Dwight [yelling] Attention everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of- Jim Too loud. Dwight -the party planning committee... Jim Too, too loud. Too Loud. Dwight But effective, look! [everyone turns to pay attention] On behalf of Jim and I, Merry Christmas. Everyone Merry Christmas. Dwight Merry Christmas. Good. Dwight My diabolical plot is on hold for Christmas. My heart just melts with the sound of children singing. Hmmph! [laughs] Not really! I'm just tired. The days are short. I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed. Dwight It is time to unveil the tree. Oscar Hey, Rockefeller Center! Jim Yeah. Ryan Uh, I have actually been to Rock Center, and this is nothing like that. Jim This is all we have. Ryan Ugh. Jim No, it's not "ugh." It is... office camaraderie. Dwight It is warm feelings. Meredith Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it? Dwight Thirty! Twenty-nine! Twenty-eight! [others join] Jim Why would you start so high? Dwight Twenty- seven! Twenty-six! ... Jim Three, two, one! [pulls sheet to reveal Christmas tree] Phyllis Ooh. Pam Ah! Phyllis You didn't decorate it? Jim No. Dwight Exactly. Jim We didn't, because we think it'd be better to do it together. Dwight Everyone. Andy Why would you wrap it in a sheet, if you're not covering anything up? Pam Is it, is it fake? Jim Pam! Dwight Yes, we are unveiling, an artificial tree, that will never die... Jim Yes. Dwight Like the spirit of Christmas! Stanley We're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off fake tree? Dwight This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work! Merry Christmas! Erin Hello. Sorry guys. [louder, face is scratched up.] Sorry guys. I'm not sure I've earned the right to make announcements yet. But whoever is giving me the Twelve Days of Christmas? As my Secret Santa? Please stop. I can't take it anymore. My cat killed a turtledove; the French hens have started pulling out my hair to make a nest. Please. Stop. Kelly What psycho would send that as a gift? [Kelly hugs Erin] Andy I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the Twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault that the first eight days is basically thirty birds? [six geese are inside Erin's car] Phyllis Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas boys and girls! It's me, Santa Claus! Dwight Hey Santa! Oscar They finally let you do it! Phyllis Yeah! Kevin Congrats Phil! Erin It's so edgy! Phyllis I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament, and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim eleven weeks ago, and he said I could do it. [she awkwardly hugs Jim] It's been a long journey... but [sniffles] I'm Santa Claus! Pam So Santa, what can we expect from this party? Phyllis It's going to be a very jolly time if you've been good! Creed What if you've been bad? Phyllis Oh then nothing but a lump of coal for you! Creed What if you've been really, really bad? More evil, and strictly wrong? Jim Hey, Creed, we covered it. Lump of coal! Phyllis Yeah. Dwight For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea, for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, to find himself... in jail! Pam You know Oscar every time I make this lasagna people ask me if it's a family recipe, but really, I just get the recipe from the box! Oscar That's funny. Pam Is it funny? I thought it was more ...interesting, than funny. [she walks over to see Oscar at the window looking down on man catching a football in parking lot] I think my water just broke! Oscar That's too funny. Pam Oscar and the warehouse guy! Go Oscar! Go gay warehouse guy! Michael Heeeeeere's Santa! Hey little girl, what would you like for Christmas? Ooh, you have been a very naughty girl, I see. [points to Pam's' pregnant tummy] Pam Michael, we already have a Santa, Phyllis. Michael What the hell is going on? Michael Phyllis, Jim? Phyllis is Santa? Jim Yeah. Michael Phyllis? Jim Yeah I told her a long time ago she could do it. Michael Take it back. That is absurd. Jim No, I'm not gonna do that. Michael No? No! Jim! Come on! Jim I think she's doing a good job. Michael It's insane! A woman Santa, where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last Christmas that we have here, doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious, me NOT playing Santa? Come on! Jim I'm not gonna go tell Phyllis that she can't be Santa. Michael Fine! Then do it anonymously. Ransom note style. You can- I -you know what, I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk. You can use those. Michael If this were Russia, yeah sure. Everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block and once you sat on her lap and she'd ask you what you wanted, you would say probably "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore. Michael [santa voice] Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Claus over there, when you can sit on my lap. Phyllis is only ... pretending to be a man, I'm the real thing. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt! Group [mutters] Okay... Michael No it's not, not like penis-wise. [as Santa] Hello little boy, what's your name? Kevin Michael it's me, Kevin. Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap. Michael Oh! I am so sorry that Phyllis hates you. And hates your body. But, Santa remembers a reindeer that was just a tiny bit different as well. Kevin When can I sit on your lap? Michael Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go. [Kevin sits on his lap. It's a struggle] Oh my God. Kevin That's really comfortable. [Michael gasps] Michael What would you like for Christmas little boy? Kevin I don't know. I didn't know you were gonna ask me that. Michael What did you think was going to happen? Kevin I didn't know. Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before. Michael All right, just say "some toys" please. Kevin Can you give me some choices? Cause I really don't want to mess up on this list. Michael Damn it Kevin, come on. Kevin What about if I tell you the things I don't want? Michael Okay get off, get off! [pushes Kevin off] Oh! Oh, God! Kevin I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted! Michael Okay you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you so Santa doesn't have to go through this again. Kevin Awesome. Phyllis Well? Jim I'm trying Phyllis. You're Santa. Phyllis The only Santa. Jim That's what I want. Phyllis You promised me this. Don't make me get Bob involved! Jim What would Bob do? Phyllis Never mind, I shouldn't have said that. Andy Does it hurt? Erin It stings a lot. Andy Hmm. Erin I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts. Andy I know, right? Erin So far no one will admit to it. Andy Huh! Erin Is it you? [Andy stage face, eyes pop, big mouth smile, Erin laughs] Andy Yeah! Totally! I admit it! It's me. Erin Seriously? Andy "Seriously?" Are you serious? Erin What? Andy Yeah! Totally serious! I'm your Secret Santa! Busted! Oscar There he is. Daryl Hey. Oscar Is Matt around? I got his check. Daryl Uh, Matt is on a delivery. Just leave it here, I'll take it. Oscar Ah, I'll just... wait for him. Daryl Matt's a pretty good-looking dude, don't you think? Oscar I'll just leave it here with you. [drops checks, leaves. Daryl smirks] Michael Ryan come here! Ryan Whoa, whoa. Michael Come on, come on. Ryan I'm doing something over here. Michael Ahhh... Ho ho ho! [struggles to pull Ryan towards him] Come on I need this. Come over here! Ryan What are you talking about? Michael Just sit down! Ryan No no no. Jim Hey hey hey. Everything okay? Michael Yup. Ryan and I are just having some fun! Jim Can I just talk to you for a second? Michael Whoop! Okay, what? Jim You can't yell out "I need this, I need this" as you pin down an employee on your lap! Michael Okay. You know what Jim, there are two Santas in the room. Things get ruthless! Jim Yup. Michael Do you understand, you forced my hand? Jim Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa. Michael Oh, do we? Do "We?" Is that what "we" want? Why don't "we" take a vote on it? Jim Great! Michael Hey! Okay! Everybody! The office is being pulled apart! I realize that. There are traditions at stake. And there are- Jim Who wants Phyllis as Santa? [most everyone raises their hand] Michael No no no wait! No! There are other choices, there is information that we -[Dwight counts the raised hands] Are you kidding me? Kevin? After you almost killed me? Kevin Michael I had you. I just want to try Phyllis. Jim And if you want Michael as Santa, raise your hand. [Michael, then Dwight raises hand] Can I get you some punch? Michael I'll get some punch. That looks delicious. [shoves Santa hat into punch] Office Aw, Michael! Dwight Excuse me. Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger. Phyllis How do you know it's a gun? Dwight What else does it look like? Stanley Not a gun. Dwight Well I don't have all the pieces yet. Stanley Well, unless the missing piece is a gun, you don't have a gun. Dwight Not a gun. [crosses gun off his "what could it be" list] Phyllis In the North Pole I spend many nights alone tinkering with toys. So today, let's put a twinkle in Ole Kris Kringle's eye! Let the party begin! [Dwight plugs in tree lights, office applauds.] Michael I don't ask for much for Christmas, I really don't. It's not like I'm begging people to buy me diamonds and ...broach pendants. "Oh buy me something expensive or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not - I don't care about that. All I want to be is Santa. And, you want to take that away from me? Fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me. Michael Behold! [extends his arms] Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings. I want to remind everyone the true meaning of Christmas. [Angela claps] Those of you who wish to join me, that's great. I'm