Andy Erin. Erin Yeah. Andy In two minutes I want you to come into this meeting and tell me I have a really important phone call. I'm not going to take it because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me. Erin Who's calling? Andy Nobody. Just say that I'm- Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm going to refuse to take it. Erin You're not going to take it? Andy Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Make it up. Erin Ohohohoh. Andy And come and tell me. Doesn't matter what it is. Erin You're not going to get it though? Andy I'm not going to take it. And then he's going to be like "whoa this is a really important meeting". Erin Copy that. Andy Okay. Andy Ok, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now and I'll tell you how we can beat it. Client Uh well we've been going with... Erin Andy. Andy Yeah. Erin You have a very important call. Andy I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait. Erin Are you sure? It's really, really important. Andy There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting. Erin Really? Because your mother is dead. Client Oh my God. Andy I don't think she's dead. Erin She's dead. She was hit by a bus. Andy She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls. Erin This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen. Dwight Andy I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences. Client Oh you must take this call. It's... Andy Yeah. Um line 1? Erin Line 2. Andy Hi. Darryl [on phone]It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died. Andy Ooh, gosh! Darryl Dude. Andy Officer. Darryl Look man this is a bad idea. Andy Did she have any last words or? Darryl Really? That is messed up man. Andy Oh make sure that your client gets the best deal possible. Darryl You're a bad man Andy Bernard. Andy That is so mom. Darryl That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle... Andy Alright thank you officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we? Pam Hey Cathy. Cathy Hi. Pam How's it going? Everything make sense? Cathy I think everything is under control. Pam Great. Cathy You should sit down. Pam Oh no, I'm fine. Cathy No I should go fill out my paperwork. Pam Ok [squeaking sound] Oh that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this. Dwight Oh we know. Pam I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on! Ryan Hey - asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single? Jim Hmm. Doubt it. Ryan Yeah me too. Pam You doubt it? Jim What's that? Pam Why do you doubt that she's single? Jim Honestly I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan right? Darryl What are you doing with my lunch? Andy I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey did anyone order a pizza? Darryl It's not pizza. Andy Yeah and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes. Darryl I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in? Andy Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs] Ryan So word on the street is she has a boyfriend. Gabe Well he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked on blow. Toby It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office. Oscar Yeah aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence. Offscreen Good energy Pam It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh? Oscar No, no. Not even. Pam I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing. Oscar Pam you look more beautiful now than ever. Toby Radiant. Pam Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet. Phyllis Yeah you have this sexy glow. Gabe It's one of the most common fetishes. Pam Really well thank you all. Toby You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren. Ryan Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing? Toby You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren. Description [everyone agrees] Dwight Ok ok ok no no no. This is disgusting. You realize what you're saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66 year old pregnant woman. Oscar In this case yes. Dwight No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman. Phyllis No we're not. Dwight Yes you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You're fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian. Andy [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray. Darryl Nice scatting, man. Andy Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point. Val Not bad fellas, you're better than you look. Kevin Hey, screw you! Andy [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early? Robert Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here? Andy Well we're all musicians and we play together sometimes. Robert You're a band. Andy Thank you. Kevin We're called Kevin and the Zits. Darryl That was never agreed upon. Robert I miss being in a band. Andy Miss no more! What do you play? Join us! Kevin I have a tambourine. Robert Tambourine? You know I'm the CEO, right? Andy [to Kevin] CEOs don't play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends. Robert I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car. Andy Great! Kevin Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit! Darryl Again, never agreed upon. Andy I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you're in a rock and roll band with somebody, you're bonded for life! Darryl Usually that life is short and tragic. That's okay, right? Andy Yeah, even cooler. Kevin We all got to go sometime. Pam Hey. Jim Hey. Pam Helen Mirren. Hot? Jim Yeah. Super pretty. Pam Huh. What about Cathy? Jim The temp? Pam Yeah. Do you think she's hot? Jim Nope. Pam I'm not asking if you're in to her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive? Jim And I'm telling you, I don't. Pam You don't find Cathy attractive? Jim No, I don't. Jim No, I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody. Pam Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake. Jim Okay. Uh, I don't. So are we good? [Jim leaves] Dwight That's just absurd. Pam Yes, because she's hot, right? Dwight Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on. Pam The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you're a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren't true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who's telling me the truth. Pam Dwight, am I hot right now? Dwight Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction. Pam What about before? Was I attractive before? Dwight Meh... you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you're at an all-time low. Pam Hmm. I think Jim's lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy. Dwight You think Jim's lying? [laughs] That's so cute. I know he's lying. Pam Five bucks if you can get him to admit it. Dwight Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman. Pam Yep, that's the Dwight I need. Dwight If we're going to work together, we need some ground rules. Pam Okay. Dwight Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth. Pam I think so. Okay. Dwight Rule two: we stop at nothing. Pam Well, what does that... is that... okay. Dwight Rule three: Don't fall in love. Pam Yep, good. Dwight We're gonna bust this guy. Pam Honesty is very important to me. Dwight So important. And then we will destroy the man himself. Pam Let's just see how we feel when we get there. Kelly Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don't want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam. Dwight None taken. What do you got? Kelly