Phyllis Whoo! Wow, it is raining cats and dogs out there. Holy moley. Jim Phyllis says the same twelve clichés every time it rains. So, I promised everyone that if she says them all by noon today, I will send out for hot chocolates. Darryl So how was the drive in? Phyllis Oh, nobody knows how to drive in the rain. Darryl You don't say? Phyllis Yeah. You know the roads are actually the slickest in the first half hour? Phyllis Oh, the plants are gonna love this. Oscar Yeah. Phyllis I actually sleep better when it's raining. Meredith Tell me about it. Oscar Time's almost up. How many are left? Pam Just one. "This weather makes me want to stay at home, curled up with a good book." Darryl Phyllis. This rain... does it make you wanna be doing something? Phyllis What do you mean? Pam You know, like aren't some things just so nice and cozy in the rain? Jim Hey, come on. Phyllis Lots of things are cozy in the rain. Jim And that's noon. Exactly. [others groan] Phyllis I mean, normally the rain would make me want to stay home, curled up with a good book. But everybody's being so nice to me today. I'm really happy being here. Andy [singing] My girlfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble- Andy & Erin Hey la, hey la... Andy ...my girlfriend's back! Erin [simultaneously] ...his girlfriend's back! [others cheer and applaud] Andy Anyway, I know it's the end of the day. We just wanted to stop by and say hi. Kevin Welcome home. Erin Thank you. Andy Hey, Kev. Kevin Yeah. Andy Nice sweater. Kevin [wearing a Cornell sweater] Thank you. Nellie was nice enough to give it to me. She's sweet. I just wish there was pockets. Andy What happened to old salty? Dwight Nellie let me bobble-ize him. His name is now Captain Mutato. Dwight I've written quite a bit of X-Men fan fiction. Captain Mutato is half man, half mermaid. So he can fight crime as a man and make love as a mermaid. Most of my writing involves the latter. Andy Okey dokey. [knocks on door] Nellie Yes? Andy Whoa. Well, you must be the famous Nellie Bertram I've been hearing all about. I am the famous Andy Bernard you've been hearing all about. Nellie Oh yes. Andy I just want to thank you for jumping in and minding the store during my temporary absence. Nellie You are most welcome. Andy Anyway, now that I'm back, I would love to have my office back, whenever you get a chance. Nellie No. Andy Obviously, we'll figure out the, uh, logistics of moving all this stuff out of here. But, you know, the sooner the better. Nellie Mm-hmm. Andy Get back to normalcy. Nellie Hmm, no. Ravi ...and then just lay him in his crib, and then bicycle his legs. And then after Jim quiets down, you do the same thing with your baby. [Pam, Jim and Kelly laugh] But if he keeps having problems, just give me a call. Pam Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But seriously, we don't want to bother you any more than we already have. Jim That's it. Kelly It's no bother, you guys are our friends. Pam Ravi, our amazing pediatrician, was asking us if we knew any girls and I said I know the perfect girl. Jim Yep. Because Kelly is Indian and... oh, that's it. Pam Race had nothing to do with it. I just knew they'd be good together. Pam [talks over flashbacks] Kelly has been a handful in the past. Kelly [cries, slams fist on desk] Why? Pam [Ryan and Kelly make out in the nook] But she's had a bad influence. She's like an addict. [Ryan and Kelly argue] And I just had to get her clean. Kevin [Ryan and Kelly make out on Oscar's desk] Get lower. Ryan Um, also, little tip, never shake the baby. Jim Sorry, just to be clear, you're saying do NOT shake the baby. Ryan Don't shake the baby. Um, a lot of times, parents get frustrated 'cause the baby's crying and they shake the baby. And you got to, um, you can't do that. Pam Don't shake our baby? Ryan Yeah. Pam Okay. I'd never heard that before. So, thank you. Ryan Oh, my God. Pam Yeah, I'm glad you said something. Ryan Me too. Ryan Kelly and I broke up and she can do whatever she wants. And her new boyfriend seems awesome, if you're into Indian people. I'm not. Ryan Hey, um, what's the deal with this guy? He's really into Kelly, huh? Pam Yeah, they're really great together. Ryan Maybe we weren't right together, but... it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love? Jim That's about it, yeah. Robert Nellie! You've been terrific in your interim capacity. But, Andrew is the rightful manager so if you would just give him his office- Nellie No. Robert I'm sorry? Andy This is what I was trying to tell you. Robert I'm not accustomed to people saying no to me. [laughs] Nellie Well, Bobby, get accustomed