excited by that. And those of you who don't, I forgive you. But I never forget. Toby Wow Michael, like this must be obvious how wrong this is. Michael Oh the Anti-Christ! Toby You can't, [Michael touches his forehead and makes sizzling noise] Ow. Look, you cannot push religion. Michael Oh but I can push drugs in here? Is that what you're saying? Toby No! Michael Well you have to pick one or the other. Your choice. Pick your poison. Get back to me. In the meantime, I am going to spread my goodness all over this company! Andy Hey Phyllis, could you not reveal to Erin that I'm her Secret Santa? Phyllis All right sweetie, I'll tell her its Michael. Andy Okay. Kelly and Erin [singing] I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas day, on Christmas day... Pam Have you talked to him? Oscar Who? Pam Matt? Oscar Is it that obvious? [Pam starts towards Matt] No- hey... Pam Mmm! Good pate, right? [Matt nods yes] Oscar made it. Have you met Oscar? Matt I don't think so. Pam Hey, Oscar, come here. Oscar, this is Matt, and um, Matt loves your pate. Matt I had some. Pam Oscar's pate is great. I could eat it all day, every day. Mmm. How come the good ones are never straight, right? Oscar Okay Pam. Pam Okay. Pam Yes! They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together. Phyllis This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch! Dwight We don't have a North Pole branch. Idiot. [grabs package] Michael [on karaoke microphone] Uh oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is iiiit? Dwight Yes! [Dwight opens package to reveal another machine part] Michael Oh yes. It's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend! [sings] Deck the halls with crappy gifts... Phyllis Ho ho ho! For Stanley! Ho ho ho! You've been very good this year - Stanley I have. Michael [on microphone] Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible people. What'd you get? Kevin He got scented candles! Michael [on microphone] Oh, that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going. Better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockey sticks. You're going to Hell Stanley. Angela Amen. Phyllis And this brings us to you, little one. Michael [on microphone] I can't see from here people. Somebody shout it out, don't make me get up. Angela It's fabric! I really wanted this. Michael [on microphone] That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet. Angela Andy, is this you? Michael [on microphone] No! Phyllis It's a secret. Michael [on microphone] Andy had Erin. Andy Nnnnya. Michael [on microphone] What? Was I not supposed to say it? [Jim unplugs mic] What? Turn it back on. Jim No. [Michael gets up and walks into his office] David Yes Michael, what is so urgent? Michael David, guess who I'm sitting here dressed as. David I'm not going to guess. You can tell me or I am going to hang up. Michael I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards. David Michael... Michael I'm Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis, a woman, has uslurped my role as Santa. David Michael- Michael What? David This is a very very bad time. Michael Really? What's going on? David Stephanie, can you hop off please? Stephanie Sure David. [disconnect] Michael What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time? Erin Do you want me off the call too Michael? Michael Hey! Get off! Get off the phone! David Listen, I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer. The board will have no choice to approve. They are going to clean house. Michael What does that mean? David I'll be fired. Michael Well, can't Alan protect you? David Alan will be out too. All of us. Michael All of us? David Goodbye Michael. Michael Oh my God. Michael Earlier today this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. And now, it needs a Michael. And that's one suit Phyllis cannot fit into. Michael Hey. How's everybody doing? Jim Not great. You heckled Santa for an hour and a half. Michael That was a different guy. That was Jesus. Jesus sort of ruined the party. Hurt petulant Jesus. Angela Are you serious? This is so offensive. Michael You know what's even more offensive, is baling on this party because some... jerk ruined the first part of it. Dwight come here. Here's my debit card, I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas and meet me in the conference room. Dwight What's your pin number? Michael I don't want to say. But, "it's fun to stay at the -" [nods to fill in blank, but Dwight doesn't know] Michael "It's fun to stay at the -" Dwight Where? Holiday Inn? I don't ... Michael [gestures the YMCA dance] Mmm, mm mm mm. [Dwight smirks, leaves] Andy I, I thought that you would like it. Erin It was a little much Andy. Andy Well it's the thought that counts. Erin What were you thinking? [Andy freezes] Andy I suppose a gentlemen might... throw in the towel, at this point. Guess what? Not gonna happen. Michael You know what, Christmas isn't about Santa, or Jesus. It's about the workplace. All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son. And Pam, you're my wife. And Jim. And Angela and Phyllis, you are my Grandmas. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all your wonderful beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?" Jim What? Pam How could we do what? [general murmur] Michael It's not... Nevermind. Nothing. [arguing voices] Stanley We deserve to know. Michael I didn't say anything! Angela If you know something Michael... Michael We're going out of business! Group WHAT? Jim What? Dwight You are kidding me! Jim Wait wait wait, who said that? Michael David told me on the phone. David told me. Dwight When? When did he tell you? Today? Michael Earlier today. Dwight Awww! Michael He said, we have been sold. [upset murmurs] Jim What? Dwight Aaaarrhh! [kicks over Christmas tree] Michael Dwight! Jesus! Angela Come on! Jim Michael, wait. So they said we are sold? Michael David's gone. Alan's gone. We're all gone. Jim Okay. We haven't gone under. We've been sold and that can mean many different things. Michael It's hard for me to imagine a scenario, where Meredith Palmer keeps her job and David Wallace does not - no offense Meredith. Meredith No, I get it. Michael I'll call him. I'll call David. Jim No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone. Michael Yes, I will. Because I always know how to get through to him. Michael He told me where his kids go to school. I call the school, I tell them I'm a pediatrician. They patch me through to his secretary. I use my little girl voice. Badda bing, badda boom. David Hey Sweetie, what is it? Michael It's not sweetie, it's Michael Scott. David What the hell? Michael Stephanie could you hop off please? David Michael, I have never- Michael David! David Ever, ever... Michael David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch, and the warehouse. Dwight Hey David. Kelly Hi David! [group hellos] David Hello everyone. Michael David, they do not believe me. When you told me everyone was canned. David You weren't supposed to tell anyone Michael. Michael Well I think we're past that now. David I am not supposed to... Okay. Guys. I was really only talking about Alan, myself, a few other execs you don't know. Jim Oh my God, David. That's horrible. Meredith How 'bout us? It's Meredith. By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman. David Look. They're buying the company for the distribution. You guys are the only thing about this company that works. So congratulations. Michael We're not fired? David No! No, and congratulations. Michael Yeah! [office erupts in cheers and applause and hugs] It's a Christmas miracle! Dwight Yeah! Michael Woo hoo! [climbs on desk, stage dives into crowd of employees] Dwight [singing] I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known. Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone. [Meredith and Madge help right the Christmas tree] Dwight It's true. We all walk alone. Kelly [opens "New Moon" poster] Jim.... Jim! [Hugs him] Dwight [singing] My shadow's the only one that walks beside me. My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating... Toby [opening kite from Ryan] Wow! Cause... [reveals Kite Runner book] Ryan Yeah! That was the idea. Toby Thank you! Ryan Awesome! Toby Thanks man! [awkwardly tries to hug Ryan, pats him on the back] Kevin [singing] Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging... Michael Oh! You got it? What is that? [Dwight building his gift] Dwight I have no idea. Michael Huh. Well, maybe those will help. [puts bag of walnuts on his desk] Dwight Michael? Please! Come on! Matt Nice to meet you Oscar. Oscar Nice to meet you Mark! Matt It's Matt. Oscar Right, Matt. [Matt leaves] I know what I'm doing, Pam. Dwight Oh man! [Dwight dropped a walnut into the nutcracker] I can use this for so many nuts! Macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds. Clams, snails... Michael Hi Santa. Phyllis Hi Michael. [Michael sits on her lap] Mm. 'kay. Michael I'd like to make a wish. Phyllis What? Michael I would like an Xbox, and a TV that's compatible with an Xbox. And, I'm sorry. Phyllis An Xbox it is. Because I've decided you're a good boy. Bob Vance Scott! What in the hell is going on here? [Bob enters dressed as Santa too] Phyllis No Bob, we worked it out. Michael You called Bob? Phyllis I'm sorry, Michael Come on! Phyllis! Phyllis I'm really sorry. It was earlier today. Michael Okay. Phyllis Hi sweetie. Bob You okay baby? Phyllis I'm good baby. [they kiss, both dressed as Santa] Michael Oh God. Get a room Santas! Michael Thank you Santa. Happy Holidays. Dwight It's real slippery out here. [sound of drummer's starts] Jim Oh my God! Pam Twelve drummers drumming. [marching drum band lines up to perform, Andy steps out with cymbals] Andy Merry Christmas Erin! Take it away boys! [dances along to the drumming]