanese, they probably get an even better prosthetic finger. With a knife you can take out of it, or a screwdriver or a corkscrew. Dwight dwight Why am I getting all of the bad ones? Angela angela Why can't you just say you're sorry and make them feel better? Kelly kelly I'm not gonna lie and say I'm sorry when the company didn't do anything wrong. That's immoral, and this is ridiculous. Angela angela Would you, please? Please. Oscar oscar Well, you have to do what I say, okay? Because Michael put me in charge, even though you're old enough to be my mother. Kelly kelly What? Well what you say is stupid, and your job is pointless. And you're a slut and everyone thinks so. Angela angela Well, you're fired, okay? Go back to accounting, Angela. Kelly kelly Gladly. I quit. Angela angela If cartoon characters didn't have sex, then how would we get new cartoon characters? From the sex! [giggles] Kevin kevin The customer is always right. Mrs. Allen was our customer. She was wrong. Is that a contradiction? No. Because she's not our customer anymore. Michael michael Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos. My favorite is the one for his mother. Pam pam Hey, Mom. Happy birthday, belatedly. Sorry I forgot. I had put it on my calendar and Pam threw that out. Michael michael My personal favorite is the one he made for his condo association. Pam pam And without denying the seriousness of the situation, I would just like to remind you that in much of the Netherlands, swimming naked is the norm. So in Norway, you'd be the weirdos. Michael michael Okay, Andy, we need to go. Seriously. Jim jim Dude, there she is. Don't look, don't look. She's sitting with Denise. How am I supposed to do this? Denise hates me. Andy andy Don't do it. Jim jim What is your problem, man? Can't you support a bro? That's why you don't have any friends, Tuna. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I need... Andy andy That's okay. Jim jim ...your help. I love her. Andy andy What? Jim jim Yeah. I lo- I love her. Is this what love is? This, like, horrible feeling in my stomach? Andy andy No, that's your conscience. Listen to it. Jim jim Look, okay, just be my wingman. Beer me five minutes. Talk to Denise. She's really into White Russians and whippets. Andy andy Jamie, can I talk to you for a second? Andy andy Yeah. I only have a minute. Jamie jamie [sits down next to Denise] So, high school. Jim jim Do you have a cigarette? Denise denise Oh, I don't smoke. Sorry. Jim jim There's nothing to do in this town. Denise denise You should take up a musical instrument. Jim jim Yeah, I should take up that. Jamie? Denise denise Hey, uh, does Mr. Nortman still teach here? He's a jerk, right? Jim jim He's dead. Hey, do you have any weed? Denise denise No, nope. What else? What else? You watch The Hills? What is Heidi thinking? Jim jim How old are you? Denise denise How old do you think I am? Jim jim Forty? Denise denise [shakes head] Jim jim Are you someone's dad here? Denise denise Not that I know of. Jim jim Ew. What kind of car do you have? Denise denise I drive a Saab station wagon. Jim jim My dad just gave me his old Lexus. Denise denise Really? Way to earn it. Hey, Andy? Jim jim What? Andy andy Yup. Jim jim Very well [hangs up phone]. I just got a call from Debbie Brown over at the mill. She claims innocence and is willing to come over here and defend herself. Dwight dwight No time. Dwight, I love Debbie Brown. She's a close personal friend. But quality is my life. This company has a reputation to uphold. As much as it pains me, someone has to be held accountable. Creed creed You're right. Mercy is for girl-babies. Time to put this dog down. Dwight dwight Are we ready? Michael michael Final touch-ups. Dwight dwight Okay. Am I shiny? Michael michael Yeah. Dwight dwight Okay. We good? Okay, that's enough Aqua Net. Michael michael I don't know... Dwight dwight [clears throat] Stop it. Michael michael [coughs] Dwight dwight Hey, Angela. I'm sorry that I said you were old enough to be my mother. I don't know why I said that. I think I might be hypoglycemic or something, but still, it's no excuse. So, I'm very sorry. Kelly kelly Oh. Thank you, Kelly [long pause]. And I wish I hadn't called you stupid. Angela angela Do you think I'm a slut? Kelly kelly No, but some of your outfits are not appr- Angela angela Apology accepted! [hugs Angela] Kelly kelly I didn't apologize. Angela angela We're like best friends now! Kelly kelly We're not. Angela angela I'll text you! Kelly kelly Don't! Angela angela Bye, Angela! Kelly kelly Fine. Angela angela That is all I was looking for today. She got something out of my training session. I mean, she will never work in customer relations. Oh, my God, no. Never. But maybe she'll be less of a grump. Kelly kelly Kelly's not so bad. She really taught me something today [rolls eyes]. Angela angela I have literally apologized an infinite number of times on this, and there are still calls for me to resign. Calls from an annoying woman, and possibly even the media alike. Well let me tell you something, something from the heart. I will not resign. I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job, I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas, and gas prices are high. And I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign. Michael michael ...to the fullest extent of the law [hangs up phone]. Listen up, everyone! I just got off the phone with the mill. Final responsibility for Watermark-gate has been assigned. Floor manager Debbie Brown has officially been terminated. Lets give a big hand to Creed Bratton, without whose earnest and diligent sleuthing this scandal might never have been resolved [claps]. Dwight dwight Just doing my job, guys. Creed creed