Andy Alright everybody, great season of softball, I'm super proud of you guys and I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I put together. [Andy plays video] Group Dunder Mifflin! Andy Andy Bernard presents: Summer Softball Epic Fails! [Kevin swings bat on screen, fart noise follows] Fail. [repeats] Fail. Kevin That's me. [repeats] Andy Fail. Oscar Is this like a blooper reel? Andy A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? I look like Bob Saget? Fail! [Points to video] Who's this guy? [Jim steps back and forth from plate on video as Andy sings Meow Mix theme]Look at him dance. Fail! Dwight Fail! Jim I deserved that. Andy [Darryl runs in slow motion on video] Do do do do do do do. Darryl That was a triple. Andy Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video! Darryl My pleasure. Description [Clark and Pete are shown on screen] Video Andy Hey, I'm Pete, puberty is such a drag, man. And I'm Clark! I like to eat toilet paper. [Clark and Pete wave at camera] We fail! [Video shows memorial of Jerry] Andy I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry in the warehouse who passed away this year. [Screen flashes 'FAIL' over Jerry's face, accompanied by fart noise, repeats twice.] Well, that's all folks. [photo of Andy watersking shows on screen] Ski ya later everybody. Thanks for a great season. [Group claps halfheartedly] Oscar What was that? That was just a normal video with you making vulgar noises. Andy Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar. Next time do more failure stuff, OK? Jim Uh, what happened to that video I sent you? Andy Oh that wasn't...that didn't work. That was not the right..[Group protests] Jim I think I got it right here. [Cheering on screen, Andy struggles with lifting water cooler, then falls over dumping the fluids on himself][Group laughs] Andy That was not a fail. Group Fail! Fail! Fail!... Andy [Group continues chanting "Fail!"]That was actually a serious accident that could have resulted in severe bodily harm. [Group keeps chanting] You're all failing right now. [Group continues] Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail! [Group claps and chants] Dwight [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god. Phyllis What's going on? Dwight Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving please. Stanley What's he measuring? Dwight OK, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please. Toby It's an EMF hotspot. Phyllis [Gasps] Oh my god! Oscar It stands for electromagnetic field. Generally cause by a concentration of wiring in one area [Erin marks red tape X on the floor] Especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight. Andy Um, OK I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall? Toby You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives? Andy I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour? Stanley Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven. Dwight OK, listen. Everything here is up to code. Dwight [mocking] Oh, the wires need insulation. [normal voice] It's a wire people. I'm not buying it a fur coat. Pam [Jim rushes to open door for her] Thank you. Jim You got it. Jim Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job I took in Philly...the side job. And she was so incredibly cool about it. And now I just wanna do something huge for her. Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like wham! [mimes punch] Gotta go through me first. Nellie Andy, could I have a word please? Um, it won't take a moment. It's extremely important and it really has to happen now. Andy Fine. I will give you one minute. Nellie Oh, please don't use the hourglass. Andy You have one minute and your minute has begun and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of it's baroque dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase. Nellie I'm trying to adopt a baby. Andy A baby what? A human?! Nellie And the...agency require a character reference from my employer. Andy Oh. Nellie You wouldn't have to do anything. I would write the letter myself and you just simply sign it. So. Andy Oh, OK. And fall right into your plagiarism entrapment scheme? I don't think so. Nellie It's not..it's- Andy And I happen to notice you're down to about thirty seconds here. Nellie Well then if I could just convince... Andy And those sand grains are tumbling.. Nellie You. Andy With fury... Nellie It's not..it's not Andy Down the sides.. Nellie Entrapment if I'm.. Andy Of the hourglass.. Nellie ..writing.. Andy Time's up! Nellie Fine. Andy Sure. I'll read her letter. And if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then yeah. I'll sign that. Dwight [Reading from computer] "Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards. But mainstream studies are inconclusive!" That means