Pam Hey. How you doing? Darryl Thinking about my grandmother a lot. Pam Yeah. Darryl She was about to turn 97. Pam At least she lived a very long and I'm sure, a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you. Darryl Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop." Pam It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday. Darryl "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"? Andy Birthday punches! [softly punching Darryl in the stomach] One two three four five sice seven eight! Pam I'm so sorry. Darryl [tears welling up in his eyes] Andy ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!... Andy ...So I got an early res at Blue Wasabi and I'm taking Rachel. She's picking me up after work. Darryl Rachel from the party? Andy Oh, yeah! Darryl Nice. Do the damn thing. - Pow! [they fist bump and explode] Phyllis Blue Wasabi is so good, but get the cheeseburger. They say they won't do it, but they will if you make a scene. Holly Okay, bye. Okay, bye. [kisses Michael] I'll miss you. Michael Miss you. Okay. I'll be in my office if you need me. Holly Bye. Michael Okay, bye. Bye. All right, bye. Bye... bye. Holly Okay, one more quick one. Michael Don't go. I don't want you to go. Oh don't go. Don't go. Michael Holly and I are dating. It's been a week, and I still can't believe it. [sighs] It goes to show that everything you want in life, you get. And you can't work for it. It just comes to you. Gabe And what do we have here? Erin From my secret admirer. That's you! Gabe Come on. Gabe I dominate Valentine's Day. I practically make romance into a science. Erin "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a romantic scavenger hunt! Gabe Oh, close. It's a romantic treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse. Good luck. Erin But, there's no clue. Gabe Well, get to work. Erin I can't, 'cause there's no clue. Gabe The puzzle is the clue. Erin Oh. Oscar [clears throat] Michael [rubbing hands with Holly] Are these numbers correct? Oscar The numbers are correct, Michael. Michael Okay. Oscar [clears throat more loudly] Michael Are you... are you sick, Oscar? Do you need to go home? 'Cause you're grossing me out. Oscar I jus... I just need a signature. Jim [getting out of a taxi] There you go. Thanks. Pam How much did you give him? Jim Big tip. Pam Wait. I don't have my scarf. Jim What? Pam I'm missing my scarf. Oh. [both laugh] Jim We decided to have a Valentine's day lunch and then that way we can spend the entire night with Cece and avoid the Valentine's day dinner thing. It's a whole thing. Pam [loudly] Yeah, lunch was wonderful! Jim Shh. Pam Um, there was an amazing buffet and there was a chocolate fondue... station. And what else was there? Jim Um, bottomless champagne. Pam Yes. Never found that bottom, did we? Jim No. Erin Psst! Psst! Andy What's up? Erin Are you good at jigsaw puzzles? Andy Are you kidding me? It's all I did every summer when my brothers were out sailing. Erin Okay. Andy But if there is a romantic thing with Gabe, I should probably... Erin Oh! No, no, no, no. It's not weird at all. You have your new girlfriend. I have Gabe. This is just as friends. Andy Well, okay then. Erin Yes! Andy At least until Stanley calms down. Erin Oh, is he... Andy D...d...d...d...don't look. I accidentally did his Sudoku. [Stanley glares at Andy] Erin Andy. Jim [on phone] All right, I will fax over it to you. Whoop. I will fax it over to you. Okay. Thank you. [chuckles] Dwight Okay, my name is j...j...j...j...j...j...j...j Jim Halpert and I will fax it in to you... under you. I'll fax it under you. Oh, excuse me. I just p...p...p...p pissed my pants. Not really. I didn't really. [clears throat] Jim [goes to hand Dwight a valentines card] Wait. Dwight You're just filling that out right now. That wasn't meant for me. I will not be your Valentine. Jim Aww, nuts. [laughs] Angela I don't know if anyone else feels this way and don't get me wrong, I love Michael and Holly, and maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but... the PDA. Oscar Yes! The freaking PDA! Angela Uh-huh. Oscar Thank you! I mean, I'm thrilled for them. Angela No one is more thrilled for them than I am... Oscar Yes, yes, absolutely. Angela ...but it's totally inappropriate. Darryl Yeah, it's a little much. Phyllis Mm-hmm. Darryl Obviously, so happy for them both. Oscar So happy. Yeah. Kevin I don't know, guys. I, for one, enjoy watching them, because... Angela No, stop! Just don't. Oscar Kevin! Kevin Can I finish? Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying...I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny. Everyone [groans] Angela God! Kevin! Erin So tell me about your new girlfriend. Andy She's neat. Uh, I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there. Erin Aww, cute. Andy Hey, look at that. Done. Erin That's Gabe's boom box. Come on. We have to go find it. Andy I wish you well on your quest. Erin No, come on. Andy Aww, I mean... Erin [growling] Come on! Andy Okay. Erin Ha! Gabe [to Toby] I hear them kissing all the time. It's this horrible plipping sound. You know, it's like Chinese water torture. Just...[makes popping sound] like it's coming from my own head. Michael Sit. Okay, just close your eyes. [massaging Holly's back] Holly Ohh. Can you get lower? Michael Oh, yeah. Holly A little lower. Holly I cannot keep myself from Michael. Everything he does is sexy. He has this undeniable animal magnetism. He's a jungle cat. The man exudes sex. He can put both his legs behind his head. Gabe Thank you all for meeting on such sort notice. Michael [clears throat] Gabe Yes? Michael [sitting in Holly's lap] Yes. Michael Scott, Dunder Mifflin. What is the purpose of this meeting? Gabe Seeing as it's Valentine's Day, I felt it would be apropos to have a little refresher course on romance in the workplace. Michael Perfect. Yes. It is quite apro-propriate. Carry on. Gabe First things first. An office romance is permissible. Not something you'd expect to hear from corporate. Well, guess what. Sabre is 100% tolerant of office romances. Ryan Speaking of, Gabe, I don't see Erin at this meeting. Meredith Uh, I also don't see Andy. Kevin Oooh. Jim OOH! Boom! Face! Gabe I get it. Andy's slamming my girlfriend. Very funny. What I do not approve of, however, is public displays of affection, or PDAs. PDAs are totally superfluous to a happy, healthy office romance. Perfect example. Look at Jim and Pam. Pam Yeah. What? Us? Gabe They don't touch. They don't kiss. You would hardly even know that they were husband and wife. Jim Did it! Pam Yeah! Jim Love it. Keep it goin. Gabe Okay. So, PDAs. That's gonna include behaviors such as hugging, kissing, uh... Kevin Booby honking. Gabe Yeah, booby honking. Sure. Kevin Butt honking. Gabe Butt honking. Yeah, all the honking. Creed The one where you start in a crouches position, then you leap... Gabe Sure. Basically, there's no precise definition, but you know it when you see it. Ahem. Oscar Are you guys listening to this? Michael What, are you talking about me and Holly? Pam Yeah! Gabe Maybe you find your own chair. Holly So we kiss occasionally. Oscar Not occasionally. All the time. Phyllis Yeah, and it's not just the kissing. It's the flirtatious whispering. Stanley The flirtatious tickling. Michael Whispering and tickling have their place in business. Darryl That thing were you softly exhale on her neck. Michael I... Okay, yeah, that's pretty hot. I will give you that. Look, you are all hypocrites. You all do it. Dwight Michael. Confession: Michael No, no, it's great. I love working at Dunder Mifflin, a division of Taliban enterprises. Pam That's weird. I mean, that's weird to have sex in the office. That's where you work, right? Jim Mm-hmm. Pam You know, you're in a meeting, and nobody knows that you've had sex there, except for you and him. Jim [snorts] Ew. Erin Don't mind us. You keep working. Darryl Okay. I'll keep working. Erin Oh, my God. It's a song. Andy Whoa. Erin What do you think is on it? Andy [softy] We should actually probably talk about it outside or we might make Darryl mad. Erin [softly] Not if we're talking like this. I think it's okay. He doesn't seem to hear us. Andy I think he can hear us. Andy [softly] That makes sense, 'cause I feel like I'd be able to hear us at this level. Erin Darryl. Andy Darryl is a jerk. Erin No, he's not. Andy No, I'm just testing if he can hear. Darryl I can hear you. Andy Oh. Okay. Erin Okay. Then no more talking. Let's just play the song. Boom Box [Gabe singing] The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. The temp at night. Andy The temp at night? Erin What do you... Darryl You got it. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy Pi... Darryl Pick it up. Andy Okay. Darryl Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up. Take it out. Andy Right. Okay. Holly Sorry to interrupt. Forgot to collect my things. Michael Ah, the old "leave behind." Oldest trick in the book. Good thing it's working. Holly Oh, no. Michael, I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Michael Since when is comfort the most important thing? I mean, I don't... I don't sit on your lap because it's comfortable. I sit on your lap because I like the way your thighs feel on my butt. Holly Yeah, but if they're uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable. Michael Oh. Okay. Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, then we'll stop. Holly Okay. Michael Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart. Michael Hey, you know why people here are complaining? They are jealous of two people in love on Valentine's Day. Holly Two people in love? Michael I love you. Holly Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean you love me? We've only been dating for a week. Do you mean you love me like, "oh, hey, there's Holly. I love that girl." Or you do you mean you love me like you love me-love me? Michael I love you-love you. Holly Wow, you love me-love me. I love you-love you. [both laugh] Michael I am really disappointed in the office's policy on PDA at this moment. I love you. [shakes Holly's hand] Holly I love you. Michael Yeah, whatever. No big deal. Just the hottest girl in the world loves me. Andy Okay, Ryan's the temp. What does he do at night? Erin I guess we just have to wait until night and see. Andy Oh, or maybe not. [turns out the lights] Erin [gasps] Oh. Cool. Andy How romantic is this? Erin Super romantic. Andy Right. Do you see a clue or... Erin Yeah. Did you not see it? ["Eat at Hanks" is written in glow-in-the-dark letters above the door] Andy Oh, my gosh. Erin Hanks. Jim and Pam Hey! Andy and Erin [bursting out of Ryan's closet] Hey. Andy No time to chat. Erin Sorry. Jim Well, we were just looking for Ryan, so he's not here. Ryan Hey. You're looking for me? Pam Oh, yeah, we were. We were just looking to say hi. So hey. Ryan No you weren't. Pam No, we weren't. Ryan You wanted to have sex in my office. Pam No. Jim Definitely not. That's disgusting. Ryan No. It's... it's cool. Just try to put everything back were you found it. Text me when you're finished. I'll be out here. Jim Hey, you don't have to... Pam That was so embarrassing. I'm gonna die. Jim That was really rough. Pam Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office. Jim No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place. Pam Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed. Jim And a shower. Michael Hello, Holly. Holly Hello. Michael Here, shake. No! Holly No, don't touch. Michael No, we can't. Holly No touching. Michael No touching. Ah, I'm trying not to touch you. Holly Oh. Michael Oh. Holly Almost got you. Michael Oh, no, so close. Oh. No, we can't do that. We can't do this. Ohh. Holly You're not touching me. Michael I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it. Oscar Okay, this is much worse than before. Kevin Yeah, I agree. This is nasty. Michael Grab you here. Holly And here. Michael I will grab you here anyway. [laughs] Gabe You have to cut it out. Holly Okay. Michael Never. Holly You said you would. Michael I did say I would, but I was wrong. I can't stop. You don't what it is like to love a woman and have her love you back. It is a feeling that cannot and will not, and frankly, cannot be contained. Gabe No one is a bigger fan of sexual touching than me. But with you two, it's reaching the level of a complex. I can think of three explanations. One: Holly Give me all your money and take off your clothes. Michael We're not supposed to PDA. Holly Come one. Nobody's