Andy [Flickering Lights] Hey everybody it's closing time. You don't got to go home but you can't stay here. [Plays radio and the song is Closing Time by Semisonic] Erin [Laughs and shrieks] Andy Closing time. Andy Every office needs an end of the day tradition. Something to tell you the day is over. Otherwise, you go home and the night just feels like more day. It's weird. Andy Closing time Jim [On phone] ...W R K. Andy One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer. Jim Uh no it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time, maybe that's what you are hearing. Andy Come on pam! Andy/Pam [Singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from. Pam Let's see. Andy has been manager for a hundred and five days. Which means I've heard 'Closing Time' a hundred and five times. [nods and shakes head] Still don't know the words. Tah wa Ta way hm hm home and home and home. Andy I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. [Pulls towel through legs] I know who I want to take me home. [Spins Meredith in chair] Take me hooo...hooome! You know what fine! I try to start fun traditions for you guys, but if you don't want to sing... no traditions! Stanley [singing] Closing time every new beginning... Stanley I've never heard that song before. And once I heard it, I did not care for it, but that song means it's time to go home. Now...it's my favorite song. Andy/Stanley [singing] Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. Stanley Goodnight. Andy Whose your favorite iron chef? Robert [speaking at the same time as andy] This is atrocious. Andy You go first. Robert The ticketing software paints a picture of a sloppy, careless, error prone office. Andy Well the monitoring software is a double edged sword. Sometimes... Dwight [runs in and interrupts] Sorry, go ahead. Robert [to dwight] Did you need something from us? Dwight Wha...Yes. Your attention. Uh because... No that is all. [walks out] Dwight Last night I dreamed that the number two was the most valued number in the world. The vice president had all the power. Athletes fought for silver medals. Women were considered the best gender. And stadiums of fans shouted "We're number two!'. As with all my dreams, I'm guessing it was about my fear of immigrants. Robert Last week an accounting mistake resulted in a client getting their order for free. Andy Umpf...that's not good. Chalk that one up to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb out there. Robert Who are they? Andy They're both Kevin. Oscar is the Sex and the City gang and Angela, if you can picture... Robert Andrew sometimes I feel like you don't know me at all. Andy I would agree with that. Robert Simply...end the mistakes Andy End the mistakes, easy- Robert When I come back next week and this report shows me no mistakes, we can talk about names, all day. Our favorite names, silly made up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn't that be nice? Andy I would like that. Robert End the mistakes. That is all I ask. [gets up from chair] And you can't have a favorite Iron Chef. It depends entirely on the secret ingredient. Sometimes I feel you don't know food at all. Jim I'm just saying with the NBA lockout I think roller derby's in a really good place now. So...my pitch is...me, Pam, you and, someone else maybe Justine. Darryl Nahh! [shakes head] No. Not Justine. Never Justine. Jim Is that off again? Darryl Oh yeah. Jim Ok. Val Hey, mandatory warehouse safety meeting. Today. Darryl Ahh...We don't really do those. We just sign the thing. Val Are you really this lazy? Darryl I'll be there. Gabe Hey. Val Hey. Gabe Monday's suck. Val Yeaha...yup. [awkward silence then points to door] Just trying to get in. Dwight I may have a little solution to our mistakes problem. This is a project I've been working on for quite some time and today, might be the day to use it. Andy What do you got? Dwight [opens folder] Allow me. You're going to love this. [struggles opening folder] Ugh...should've used a shorter string. Never mind, I know it by heart. It is a system that holds people accountable for everyone else's work. Andy Sounds