you can't make me do squat. Meredith You better fix this. I already ditched my uterus and I ain't losing any more good parts. Dwight You people don't realize what you're asking. I'd have to rip open the walls. We'd have to shut this place down for a week. Pam Week off. That'd be great. Darryl [Jim puts popcorn bag in microwave] Hey, if you don't want to teach me Power Point, just say so. Clark I don't want to teach you Power Point. Darryl Come on! Just show me the Power Point. Clark Just do the tutorial. Darryl You're the tutorial. Clark No, dude, I'm not. I'm not the tutorial. Darryl You could be. Clark Mm-mm. Darryl [to Jim] What are you doing? Jim Getting my wife a week off from work. Darryl You popped one kernel. Jim Awesome, right? [leaves] Clark So Creed is that dude's step dad? Darryl Correct. Jim Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm just gonna say it. I'm nervous. I have no idea what health problems this is all gonna cause. [group agrees, protests] Dwight What? Come on. Creed I'm getting older. I'm losing my hair... Meredith I'm not gonna grow a third arm! Dwight I know what Jim is trying to do. He's trying to get big bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job while lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation. Well sorry, lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field. Most of my childhood heroes got their power that way. Jim [reading from computer] "Side effects of EMF include: headaches..." Dwight Had 'em all my life. Jim "..breast pain..." Dwight No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim. Jim Oof. "Infertility." Dwight [scoffs] Yeah right. [Dwight moves mouse pad over his crotch] Jim Ah! There's my popcorn. Can you just grab that for me? Dwight Psh. Keep your snacks on your side, Jim. Idiot. [notices popped kernels in the bag] What the? Jim What? Dwight Some of these kernels have crowned. Jim That's impossible, cause that's a brand new bag...[looks up to ceiling where there is a red tape X over Dwight's chair] Oh my god. Dwight Andy! [Jim mimes basketball shot] Jim I'm gonna drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water. Just you, me and the kids. Pam Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way? Jim You mean Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also? [Pam nods] Yes we will be doing that. We'll be getting a dozen. Pam A dozen different pies? Cause that means rhubarb. Jim Why would you say that? I meant 4 apple, 4 blueberry, 2 cherry, 1 peach and 1 chocolate. I thought that was implied. Pam Yeah, OK then. Andy Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints and we reached a settlement. Dwight So, we will be leaving the office for one whole week. Meredith Nice job. Dwight In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space. It will arrive in one hour. Jim What? Pam What's this? Andy Whoa! Jim What? Dwight [Bus pulls into lot] Bring it in! Dwight Roll into the future with Work Bus. Say goodbye to wasteful buildings. These days a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians. Now anyone can rent a work bus. [Meredith and Kevin bump chairs in bus angrily] If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away. [Erin tapes candy dish to pole] In this age of belt tightening and less empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done. Stanley [on phone] There are a hundred packs.. Oscar [On phone] No six after the eight, no.... Stanley Shh! Oscar Shh! Stanley Ninety nine cases..yeah. Oscar Six. [Pete opens air vent over Angela, papers go flying] Angela Ooh! Pete Oh sorry! Sorry. Angela Oh my god! Erin [bumps into Meredith] Sorry. Meredith Lose weight. Erin I'm trying. Sorry. Erin [handing Nelly envelope] Oh, the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare Pre-Adoption Standard. Nellie Oh of course, you were adopted. Erin [laughs] I wish! No, I um, I made some short lists. I had a couple sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end zone. I don't know what it was. Not loveable maybe? [laughs] Oh well. Nellie Listen, I'm really struggling with this form. But as you know the system, you think maybe you could..? Erin Absolutely. I know exactly what they want to hear. I would love to help. Nellie Oh thank you so much! Erin [whispers] Just don't tell Andy, because.. Nellie He hates me and thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness. [Erin nods] Clark Stretch. Alright. Stanley How many times do you need to take a stroll? Clark I, my legs cramp up! Ok, it's a circulation issue. Stanley Boy, I will hammer spank your rear. Jim Alright, alright, gang. Let's just settle down. You're yelling in her face. Clark It's a medical thing. Jim Just...you good? Clark I'm good. I.. Jim [to Pam] I'm so sorry for all of this. Pam It's