So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Michael michael Who is this guy again? Oscar oscar Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. Michael michael Who uses calling cards anymore? Ryan ryan You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. Michael michael This sounds like a get rich quick scheme. Oscar oscar Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will! Michael michael Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email? Toby toby You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Alright. Michael michael No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? Jim jim Alright, let me explain. Again. [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... [Jim draws a triangle around Michael's diagram] ... I have to go make a call. Michael michael Happy birthday Michael. Pam pam Oh ho ho! What? Michael michael I said happy birthday. Pam pam Thank you! That's really nice. Michael michael Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don't know why. Oh! Fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Terry Hatcher. Michael michael What's up? Michael michael Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday. Jim jim Ah, thank you sir. Michael michael Did you hear anything yet? Meredith meredith No. I'm still waiting. Kevin kevin [Dwight knocks on door] Yeah. Michael michael Yes. There he is, the birthday boy! Dwight dwight Ohh, god. Michael michael Birthday hug! Dwight dwight No no no, no, new suit, please. Michael michael That suit is amazing. Dwight dwight Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually-- no, Bulgaria. Michael michael Mmm. Maybe I should get one. Dwight dwight Good luck. One of a kind. Michael michael Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? Dwight dwight Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday. Michael michael Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the... Dwight dwight Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise. Michael michael Let's get the party started. [Begins 'raising the roof'] Dwight dwight Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! [Michael joins in] Michael michael When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty? Phyllis phyllis One's good. Pam pam One thirty. [Pam yawns] I'm sorry, are we boring you? Angela angela Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority. Dwight dwight Where do we get those? Phyllis phyllis Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam] Dwight dwight Michael wants a strippergram? Pam pam Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom. Dwight dwight No. This is a closed door meeting. Angela angela [answering phone] Yeah? Michael michael Michael, I have Jan on the line. Pam pam Oh, great, put her through. Michael michael Hello, Michael. Jan jan Hey, you. Michael michael I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent. Jan jan It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. Michael michael Well, today's not my birthday, so... Jan jan Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday. Michael michael ...Happy birthday, Michael. Jan jan Thanks. [grins] Michael michael Am I on camera? Jan jan Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up] Michael michael [to Ryan, sitting across from Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. Michael michael Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday! Michael michael Mmhmm, happy birthday. Stanley stanley Thanks. Michael michael Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out? Jim jim They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion. Kevin kevin Oh, okay. Jim jim Second opinion on what? Kelly kelly Um, I might have skin cancer. Kevin kevin Oh, no! I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too. Kelly kelly Kelly, you know what... Jim jim I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's. Kelly kelly Who brought in donuts? Toby toby Somebody got donuts for my birthday! Michael michael Happy birthday! Toby toby You didn't know it was my birthday. Michael michael I... guess I forgot. Toby toby Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box]. Michael michael Are you serious? Toby toby Mmm. Michael michael Skin cancer is treatable. Oscar oscar Right. Kevin kevin It's going to be okay. Oscar oscar You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though. Angela angela Hi, delivery for Michael Scott. Delivery Woman delivery-woman Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! [giggles] Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into delivery woman's pocket, giggles] Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? Michael michael Uh... s-sure. Delivery Woman delivery-woman [laughing] Okay. I'm so nervous. Michael michael I can sign for it. Pam pam Oh. Thanks. Delivery Woman delivery-woman When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday. Michael michael [eating donuts while Dwight plays the recorder] Stop it. Stop! What is that? Michael michael It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song. Dwight dwight Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything. Michael michael I probably care more than she does. Dwight dwight You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this [points to James Dean poster]. Michael michael When does he hear? Pam pam Sometime today. Jim jim Ohh... poor Kevin. Pam pam If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week. Pam pam Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back... order... [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! Dwight dwight What? Michael michael Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please. Dwight dwight [grinning] Ohhh, God. Michael michael There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair. Dwight dwight Ohhh, no. Michael michael So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin! Dwight dwight ...I'll do it. Oscar oscar Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this. Michael michael Creed! Come on. Stanley! Dwight dwight ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Pam pam Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and... Jim jim On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready? Dwight dwight Okay. Michael michael Happy birth moment, Michael. Dwight dwight Thank you. Michael michael One. Two. Three! [Michael is raised until his head hits the ceiling] Dwight dwight Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. Michael michael Oscar... Dwight dwight It wasn't me. Oscar oscar Okay, that is not an eight foot sub. Dwight dwight Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs. Delivery Boy delivery-boy F. Alright, what's the damage? Dwight dwight Uh, thirty-nine sixty. Delivery Boy delivery-boy [pulls out wallet] Thirty nine... sixty. Dwight dwight Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. Dwight dwight Here they come. Dwight dwight Get in here... everybody. Michael michael Come and get it! Dwight dwight Birthday party subs! My gift to you. Michael michael What is this? Oscar oscar Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup. Dwight dwight The best. Michael michael These are all the same? Stanley stanley Yes. Michael michael Bologna? I don't eat bologna. Angela angela Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good. Michael michael No. Angela angela Just the bread, it's fresh baked. Michael michael No. Angela angela Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it. Michael michael When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So... That was the worst birthday I think I ever had. Michael michael So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back. Jim jim Sixty-nine cup of noodles. Pam pam Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number. Jim jim And his favorite lunch. Pam pam Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left [pulls ice cream cake out of freezer]. Dwight dwight [making peanut butter and jelly sandwich] Someone ate three feet of that