controversial. Dwight Have I not been worthy of your trust? Have I not been a reliable number two? Andy Do not go there! You're the deuce I never want to drop. Dwight Well, I can make this work. I'll set it up right now. Just need your go ahead. Andy Go do the voodoo that you do so well. Dwight I will do my voodoo. Andy Mmhmmm. Gabe Hey. I need you to get the paperwork rolling on a new workplace relationship. Toby For you? Gabe Yes. For Gabe. Toby Who are you seeing? That's gr... Gabe Whom I'm seeing is Val from down in the warehouse. Toby Oh. Gabe I'm not technically seeing her, but uh I've seen her, with the eyes and uh there was attraction. In at least one direction. So..[holds up fist] Toby You know I don't have to do the paperwork unless you're actually dating. Gabe Ok, but once this starts, it's going to be moving fast. It's going to be hot and heavy and I don't want a bunch of bureaucratic red tape wrapped around my jock. You know? Toby But I mean...uh have you talked to her? Is sh... Gabe Yeah we had a whole conversation about Mondays... Toby Do you know her last name, yet? Gabe Toby I'm going to tell you her last name tomorrow because she's going to be screaming it tonight. Toby She's going to be screaming her own last name? Gabe Hey! Watch it. Toby Good luck Gabe. Andy Hi guys. I just wanted to say that, you all have been doing amazing work., really. Kevin Thank you. Andy And I'd like to add that your work has been a little sloppy. So, Dwight and I have implemented a new program that we like to call...Dwight... Dwight The accountability booster. It registers every time a mistake has been made in the office. From a late delivery to an accounting error. Five strikes in a day equals a home run. One home run and you're out. Andy If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens like we block Minesweeper. Dwight Or in this case an email gets sent to Robert California containing the consultants report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shutdown? And as a fail-safe also every negative email you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him. Kelly What emails are you talking about? Dwight Robert's favorite songs: Creep by TLC, Creep by Radio Head. You remember that one Jim? There is no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper. Oscar. He eats his yogurt like he is punishing it for disappointing him. Kelly. Kelly That's not that bad actually. Dwight P.S. We should should kill him. Jim Wait, so you installed a doomsday device? Dwight No, it's an accountability booster. Jim Which when it goes off it destroys everything. Very similar to a doomsday device. Dwight Jim, you're trying to make me sound like some kind of evil maniac. Now the point is that we are now working in an environment where we have accountability to each other. I am confident that you guys are equal to the task. Kelly Um, no we're not and you are a psycho who is ruining our lives. Ryan We can't do this Dwight. Dwight [Everyone angrily disagreeing]Smile...nod. Smile and nod. Dwight They are making me out to be a Bond villian. I like to think of myself as a brilliant scientist who will stop at nothing to remake the world. Like...not Doctor Moreau someone good. Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Jekyll, not them. Doctor... Andy Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean the thing about this office is, we make a lot of mistakes. Dwight But the device will change that. Without a safety net, people will improve. Andy Alright everybody, looks like we need to be getting to work. Be extra careful. Double check everything or the accountability booster will getcha. Stanley This doomsdays device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Oscar There's an easy way to tell if this device is a sham. We just make a mistake. I'll send an order down to shipping before we've received payment. Dwight [alert goes off] Oh, there's one mistake. Erin Now we only have four strikes left until a home run. Andy Dwight's our co-worker and he worked really hard on this doomsday device so I... Dwight It's not a doomsday device, gosh. [Erin makes red strike on desk] We can