to it because then it feels so good when they finally say yes. Robert You're both adults. I'm sure you can figure this out between yourselves. Robert I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find it best to excuse myself temporarily until I've had a chance to make love and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way. Nellie I'm gonna count down from five and if you are not out of my office, I'm going to dock your pay one hundred dollars. Andy [chuckling] Okay. Nellie Five... four... Andy You can't dock my pay- Nellie Angela! Dock Andy's pay one hundred dollars. Angela On it! Andy Great. Five, four, three, two, one. Angela, please dock Nellie's pay a hundred dollars. Angela? Nellie Do you want to go again? Andy Angela? Nellie Let's go again. Five... four... Andy Ooh, she's counting again. Nellie Three... two... one... Andy Oh, oh! Nellie Angela, two hundred dollars! Angela You got it. Andy Seriously, Angela? Andy I got a little bit of an anger problem. Got me in some trouble a couple years ago. Erin When I see him start to get mad, I just put my hand on his arm like this. Nellie I know what, let's go... ten thousand dollars! [Andy laughs] Five... four... Andy You're just saying numbers. It's meaningless. Nellie Three... Andy It's literally like- Nellie Two... [Andy runs out of the room] one. Erin There you go. [helps Andy in the car] Hey. we're gonna have a nice, hot date. Erin Hey. So last night was so not a big deal. Andy Oh, yeah, I was just tired. Erin We both were. Plus, I was definitely not my normal sexy self. Andy Whoa. No. Are you kidding? You were so sexy. Just the thought of you last night, like, crazy turns me on. It just didn't last night. Erin Really. It's not a big deal. Andy Yeah. I know it's not... a big deal. Ryan I found this the other day while I was journaling and they reminded me of you. Kelly Oh, those are from our weekend at the time share. Ryan Yeah, the fractional ownership property. [sigh] Oh, we took this one right before we got in that huge fight. Kelly God I don't even remember what that fight was about. Ryan You were being really bratty about where we would go out to dinner. But all I remember is how pretty you looked, taking those pictures of me. Anyway, if you want to order prints of your own, I can send you the link. Ryan I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change. Erin When you lost the manager job- Dwight Yes? Erin Did it affect you outside of the office? Dwight How? Erin I don't know what the technical term is... Penial softiosis? Dwight Erin, I am so glad that you trusted me. You came to the exact right person for this. No, I have never once experienced anything remotely like that. Never. Erin Oh, okay. Dwight Okay? Erin Okay. Dwight Washington Monument. Erin Oh. Dwight Eiffel Tower. Erin Okay, okay. Pam I saw you were getting along with Ryan again. Kelly He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, "Kelly, that will be the color of our children." Pam Yeah, he's so great. Remember how it felt when he cheated on you though? Kelly Which time? Pam I am not going to let Kelly throw her life away on Ryan. And it has nothing to do with access to my pediatrician. Why you would even ask or were going to ask, because I- I felt like that question was coming. Dwight One of Toby's eyes is getting smaller. So there's that. Gabe bragged about having an extra ticket to the air show this weekend and Meredith said she was interested and then Gabe said immediately that his friend might be taking the ticket. So I'll keep you posted on that. Dwight Every day I brief Nellie on what's going on in the office. Most of it's irrelevant. But a good informer doesn't judge what's worth passing on. Dwight Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that. Nellie What do you mean? Dwight Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him! I'm a little bit jealous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant. Nellie I just wanted to take the man's job, not his manhood. Nellie Okay, I would like to invite everyone into the conference room. Andy You can't call a meeting. [laughs] But I would like to have a meeting in the conference room right now! So let's get in the conference room. Thank you. Good. Thank you for coming to my meeting. Nellie Okay, if you would like to take a seat we can get started. Andy Oh! Can't do it 'cause I gotta run a meeting. So. Nellie No. Andy Wanted to talk to all of you guys about [reads whiteboard] importance... and know that each and every one of you is vitally important. Robert Andrew, not everyone here is important. And the word is "impotence." Nellie Which