thing? Ryan ryan Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. Dwight dwight [grabs cake] Oh. Thank you. Angela angela Oh. I got it. Dwight dwight What are-- it's... the party planning committee. Angela angela [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything. Dwight dwight Fine. Angela angela What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances? Dwight dwight Yes... [whispering] but don't expect any cookie. Angela angela [whispering] But what if i'm hungry? Dwight dwight [whispering] No cookie. Angela angela [puts fabric softener into cart] ...What? Jim jim You use fabric softener? Pam pam Yeah, you don't? Jim jim No, I do. Pam pam ...Okay. Jim jim [singing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in, Kevin's phone rings] Happy birthday... [everyone but Dwight stops] ...tooo youuuu. Office Staff office-staff Hello? Hey. Kevin kevin Kevin? Respect the birthday please. Michael michael No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacy. Kevin kevin Are you done? ...Good. Okay. Michael michael Here we go. Make a wish. Dwight dwight Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [blows out the candles] Michael michael Yaoo yay! [claps] Dwight dwight ... I asked for trick candles. Michael michael Pam was supposed to get 'em. Dwight dwight Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. Michael michael No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer. Angela angela ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us [takes cake into office and slams the door]. Michael michael [checking watch] We should probably head back. Pam pam Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement. Jim jim You dare me? How old are you? Pam pam Just... quit stalling. Jim jim [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. Pam pam Such a dork. Jim jim [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you... Pam pam Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy. Store Employee store-employee Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Pam pam How old are you? Jim jim I hate you. Pam pam [to Kevin] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible. Toby toby There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Michael michael Still scary. Kevin kevin Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is. Michael michael Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine. Kevin kevin And laughter... also. Michael michael I don't really think people are in the laughing mood. Toby toby Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. Michael michael I work here. Toby toby [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day. Michael michael If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy. Kevin kevin Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry. Michael michael Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls. Dwight dwight Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael. Jim jim Please, don't. Dwight dwight You... owe me. Jim jim Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. Michael michael Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday? Stanley stanley How dare you sir. You are gross. Michael michael [sees 'Happy Birthday Michael Scott!' poster at skating rink] That should not be there. Michael michael I'll get someone to take it down. Dwight dwight No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on! Michael michael Don't be scared! You're good! You're good! Kelly kelly Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Ryan ryan Think you can let go? Jim jim No. [laughs] Pam pam Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Michael skates by] Jim jim YEAH! Dwight dwight Who is that? Pam pam Is that Michael? Jim jim Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. Michael michael I got it. Pam pam Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it. Michael michael ...It's something to think about. Jim jim I can't relax about it, you know? Kevin kevin Kevin. You heard anything yet? Michael michael No, not yet. Kevin kevin Okay. Well. Live strong. Michael michael Okay, Michael. Kevin kevin Alright. Michael michael Michael? Carrol carrol Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or... Michael michael Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson. Carrol carrol Oh, these... all your kids? Michael michael No just the front two. Carrol carrol Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? Michael michael Sure. Carrol carrol Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now! Michael michael Push. Good! That's great. You got it. [Kevin's phone rings] Excuse me. Michael michael Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. [hangs up] It was negative. Kevin kevin Oh... God... [stomps] God! [throws hockey stick and yellow paper bracelet down] We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here [hugs Kevin]. Michael michael Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos. Michael michael This is awesome. Thanks, you guys. Kevin kevin Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey! Michael michael Turn it around. Turn it around. Dwight dwight Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight. Michael michael Number one!! Dwight dwight Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks. Michael michael Michael? Pam pam Yeah. Michael michael This is from all of us. Pam pam Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. Michael michael Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day. Pam pam Michael's birthday. It's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done. Jim jim Let's get the party started. Dwight dwight That's not how I taught you, right? [singing] My hump, my hump, my lovely lady lump Check it out [Dwight imitating drumbeat] Michael michael Michael's birthday is hard for me because he gets very excited. But he's also under a lot of pressure, which builds up until he's ready to explode. As his right-hand man, it's my job to release that pressure so that he can enjoy himself, if only for a moment. Dwight dwight Okay, here's the thing about bosses and employees. A good boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate me." A great boss will say, "Hey, it's my birthday. Celebrate yourselves, because you are the ones who made me great, and I will acknowledge your contributions with donuts." Michael michael Good. You know, Ryan, you didn't have to get me a present. Michael michael I won't. Ryan ryan Good. Great. Michael michael Okay, good. I think I'm gonna go. Ryan ryan No, I think you're gonna stay. Michael michael On my 20th birthday, my supposed best friend, Sam Ambrose, ditched me for his twin sister's Sweet Sixteen party. And that was my worst birthday. Until today. Michael michael Can you please stop staring at me? [Dwight continues to stare and then walks away] Kevin kevin To think that a man's skin could turn on him. It's brilliant, 'cause you'd never expect it. Most people think of their skin as an ally. [scoffs] Makes me rethink having skin at all. Dwight dwight [knock on door] Mmm-hmm. Michael michael Hey. I got the information. Ryan ryan Oh, good. Okay. Don't tell me, tell them. Michael michael [turns to camera] "The survival rate for localized melanoma is 98%." Ryan ryan Oh, my God. That's a piece of cake. That's a piece of cake. Oh, 2%. Jeez, that's good. Michael michael [looking at camera] "There was 7,800 deaths from melanoma in 2005." Ryan ryan Out of, like, 18 billion Americans, so, no worry. Michael michael "For localized melanoma, the five-year survival rate is 98%. The survival rates for regional and..." Ryan ryan Those were probably misdiagnosed. I mean, anybody with a zit goes in and says, "I have cancer." Michael michael "The skin is the largest organ of the body." Ryan ryan Untrue. The heart is bigger than the skin. If you stretched the heart out, it would cover more than the entire body. Michael michael I'm not afraid of dying. I know where I'm going. But if I were Kevin, I might be terrified. Gluttony. Angela angela