Erin Andy? [Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd'] Jim Yes! [as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song] Erin Did you write this? Andy No. Erin Who did? Andy Steven Sondheim. Erin Who is he? [rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing] Angela What the hell is happening? Andy We're the cast of Sweeney Todd: Michael [cheers loudly after cast finishes singing song] That was amazing! That was awesome! I auditioned for this. When did the cast list go up? Andy Like a month ago. Michael Really? They didn't call me. Who am I playing? ...Andy? Andy Two comps. For my lady and her Gabe. It's closing night. Tomorrow we have to give the theater over to the Scranton's Miss Fitness pageant. Erin I am so excited. But I just need one. Gabe can't come. Sorry. Andy What? That's awful. Everyone's gonna miss that guy. Andy Gabe is not coming, which is huge because my plan is to make Erin fall back in love with me tonight. Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes. Erin Oh, who else is going? Andy Everyone. Erin Gabe seemed to think no one was going. Andy What kind of terrible rumor monger is Gabe? He is woefully misinformed, all right? Excuse me, clink, clink, clink, clink, everybody. You're all coming to my show tonight, right? Michael Andy, what time's the show? Andy 8pm sharp. Michael How long is it? Andy Hour forty-five. Michael Nope, can't make it. Michael They say that no one can take your pride, but the people who cast Andy's play, they took mine. Andy Jim, Pam, you guys are in, right? Pam Oh, we wanted to, but our sitter just fell through. I'm really sorry. Andy Dwight? Dwight Uh, no, thank you. Last time I went to the theater, a man dressed as a cat sat on my lap. Andy It would mean so much to me if you came to my show tonight. Michael I can't Andy, it's too hard. That's-I put everything I had into that audition. Do you understand that? Andy If it makes you feel any better, no one who auditioned for the part of Sweeney Todd got that part. They had to bring in a ringer. Michael Wow. Andy This guy's like world-class. You should not feel bad. I'm asking you thespian to thespian. Will you please be the bigger man and come to my show? Michael I wish I could, Andy, but I can't. I have plans that night. I'm going to see a friend in a play called Sweeney Todd. You're that friend. I'm going to see your play. Andy Noishe! Michael And scene. Angela Listen, I would like you to take me to Andy's play tonight. Dwight Please, waste of time. You know what? Let's just knock this out right now. Disrobe. Dwight Angela? Don't like her anymore. Not attracted to her anymore. Just contractually obligated to make a baby with her. Dwight Give me the punch card. Angela No. If you want to punch the punch card, you have to take me to the show. Dwight That is not in the contract. Angela Well, there's a lot of gray area in that clause. Do you want to re-mediate? Dwight Alright, fine. I'll go to your little show, but I'm not wearing a cape. Angela Thank you. Angela Dwight and I have a contractual agreement to procreate five times, plain and simple. And should he develop feelings for me, well, that would be permissible under item 7C, clause 2, so I would not object. [faint smile] Andy Hey, how are those salads? Jim It's my own fault- Andy My parents used to scramble to find babysitters so they could take my younger brother to do stuff. I understand how hard it can be. I just-tonight, if you could... Pam We'll keep looking. Andy Yes! Jim Really? Pam I mean, who knows? Maybe I have a niece my family never told me about. Andy Oh my gosh, that would be amazing. Pam Yeah. Jim For a lot of reasons. Andy Yeah, I know. Neiche! Michael Oh, hey guys. Stanley You brought balloons to a play? Michael I did, because I am being the bigger man, and balloons are bigger than flowers. Phyllis It's nice, like Up. Michael Yes. Usher Excuse me, are you the guy who did an entire Law & Order episode for his audition? Michael Nope. Andy Guys? All Hey! Andy! Andy You all made it, thank you so much. Jim You should actually thank Erin, she's the one who agreed to babysit. Andy She's babysitting? Erin I really wanted to see Andy's play, because he's so, so talented. But I've been trying to get in the babysitting game forever. The thirteen-year-olds in this town have a complete monopoly. It's almost like a babysitters club. Andy I understand. This is, like, huge opportunity for her. Michael [trying to stuff balloons below the seats] This is ridiculous. You'd think they'd discourage people from bringing in balloons. Darryl Hey, I think this guy playing Sweeney Todd is my plumber. Michael No, Darryl. This guy's a world-class actor. He doesn't daylight as your plumber. Darryl No, it's my plumber. Says so in his bio. Apparently the director discovered him doing karaoke. It's his first play. He didn't even audition. Michael Are you kidding me? Darryl Shhh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognize the musical themes when they come back later. Michael All right, I'm sorry. God. Usher Excuse