is important in its own way. So if you'd just like to take a seat, Andy. Nellie "Take a man's job, but leave him his balls." Margaret Thatcher said that... probably. Don't know. Don't read. Didn't see the movie. Nellie This meeting is not about any one person in particular. It is a human problem. Dwight It's not just a human problem. Flounders frequently experience impotence, especially when converting from male to female and then back again to male. Oscar Nellie, does the person affected by this want us to help her in any way in particular? Nellie Oh, oh, it's not me. No, no. I've never had any problem in that arena. And I have been with several older men. Robert & Creed [in unison] How old? Creed Jinx. Buy me some Coke. Nellie Dwight told me about it earlier. Erin Dwight! All What? Erin You promised! Kevin Dwight couldn't get it up for Nellie? Dwight No, no, no, no, no, It's not me. I'm gonna prove it right here and now. [thrusts his pelvis] Angela What are you doing? Oscar What is this? Angela Stop that! Dwight! Stop that, stop it. Andy Fine, it was me. I couldn't- I had a problem with Erin last night. Happy? Andy I had a lot on my mind last night. And I didn't perform. Okay? It happens to plenty of guys. It's usually not followed by a giant workplace discussion and an interview. Andy Every guy in this room has been touched by this affliction. Tuna? T-dog? Jim Um... Darryl Uh... I have other issues. I'm terrible at math. Overweight. You- you're in great shape. A lot better shape than I am, tell you what. Robert It seems Andy is the only one with this problem. Fascinating. Andy Fascinating. Gabe I don't really see what the problem is. Erin doesn't even like sex, remember? You said it feels like getting tackled by a skeleton. Nellie Chumbo, come on, help me out. Any problems with Little Chumbo? Kevin Tip-top shape. Nellie Oh... Stanley? Stanley No. Um-um. Nellie Creed, you are a thousand years old. Creed Haven't heard any complaints. Wouldn't care if I did. Andy Okay, so I- Pam Actually Andy, I think maybe we experienced it. Jim What happened? Pam That a couple of times- Jim Couple of times. Robert Jim, maybe you could tell us about one of those times. Dwight Yeah Jim. Andy Yeah Jim, get it out there. Jim Um... I don't... Uh, yes, that time that it was very late. Uh, we'd had sex so many times already, I was exhausted... Pam Okay, stop. Jim I was very drunk. Phyllis If it makes you feel any better, I never had an orgasm until I was forty-two. And then when I did, it lasted 'til I was forty-four. Phyllis Forty-three was ju- I got nothing done. [laughs] Gabe I've read- and I don't know anything about this personally- but they say prostate stimulation can help. Angela Ugh. Gabe This is just, uh- This American Life, I think I heard it on. Robert No, that's absolutely the case. Gabe I know, right? Dwight You know, my rectal electro-ejaculator is rated for bovine use only but I could let you rent it. Robert Andy, why don't you tell us about the best erection of your life? Or does anyone else have any remarkable erections they'd like to share? [Creed, Kevin and Meredith raise their hands] Kevin Ooh, ooh! Jim Wow, what are we talking about? Erin Toby, doesn't HR have some rules against talking about this kind of stuff? Toby Erin, HR is a joke. I can't do anything about anything. Nellie The most important thing to remember is not to stress about this. Stress just makes it worse, and then you stress more. And that's a vicious spiral. Robert I almost didn't come in today. [laughs] Andy [on the phone] Dad, don't think of it as a demotion. Just think of it as a promotion to a lower level. I don't think you have to tell your friends anything. It hasn't been decided yet. Nellie Erin, on phone memos you're writing the date American style. Month, day, year. I prefer it day, month, year. Small, bigger, biggest. Oh, sexual innuendo. Not intentional. Erin Shut up. Shut up! I am sick of your dumb opinions. And if you don't like the way that I take phone messages, here! [throws phone] Take 'em yourself! Andy Oh, and another thing! Our sex life is none of your businesses! Erin And Andy is the manager, not Nellie! Andy Stop protecting me! I'm a man- I can protect myself! This is misdirected anger and I'm sorry! I don't mean to lash out at you! There's a lot coming up right now, all at once! [into phone] Dad go to hell, I'm taller than you! Nellie Okay, just calm down. Andy You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit. Robert Andy, why don't you just take a seat? Andy Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair] Erin And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels? Andy