Dwight [picks up pencil between his toes] Jim Why? Dwight Twenty minutes a day Jim, that's all it takes. Twenty minutes a day, all feet, no hands and I'll have the pedi-dexterity of a chimp, and you'll be sitting there like an idiot. [attempts to place pencil in pencil sharpener] Okay. Here we go. Ah, yes. [accidentally kicks items from his desk onto Pam's] Pam Do you mind? Dwight I'm sorry Pam, allow me to write you an apology letter. Pam You don't have to do that. Dwight [typing with his toes] D-E-A. Oop, backspace. A. Dear. Jim [whistling, places cup of coffee onto Dwight's desk] Ahh, Thank you hands. Nothing else in the universe can do what you do. Dwight [lifts cup up with toes] Jim Oh, don't worry about it. Dwight, its okay. You were wrong. Dwight [spills hot coffee on himself] Uhh, aah! Jim Well, A for effort right? Dwight [taps Jim's hand with his foot] Hank Welcome, start your morning right with a burst of blueberry. Or try plain. Andy What's the occasion? Hank Dwight said this entry was a waste of space. Andy I would like a muffa du blueberry por favor. Hank Eight dollars. Andy Eight dollars? Dwight Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy, and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money. Michael [examines items on the reception desk] Mmhmm, China. China. Erin How was the dentist? Michael It was great. China. Pam Are you okay, what's wrong? Michael Everything here was made in China, Pam. Andy Yeah, its where they make stuff. Michael They used to make stuff in America, Andy. But we're falling behind, did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir. Erin Oh, no. Michael Yeah, right here. It is right there. [holds up magazine] Anybody read the news any more? Dwight China is on the move? Michael I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office. This kid had the magazine I wanted to read, that's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again. Michael My whole life I believed that America was number one, that was the saying. Not America is number two. England is number two. China should be like eight. Darryl Hey Andy. Andy Hey Darryl. Darryl You gotta stop texting me so much. Andy But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today. It's insane. Darryl You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text. Ask yourself is this something Darryl needs to know. The answers almost always no. Andy Got it. Then I will call you. Darryl No. Darryl There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over baby." And I would text back "BTB", bring that booty. Stanley Dwight, why is the toilet paper only half a ply? Dwight I'm sorry, isn't that good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is. Pam Umm, Stanley. Maybe you could just unspool a little more each time you need to... Stanley Don't tell me how to do my business. Dwight Stanley, as a fellow Dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you. But, like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner. Jim Which is you. Dwight "Which is you" is not a sentence. Jim I disagree with. Stanley Are you just gonna sit there, Office Administrator, or are you going to do something? Pam Dwight, can we talk about these cutbacks. Dwight Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman. If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule and appointment. Pam I'm not going to do that. Dwight Well then you're not going to talk to the new building owner. Which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy. Nate [on the phone] Y'ello. Pam Hi Nate, Its Pam Halpert. Nate Oh, hey Pam. Pam Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight. Nate Let me put you on hold for just one 'eensy sec. Pam Sure. Dwight [answers phone] Dwight Schrute. Mhm. Tell her I'm busy. I don't know, make something up. Nate Hey Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in connection with a string of dog-nappings that ha... Pam [hangs up phone] Dwight. Dwight. Can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with, people he's worked with for years. His friends. Dwight You know what Pam? You're right. This isn't just a business. This is a home, and I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity. [Kevin smiles] Erin Oh my God. Michael What? Erin According to the internet, the tallest man in the world is Chinese. Michael So much for keeping our secrets up high. Erin What's America gonna do? Michael I know what we're going to do. We're going to put our best minds on it. Michael Everybody stop working. I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number one superpower, where forks are irrelevant, and where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello. Now open your eyes. Angela You never told us to close them. Michael Welcome to your future. Phyllis What do we do? How do we stop this? Michael How do we stop it? With a big idea. That's what America is built on, big ideas. Blue jeans, the Grand Canyon. Whose got one, whose got a big idea? Pam An idea bigger than the Grand Canyon? Michael Yes, indeed. Yes Kevin. Kevin An antacid that you only take once a week. Michael Once a week antacid is the idea to beat. Anyone else? Nobody? Okay then we are... yes. Kevin Michael! An antacid pill that you take once every six weeks. Stanley Why not just go one for the year? Michael I don't know. Kevin It's too big of a pill to swallow. Michael Alright. Erin What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy, and then we all kill him, but first we take out like a hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy. I bet you guys like that idea don't you? Erin I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing. Michael I don't know what the [expletive] that was. Dwight I say we bomb 'em. By 2020, they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste for protein. We'll all starve. Phyllis Yeah, Dwight's right we should drop a bomb. Michael No he's not right. We're not. Where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are fifty six cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine. Erin [gasps] Oscar Actually, that's not true. I know the figure you're referring to, and it's a projection of fifteen years from now. Kevin Thank God. Michael No, no. That is right now. Oscar Michael, China's agrarian. Urbanizing