looking. What's wrong? Michael I haven't thought about you having to go back to Nashua. Holly Maybe we didn't want to think about it. We can make it work. We'll date long-distance. Michael That's what we said last time. Remember? We broke up on the drive. How's this gonna be any different? Holly We weren't in love last time. Michael I was in love with you. Holly I'm not saying it won't be hard. But we can make it work. That's what she said. Michael [chuckles, sighs] Erin Oh. One Erin Special, please. Hank Here's your bottle of sparkling cider. Andy Hey. Erin [laughs] That's my favorite. Hank I'm now supposed to tell you to enjoy a mind-hunt break and look for a heart or some [bleep] in the break room when you're through. Kevin [through the window at Michael] Hey, buck up, buddy! Darryl Make that face he likes. Dwight Hey. Hey. Come on. You're hurting him. Michael It's like a time bomb... Dwight Shh. Michael ...is ticking down. When it goes off, no more kissing. No more hugging. Dwight Just hush. Michael Sexual time bomb. Dwight Just rock. Shh. Michael [into recorder] Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or we go against type with an Eisenberg or a Michael Cera. Dwight Movie idea? Michael No. [into recorder] Saving the world has never been this hard. Dwight Okay. Shh. Have you talked to her about your feelings? Women really go for that crap. Michael No, I can't talk to her. I can't even look at her without thinking about it ending. Dwight Kevin! Do more stupid faces. Kevin Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces. Dwight I don't know. Michael Do the monkey face. Dwight Do the monkey face! Michael I love that. I love that face. Dwight Good. He loves it. Good. Jump. Jump up and down. Michael No. The monkey! Dwight Go back to the monkey! Michael Don't do the squirrel. Throw your poop. Dwight Hurl your feces. Michael That's good. Dwight Good. Michael That's good. He's throwing it. Dwight They really do that. Michael I know. Erin [at vending machine] B-9. Andy B-9. Erin Like a benign tumor. Andy Maybe it's just more like, "be mine." Erin Oh, yes. There's a note. "A little cookie for you, my miss. But the real treasure is your Valentine's kiss." Andy Mm. Erin Mm. Oh. We're suppose to...mmm [leans in to kiss Andy] Andy Hmm. [points to Gabe blowing a kiss to Erin] Michael Holly. Hey. Holly Hi. Michael Holly, I love you so, so, so much. And I think we need to break up. Holly What? What are you talking about? Michael Actually, it's Valentine's Day. Shouldn't be doing this today. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Holly No, we're gonna talk now. You're not breaking up with me. Michael You're gonna go back to Nashua eventually, and I can't handle it. So let's just...let's... Holly What if I said it wasn't up to them? Michael Who? Holly The company. Nobody knows our future, but it's not gonna be decided by the company. It's not gonna be decided by anybody but us. What we are is up to you and me. Michael Okay. Okay. Michael Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. As of today, officially, Holly and I are moving into together. Yay! [claps] Thank you. Thank you. Oscar, this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love, my friend! Oscar Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up. Kevin Better luck next time, pal. Michael Well, the point is, there will no longer be any need for PDA here at the office between us because, when we get home, we are going to make love to and with one another, and that, to me, is the best Valentine's Day present that a person could receive. So I bid you all adieu. Holly You do? Michael I do. Oscar Go on. Kiss each other already. [they kiss] Kevin Suck it, Oscar. This must kill you. Oscar I just told them to do it! Jim What? Pam No. Jim No. We took a walk. Pam We took a walk. Dwight My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago. Ryan Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. Kelly Flowers, diamonds, three-course meal, violinist comes to my table to serenade me... Kevin Pizza, soda, the moon, someone to share it with. Michael What are our plans for tonight? Umm... Holly [imitates a squeaky bed] [laughter]