Dwight Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs] Jim It's always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she's out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I've found out what he likes. And it's really weird. Dwight Jim, come on! That's so juvenile! What the- [opens drawer full of meatballs] Stanley You've been meatballed! [laughs] Dwight Ugh. Stanley Are you ready for some meatball? Dwight Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] This is not very clever, Jim. Jim I know. Stanley Look for your stapler! Dwight [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny. Stanley [to Phyllis] Oh okay. Good night. [climbs in to Dwight's car] What's the haul? Dwight Thirty-two meatballs. Stanley Good day. Dwight That idiot's been feeding us for a week. Stanley We'll never have to buy meatballs again. Erin [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that's so great to hear. Erin I'm not going to be one of those exes who can't move on. They have their life and I have mine. I'm taking an Italian class. So far I've learned tortellini, spagettini, linguini... Well it's not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine. Erin I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay. Andy Jessica! I love you! That's a message from my mom. Andy My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years... Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a my little brother kind of vibe to it, but... Jim [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though. Oscar Oh, who needs a house that size? Dwight Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait. Robert I'm selling the house, actually. Jim You know, there's a glare from over here... oh wow, that's magnificent. Robert It's mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I've got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue... this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she's left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They're calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim? Jim I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke. Robert What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard? Jim I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing. Robert Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it. Andy Um, I'm getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here. Robert A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I'm entitled to the occasional bad day. Andy Well, please tell Susan we all say hi. Kevin Dude, what if, since you're feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs] Oscar Kevin, no. Robert What, as some sort of last hoorah? Kevin Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it. Robert You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let's try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let's just call it a get-together. And let's say no food. Kevin Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? Oscar That was you, Kevin. Kevin It was me. Meredith You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift. Erin Oh, I don't know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn't drive maybe ever. Meredith It's no problem. You live right near me. Erin How do you know where I live? Meredith Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Erin Why? Meredith He wanted to make sure California didn't put it in you. Erin Oh. Come on. Erin Wow. Andy's such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] Angela [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm. Cathy It's almost too warm. Gabe I'm feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half. Ryan Oh, so close. Eighty-one. Gabe [to Cathy] Well, we'll say its eight-two and it'll be our secret. Cathy [to Jim] Hey, late guy. Jim Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party. Andy Oh. Jim DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight. Jim You're looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don't mean to brag, but New Year's Eve, I was home by nine. Jim Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way. Robert You should see the whole thing. Jim I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That's beautiful, I'm going to email that to you. Robert I'm just about to give the tour. Jim All right- Robert Join us. You must see what you were laughing about. Jim I must... Jessica [looks at pool] Wow. Andy [hides ring] Yeah, it's pretty serious poolage. Jessica [sees Andy's hand in his pocket] What are you doing? Andy Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh] Jessica Gross. I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything? Andy No, I'm good. Erin [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi. Andy Hi. Erin How is everything? How's your car? Andy It's great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage. Erin Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain? Andy Well, I can't. I'm going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes. Erin Oh, like a goodbye trip. Andy No. What? Jessica Hey. Erin Hi. Erin I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But, if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive, and I believe him. Darryl Val. You made it. Val Yup, yup. Darryl Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that? Val You know, you are just as dumb at night. Darryl Mmm. [they clink cups] Andy All right, theres- this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath. Jessica No, show me. Andy Okay. Jessica Dive in right here. Andy In a minute. In a minute. Jessica Okay. You don't know what you're doing. Andy A minute would be cool. Erin Hey, Dwight Snoot. Dwight What- Erin What you doing? Dwight I'm relaxing. Scram. [pushes her] Erin Ow. Andy Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants? Stanley I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there's a person in them. Andy Where... [finds pants, looks for ring] Erin Come on, don't you want to play? Dwight Oh really? Erin Yeah. Dwight Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams] Kevin Whoa. Angela Dwight! Oh my gosh! Dwight! Robert Here we have the parlor. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you're simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio. Oscar [sees wine collection] Holy cow! Robert Wine collection. Oscar How many bottles? Three hundred? Robert [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers. Oscar Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine. Toby Well, and you have a... yes, a- d- another chateau. Ryan Robert, you are too kind. Robert Oh. Gabe Too kind doesn't begin to cover it. Ryan With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me. Gabe And Gabe-y makes three. Jim Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night's been magical. Robert Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it. Jim Really? Why? Robert I don't know. Maybe not. Just come. Erin [Dwight dunks her] Oh! Dwight [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh? Erin Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous. Dwight I'm not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I'm mighty? Because I'm the manliest man in the office? I'll do it. [he picks her up] Erin [giggles] Oh Dwight! Erin [giggles] Stop. Dwight You stop. Erin No, you stop. Dwight No, you stop. Erin [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop. Dwight Okay, you can stop. Erin No, no, no, he's not looking. Dwight No, you can stop. Erin You can actually stop. Kelly Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this? Meredith The main stone's missing. Kelly I don't know. It looks pretty great to me. Robert I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan. Jim Good night. Oscar [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen! All To the kitchen! Robert To the kitchen. Onward! Oscar Toby, what's compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right? Toby Note? It's a symphony. Oscar Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club. Toby I would love that. Toby Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I'm through the gateway now, though, right? Darryl [to Val] You know, I don't think I've ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it. Meredith You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice. Val You in? Darryl Yeah, sure, sure. I'll be right in. Darryl I've been working out. But, the problem is, I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage. Dwight [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that's so good. Ah... Erin Andy's not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end. Dwight Damn it. Erin What is the most romantic possible thing? Dwight We can get some chicken fights going in the pool. Erin Dwight, that's just- that's really perfect. Thank you. Both Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool] Angela You're in my way! Erin Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner take all. Dwight Chicken fight! Andy No thanks. Erin Dang it! What the heck already? Dwight Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight! Cathy Okay, yeah. Who's going to be my partner? Where's Jim? Kevin I'm right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath. Dwight Yeah- oh! Erin [knocks Cathy off Kevin's shoulders] Yes! Woo! Dwight Woohoo! Yes! Erin Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together. Dwight I know. I could just bang you right now. Erin He's not looking. [Dwight dumps her in the pool] Hey! Robert I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears. Jim To both these bears. Ryan To both these bears. Toby Bears. Oscar To both these bears. Robert When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. Ryan I mean, it's clearly meant for watching erotic cinema. Gabe Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just- if you have the cables. Andy Kelly, that's a crazy ring you found. Kelly Yeah, thanks. I'm really glad I found it. Andy I can't believe you're wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all? Kelly Shh. Of course I'm superstitious. What are you talking about? Andy The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? Phyllis Oh, I don't think you're being silly. Kelly Oh God. [takes off ring] Andy You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. Phyllis [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can't allow that. We have to destroy it. Jessica [to Andy] Come on. Let's chicken fight those two. Val [comes up from under water] How was that? Kevin Okay. Watch my toes. [does hand stand] Darryl Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you've been drinking. Val No, I'm good. Thank you. Darryl Cool. Val Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim? Kevin That's racist! I don't know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim. Jessica [knocks Erin off Dwight's shoulders] Yes! Andy Yeah! Dwight [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break. Erin