Pam I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room? Jim We would really appreciate it. Dwight Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass. Pam Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy. Phyllis Now this is getting ridiculous. Dwight Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk. Meredith All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I'm not stopping for anyone. Pam I don't think I'm asking for too much. I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace. Andy [Dwight peels a hard-boiled egg at his desk, sniffs it and takes a bite; Pam stares at him, picks up her trash can and pukes into it] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And... frankly so does talking about it. So... wow... [Andy, Phyllis, Meredith, Erin, Oscar and Angela all proceed to throw up in various places while Creed looks on eating a bowl of noodles; Dwight stares shocked; Pam wipes her mouth with a satisfied look] Michael [standing next to a car decorated for leaving a wedding] What do you think? I spent all morning on it. Jim It is really special. Pam Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... no. It's great. Michael It's just a really important day for me. Jim Well, congrats. Michael Thanks. Erin Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day. Jim Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column. Kevin So... you're going to provide them, then? Jim No. This is a fire cracker free wedding. Kevin What the hell? Dwight Come on. You've got to be kidding me. Pam Ok. All of these things are important to remember but the most important thing is no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding. Jim Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people may be offended. Angela Decent people everywhere will get offended. Pam Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned. Angela Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers. Jim That's nice. Pam You know, Angela, you don't have to come to the wedding. Angela Really, Pam... Michael Yes she does. Yes she does. We're all gonna go and we're gonna have a good time. [hugs Angela] Angela Ow! He pinched me! Michael No. Pam Next time we're all in this room Jim and I will be married. Dwight We'll see. Pam Thank you, Dwight. Jim Good-bye. Pam See you later. [others say good-bye] Michael And, hey, don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara. Andy What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter] Michael Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke. Andy No... I didn't steal your joke. Michael Yes. I said that yesterday. Dwight But you can say that about anything. Michael Dwight... Dwight What happens in accounting, stays in accounting. Kevin Oh yeah. Michael No. No. No. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke. Dwight It's easy. That's what I'm saying. Michael This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls! Michael Pam and Jim's wedding will be the single best pick up destination in the history of the universe. Dwight I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family. Michael Get out of here. Dwight Yes. Michael Oh, my God, Dwight. Dwight For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster. Michael There's... a name. Dwight Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike. Michael Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn. Dwight Well... she was really into mountain biking but not so much lately. Micheal Ok. Dwight She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike. Michael Is that all you have on her? Dwight Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name. Michael You're an idiot. Kevin People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office... but I'm going ot turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair- [beeps again.] Ok. Ok. I'm going. [long beep] God. Andy [in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, do one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know. Kelly This is so much cooler. We feel like wer're in a limo and you're our driver. Andy Mmm-hmm. Erin? Erin Oh no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back. Andy Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom. Pam [in car] Hey, my aunt told me something neat. Jim Yeah? Pam She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points. Jim Oh, wow. That's cool. Pam Yeah. Jim [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever. Pam Oh. Jim Lousy Picture. Pam We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures. Michael [in car, Michael driving] Oh! God! Wow! Oh. I was asleep. Dwight What? No way! Michael Those glasses are super dark. Dwight Oh. God. Michael Alright. We need some tunes, I think. Dwight You know what? I made you a cd... Michael You did? Dwight Mmm-hmm. Michael That was nice of you. Dwight This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room. Michael Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in. Dwight You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the cd] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of you're night in heaven-" [Michael turns off cd] Michael Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room? Dwight Yeah. It's practical. Michael No. No. That's not how it works. Jim Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitchy now, which is a lot of fun. Front Desk Clerk Halpert... Jim And Beesly. Tonight we're in two seperate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite. Front Desk Clerk Great. Jim I know. We're pretty excited, too. Pam Can we take a look at the suite now? Front Desk Clerk Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in. Pam Oh... is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend? Front Desk Clerk Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there. Andy Hey. I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs] Jim I don't like that. Pam I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please. Michael Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott. Front Desk Clerk One moment while I check. Dwight The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement. Michael Mmm-hmm. Front Desk Clerk I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation? Michael I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms. Front Desk Clerk Oh, ok. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out. Dwight Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745. Front Desk Clerk Yes. Schrute. Dwight And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes? Front Desk Clerk Sure. No problem. Dwight Ok. Front Desk Clerk Here's your key, Mr. Schrute. Michael Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room. Dwight No way. What if I meet someone? Michael I'm staying in your- Come on, Dwight. Dwight No. No. Michael I would do the same for you. Dwight You would? Michael Yes. Dwight Really? Michael Yes... just go- Dwight Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours. Michael Oh. Thank God. Dwight Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you? Michael Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes but you can't. And I'll tell you why. Dwight Please? Michael If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay. Dwight Mmm-hmm. Michael Ok. Dwight Ok. Ok. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test. You have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me. Michael I don't have a room? Dwight No you do not. Michael Ok. 'Oooh. You must pass the dungeon wisdom test.' Dwight It worked. Michael Jerk. Michael When Mary was denied a room at the inn... Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet. Stanley Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson. Michael Hey. Stanley? Can I stay in your room tonight? Stanley Are you crazy? I brought Cynthia with me. Michael Not in the same bed. In the other bed. Stanley I got one queen size bed. Michael You... are... kidding me. Stanley A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael. Michael I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful. Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight? Erin Oh. Gross. Kelly Blow my brains out. Michael That's rude. Toby Michael, I have one extra twin bed, if you want. Michael You are going to be slepping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you just get used to it. Mr. Halpert So, which one is Pam's grandma? Pam Oh, Mema? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles. Jim Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right? Mr. Halpert No. Michael Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word. Jim Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott. Mr. Halpert Oh. Michael How ya doin'? Mr. Halpert Hi. Michael Nice to meet you. Mr. Halpert Nice to meet you. Michael Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of bat clean up and- Jim Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think. Michael [talking quietly, trying not to move his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives. Jim Pretty sure everyone heard that. Michael Didn't move my lips. Pam Hey, Mema. Mema I wasn't sure about your branch of the family. After I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you. Pam Oh. Thank you... but nobody's perfect. Mema Well... I wouldn't care to live if I thought that. Jim Mr. Beesly. How are ya? Mr. Beesly I'd like you to meet Christy Kelly. Jim Oh. Is this, uh, is this your niece? Mr. Beesly [laughs] No no. She's my girlfriend. Hey? Can you make room at the head table? Dwight From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report. Little Girl Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter? Dwight Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim... the bad man was busy kissing the boss man's butt. Kids Ewwww! Dwight That's right. It is ew. It is very ew. Pam Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor. Oscar Pleased to meet you. Penny I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil? Kevin She thought I was your boyfriend. Oscar You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you? Pam Oscar, it was an honest mistake. Oscar Him? Him? Kevin Oscar, I would be proud to date you. Penny I'm sorry. Kevin I'm not gay. I'm Kevin. Penny Nice to meet you, Kevin. Kevin Yes. Oscar You owe me and apology. Penny I'm so sorry. Kevin Are you seeing anyone right now? Pam She has a boyfriend. He's out of town. Kevin Cool. Ryan [to a girl sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history. Meredith More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories. Ryan Um... also- Andy How did Meredith get put at the young people's table? Kevin She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin. Andy What? You're kid- That's- You're- Isabel Jim and Pam, I can't tell you how happy I am to be here. Michael Head table, where I belong. Dwight It's just for family. Michael Well, who's that one? Dwight Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2. Michael What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight? Dwight That's a very good record. Pete Alright, so I'll be like, 'You're so sweet guys and so kind'. Tom That's when I'll do the face, like- Pete Like, 'What? What?'. And then we'll just give him a little punch in the back and- Tom A noogie? Pete You know what? Never too married for a noogie. Michael They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom. Tom Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine. Pete Smoking. Tom Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch. Pete A little mo' cardio. Michael That's not appropriate. Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? 'I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car.' That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider. Dwight Knight Rider. Michael That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope. Dwight No. Michael That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. [no one is laughing] Dwight Very smart. Michael And... you... everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh. Jim No. Michael Yeah. Go ahead. Jim Alright. Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming. Pete Douche. Jim Aw, thanks, Pete. That was really nice. I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight... especially the Flordia cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do... which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photo copy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick? Pam Like... a year. Jim I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So... I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses- Mema What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink? Jim Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- no. What we want- the real reason is that, that Pam's pregnant. Michael [clears throat] Ok. Ok. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... they had an accident and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consentual sex- Mema They were living together? Michael Yes. Yes they were living together. Yes and you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation. Jim Michael. Michael When you c- well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation. Jim Oh, my God. Please. Michael When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman- Pam Michael. Michael ...but it's different for the- ok. Ok. Pam Michael. Stop. Michael Alright. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Mema, I hope you heard every word. Jim Alright. Michael Jim. Jim To waiting. Everyone [quiet and scattered] To waiting. Mema I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, 'How could they pick such a hotel?' Hmmm. Now I know. Pam Mema. Michael That was a little touch and go at first but I think we saved it. Jim I can't believe it was me. Michael I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me. Jim Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things? Michael I have not found that to be the case. Pam Hey, smooth guys. Jim I'm so sorry. Michael Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me. Pam Mema's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning. Jim Oh, my God. Are you serious? Michael There's gonna be a free room? Michael Hi, Mema. It's Michael. Mema Oh. You're that foul guy that kept talking about intercourse. Michael Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I? Michael I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandma... and then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody. Mema I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off. Michael Oh. Ok. Well... hook you up, there. [turns off tv] Mema Oh. Thank you. Michael You're welcome. Mema It was that horrible Charlie Rose. Michael Oh. Isn't he terrible? May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Mema, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encouage them. That's part of life. Mema People are like cats and dogs these days. Michael Exactly. Mema This used to be such a great country. Michael I know. Mema I don't know what happened to it. Michael They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Mema. Mema You mean, Sylvia. Michael Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio. Andy Partay. Room 639. Kevin Yes! Andy Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models. Kevin That sounds epic. Can we bring anything? Andy Nothing. Except $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo! Andy No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down. Andy If I was girl, I would seriously reconsdier coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them to come. Angela And where do you think you're going? Pam I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit. Angela Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead? Pam I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while. Angela Mmm-hmm. Ok. I'll go with you. Come on. Pam [sighs] Nevermind. Angela Are you sure? Pam Yeah. Angela It'll be fun. Pam No. Michael What are you wearing? Dwight What? It's a casual, social outfit. Michael Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight. Dwight No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex. Michael Ok. [Dwight howls] That's not appropriate. [Dwight continues howling] Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl] Ok. Ok. Come on. Let's go. [both howl as they exit] Kevin It's a good idea. Oscar It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece. Kevin Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice. Dwight I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself. Michael Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm. Isabel Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have? Dwight Nine and three-quarters. Dwight I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'. Michael [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar. Dwight Michael. Michael Yes. Dwight Drop this one. Abort. Michael Why? Dwight I found twins. Michael Oh, my God. Twins. I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you. Dwight Aren't they magnificent? Michael They're men, Dwight. Dwight I love finding a good set of twins. Michael Something is wrong with you. Erin [everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves. Andy You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, ok? Like this. Kelly Lame! What else you got, Andy? Andy How about a little bit of this. Erin Oh yeah. What else you got? Kevin What else you got? Andy Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain] Erin What else you got? Kevin It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. Pam's here. [knocks on Pam's door] Pam? [knocks again] Andy I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. Pam What? Andy I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital. Pam Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours. Andy Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here. Pam [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital? Jim [over phone] What? Pam He tore his scrotum dancing. Jim [over phone] What? Pam He is in my room icing his balls. Jim [over phone] What? Pam Please stop saying what. Can you take him? Jim Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted. Pam Your brothers took you out drinking? Jim Uh... Michael [over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly. Pam That's Michael. You're out with Michael? Jim [over phone] And Dwight. Dwight [over phone] Hey-O! Jim Pam, it just happened. Pam Okay, fine. I'll take him. Jim I love you. Okay, I gotta-I gotta go! Michael [over phone] I love you! [laughs] Pam Are you pushing me off the phone? Jim No. Let's talk for a long time. Pam Goodbye. [hangs up phone] Michael Mmm! It's after midnight. [points at Jim] Michael and Dwight You're married. [hugs Jim] He's married! Dwight Congratulations. Jim That's not how that works. Dwight Oh my goodness. Michael Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back. Dwight You'll have Pam to answer to. Michael She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim... take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons." [Dwight laughs] "And... and clip my toenails." Dwight "Jim... hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV." Michael Now you sound like Kermit. Andy Are you sure this is the right way? Pam Nope. I, like you, have never been here before. Andy Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum. Pam Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before. Andy I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so- Pam My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job. Andy Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so- Andy [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow! Andy [snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom. Pam Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night? Andy No. No that was real. Michael [folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy? Hotel Employee [Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you? Kevin I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet. Hotel Employee You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please. Kevin Thank you. Hotel Employee [whispers to manager] Sir. It's the man with the shoes. Hotel Manager Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone. Kevin They were stolen? Hotel Manager No. Destroyed. Kevin What? Hotel Manager The bag was opened by our shoe shine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually. Kevin But that was my only pair of shoes. Hotel Manager It became a safety issue, sir. Kevin Well... well damn-it. Hotel Employee I can offer you a complimentary breakfast. Kevin Okay. Dwight [walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything? Isabel Hmm-hmm. Dwight Cell phone? Charger? Isabel Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day. Dwight It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel. Isabel That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding? Dwight You know it. Isabel K. [they kiss] Dwight Okay, get out of here. Isabel Bye. Dwight Okay. Michael [passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit. Dwight [lays on bed] Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots. Michael [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that? Dwight I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You? Michael Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself. Dwight Hey, what was she like? Michael She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger. Dwight Brides side or grooms side? Or townie? Michael She was from Europe. Dwight No kidding. Michael Uh-huh. Dwight I bet she had hairy armpits. Michael No. Dwight Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere. Michael Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me? Dwight No. Michael She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe? Dwight Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth. Michael No... you're crazy. Dwight Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass. Michael She's- okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It- it- Dwight You should ask her out. Michael [stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend. Stanley If your hat hits me in the face one more time- Phyllis That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date] Angela [sees Kevin's toupee] Oh my God. Oscar Oh... Kevin Oscar. Angela. Erin Are you in a lot of pain? Andy Oh cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I um-I just have that side to me. Erin People say you cry all the time. Andy Well that's not- Meredith Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me. Andy I wasn't telling you. Meredith Is there still something there? Andy Excuse me? Meredith It didn't get torn off? Andy No, it didn't-nothing got torn off. Who told you that? Jim I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married. Erin If you want to sit on this- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer. Andy It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you. Michael Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so- how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me. Dwight I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs. Penny Is it zipping over your belly? Don't squish the baby. Pam Thank you weirdo. Pam's mom everybody see Kristie's stupid blonde extensions? It's like they were made from a plastic broom. Pam Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress] Pam's mom Oh darling! You look beautiful. Pam Thanks mom. Pam's mom Oh, I hope he deserves you. Pam He does. Pam's mom Are you sure? Remember you don't have to do this. You don't. Penny Mom, you're totally projecting. You're being a drag. Pam Yes. Thank you, mom. Isabel Hey, I'm going to go outside and talk to Dwight. Pam Okay great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Yeah, I'll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no! Jim [answers cell phone] Hey! Pam Can you come here please? Jim Is this allowed? Pam No. No, but I'm allowing it. Just come here. Dwight [talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment. Isabel Hello stranger. How do I look? Dwight Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want? Isabel Um... [shakes head] nothing. Anymore. Dwight [turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene's and Filene's basement. Michael [to Isabel] Hey, hey... He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy? Isabel I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid. Michael Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go? Pam Hey. Jim Wow. You look- Pam Terrible. Jim So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Hey- Pam My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels- Jim [takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty. Pam [sighs] Thank you. Jim And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right? Pam No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie] Jim There. Now we're even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss] Pam [sighs] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people? Phyllis I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife. Angela Yes. Oscar [to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing? Kevin I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee. Oscar How long do you take to pee? Kevin The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on. Michael [to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you-would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have- Pam's mom Oh, yeah-[hands Michael a snack] Michael Oh! Eww... apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or- Pam's mom No. Michael Oh... okay. Were you saving it? Pam's mom Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just-I've had a very rough weekend. Michael I'm sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes. Erin Do you think they canceled the wedding? Angela Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party. Michael my weekend was bad so far. Pam's mom Oh- Michael I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm. Pam's mom Oh that sounds awful. Michael And... and the love of my life is dating somebody else. Pam's mom Oh- Michael It is a terrible year for love. Pam's mom Yeah. Guess it is. Michael I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen. Tom Halpert Excuse me, are you Michael Scott? Michel Um, yeah. Tom Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you. Pete Halpert Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back. Michael Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health. Tom and Pete [laughing] Yes! Meredith Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing? Stanley Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster? Kevin Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs? Stanley No. Kevin Who would want it? Oscar Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes. Dwight Toby. Toby What? Dwight I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour. Toby [sighs] Dwight [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Come here you. Toby Well I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing] Pam's dad Hey. What happened? Ryan Where were you guys? Do you know how long I've been waiting here? Jim Well we are here now, so let's just- Michael [walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy... in my heart... right now. How do I look? Jim You look great. Pam You look great. Tom [looks at Jim's cut tie] Wear a tie much? Penny [music starts playing and people start dancing down the isle] I begged them not to. Pam Mm-hmm. Penny I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list. Pam Yes I did. Penny I'm sorry. Pam [smiles] Go ahead. I think it's your turn. Penny Wait, what happened? You're okay with this? Pam Yeah, I'm okay. Penny Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the isle] Michael Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube. Pam Saw it. Jim I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her. Kevin What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.