It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy's hot. Pam Hmm. Robert [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us! Curtis You guys sound great, man. Robert Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding. Darryl Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead. Kevin [to drummer] Dude, you're on TV! You're the sportscaster on channel seven. Drummer Go Eagles! [laughs] Kevin You do that on TV! Robert You guys mind if they join us? Andy Yeah, absolutely! Kevin Guys, I've got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and güiro] Darryl Hey, why don't you and me play those? Kevin Yeah? Okay, this is awesome. Robert What should we play? Kevin Maybe we should warm up with some scales? Robert Midnight Rambler? Curtis Yeah. Andy Midnight what? Curtis [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah! Pam Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single. Jim Oh, I stand corrected. Pam I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas? Jim Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets. Pam Mike Tibbets, really? Jim Mm-hmm. Ryan Hey, who's this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive? Jim Not his mom's car. Ryan Yeah, 'cause his mom's car's probably not a Nissan Z. Jim Touche? Kelly [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww! Pam Kelly, calm down. Kelly I mean, I guess he'd be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he'll get hair plugs. Pam I don't think Jim cares about his hair. Kelly Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It's called being a nice person. Dwight I don't see what's so ugly about him. He's got the broad face of a brewer. Pam Jim's on to me. Dwight Hmm? Pam Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it. Dwight Just ugly enough to have deniability. Pam Yep. Jim Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I'm in the clear. If that wasn't for the matchmaker test, then... Cathy, he's a really nice guy. Dwight Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can't lie with his body. Kelly I'm gonna write something mean on his wall. Pam No, Kelly, don't. Dwight The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there. Pam and Kelly With the crotch? Dwight With the crotch. Kevin [music plays] Whoo! Dwight Psst. We're not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed] Creed Who said that? Dwight Exactly. Creed How'd I get this long triangle? Dwight Okay, just shut it. Pam Is he puffing out his chest? Dwight I can't tell. It's unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that? Pam No. Maybe he just said something funny. Dwight Jim has no discernible sense of humor, Pam. You should know that. Pam I think he's just making her laugh. Dwight Time for me to find out. Pam Why's he making her laugh so much? Dwight Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I'm slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim's crotch] Jim Dwight! Cathy Are you okay? Dwight I'm fine, I'm totally fine. Jim Dwight! Dwight! Dwight Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight's hands away] Wha- Jim. Jim [to Cathy] Sorry about that. Dwight Aw, cramp, I'm just- [grabs Jim's crotch again] Jim Dwight! [pushes Dwight's hands away] Why? Dwight I'm sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance. Jim Leave. Dwight [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing. Pam Why was he making her laugh so much? Pam Oh, hey, I'll just be a second. Cathy Yeah, take your time. Pam Okay. Cathy [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander? Jim Mm-hmm? Cathy It was from a deleted scene so we were both right. Jim [laughs] Told you. Cathy Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or- Pam Oscar, Cathy has a question! Cathy Sorry, um, I'll just go ask Oscar. Pam [to Jim] Yeah? Jim You okay? Pam Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it. Jim Okay, what can I do to make you believe me? Pam Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now. Dwight She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate. Pam Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do. Dwight And she called it nuts? Darryl Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going. Kevin Mm-hmm. Andy Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan? Kevin Are you serious? From Star Trek? Darryl [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that? Val I caught it. Darryl What, you don't like the blues? Val I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues. Andy Well, we are playing. We're all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It's a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts] Val I think the music left without you. Dwight Come on. Jim Stop shoving me. Dwight [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs. Jim [to Pam] Really? Pam This could all go away if you just tell me the truth. Old Man Uh, are you all in line? Dwight Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert? Jim Si. Pam Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him? Dwight We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is. Old Man You have to share the machine with others. Dwight [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten. Jim Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first. Old Man Thank you. Dwight Jim, are you serious? Jim Oh, you know what? This reminds me, Cece needs a new toothbrush. Andy Maybe we could switch instruments. Kevin Yeah. Andy 'Cause, uh, my body's starting to get bruised. Darryl Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right? Andy We had to leave because of creative differences. Darryl Yeah they kind of had a specific sound that didn't really fit in with our thing. Kevin Guys, this means they're Kevin and the Zits now. Darryl No man, we are. Andy Well- Darryl No, no, no. Dwight [to old man] Okay, you're done. Old Man I have a new heart, you know. Dwight Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we? Jim No, I'm not worried. Because this lie isn't for me, it's for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back... yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven't had in years. But in my defense, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time. Dwight Do you find Cathy Simms attractive? Jim No. Dwight Yep, he's lying. Pam Ah, see, was that so hard? Jim I am not lying. Pam Really? Jim Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test? Dwight I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really? Pam Wait, what? Dwight Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar. Pam Jim, you have high blood pressure. Dwight Oh, he is definitely attracted to her. Pam Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure? Jim Yeah, but I don't smoke. Pam When was the last time you went to the doctor? Jim I don't know. Dwight It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it- Pam Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you? Jim Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul. Dwight It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man. Jim Okay. Pam Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor. Dwight Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name? Pam Just go home. It doesn't matter. Dwight But... hey, Cece's toothbrush. Jim Thank you. Andy and Darryl Oh baby I love your way. Darryl Every day. Andy and Darryl Wanna be with you night and day. Darryl and Kevin And day. Andy and Darryl Oh baby I love your way. Andy [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.