Dwight, we've got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what. Dwight Okay. Erin One more? Andy Yeah! Jessica Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap] Erin Mush, mush, mush! Come on! Dwight Go! Erin Go! Okay. Yeah. Jessica Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes! Andy Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa! Kevin Wow! Andy I cannot believe you're still up! Jessica I cannot believe it either. Erin I've got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks] Andy [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it- Dwight [coughs up water] Erin, did we win? Erin Sure. Sure we did. Dwight You're lying. We didn't win. Erin Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It's okay. Just rest. Just rest. Kelly You've broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat] Angela We're in the pool! Meredith Shut it, Angela. Dwight Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis's birthday. Andy Ooh, do not remind me of Phyllis's birthday. Dwight I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn't she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don't want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. Andy Mmm. Dwight So I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin. Andy Last I checked, I'm with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It's monogamy for my hog 'n me. Dwight Not what I asked. Andy We're done. Erin and I are over. Dwight So then you won't mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex. Andy Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out. Dwight [sighs] You're an idiot. Kevin Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles] Erin Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Kevin No! Val Oh I've got him! Darryl Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let's do this! Andy [Erin swims up with ring] Wow. Erin So I kind of stepped on this. I think it's yours. Andy Yeah. Oh wow. How did you know it was mine? Erin The Bernard family seal. Duh. Andy Duh. Erin Sorry if your special night was ruined. Andy Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it's not a special night. Erin Oh, you weren't going to do that? Andy Honestly Erin, I don't know what I'm doing. I... I just... I don't know. Thank you. Erin Andy's confused. That's not what I was hoping for, but it's not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused. Robert And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness. Jim To madness. Ryan To madness. Toby To madness. [Robert laughs] Meredith To madness. Jim Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van? Meredith Oh, I'm sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl. Jim Are you serious? Ryan Robert, I want you to know, I'm here to rock with you as late as you want, man. Gabe And that goes double for me. I'll stay even later than you'd like. Oscar [Toby pours wine into Oscar's mouth] Toby! I am Bacchus, god of wine! Toby And I am Bacchus's friend! Robert Gentlemen, bear witness. While I've been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him] All Yes! Woohoo! Bravo! Jim And there's my talking point. Robert Yes, that's it. Push yourselves, boys. It's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going. Ryan Hey, he's asleep. We can just leave. Gabe So leave. Ryan Two pools. A divider. A bridge. Good choice. It says everything about everything, right Robert? Kathy What's the water like? Darryl Nice. Angela Oh, it is warm. Phyllis Robert's house is, well....I don't mean to sound offensive, but it's like where a basketball player would live. Erin Oh, Dwight. Dwight Uh huh. Erin That feels so good! Dwight Yeah....baby. Erin [grunting] Hey, Andy. Andy Hey. Erin Dwight gives the best back massages. Andy Yeah, it sounds like it. Dwight Hey, have you ever been checked for scoliosis? Erin I don't know, why don't you check me Dr. Shrute. [laughing] Dwight No, seriously. Your spine is jacked. It's like the devil's cursive. Erin You mean more like dangerous curves... Dwight You'd be like 8 feet tall if this thing was straightened out...[pushes Erin back to floor] Erin Ow! Erin You date a guy, you find out he was engaged to your coworker so you throw cake at him. It's over. You start liking him again so you ask him out with a puppet show. He says no. Then he follows you home to make sure that you don't kiss somebody. Then he ignores you at a pool party? Am I right ladies? Dwight [Erin helps Dwight stretch his inner thighs] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oooooh, yeah. Jessica You guys ready? Andy Bring it on guys. Dwight Yeah... Andy Let's go before I vomit. [Erin and Dwight enter pool] Dwight Ready? Erin I'm ready. Jessica Whoo! Andy Alright! Here we go. Erin Ok. Dwight RAHHH!!!!!!! Jessica Yeah, come on! Dwight Get her! Ruin her! [Andy and Jessica beat Dwight and Erin] Andy Hey! High-five! Jessica Yeah! Jessica My brother and I were the chicken fight champions of our swim club growing up. I mean, we beat the Strauss twins. Ok, I guess somebody didn't grow up in west Hartford, Connecticut. Robert This room I liked for the view. I dreamed that I would watch my guests walk to their cars at dawn, their faces flushed with the shame and regret for the choices they made the night before. [laughs] Ryan I get that. Gabe Beautiful sentiment. Jim To the shame room! [raises bottle] Gabe [Robert laughs] I live in this room. Oscar [Toby and Oscar swig from wine bottles] Oh, Mineral-ey. Toby Mineral-ey.