do this you guys. Warehouse Crew First. Second. Darryl It's not a race. Warehouse Crew Thirrrr....third. Darryl Who knows what the belt is for? Gabe It's for protecting my ass. When you suckers lift more than you can handle. Sup, I'm Gabe. Corporate. Continue. Don't be nervous. Darryl Apparently we have a visitor. Gabe, everyone. Warehouse Crew Hi, gabe. Darryl All right so the support belt. Now this one is mine. Doesn't get much use nowadays. Gabe Look at this, this is enormous. Gabe I get the sense that Val enjoys a good putdown. Considering that's the only thing I know about her. I will be milking that hard. [Gestures milking a cow] Gabe It's like a hula hoop. Right. Mele Kalikimaka is the wise way. Darryl You done? Gabe The Michelin man called, he wants his cummerbund back. Phyllis Remember we have to give Rigo Escrow their refund by five. Kevin I'm on it. Angela Kevin, maybe I should handle that. We really need you to focus on your project. Kevin Good thinking. Kevin Apparently a big client for this company, needs to know the story of how paper gets made. Angela Oscar, use a calculator. [Oscar shakes head] Oscar When the stakes are this high, there is only one computer that I trust. And it's powered by thai food and spanish reds. [points to his head] Andy Alright everybody, you are doing great! Dwight Well, I wouldn't say that. Three mistakes already is pretty terrible, but I do see improvement. Meredith kept someone on hold for thirty minutes and now look she's hard at work. [Meredith gives dwight the finger] Jim Dwight, question. Dwight No questions. Jim If this doomsday device goes off... Dwight Accountability booster. Jim If this bad idea goes off and we all lose our jobs. Are you going to feel good about that? Dwight I haven't even considered it. That's how sure I am that this accountability booster is going to work. Stanley Try mose1234. Ryan Dwight would never be that obvious. Try something like...z64$8. [incorrect password] Not that exactly Jim, something like that. Jim Ok. Dwight How about Scrantonstrangler666. Jim Nope. Dwight No. Oh shoot. Ha ha ha...You guys are never gonna shut down the machine, ok? But I appreciate your energy and your team work. If you applied this to your regular work, You won't even notice that the device is there, watching you ready to strike. Kelly Wha...what's Dwight's mothers name. Jim Hmm...Heda. [alert] No. Darryl Once you read the packet, sign the back. Gabe Hey Darryl, I was thinking, uh, maybe while we read through this, uh, you could grab us all some coffee. My treat. It's a hundred dollar bill. Should cover it I think. Don't bring me any of that caramel soy latte crap, ok? I want a decaf frappuccino. Val... Darryl Actually, Val, why don't you come with? I'll need the extra hands to carry them back. Val Yeah, sure. Gabe Uh. Darryl Mmhmm. [points at gabe] Caramel soy latte. Gabe Decaf frap- Darryl Got it. Angela You sent the late notice to Ryan Heart & Wolf. Right? Oscar Mhm. Six-forty, six-twenty. Angela Six-seventy, six-twenty. Oscar Nuh uh. Angela yes! Oscar Five eighty-eight plus fifteen percent- Oh no. Kevin What does this mean? What does it mean! Oscar Andy. [alert sounds] Angela Ohhhh! Andy Gahhh. That's five strikes. Stanley [pulls out Brandy bottle] Well...I was saving this for my retirement, which I guess is today. Andy Dwight we got five strikes. Dwight Really? Andy Did the email go out or... Dwight It goes out automatically at five P.M. Andy Well, th- There's gotta be a way to stop it. Dwight Well, I would have to enter my password in order to cancel it. Andy Ok! Dwight you may now enter your password. Dwight No. Andy What?! Dwight You don't deserve to have this branch. Five mistakes in less than a day. Phyllis We did our best. Dwight No you didn't, Phyllis. You complained the whole time. You yelled at me. You tried to break into the machine. [everyone interjects] What?! Erin You're a real crumb bum, you know that? Dwight Hey, you can't just change the rules because you don't like the outcome. What about you, Kevin? What about you and your fake task? Can you tell me now where paper comes from? Kevin Uh, the man tree puts