OK. You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest. Angela I, I need to get to the paper please. [Reaching for overhead bin above Pam, papers fall and Pam has liquid spilled on her] Pam Oh my god! Ah! Jim I'll get you a napkin. Someone get napkins please! Pam You know what? It's fine, it's fine. Let me just...it's fine. [Pam leaves work bus] Jim Pam, I'm really sorry. I- I'm really sorry about...all that. [Dwight smiles at Jim] Really? Smirking? Dwight What can I say? I love justice. You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and uh now you're locked in a prison bus and your woman drips with beverage. Jim Hey, Dwight. I was trying to do something nice for Pam. Can you just, help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere? Or do something to not make this the worst day ever? Dwight It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas. Jim Andy! Andy Yo. Dudeces. Jim You're the boss. Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania? Phyllis Oh, I know I'd be more productive. Kevin As would I. Stanley No question. Dwight No. No! This is a work bus. The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site. Jim What are you talking about? You're not the boss. Andy is. Andy? Phyllis, Kevin & Stanley Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Pies! Andy Alright! The fat people have spoken! Dwight, get this bus moving. Erin Yes! [Group cheers] Jim Next stop: Laverne's Pies Tires Fixed Also. Pam Oh! Yes! [Group cheers, Dwight moves to driver seat] Jim [To Dwight] So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? Dwight Get your foot behind the yellow line. Jim You got it. Erin Yeah Jim! [Group claps] Darryl [Sitting outside building] Stop. Clark Come back. Darryl Too late. Clark Mmm. Group Shabooyah, role call. Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call. Pam My name is Pam. Group Yeah! Pam I like to paint. Group Yeah! Pam You think you're better? Group Yeah! Pam Oh no you ain't! Group Role Call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah, role call! Kevin My name is Kevin. Group Yeah! Kevin That is my name. Group Yeah! Kevin They call me Kevin. Group Yeah! Kevin Cause that's my name. Group Role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Shabooyah, yah yah shabooyah role call! Creed [Dwight pulls over to pick up hitchhiker] Thanks. Playing a little hookey from work today....Oh my god. Andy Dunder Mifflin road trip twenty twelve! [group takes pictures] Ah OK, now a serious one. Pam Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this. Has he been acting kinda weird to you lately? Jim If by lately you mean the last twelve years, yeah. Pam No, I mean he's sulking. That's not like him. Jim He's just mad that we're all having fun. Pam Then why isn't he scheming? Or preparing to avenge? Jim He's fine. He's indestructible. Erin Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered. We're not hostages. Nellie [laughs] Well, I have considered kidnapping one. Erin Never say that. Erin I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt. Nellie I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five year old again. I would snap you up. Stanley Next stop pies! [group joins in] Group Next stop pies! Kevin Next stop pies! Jim Let's go driver! [clapping] Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so... Kevin At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare. Angela So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head? Kevin Wh... Oscar Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? Kevin 314 pies. Oscar What if it were salads? Kevin Well, it's the...carry the four...and...it doesn't work. Dwight I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage everyone, but we're almost out of gas. Jim OK, well I saw a station about a mile back so, chop chop. Dwight That name brand place? Nope forget about it, sorry. The tanks are so big on this thing, five cents a gallon extra, that really adds up. Jim Are you kidding me? Dwight, come on! Pam Hey honey, I don't think we should push him. Jim Oh no, I'm gonna push him. You know why? Because you're getting a pie. Why? Cause you deserve it. And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside looking for gas because he knows we won't get there. Is that what we want?! Group No! Dwight Stop ordering me around, Jim! Jim What do we want?! Group Pies! Jim When do we want it?! Group Pies! Dwight OK, fine. You win. Jim, you win. We have been battling for a long time, but you know what? You win, cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male, there you go. [drops keys in Jim's lap] Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie. Go buy the whole world a pie. Jim That's impossible. [Dwight climbs through ceiling hatch] Dwight! Meredith Oh my! Jim What are you doing? Meredith