Michael Look at that. Oscar Huh? Michael Nice! Oscar I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning. Pam Okay. Michael She is a beaut! Dwight Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself. Oscar Yes, it is. Michael Oh, look at that. [pushing bike] Smooth roll. Oscar Yeah. Kevin You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike! Oscar Yes. Meredith His ass was on that seat? All right! Kevin Nice. Oscar No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses. Kelly I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now. Pam [crashing sound] Michael! Michael Oh, god! Oscar Oh... Michael Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. Jim Are you sure you once knew how to do this? Michael I did, yes! I had those extra wheels on the back...that support you. [Pam and Jim begin wheeling him] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! All [chanting] Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Mi-chael! Dwight Yeah! Pam Come on, Michael! Yeah! Jim Just steer more now. Michael [crashes into Jim and Pam's parked car] Oh, my god! Pam Not the car! Jim No! No! Michael Ow! [grunts, stumbles to his feet] You never forget. Whoo! Dwight How do I look? Jim Amazing. How do I look? Dwight Normal. Ugly. Jim Well, I do the best with what I've got. Let's go. Dwight Alright. Wait, wait, wait, wait for me! It's weird if I come in slightly after. Dwight We have a big meeting with the chief buyer for Frames Select, Steve Nash. Jim He's not the Steve Nash. He's big though. He's kind of like...Scranton's Steve Nash. Dwight Will you stop trying to put it in terms you think they'll understand? It's condescending. Jim I'm not doing that. I'm just explaining. Dwight And who is this "the" Steve Nash? Jim Phoenix Sun's point guard? Dwight No. Jim No? Nothin'? Dwight No, Mr. Jock Hipster. Jim Well, I'm neither of those things, so... Andy [reading Cornell magazine] Whoa. Libby Dirketts got married. Big Red mazel tov to the Libster. Ooh, says here Dan Becker fell off the side of Kilimanjaro in a climbing accident. It appears Dan's Sherpa survived to tell the tale-Oh, my God! Phyllis What? Is Dan okay? Andy No, he died. It's Broccoli Rob. You know this guy; I showed you his picture on Facebook. Phyllis Yes. Andy "Some Vermont-based alums can hear 'Broccoli' Rob Blatt, '96, in the state milk lobby's new milk awareness song, 'Calci-YUM!', featuring Phish's Trey Anastasio. Says Broccoli, 'Trey and I had a ton of fun in the studio, and I think you can hear it in the song.'" Phyllis Oh, that's great news for your friend. Andy Yeah, yeah, it's great... Phyllis You know, I forget about milk. This is a terrific reminder. Andy I was the artsy, musical one. In Here Comes Treble I had four solos, Broccoli rob had three. Right? Uhh. Dwight Go tell her we're here. You're good with receptionists. Jim Oh, ha ha ha. Dwight...[motions to lobby] Dwight Crap. Dwight Danny Cordray is the worst. Jim Well, by worst, you mean the best. Dwight The best salesman ever. He works for Osprey Paper over in Throop, steals more clients from Dunder-Mifflin than anyone. Jim So, the situation is the worst. Dwight Also, he slept with Pam. Jim No, he didn't. [Dwight mouthing "yes, he did"] Jim Tell 'em. Pam Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again. Jim What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled. Pam That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle. Jim Yeah, I thought you started it. Pam No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. [Jim nodding repeatedly] You know I have a kid with you, right? Jim Ahhh. Dwight I'm gonna intimidate him. Okay? Jim Okay, great- Dwight Watch this. Jim -I'm just gonna watch. Dwight [speaking loudly] So anyway, she says, "that is the biggest penis I have ever seen." And I said, "I know. That's why I brought you to the Penis Museum, where tickets are a thousand dollars." Well, hello Danny! Danny Hey, Dwight. Good to see you. Jim, hey. Jim [shaking hands] How are ya? Danny Good to see you too. Dwight What are you doing? Danny Oh, I'm just here for the coffee. Dwight Like hell you are. Jim Dwight! Dwight He's not just here for the coffee, Jim. Wake up! Michael Brainstorming session is now open. Anyone has an idea-[cell phone rings] Hold on. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello? Jim Hey, it's Jim. Listen, this is important. Are you busy? Michael Oh, hey. No, I'm not busy. What's up? Angela What? Oscar You are busy! We're in a meeting! Michael It's Jim, Okay? Yes. Jim Listen, you gotta get over here, 'cause we're pitching Steve Nash and Danny Cordray is here. Michael You need the big guns, yes? Jim Yes. Dwight What'd he say? What did he say? Jim The big gun thing. [Dwight grabs at phone] Stop! Michael I will see you in ten. Bye! Hold tight. [hangs up] Well, I know a lot of you thought that my sales days were behind me, and to be honest, so did I...and the only reason I got out of the sales game was to be reluctantly called back in. Pam You don't look reluctant, Michael. You look really eager. Michael [laughing] No, I don't have time for this. Are you kidding me? Pam You don't? Michael No! Okay. [runs out the door] All right. Andy [knocking] Knockity-knock, don't knock back. Just kidding you can knock; it's your office. Do you have a minute? Darryl I'm very busy with time-sensitive work. Andy Not to go all Sherlock Holmes on you, but I can tell by the reflection in your glasses that you're entering points into Weight Watchers dot com. Darryl If you don't enter them immediately, you forget. What? Andy I'm starting a band and I need you on keyboards. Darryl Nah. I play for pleasure. Andy This is for pleasure. Darryl I wouldn't enjoy that. Andy I'm willing to pay you. Darryl Oh, yeah? Andy Yeah. Darryl How much? Andy Sixty bucks a session. Darryl That's crazy money. I'll take forty. Andy Yes! Dwight There he is. Michael Oh, no, that's a male model. Jim No, that's him. Michael That...hello. Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. Danny Danny Cordray, Osprey Paper. Michael Nice to meet you. Danny Three of you guys for one sale. Michael Yeah, well...we call it overkill. Why am I telling you my strategy? Danny Well, whatever works for ya. Anyway. All right. Michael All right. Danny It's good to see you guys. Nice to meet you. Michael Buh-bye. I could swear that guy was a male model. Receptionist He's ready for you. Michael Oh, thank you. All right. On the count of three, it's showtime. Ready, one, two- Jim Nope, not doing that. Dwight I've been in showtime mode since breakfast. Michael Okay, you know-all right, just forget it then. Jim Showtime! Michael It's showtime! Oh...never mind. Let's go. Michael When I knock on your door, you know who it is; it's Michael Scott. We've been together forever and we- Steve Michael, I appreciate everything that Dunder-Mifflin has done for this company. Michael You know what? You are having some problems with your loading dock, are you not? All right. We're going to deliver to you on weekends. Steve That's very generous, but- Michael And you know what else we're gonna do? I can't believe I'm gonna say this...we are going to offer you our paper at cost. I know. I could get in a lotta trouble for this, so you'd better shake my hand right now. Dwight He's not kidding. Michael Shake it, shake it! Steve Michael, I'm going with Danny. Dwight Oh. Steve Thanks for coming in. Michael Okay. Thank you. Steve Thank you. Michael Thanks, Steve. Dwight Jim talked too much. Jim No, I didn't. Dwight Yes, you did. Michael Stop it. Just stop it. We did what we should have done, we just got bested. [pounds the elevator button] Why is there a door close button if it doesn't even close the door? Michael How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped, and drowned. Michael You know who we always lose out to? Staples, the big guys. Osprey? They're a small company. They're smaller than we are. What's our excuse? How do we combat this guy? Stanley, how do we combat him? Stanley We sell better? Michael Okay. You know what? You clearly don't care, so why don't you just leave? Stanley I would like to stay. This pertains to me. Michael Why don't you go outside and...take a shot of insulin and have a nap, okay? Stanley Why do you always assume I have diabetes? Michael I don't know, your frame, your build-why don't you have a glass of apple juice and tell me you're not a diabetic. [Stanley stands to leave] See? I could tell by the sound you made when you stood up that you have-okay. Yes, Phyllis? Phyllis I could try to seduce him. Michael Oh, my god! Dwight I know how we can learn his tricks. Dwight What I am about to show you is of the utmost secrecy. Jim Is that your