And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground] And your stupid office! [punches hole in the wall] Ah! Darryl He does not like that wall. Erin Maybe we'll get sent to anger management together. Andy That would actually be cool. I'd love for you to meet some of the guys. Robert Andy, Erin, you can join us now. Ryan Hey, I hear you been bad-mouthing me to Kelly. Pam All I did was remind her that you used to treat her badly. Ryan Well that's your opinion and it's her opinion, but it's not my opinion. If you have something bad to say to me, Pam, say it to my face. Pam Fair enough. Um... I don't think you're a very good person. And forgive me, but I feel like I've said this to you before: I don't like you very much. Ryan Well a lot of people would say that I'm a better match for Kelly than Ravi is. Oscar Oh come on, Ryan. Really? Ravi's way better. Ryan For Kelly? Kevin Yeah. Man, you're insane right now. Ravi's the whole package. Nate I've never met Ravi personally, but I'm gonna go ahead and say, just having knowing you a short while, Brian, that I prefer Ravi. And again, I've never even met the guy. Ryan Kelly, I wrote you the most amazing love poem. But I can't even read it. My heart couldn't handle it. Pam Oh, no, no, no. Oscar Oh, come on. Pam Read it, please. I love amazing poetry. Ryan No. It would cause me too much pain. Pam Read through the pain. Be strong. Ryan This poem would crush you! Oscar Ryan, go away! She found herself a beautiful boyfriend! Kevin Yeah, man, he's absolutely gorgeous! Please leave her alone. Ryan You see, Kelly? Our love scares them. It screws up their cookie-cutter world. Kelly Ravi makes me incredibly happy. And Ryan puts me through so much drama. So I guess I just have to decide which of those is more important to me. Robert Andy, we're going to go with Nellie as manager and put you back on the sales team. I promise you, in time, we'll all laugh about this incident. I already think it's kind of funny. [chuckles] Andy No. Robert Excuse me? Andy I'm saying no. Robert Well you can't say no. Andy No. Pam [sees Ryan on the horse] Oh, boo! Boo! Boo to you! Boo! Ryan You are toxic! You are toxic! Pam Boo! Jim Hey, hey. Okay. Ryan Kelly, I have a few things to say to you, so please don't interrupt. Kelly I wasn't going to interrupt. Ryan Well you do a lot, so just don't. Thank you. I know that I haven't always treated you the way that you, for whatever reason, feel you deserve to be treated. But I want to marry you, Kelly Kapoor. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and probably. Pam Barf! Ugh, you suck! Ryan What is your problem? [to horse wrangler] Hey, hey, hey, can we turn this back around quickly, please? This is very important to me. Wrangler Turn around. Turn around. Turn around! Ryan Can we turn this [bleep]-ing thing around? Thank you. Wrangler She don't wanna turn around. Ryan Thank you. Kelly, I can't promise you that we'll always stay together. I can't promise you that I'll never cheat on you. Nor should I. Modern marriages aren't built that way. Men aren't built that way. There's a very interesting article I can email to you. But I can tell you this. Even if the odds are fifty-fifty that we'll break up within the week, I wanna roll those dice. I love you, Kelly. Kelly Ryan. Ryan Will you roll those dice with me? Kelly You mean so much to me. But, I love Ravi and I choose him. Ryan No you don't. Kelly I do. Ryan No you don't. Kelly I hope we can still be friends. Can I have a hug? Ryan What? [they hug] Kelly That was really cool. [they make out] Angela Ugh. Eww! Jim Well, it's good to see Kelly's maturing. Angela Oh God! Robert Look, Andrew, we can discuss the specifics of the job. Andy No. Nellie It's the apology. I really have to insist. Andy [British accent] No. Nellie Stop saying no. Andy No. Robert Andrew, if you say no one more time, you're fired. So... is there anything else you wanna say? Andy No. Andy I can't describe it. I just, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel in control. I feel... alive. Erin Here- [grabs the box Andy's holding] Andy Ah- da, da, da, da. I got it. Erin But you hurt your hand. Andy I... Got... It. Erin Right now? Andy Yes. Pam You're not the least bit curious to hear a poem straight from Ryan's soul? Jim Not at all, can we go? Pam "Kapoor and ka-desperate, he watches." Jim Second line. Pam "He is a drifter out to sea." Jim "And when the Indian Ocean calms, one speck of white remains in waters cold and Kelly green." Pam It's just so dumb. [chokes up] But when he describes himself as a child, lost on the life raft... Jim Uh, Ryan can never know.