fast? You bet 'cha, but still agrarian. Michael In terms of land, not population. Oscar Come on Michael. You can... Michael No, no you're wrong about this. Oscar Where are you getting this information? Michael I got it from NewYorkTimes.com Kevin Uh oh, getting nervous Oscar? Jim Okay, someone look it up. Ryan I'm on it Jim. I'm on it. Oscar Guys its not worth it really. Guys this is not worth our time. Darryl [reads text] "Are you watching this?" Seriously? Andy Well are you? Darryl I'm sitting right here. Ryan Got it. China has fifty six cities with a population of over one million. The US has... nine. Meredith Suck it Oscar. Jim Well on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael. Oscar Great. I was wrong. I'm wrong. Is everyone happy? Michael So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office. So what? [laughs] I don't care. Michael Okay, now where were we before I bested Oscar? Meredith Wow, so this building can get uglier. Stanley I will not work in a roach billboard. Gabe Oh my God, I can't look at roaches. Angela Michael do something about this. Michael Absolutely, Pam this is exactly why I hired you as Office Administrator, handle it. Taking care of business. Pam Dwight take it down. Dwight [chuckles] Pam I'm serious, take it down or else. Dwight Or else? Or else what? There's nothing you can do. Pam We can move out. Angela [lights turn off] Really? [jumps to try and activate motion sensor, Kevin walks through the door setting it off, and the lights come back on] Pam So, does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last 2 hours? Jim Oh God, I've been playing Zombie Soccer for two hours? Pam I went out to look for a better office space. Dwight Waste of time. Pam Not really, because I found one. Jim Oh wow, these are nice. Pam Yup. Dwight Let me see. Pam Look at the huge offices Jim, check out that conference room. Jim Yeah, yeah. Totally. Dwight You can't just move out. Pam Oh in three months we can. Check the lease, and if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving. Hey guys, can I show you some pictures. Andy [without looking at the pictures] Oh my gosh she is so cute. She looks like both of you. Pam They're not of Cece. Andy Oh, cool. Pam This is possibly our new Dunder Mifflin office. Phyllis Well I like being in the same building as Bob. Keeps me honest. Pam Well, this building isn't far, and its much newer. There's a dry cleaner, nail place and a gym. Oh, and it's next-door to and Outback so it always smells like steak. Stanley Are you trying to kill me? Kelly Is the nail place Koreans or whites? Pam Koreans. Kelly Good. And the dry cleaners? Pam White. Kelly Good. Jim Woah, there is a lot of brainpower in this room. We've got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office, also in that order. Oscar Funny Jim. That is funny. Michael Very comedically humorous Jim. Kelly I have a computer question. Hey Oscar? Oscar What is it? Kelly Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael? Oscar Alright. Alright I get it. Kelly Michael, how do I create a new tab? Michael Try 'Control P'. Oscar That's print. Michael Not if the printer isn't hooked up. You are making some very dangerous assumptions Oscar. Kelly Oscar it must be killing you to know that Michael is smarter than you. Oscar He's... he's not smarter than me, he was just right about one thing. Kelly Yeah, but it was a really smart thing to be right about, actually. Ryan Actually, it was. Jim Around here, Oscar is known as 'actually' because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts, or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican. Darryl [reading text] Megan Fox. Question mark. What's that mean? Andy Megan Fox! Come on! Darryl You know what, you're one bad text away from getting blocked. Andy Yes, but one good text away from a high five. Darryl You accept these terms? Andy Oh, its on. Dwight In your perfect would, what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list. Kevin Well, I wish for a million wishes. Dwight Yeah, no. I'm not a genie. I'm just talking about a... Kevin Then see you later building. Dwight You can't possibly be serious. Kevin I said see you later building. Oscar Hey Michael. Michael Hey. Oscar I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China. Michael Mmm. Oscar I'd love to talk more about it. Michael Yeah. Oscar Maybe over some coffee later? Michael Sure. Jim Woah, woah, woah. Do you know what you just agreed to? Michael Coffee Jim. Jim No. Andy It is not just coffee. Jim He's trying to set you up Michael. What's going to happen is he's going to try and bring up what ever you're talking about in a very casual way, but secretly he'll be trying to trip you up, and when he does, boom, its awful. Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the Tour de France around him? Michael Yes. Andy And then he will smugly pay the cheque and make you feel so small. Michael Alright, well I just need to learn everything about China. To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time. Okay, okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary. Jim No politics? Michael I'm pretty good on politics. "California is bankrupt, and California, California." [Jim and Andy follow Michael into his office] What? Dwight Parley, my office, five minutes. Pam Parley? Creed Pirate code, he wants to meet. Pam So everyone here knows pirate code? Creed I understand it, I can't speak it. Dwight Pam, I am not an unreasonable man. If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap. Pam You've been watering down the soap? Dwight Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom? Pam We need everything back the way it was. Dwight You don't wanna move. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life. You'll probably just take it out on your kid. Jim will turn to the drink. The family will fall apart, and twenty five years from now, Cece will become world famous... for stripping. Pam That's a sad story. I have another one. We move, the other tenants follow, the bank takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you. Penniless, you die, and my daughter Cece dances on your grave... fully clothed. [lights turn off, Pam and Dwight begin to wave their arms to alert the sensor] Ryan Where is Tibet? Michael Pass. Ryan When was China founded? Michael Pass. Jim Two for two, keep it up. Ryan Who is Mao? Michael Lifeline. Andy Damn it. Michael, you are moments away from the smack down of your life. If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know. Michael I could talk about boobs. I bet he knows nothing about boobs. Jim What do you know about boobs? Andy Michael, I have to tell you something it's from Rocky II. Jim Thank you. Andy This guy doesn't just wanna win. Y'know, he want's to bury you. He wants to humiliate you! Michael Wait, wait, wait. How long is this going to take? Andy I'm like a quarter of the way through. Michael Is it going to be worth it? Andy No. Ryan Just in case Michael, I made you a cheat sheet. Michael I don't need to cheat. Jim Show him how to use it. Nate [riding in car, looking for new office] Ten thousand seven hundred and six. Dwight Here it is, right here, pull over. Oh my God. No way. Man, look at that. Nate Yeah. Dwight There's no building. This could only mean one thing. Nate The building's underground? Dwight She was lying. Oh, Pam, Pam... Dwight & Nate Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam. Passer-by Yeah? Nate Pam. Pam? Dwight What? Passer-by I'm Pam. Dwight Oh. Nate No you're not. Dwight I'm sorry. We have a colleague with the same name. Passer-by Oh, that's fine. Dwight So, okay. You're not a liar too are you? Passer-by I've been known to bend the truth. Dwight Damn it, Pam. Get out. Right now. Leave it, I mean it. Get the hell out of here. Go. Passer-by Okay. Dwight I can't wait to do to Pam, what I just did... to Pam. Dwight Hey Pam. Pam Yeah? Dwight Y'know what, I'm the only one here who you haven't asked about the new office. Pam I know, because you're the reason we're moving. Dwight Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery. What's the square footage in the new place? Pam Uhh, I think it's something like umm... Dwight What's the exact square footage. Pam Umm, let me see. Dwight How many offices are there? Oh I'll just look at the one sheet myself. Pam Oh, actually I don't know what I did with the one sheet. Y'know, that's the problem. You only have one sheet. Dwight [chuckles] You're a funny guy Pam. What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm going to walk down the hall and say "Wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is." I can't wait. Pam Mmhmm. Pam I lied about some aspects of the building. Jim It's still on a bike path though right? Pam There's no building... it doesn't exist. Jim What does that mean? Pam I needed leverage so I pulled those pictures off the internet. It's just this Office Administrator thing, I don't wanna... Jim What? Pam Fail. I don't want to fail... again. Jim But you didn't fail. Pam And that's what you said about Art School, and that's what you said about sales. Jim And you didn't fail those things either. Pam Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman. So what would you call it? Jim Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oscar Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is that I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated. Michael Did you know, that China has a new missile, that can sink a US Naval Carrier nine hundred miles off the coast? Oscar We have missiles too. Michael Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal. But what do I know, I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon. Our Pentagon. Nate I wasn't here. [places a book in front of Pam] Pam What? Nate I wasn't here. It's a pretty common saying. You may want to log it away for future use. Pam Well thanks. Nate Yeah. Michael China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars. We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives. And they will control us. Oscar Actually, we're in a mild recession right now. I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogie man for all their problems. In the nineteen eighties, it was Japan. Michael How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17% and in the US it has only risen by 8%? Oscar Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2011? Do you know the comparative expansion of say the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant. Wouldn't you? Michael Don't... I... Pam Hello, hello. You're breaking the law. Dwight Impossible, I love the law. Pam Read article nineteen. There are suitable standards that you have to maintain the building at that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting. It also means no more cutting the tampons in two, and no more tampering with the toilet paper. Dwight I see I've underestimated you, and I didn't think that was possible. Nate, reply the paper. Nate I don't think it goes that way. Dwight Reply it! Oscar Don't worry about the coffee, its on me. Michael Yeah, I figured that. Oscar Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat. Michael Wait. You forgetting something? Oscar What? Michael This chat. Two men, one white, one latina. A boss and a money cruncher. I could fire you. Erin Fire him. No, show mercy. Michael Here we are. Oscar What's your point. Michael My point is... that as long as people like you and me don't stop talking, nobody can stop the USA. Andy Yeah. [clapping] Erin Right, yes. Michael I am talking about freedom, about choice. America, I don't think you need to worry. Because if you want to beat China you will. If you don't, that's fine. That my friend, is your victory. Y'know, a lot of people say if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China, and that may be the true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend. So here is to conversation. Oscar That's not. Michael Raise your cups on high. Case closed. Oscar That wasn't what we were discu... That wasn't the whole... Dwight They say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again. I spared Pam, and I may feast off of her profits for years to come. I let Pam win. Haha, oh. I was not motivated by compassion. I have no compassion. Make sure you got that. Not motivated by compassion. Darryl [reads text] Come to parking lot. Crazy pigeon action? Andy Shhh. You're gonna scare 'em away. [two pigeons are eating out of a soft serve cone] Darryl [laughs] That's a text. [high fives Andy] Andy Yeah. Right. Darryl That's your new standard.