office? Dwight Yes, Jim. And with a little tweaking, it becomes a different office. We lure Danny to it and watch him sell. Phyllis Uh... Stanley I'm outta here. Phyllis This is weird. Michael You know what this is? This is a stinger. Jim A what? Michael Like the movie. Jim I think you mean The Sting. Michael Paul Newman, Robert Redford. They're bank robbers. Jim Nope. Different movie. Dwight The Sting. The Sting. Erin Your two o'clock. [Danny enters] Meredith Thanks, hun. Jim Meredith was the perfect choice to play the head of the company. Her lunch break lined up with our appointment with Danny and...that's it. That's really all we were looking for. Danny Danny Cordray. It's great to meet you. Meredith Meredith Van Helsing. Pleased to meet you. Jim Meredith Van Helsing? Dwight Van Helsing was a respected professor before he was a vampire killer. Jim Okay. But what is he more famous for? Michael Shhh! Hey! That's my mug. Jim You know this isn't real TV, right? Michael Yes. Darryl and Andy [singing] Please Mr. President, if you wanna give hope a whirl, bring our troops home safe and sound, says this little girl. Andy [in falsetto] Please Mr. President- Darryl One second, one second, one second. [stops playing] So, this song is from the point of view of a little girl? Andy Yeah. Darryl But you're singing it. Andy Yeah, but I'm using my falsetto. Darryl No, that's not a good idea. I don't see that as a very good song. Andy Yeah, well, it'd sound a lot better if you actually sang with some soul. Darryl Oh, I never sing with soul. Andy That's a lie. Kevin I could sing it. Andy I just was hoping to maybe save your voice in case we did a novelty song about frogs. Kevin But my voice is unique. Like Bob Dylan. Andy Okay, three-way argument between a drummer, a keyboardist, and the front man lead singer. Wonder who's gonna win this one. Two, three, four- Danny I'm gonna take off my coat, if you don't mind. It's a bit warm in here. Meredith Hel-lo! Michael Oh, no, no. No. Don't- Dwight People can't keep their true natures hidden for long, and this guy is smoldering like a tire fire. Michael Testify. Jim Okay, he's not that good-looking. I don't understand why everybody's obsessed with this- Michael Yeah, he is that good-looking. Dwight He's very, very handsome. Michael Okay. Meredith That's a great set of shoulder's you got there. What is that...Genetics? Creatine? [phone rings] Sorry. Yeah? Michael Pull it together, all right? Stop lookin' at him. Meredith I'm sorry. [hangs up] You're here to sell me some paper. Danny Well, actually, uh... no, Miss Van Helsing, that's not why I'm here. I'm here to meet you, see if we'd be a, you know, good fit. Meredith What do you mean? Michael Oh...my god! He's making her sell to him. Andy [everyone finishes listening to song] Okay. Honest feedback time. Oscar? Oscar It's pandering. And it makes me think you think I'm stupid. Andy But do you think it could be famous? Like in a car commercial or something? Pam Not really. It's kinda weird that a grown man is singing from the point of view of a little girl. Andy I feel like I can see someone ice skating to it. You know, like in the Olympics. Ryan I-I don't think they usually...skate to such...bad songs. Andy Rude. And not helpful. Creed Well, I really, really, really liked it. Andy Well, that...really bums me out. Creed You're welcome. Danny We should think of this as a first date. And I think it's going very well, how 'bout you? Meredith Real well. Uh...feels more like a third date to me. Danny Ha ha, okay, there you go! [phone rings, Meredith answers] Michael Stay- Meredith Shut up and let me do this! [hangs up] You know, what is with this desk keeping us so far apart? Danny I've never been a desk man. Always traveling on the road. Come on...why not, huh? Dwight Oh... Danny Well, we'll get this...