Andy You wanted to see me? Michael Yeah, Have a seat. Andy Is it serious? [Michael stares] Wow. Andy's a wittle scared. Michael Okay, right there is the problem. There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk. Andy Why would people say that? Michael I have it on good authority that you said the following. [hands Andy a notecard] Can you read that back to me? Andy Andy have a boo-boo tummy. Michael Mmm-hmm. Andy Would you rather me say "Hey guys, my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up?" Michael Okay. Andy "Crazy diarrhea happening right now?" Cause things can get real adult real fast. Michael You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "nummies," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widiculous," and "wode iwand." Andy Do I sometimes replace Rs with Ws? Yes. Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy. Michael You can't be a baby in the office. It makes me look like I hire babies. Andy Well if I we're complaining, a lot of people think your Elvis voice is annoying. Michael Okay, who said that? Andy I don't-just people. For the record, I think it's pretty fantastic. Michael [Elvis voice] Well, thank you... thank you a lot. And for what it's worth I think your baby voice is tops. Andy [baby voice] Tank you Mr. Elwis. Michael [as Elvis] You're welcome, baby. Andy Dr. Tuna, MD, I have some terrible news. Jim Wait, are you the patient or the doctor? Andy The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the Mondays. Jim Wow, what do you put our chances at? Andy 0%, unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant, stat! Jim Hmm, sounds risky. Andy Don't worry. There is a surefire cure. Employee of the Month. Every awesome place I've worked has had one. Andy Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, AIG, my summer at Enron. Jim Wow, that's not such a bad idea. Andy Great! [sits down] Jim Anything else? Andy Nope! [stands up and leaves] Erin Frankie's Dirty Joke of the Day? There's a bunch of those. Michael Keep. Erin There's a bunch of Sent e-mails that jusy say "Delivered." Should I delete all of those? Michael I want to keep those so I can see what I sent. Erin That's why you have a "Sent Mail" folder. Michael Keep. Erin There's about 30 news alerts for "Nip Slip." Michael For what? Erin "Nip slip." Michael Oh okay. I don't know how those got on there... Erin Well... Michael Must be hackers. Jim Hey. What's up? Michael What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend? Jim Did you murder someone? Michael Worse than that. Erin Oh, my God. Michael Lurk much? [Erin leaves] I miss Pam. Jim I think she's okay. Michael Is that what we're going for now? "okay?" We used to go for "pretty good." Jim Great. Hey, how do you feel about starting an Employee of the Month program? Michael Yeah, you know what, that actually might make me feel better. I'm not in this for the trophies, but... Jim You're not in it at all, because you can't be employee of the month, you're a manager. Michael Well, technically, I'm a co-manager, and I barely have any responsibilities, but I work hard, I love this company, and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month. Jim It would look bad. Sorry. Michael It would look good, on my mantle. Andy Jim's talking to Michael right now. They totally went for our idea! Dwight Yeah! Your idea. Dwight My idea. I just need Andy to think it's his idea. So it won't get traced back to me. In approximately six hours, Jim will get a phone call from David Wallace. He will be fired. Erin Hey Pam, do you have a sec to check over this inventory? Pam [glances at it] Looks great. Erin Oh, did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't. Pam Okay. [picks up and reads sheet] The Michael Scott Foundation is still in existence? Michael There you are. I don't think we have finished with my Inbox. Phyllis What's "Scott's Tots?" Stanley Has it really been ten years? Stanley [shows newspaper article and reads] "Local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders" Pam Michael, why did you promise that? Michael To change lives. Pam No Michael, why would you promise that? Michael Yeah, okay. Call the school, cancel. I can't go through with this. Erin We've already rescheduled seven times. Pam Michael, this is a terrible terrible thing you've done. Michael Well... Pam It's terrible. Michael No. Pam Just terrible. And the longer you put it off, the worse it's going to get. Michael I just, I fell in love with those kids. and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system, so I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous. Michael Just tell me it is going to be okay, all right? Pam No! Michael I'm not a bad person, I bring good news. Like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college. Okay, all right. Pam You have to tell them. Michael Would you come with me? You know, like old times, instead of... [makes yuck face at Erin] Erin I can print out a new itinerary with Pam's name on it. Pam It's fine. Erin, you're going to go. And you're going to make sure Michael tells the truth. Michael Agh, God, you know what, could this day get any worse? Dwight Hey Jimmy, what's up? Jim Not much. Dwight Cool. Very cool. I bet if you tried, you could grow the best beard of anyone in this office. Jim [laughs] Thanks Dwight. Dwight That laugh is so infectious. Jim You're creeping me out. I'm gonna go. Dwight I didn't mean any of those things I just said. And you can expect the same from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole Employee of the Month situation in the bud. Make it about the work. Jim Let me guess, you think you should get it. Dwight This encompasses all available data. Hours, tardiness, unconfirmed sick days, participation. Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency. Also, this should be accompanied by a monetary prize. Jim Well, in an ideal world... Dwight In an ideal world, I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. Jim Okay, if it's all the same to you, I'm just going to take away "Survival Skills" and "Self-defense." Dwight I'm going to run this by Toby and Accounting and have him assemble the data. Jim That's okay, I'll do it. Mikela Mr. Scott? Michael Hey, Mikela Lasker, how are you? Mikela I'm good. Michael Good to see you. Where's your saxaphone? Mikela It's in the music room, Mr. Scott. Michael Eigth grade graduation, she gave a rendition of When The Saints Go Marching In that would blow your freaking mind. Erin Wow! Michael Well, you didn't even hear it. Mikela Everyone's so excited that you're here today. Michael Oh, good. Mikela Now, I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first? Michael Sure. Erin [points to a sign saying The Michael Gary Scott Reading Room] You're famous. Mikela I'm sure you remember this place. Michael Oh, yeah. Mikela Do you want to go in? Michael No, not at all. Nope, come on. Michael Oh, you know what? You know what? I shouldn't go in there. I'm pretty busy, I should just... Mikela We just want to say thanks. Michael Oh. Students [cheering] Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Mr. Scott! Teacher Mr. Scott, I know you're a busy man, and your schedule moves around a lot. But through all your generosity through the years, your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you. Students [getting up and dancing] Oh! What? Oh! Break it down! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Lefevre You came into our lives and made a promise, made us honest, made us realize, we don't need to compromise, cause we can have it all! Cause you made it possible, for us to achieve the improbable! Students Hey, Mr. Scott! What you gonna do? What you gonna do, make our dreams come true! Michael Wow! Dwight Hey, so Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in- Kevin Hey. Dwight So Jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a 20 for this whole Employee of the Month thing. Kevin Jim said that? Dwight He thought you were doing an incredible job last month. Kevin Jim said that? Dwight You seem suprised. Kevin No, no, that makes total sense. Dwight Hey buddy, so every- Oscar Sure. [puts in the twenty] Dwight Five minutes ahead of schedule. Right on schedule. Teacher Politicians are always coming around, telling us they're going to fix our schools, promising this and that. But you, Mr. Scott, you are actually doing it. You have taught these kids with hard work, that anything is possible. You are a dream maker and I thank you! I thank you, I thank you, I thank you, I thank you! So much. Lefevre There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game. But I always thought back to my guardian angel, and the gift that you gave me. So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself, and become the next President Obama. Michael [crying] Oh, God. Oh, God. Jim Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Welcome. I know you're all very excited, but no matter who gets this, I just want to say that you are all employees of the monthin my eyes. And the winner is, employee number nine. And that is? Andy Number nine, number nine. Jim Halpert. Everyone Huh? What? Oscar Are you kidding me? Dwight Oh, no! Jim Okay, wait, I was not... I did not- Kevin I... I... I did not... That was not... How come not? Jim Guys, listen. This was anonymous, all right? There is no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here. I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score. Angela To my tally, you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day, and a nice, tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us. Jim Will everybody stop for a second, because obviously I'm not taking any of it. A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out. Second of all, there was no cash prize. Angela Yes! Jim Dwight? Dwight Yeah, you said "In an ideal world, there would be a cash prize." Isn't that what you said? Jim No, Dwight, I meant... Yes, in a perfect world, someone would get money. But- Phyllis Yeah, but in your perfect world, only you get money. Teacher Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour, Mr. Michael Scott. Michael All right. Wow. Um, I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today. Who here has done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "A" gym and "B" gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands, anybody, yes, a bunch of you, okay. Well, me too, I've done something stupid which I would like to share. Ummm. [period bell rings] Should we go? Teacher Oh, no. We're okay. It's a double period Michael Ah. All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay, you're going to make me say it. All right, I am so proud of all of you. Derrick, and Lefevre, and Ben, and Ayana, and Mikela, and Nikki and Jason, and... I'm sorry, okay, sorry spacing, your name? Zion I'm Zion, I'm Mikela's younger brother. Michael Well Zion, I am not going to be paying for your college tuition. Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition. I'm so, so sorry. Michael I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Mikela You lied to us. Michael I lied to myself too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close. And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40, I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know. I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil drems, some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place. Lefevre You owe this to us! Michael Okay, hold on. Hold on. Now I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class to be in class. Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience. And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. [students perk up] Which is rendered useless without batteries, and I have one for each of you. Students [yelling] Michael Hey, hold-hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. They're lithium. Jim Look, there was a big mistake obviously, so I will fix it. Okay? This was your idea anyway. Andy Correction. It was my idea. Jim Okay. Dwight My idea! Creed Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not really even pregnant. Pam Ok, for the record, I am pregnant and, obviously there has been some kind of a mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on. Phyllis That's fair. Dwight Excellent idea, Pam. Pam Thank you. Andy That would be employee number three, which would be... son of a bitch, Pam Halpert. Phyllis How is that possible? No offense Pam, but how the hell is that possible? Dwight There must be some reasonable explanation for this. Pam No, wait, come on. I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month. Andy Oh, really? From what, two to four? Pam Yup. Jim Guys, this isn't some elaborate scam, okay? Deliveryman Hi, I have an order here for a custom cake, Jim Halpert. Jim Okay. That is me, but I didn't order the cake. Kevin Look who it is! [shows camera the cake, which has a picture of Jim] Angela "It could only be you!" Way to go. Dwight He knew all along! Kelly I'm going to have some cake. Stephanie David Wallace's office. Dwight [imitating Kevin] This is Kevin Malone, is David there? Stephanie No, he's in his weekly staff meeting, can I take a message? Dwight Tell him I'm mad at Jim, because he's asking us to give money to Pam. Dwight [imitating Stanley] This is Stanley Hudson. Jim Halpert is a menace. Dwight [imitating Toby] It's Toby Flenderson. Listen, things are getting really bad down here. Lefevre Hey, Mr. Scott. Michael Erin, can you give us a second? Lefevre That was messed up what you did. Michael Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know, I know, I'm sorry. Lefevre Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that? Michael What can I do? Lefevre You can pay for my college. Michael I can give you an extra laptop battery. Not everyone took one. How about this? If you can find a way to pay for your college tuition, let me buy your books, okay? Lefevre They're expensive. Michael Yeah, well, I owe you that at least, right? Lefevre It's about $1,000. Michael Really? Wow. That's over $200 a year. Lefevre No, $1,000 each year. Michael For-okay, okay here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to write 4 checks for $1,000 each. I'm going to date them one year apart. Now, you are to use one check a year. And please call me before you cash the check? Cause I've got monies to move around. Lefevre Okay. Okay. Make it out to my mom, Rosa. Michael That's a lot of zeroes. Jim This is Jim. David Wallace Jim, what the hell is happening there? Jim Hey, uh David. David Yes. Jim So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today. It's been a little wild, uh, but I am on it. David Just so I understand, you started Employee of the Month, give it to yourself, then people complain, so you give it to your wife? Jim No. David Am I missing something? Jim I really don't know how it happened, David. Dwight I know how it happened. Description [Dwight is listening to the recording-pen from Jim's office] David Jim, I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier. If you can't do that, we're going to have a separate discussion. Jim All right, it will not happen again. I promise. David Uh, hey, I'm sorry. I'm taking this out on you. Dwight No! David It's been crazy here. You know I think you're doing a great job, right? Dwight What? Jim Yeah. Thank you. Dwight No. David Okay. Hey, we still on for dinner this weekend? Dwight What? Jim Yes. David Okay. Dwight Oh, you're kidding me! Jim See you. Dwight Damn it! Erin Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do-- Michael Please stop. 15 lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today. Erin No. Michael Yes. Erin No, there's financial aid, uh, they could join the army or the navy. Michael You're what, like, 12? Erin The principal told me that 90% of Scott's Tots are on track to graduate, and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school. So I think if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out. Which is something to think about, I think. Michael I think you're doing a great job. Erin Really? Michael What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business? Erin I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant. Michael Really? Erin Yes, but I'm terrible at math so... Michael You know, when I hired Kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse. Erin Seriously? Michael Yeah. I just sort've had a feeling about him. I have a feeling about you too. Michael and Erin Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Hey Mr. Scott, What you gonna do, What you gonna do make our dreams come true. Jim See you tomorrow, Dwight. Dwight Apparently. Ryan How's it going? Good day? Dwight Not now, Temp. Ryan Um, okay, so, um, listen. I know about your diabolical plan. Dwight What? Diabolical plan? I wouldn't even know how to begin a diabol... [Ryan holds up a written copy of Dwight's daibolical plan] Ryan I found a copy of it in the copier tray. Dwight So what do you want? Ryan I want the same thing you want. I want to take Jim Halpert down. I want in.