me, I think you may be in the wrong seats. [Jim and Pam move a few rows back, next to Michael] Kelly Ooooh! Dwight [whispering to man sitting beside him] I work with that guy. Angela [after taking her gum out] Ugh! There's gum on the seat and now it's on my work skirt. I have to go change. Dwight Too bad I'm not gonna explain anything that you miss. Angela Oh, Dwight, just move. Dwight [whispering to man sitting beside him] His name's Andy. He's a terrible salesman. Kelly What time is it? [Ryan pulls up a large analog clock on his iPad] Shelby Michael! Shelby Thomas Weemes, the director. Michael Hello. Shelby I promise you that if you keep auditioning with similar gusto... Michael Okay. Shelby We are going to find a production with a role for Michael Scott. Michael Okay. Shelby Yes? Michael Yes. Shelby Good. Michael Good. Shelby Enjoy the second act. Michael You enjoy the second act. Shelby Have a refreshment. Michael Thank you. You, too. [steals a bottle of wine from the bar] Angela Come on, Dwight. Dwight Why are you dressed like a seed catalogue model? Angela These are just my dirty old gardening clothes. They were all that I had in my car. Dwight Let's go. Pam Hey, Erin, it's Pam. How ya doing? No, no, don't put Cece on the phone, because she can't talk yet. Okay. No, I was just calling to see how everything's going. Yeah? Yeah? It's good? The play? The play is kind of great. I mean, it's fun to hear Andy sing in the appropriate setting. Now, he's really sorry you couldn't make it, too. Yeah. So thank you so much, again. We're having a great time. Oh, they're flashing the lights so we should go in. Thanks. Bye. Okay, so we called. And everything's fine! Jim Everything's fine. Pam We can relax. Jim We can relax. Let's get our Sweeney on. Meredith [seeing Michael drink from wine bottle] Michael! [bottle gets passed around by Darryl, Meredith and Kevin] Andy Just checking my e-mails. See if I got any last-minute "break a legs" or "I still love you" type texts. Doesn't look like I got anything. Maybe on my Facebook wall. Creed [on cell phone] Unfortunately, in this ham-fisted production of Sweeney Todd, the real terror comes from the vocal performances. New paragraph. Andy Mr. Todd! Mr. Todd! I found her! Sweeney Todd You found Johanna. Andy That monster of a judge has locked her-[cell phone chiming]. Locked her away. [phone continues ringing] Sweeney Todd There's a little bird fluttering around. Do hope it ceases chirping. [audience laughs] Michael How is that funny? Sweeney Todd The bird continues to call. Someone please turn off your... bird. Oh, for the love-turn your phone off! There are signs! Andy Oh, it appears the bird was in mine own pocket this whole time. He's gone to sleep now, I've closed his beak. [Michael laughs] Sweeney Todd What is the news of my darling daughter Johanna? Andy [text message chime] You know what? Let me just double check, that bird... Okay, good. It's off. I mean, silenced. I silenced it by killing it. I've killed it! I'm a murderer! Just like you, Sweeney Todd. See, it all connects. Not that I know you're a murderer. My character doesn't know that yet. But I'm suspicious, because of all the razors that you have laying around. And you spend time alone. But you're a barber, so that's legit. So there's that. But... Sweeney Todd [yelling] Where is Johanna? Andy A madhouse. Sweeney Todd A madhouse? Andy Yes, a madhouse. Sweeney Todd A madhouse? Johanna is as good as rescued. Where do you suppose all the wig makes of London go to obtain their human hair? [Michael tips over wine bottle, which noisily rolls down the theater, and accidentally lets go of balloons] Andy Do you think... [bottle rolling] so you think... [bottle rolling, clanking] Sweeney Todd Fogg's Asylum , why not? [balloon pops, Kelly screams and baby starts crying] Pam Sounds like Cece. Jim Okay, I think everybody just needs to relax. Pam [sees Erin holding Cece] Oh, my God! Go, go! Jim Oh, my God. Andy [excited] That's really irresponsible of Erin. She's a terrible babysitter. Erin I just didn't think that you guys were gonna see us. We were just gonna stop by and get some ice cream and then go home. Jim Okay, this was pretty simple- Pam Why are you here? Jim [overlapping with Pam] Really, all you had to do was play with her for, like, 30 minutes and then put her to bed. Pam What possible explanation could you have for possibly being here? I don't... you know, babies shouldn't have ice cream, by the way. Erin I'm sorry. I just really wanted to see Andy. You guys made it sound so unmissable, and you set me up with a car seat and everything. Jim Well, the car seat was to take her to the hospital, or... Erin Oh, no, why would I take her to the hospital? Pam You know what? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Erin Why don't I just take her home and let you guys finish, and then you should stay out as late as you want. Jim No, we're good. Thank you, though. Erin Okay. Alright, bye Cece. Pam Okay. Jim Alright, well, we're never leaving the house again. Pam Not together! Michael [during curtain call for Sweeney Todd] Boo! Boo! Angela That was more horrifying than Nunsense. Dwight All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders. Angela Where's my car? Come on. Michael Mmm! Fruit is so much better when it's dried. I've already eaten, like, 30 apricots. Sweeney Todd Darryl? Darryl Hey! Sweeney Todd Didn't know you were gonna be here. How's the toilet? Darryl Silent. Look, congratulations. Sweeney Todd Thank you. Darryl I had no idea. This plumber has pipes! Michael Yeah, good job. Well done. Sweeney Todd You're the guy who booed me. Michael Hmm? No, there were a lot of people booing you. I wasn't one of em. Sweeney Todd No, I saw you, and you were the only one. Michael Get your eyes checked, chucklehead. Creed Be cool, Michael. I saw this guy kill a bunch of people. Good work. Sweeney Todd Thank you. Darryl You didn't have to boo him. Michael Well, he was getting a lot of applause, and I just didn't think it was indicative of how people were really feeling. Darryl How would you like it if we booed you? Michael That would never happen. Darryl Boo! Boo! Michael Okay. I appreciate the feedback. Darryl Boo! Boo! Michael I don't like that at all. Andy Are you ready? Erin Yes. Oh, I'm so scared! Okay, kill me! Just kill me! Kill me! Andy [pretends to slit her throat] Ah! Blood everywhere. Erin Oh, no. I'm so glad we're hanging out again outside of work. Andy Yeah, me, too. Erin Okay, I kill you now. Andy Okay. Dwight All right, let's do this. Angela No, actually, Dwight, I didn't realize how far this walk was, and I-I'm exhausted. Dwight It's okay, I smell. Angela No, no, no, no. I think I just want to go home, but it's okay. This can count as one of your times. Dwight No, no, no. Contractually we're obligated to have sex. Angela Well, I won't tell if you don't. Dwight I will tell. I will tell the mediator. What-what are you... [Angela reaches into his pocket] Ok. Oh, was that in the way? Get rid of it. [Angela pulls out hole-punch and punches the card] Angela Good night, Dwight. Dwight Good night. Andy These would have been your seats. Best seats in the house. Lots of people think it would be the front row, but actually, right here, this is where the speakers converge, and the sound just, like, nails you right here. Erin This is awesome. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Hi, Gabe. Yeah, I just stopped by Andy's cast party to say hi to everyone. Oh, sure, I can pick you up some soup. What do you want? That's broth, Gabe. Okay, I-I'll see you soup. [hangs up] Okay, I have to go. Thank you so much. This is so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time I'll be there. Or here. Right here, I promise. Andy Awesome. Erin Okay. Andy See you later. Erin Thank you. Jim [attempting to move car seat] It's like The Hurt Locker! Pam This night was a disaster. Jim No, it was not a disaster. It was weird, but it wasn't a disaster. I think we have, like, a gift bottle of Irish cream. Pam Yeah? Jim We could put that in orange juice. Pam Get it. Jim Yeah? Pam Let's get our juice on. Jim Yeah! Phyllis Found him! Michael Hey, what's going on here? Post-show blues? Andy Yeah, I guess you could say that. Michael Yeah, I get those every day after work. Phyllis Your show was really great, Andy. Stanley Interesting subject matter. I'm surprised you pulled it off. Andy It was like amateur hour. Oscar It was an amateur production, technically. Michael Oscar. Enough with the sass, please. God! What is wrong with you? Andy, listen to me. Look me in the eye. I thought that you were awesome. Andy Stop just saying that. Michael I am not just saying that. You can trust that I am telling you the truth. I booed someone tonight. I have no filter. And if I thought you were terrible, I would have booed. And if I thought you had done a better job, I would be saying nicer things right now. But I thought that you were exactly awesome. No better, no worse. Andy Thank you. That feels good. Michael I did not say that to make you feel good. I just said it. Total integrity. Darryl Andy, sing us another song. Andy Thanks, but I feel like a loner right now. Phyllis Oh, come on, Andy, you were the highlight. Michael Come on, Andy, seriously. All Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy Okay, all right, all right, all right. Andy [sings Macy Gray's "I Try" and everyone joins in] Michael In the criminal justice system, the people are defended by two separate but equally important groups, the police who investigate the crimes and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Kun-kun! [imitates vacuum cleaner] I'm just a cleaning lady. Aah! A dead body. He wrapped his belt around his own neck. It looks like a classic case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah, looks like everyone's tightening their belts in this economy. [humming theme music] Last time you saw the victim, was he happy? Last time I saw this John, he was-he wasn't a victim, if you know what I'm talkin about. Shelby Thanks you. Michael No, that was- I'm just getting into the first act.