its penis- Dwight Ha. Ok, alright. Andy back me up here, please. Andy Nn no. Dwight What? Andy No! Oscar Dwight be human for once. Shut down the machine. Kelly Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut down the machine!!! [erin joins in yelling] Shut it down! Shut it down! Dwight Good luck finding a new job idiots. I'll make sure to write you a glowing reference. Glowingly negative. Erin Dwight's car is gone. Pam I bet he went home. Andy Some of us should go there and talk some sense into him. Get him to stop that email. Andy Pam, you should come with me. Dwight really likes you and your breasts are enormous that could help us. Kevin Yeah. Andy Kevin has that lovability. Kevin Guys come on. I'm right here. Andy Jim, I want you to go find Robert just be where he is in case that email goes out at five. You can try to delete it or something. Jim Ok, where is he? Erin Uh, he's at some club where you either eat squash or play squash. Jim I'll try both. Dwight [digging] Oh. Come to reason with me? Andy Gotcha something. [gives Dwight cap, Dwight throws it aside] And, uh, I just really want to talk to you- Dwight Get lost. Andy Well now hold on it, it- Pam What are you doing? Dwight What does it look like I'm doing? Digging a grave for a horse. Pam Uhm. Erin Do you need a hand? Pam Yeah, do you need a hand? [everyone joins in] Dwight If you hit another horse, you've dug to far. Robert I'll see you next week Will. [at the club, playing squash] Jim Robert. Robert Jim what are you...What a surprise. Jim Yeah, well, you know just had a meeting. Squash meeting. Robert Yeah. Jim You up for a game? Robert A game or a match? Jim Exactly. Here we go. Let's do it. Pam Are you okay, Kevin? [Kevin gives thumbs down] Andy [to Dwight] Where you going? Dwight In. I'm hungry. Pam Uh, could we come in too? Just for some water. Dwight Okay. Take off your shoes. Except you Kevin, they stay on. Pam Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is. Dwight This is the new addition, built my Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009. Val That's too much Doodle and not enough Lab. Darryl Yeah, when are they gonna do a Labradoodle that's just Lab? Val That's what I'm sayin'. Gabe [to Val] Hey. You're welcome. Val Thanks for the coffee. Gabe So, tonight I was thinking, I'm gonna go to the cemetery. I'm gonna drink a little wine and I thought maybe you'd like to come with me. Val Are you asking me on a date? Gabe Yes, I am. Val Because I don't date coworkers. It's not personal, it's a matter of policy. Gabe I could quit. Problem solved. Val Don't quit. [Darryl eavesdropping, nods] Darryl Good policy. Sensible. Smart. Jim Alright. Serving. Serving. Serving. Serving. Robert In the box. Jim In the box. [hits it straight into the floor] Oscar Why haven't we heard anything? It's 4:45. There's only 15 minutes left. Angela Oh, now you can do math? Where were you 2 hours ago 'A Beautiful Mind'- Oscar I made a mistake. I'm sorry. Stanley I know how to save the company, everyone. Just write a petition, get everyones' signature, including our clients, march down to Florida, and shove it up your butt! Ha! [laughing and drinking Brandy] Oscar It's not that funny. Erin [Kevin comes around corner with a pan, ready to strike Dwight, Pam shakes her head] Oh, Pam. You got something on your shirt. Pam Oh, haha. Oh well. Pobody's nerfect, right? Dwight Did you just have a stroke, Pam? It's "Nobody's perfect." Nice stroke, Pam. Pam No. It's a jokey saying. Pobody's nerfect, like I can't even say those words right. Ha. Dwight I hadn't heard that before, that's, that's funny. Andy Dwight, there's just a small matter of a- Pam You know what would go so great with this cabbage pie? Milk. Dwight Any specific animal? Pam I'm thinking cow- Dwight Don't say cow- Ugh. Andy What are you doing? It's 5 to 5. Pam Just don't talk about the email, okay? He's gonna cancel it on his own, I really think he will. Andy That's insane! Pam Just trust me. Andy Trust you, like I trusted Dwight this morning. Pam I got this. Andy Enngh- Pam Hahhh, thanks for everything. Dwight Sive drafely. [Pam points back at him, smiling] Kevin