[Meredith unbuttons] Michael Oh! Dwight Oh, man! Meredith So, what's your drink? You a vodka man? Me too. Jim We gotta get someone else in there right now. Jim You're an exec at Pennsylvania Solartech and- Oscar That sounds fake. Jim What do you mean? Dwight I told you! You're an exec at Stark Industries, a corporation you inherited from your father- Jim Will you stop? Stop it, stop it. Here's the story-they need Meredith somewhere else asap, okay? Oscar Okay. Jim So you're taking over. You just gotta get her out of there as soon as you can. Oscar All right. I can do that. Then what? Dwight Then make him pitch to you. Jim Yes. Dwight We gotta see what he's got. Jim Exactly. You can do this. Dwight Okay, and remember-you're not gay. Jim Stop it! It's gonna be great. Oscar Okay. Jim And listen if anything else happens, just...roll with it. Oscar Meredith, I- Meredith Oh, Manuel! This is Manuel, my cleaning man. He doesn't speak any English. Danny Hola. Que tal? Oscar Como estas, senor? Meredith Uh, Manuel, cleano el window. Jim Who else we got? Dwight Okay. You're a young hotshot from Stark Industries. You've just bought this company. Meredith is fired. It's a whole new regime. He's gotta pitch to you now. Ryan Okay. Stark Industries isn't real. I run Google. Larry and Sergey brought me in- Jim Great. Sounds awesome. Just have him pitch to you. Michael Don't let us down. Ryan [points to Jim] Will do. [points to Michael] Won't do. Danny Yeah, sure. Meredith You smell like a Scorpio. [Ryan enters] This is...Esteban...another cleaning man. He doesn't speak English either. Esteban, el flooro. Danny You know what? I may have parked my car in a compact space, and I hate when I see others do that, so- Meredith Danny, I feel a real connection to you, and I gotta get real, I'm- Michael No, no, no.... Jim No, no, no, no... Michael I'm goin 'in! Dwight Michael! No, Michael, stop it! No! Michael Stop, stop! Oh, my god! [enters office] Okay. Stop it, stop it, stop it. Gross! Stop it, please. Everybody, stop. Danny Michael Scott. Michael I said stop. Okay, Danny...this is not Pennsylvania Solartech. This is Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. This is Meredith Palmer- Meredith Please to meet you- Michael Don't! Get away from him. Please, just leave. Get out of here. Go. Forever. Danny Hmm. Michael I owe you...a most sincere and humble apology. We were trying to watch you to see your sales technique, so we could stop losing so many clients to you. Danny But from where? Michael A surveillance room next to this one. Danny Okay, so you...set up this fake company, then you hired this homeless woman to impersonate an executive to spy on me so that you could copy my sales technique? Michael Yes. And it's the sincerest form of flattery. Danny Or...crazy. Michael Well- Danny I'm gonna go. Michael Okay. You know what, it wasn't just me. Jim and Dwight are behind that wall in the surveillance room and it was their plan as well. Dwight No! Jim No, no, no, no. Danny Oh, well then, yeah. All right. Hey! [knocking on wall] Good luck, guys. Seems like you got a great operation here. Michael No, we don't. Here's-here's my point. Danny, listen, you have to understand that we are not normally like this. We just-we wanted to know your tricks. Danny What do you mean, my tricks? There's no tricks, man. I'm just a good salesman. You wanna copy that? You can't copy that! [opens door to leave] Michael You are, you are. You are! Stop it, stop it. Stop. [closes door] You are a good salesman. And because of that...I want you to work for me. Danny Sure. You seem like a fun, professional guy. Michael So, you will? Danny [opening door again to leave] No! Michael Hold it, hold it. [forcing door closed] Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. Danny, I want you to look at me. Do you want your life to be better...or to be worse or to stay the same? Danny Get out of my way. Michael Answer the question. Do you want a better life, Danny? Danny I swear to God, I'm gonna hit you. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I'm not-it's just I'm very upset right now. Michael I know, I know. Danny I'm very upset! Michael Do you want more freedom, less freedom, or to stay the same? Danny More freedom. Michael I can give you more money-there's your better life. I can let you come and go as you please-there's your freedom. And you already know Dunder-Mifflin has the best service and the best prices, but you beat us anyway. Can you imagine how well you would do selling our stuff? Michael Everyone, may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to Mr. Danny Cordray. He is going to be joining us as our new traveling salesman. Say hello to Danny! Kelly [bleep] me! Michael O-kay. You know what? No. No. This is not some sort of construction site...or all of Italy, where you can just go around treating people like meat. We are to