Dwight, what the hell? Oscar Dwight! Clark What? Kevin Well now I don't even feel like pie. Wait...no it's back. Phyllis [Dwight's footsteps sound from the ceiling] Just drive away. Just.. Pam Phyllis! That's not safe. Kevin Guys, we only have eighteen minutes left. At sixty one miles an hour we're just gonna barely make it. Pam [to Jim] Go up and check on him. He's upset. Jim You know he's doing all this on purpose. Pam Please? Just make sure he's OK? [Jim climbs through hatch] Stanley Hurry it up for god's sake. They're gonna be out of banana cream! Andy Banana cream is the first to go. We'll be lucky to get pumpkin at this point! [group gasps] Meredith What? Jim Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I am trying to do something for my wife and you keep derailing- Dwight I'm barren, Jim. Jim What? Dwight My trouser hives are void of honey. I had congress with Angela and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins. I thought I would be a father and instead I am a eunuch. Neutered by my own building. Jim Is this about the popcorn? Or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank. Dwight You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? Jim No. Dwight That's genius. That's the best prank you've ever done. [laughs] Jim I'll take it. Nellie Andy? Andy Who is it? Nellie Um, is this a good time? Andy Yeah. Perfect time. I'm right in the middle of a rooftop crisis. [takes paper from Nelly] Fine, let me read it. What do we have here? Uh, ok, [reading] blah blah blah blah blah, dah dah dah dah dah dah, you've made this very easy for me. It's unsignable. Nellie Oh, why, is there something? Andy It's inaccurate, dishonest and...in a word? Dongwater. Nellie Ah well, perhaps I could rewrite some of the- Andy Here's the thing, you asked me to do you a favor? I did it. I read it. Thank you very much to me for my time. Good luck with your impossible dream. Nellie Alright then. Jim Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant. Dwight Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive? Jim That doesn't matter. Dwight What position did you use to conceive? Jim Ok...that's not... Dwight Regular? Or lady on her back? You used lady on her back, didn't you, you freak. Yuck, gross. Never mind, Jim. Andy [To Pete. Crying sounds come from behind Nelly's curtain] British women. Famously overemotional. Am I right? Pete I don't think that's Nelly. Andy What? Nellie Oh, oh no, no. Look, it's alright. [Erin cries, Nelly comforts her] It really isn't your fault. No, no. Look, it's...you were so kind. And it isn't anything to do with you. Jim Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kinda like your children? Dwight You know there's a phrase about that in German. Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves. But now? I really understand it. Jim Well, now you have a bus full of real..bilden..kin.. Dwight Bildenkinder. Jim OK. And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie. And there's only one guy who can save them. It's not me. Pam Oh! [Jim reenters bus through hatch] Hey! How'd it go? Jim It's pretty good actually. Pam Yeah? Jim We bonded. We got to- [Dwight starts dropping into the bus on top of Jim] Oscar Whoa! Whoa! Dwight! [group reacts] Dwight When you don't get out of the way! Out of the way! Pam You feel OK now? Dwight Oh, better than OK. [grabs Pam's shoulders] You know what honey? I'm gonna get you that rhubarb pie. Pam Well, actually, rhubarb is- Jim Don't.. Pam the one pie that I don't. Jim Don't.. Dwight Everybody! Hang on! [Dwight pulls out quickly] Angela Oh! [bus tears around corners as group crashes into each other] Jim [Group chants along] Pie! Pie! Pie! Group Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! [cheers as they arrive] Nellie Oh. Andy I changed my mind. [gives Nelly papers] Nellie Oh, you signed it? Andy Yeah. Not as is, obviously. Made a couple changes. Added some sentences at the end. Trust me it needed it. [laughs] Well, yeah, whatever. So. [walks away] Nellie [Reading] "She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about. She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents." Kevin I insult you, Oscar. Oscar What? Kevin I insult you! To your face! Oscar I don't know what you're talking about. Kevin Then why don't you do something about it? Oscar [laughs] Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you? In the face with my pie? Kevin You don't have the guts. You stupid, dumb, doo doo face! [Oscar pies Kevin] Yes! Pam Oh my god. I'm getting so stuffed. Jim We did it. Pam You did it. Andy My name is Andy! Group [bored] Yeah. Andy I don't do drugs! Group Yeah. Andy Now check the style! Group Yeah. Andy Of Flatt & Scruggs! Group Yeah. [Andy plays banjo] Pam Role call. Phyllis Role call. Oscar Role call. Creed What?