Isn't it supposed to be, "Drive safely"? Jim [a text tone goes off] Is that my phone? Robert Sounded like mine. Jim Nah, I think it's mine. Lemme just check real quick, here. Alright. Robert Well, it's mine. You took it out of my bag. Jim Oh, oh yeah. Robert Can I have it? Jim Yes. Right now? Yes. Robert Yep. Jim Here you go. [throws it over glass] Robert Whoa, no, wait, wait, wait, whoa. [tries to catch it with racket, misses, lands on floor] Robert [censored beep] ha, Jesus. Jim Awww, sorry. Did it break? Robert Nah, it's good. Jim You sure? Robert Yeah. Jim What kinda iPhone is that? Robert It's the standard one. The one everyone has. Jim Oh yeah. I have the one that nobody has. Is there anything interesting? Robert It depends Jim. Do you find one-day only Jet Blue sales to Buffalo interesting? Jim Ha ha. No, I don't. No, I don't. Alright, well, I am sore and obviously horrible at this, so- [texting on his phone] Robert My serve! Pam [her text tones rings] Dwight stopped the device! Andy Oh! Kevin Yes! Erin Haho! Oscar [his phone vibrates] He stopped it! Ryan Oh! [everyone yelling out, celebrating] We still have our jobs. Dwight They're not my favorite people in the world. I wouldn't even call them friends. They come over here, eat my pie, dig the crappiest horse grave you've ever seen. [pulls cap he previously discarded, out of the dirt] God, I'm gonna have to work with them forever, aren't I? Robert Take it easy. Nice and easy. Jim [hits ball, ricochets to groin] Ah! Classic, right? [Jim continues to rally poorly and falls down] Robert Oo! Jim I'm alright. Robert You alright? Jim Yep. Robert Skinned knee. Jim Yep. Ah. Oh. [and skinned elbow] Robert Oo, a little ice on that maybe. Jim Yeah. That does not feel good. Robert Okay. My serve. Andy Let's not make any mistakes today. Or at least no more than four. Stanley This doomsday device sounds like a scare tactic to me. Y2K all over again. Stanley Oh, I was all about the Y2K bug. Paid some guy to update my PC, threw out my microwave, canceled my plane ticket, sold all my stocks, spent New Year's Eve with a gas mask on my face. I was even wearing a diaper! Someone said Y2K would get the toilets. Pam This could be real. Dwight's pretty handy with computers. He fixed my laptop once. Jim Ok, he didn't fix it. The brightness level was all the way down. Pam You couldn't fix it. Jim I wasn't here that day. Pam Yes you were. Jim No- Ok. Well, we'll talk about it later. Straussburg! I had a meeting in Straussburg and I dropped you off beforehand. I was wearing a tan shirt with stripes? Pam I don't think so, babe. Jim Ok, this is crazy. Jim I have never played squash. But I have seen it in countless 80's movies and it seems like the most common mistake is that you serve too hard and hit yourself right in the squash balls. So, as long as I don't do that, I think I'll be alright. Robert Eleven love. I win again. Jim [grunts] Good game. You are a worthy opponent. You wanna play one more? Robert I don't think so. Jim No? Come on. Robert Why? Not only are you terrible at squash, but you don't even seem to enjoy it. Jim, this is not enough of a challenge for me. Jim Well, that is... because you didn't realize that... I was left-handed. Darryl What are you doing here, Gabe? Gabe Well Darryl, considering that I basically own the place, I'm just chillin' at mi casa. This is me, in repose..I suppose. Gabe You know, there's this expression: Bro's before Ho's. And what that's short for is brothers before whores. Uh, I don't buy that. I would throw any brother under the bus for any whore. Woman. Andy Robert, do you wanna smoke pipes during our meeting? Robert Let's wait, until we have something to smoke about. Andy Yes. Of course. [whispers] Erin..[throws pipes at Erin] Dwight Hey, Andy. Andy Yeah? Dwight Maybe I could sit in on this one with you? You know, that way I can cover you in case you need to urinate or you just want another opinion, or defecate... Andy I don't think so. Dwight Well I just thought with my new increased responsibilities and all... Andy Yeah. I'm still figuring out the two man bobsled here, so let's hold off on the D-man for now.