respect him. I respect him because he reminds me of somebody. Can anybody guess who that is? Kelly Josh Duhamel. Angela Yeah, I can see that. Michael No. No. No. Somebody in this office. Kevin He's like a better-looking Andy. Andy Thanks, Kevin. Michael No, me. Right? Sorta like...a little younger version of me. Oscar It's hard to judge ourselves accurately, isn't it. Dwight Michael? Michael Yes. Dwight Can I talk to you about something? Michael No, you may not. Dwight It's about this very announcement you just made. Michael I said no. Dwight Michael- Michael We're not- Jim Michael, I think you really want to talk to him. Michael Okay. Let's-all right, all right. Let's talk. Please don't let him leave. [pointing to Danny] Don't leave. Don't let him. Erin Gotcha. [they go into Michael's office] Jim You hired him? Michael Guys, let me ask you something. Do you want your life to be better or worse or stay the same? All Stay the same. Michael Okay. Well...get ready, 'cause it's gonna get better. Phyllis It's not gonna get better; he's gonna steal all of our clients. Michael No, no. Wrong. He would have stolen your clients, but you know what? He can't now. This guy used to steal sales from us; now, he's going to steal sales for us. Dwight Where's he gonna sit? There's no more seats. Michael He doesn't need to sit, he's a traveling salesman. Look, I am not going to exclude good people from our staff simply because they are threatening to you. And unless you have a better argument than that, I suggest you leave. Stanley Hmpf! Dwight Where's he gonna park? There's no more reserved parking spots. Michael Good-bye! Darryl Song's about truth. Kevin Yeah. Darryl What's something you really care about? Andy Reverse snobbery. Darryl More universal. Andy Sometimes I feel like life has passed me by. Darryl [plays soft chords and sings] Couldn't get outta bed today. Wish the alarm clock would go away. Kevin Oh, nice! Andy Holy crap. Are you kidding me? You just made that-that's amazing! Darryl Go ahead. Andy [singing] Which me am I gonna be today? Darryl Which me am I gonna be today? Andy I gotta closet full of mes. Am I gonna be the happy me? Kevin Or the me that stinks. Andy Oh, my gosh! We're almost out of time. How much for another half hour? Darryl Oh, don't worry about it. Andy Wait. Seriously? Darryl Yeah. Andy So we're just, like, jamming as friends? Darryl One, two, three, hit it. Andy Closet full of mes- Danny Oh, you know...funny. Your wife and I went on a few dates. Jim Did ya? Danny Yeah. Way ,way, way back. Jim I'm just kidding. She told me about it. Danny Oh. She was not into me. Jim Oh. Danny Obviously. I don't even think she called me back. Dwight You snubbed her. Jim Dwight, please. Dwight Let me handle this, Jim. Drop the act, Cordray, okay? We all know that you probably thought that Pam was too "meh" or thin without being toned. But I wanna tell you something-she is one of the plain hearty women of Scranton that make this city great. And so what if she doesn't wear makeup? [Pam mouthing "I wear makeup"] We like her better that way! And you steal clients, don't you? Don't you! Danny Okay...that's different. Dwight Oh, that's different, is it? Okay...thief. You better check your things, people. In fact, where are my keys? Oh, there in my pocket. False alarm. Okay. [awkward pause] So...you're gonna be workin' here? Danny Uh...I mean-yeah. Dwight Welcome aboard. Danny Thank you. Jim Hey, crazy, um...so...that's it? You're just-you're fine? Dwight It's after 5:00, Jim. I'm not gonna take this home. [shakes Danny's hand] Danny Oh. Dwight Pleasure. Danny Thanks. Michael This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Chhguuh! Crap. I forgot about Packer. Kevin [singing and playing drums] Sun's in her eyes, tongue full of flies. Would you like to share my paaaaaaad? All Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love and I gave her the croak that meant I love you. Darryl I'll be your croak monsieur. Andy [falsetto] I'll be your croak madame. Kevin Your mama mighta said that bullfrogs are dogs, but I'm here to tell you that I am a frog! Come and sit on my log, you little pollywog. Darryl I find you absolutely ribbiting! All Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Andy Croak, croak, croak. Bullfrog in love. Kevin Croak! Andy Ribbit! Darryl Scoopity-splash! Kevin Nice.