Michael It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route. Michael [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied! Ryan We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick. Michael Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam. Pam We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says "Alleluia Church of Scranton." in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it. Pam You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? Michael Milk and sugar. Pam Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar? Michael That's what I said. Pam Do you drink this every day? Michael Every morning. Michael We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20- of those. Pam [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church. Charles Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming? Jim Oh, they're my client. Charles No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company. Dwight [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more. Charles In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott. Stanley What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price. Charles I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable. Andy Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys. Charles Why are you telling me this? Andy I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie. Charles Is this something you really want to have said? Andy I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it. Charles I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault- Dwight It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired. Charles I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh- Angela Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not. Charles Uh, well said, Angela. Dwight Been there, done that. Michael You know what we need? We need some couches in here. Ryan Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy. Michael Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft. Pam Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy? Michael Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. Pam Yeah, I know what a loft is. Ryan Most dorm rooms don't even have that. Michael Most do in the magazines. Ryan Let's see what a delivery guy costs. Michael We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft. David Wallace Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey. Jim Hey, David. Dwight David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you. Charles There he is. There he is. How was the trip up? David A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure. Charles Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company. David Hmmm. Charles I feel like I should be thanking you. David Uh. Jim [makes kissing, puckering sound] Charles The conference room is ready if we want to get started. David You know, I just want to address everyone first. Charles Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention. David Hi, everyone. Kelly Hi. David Hi. Uh, look it's no secret- Kevin Hi. David Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback. Charles Right. David Okay? Phyllis Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients. David I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please? Charles Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay? David Hmm. Charles Yeah, Jim- David I find that extraordinarily surprising. Charles He shows promise and Jim, I don't know- I- he's been a disappointment. David We'll bring them both in. Charles Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim. Dwight Come along, afterthought. Michael How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy? Financial Guy Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct- Michael They are correct, sir. Financial Guy Then you can't afford to pay him anything. Michael Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss. Financial Guy Your prices are too low. Michael Lowest in town. Financial Guy Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices? Pam Corporate greed? Ryan Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable. Financial Guy Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct. Ryan Yeah. Financial Guy But you need to use a variable cost pricing model. Michael Okay, sure. Right, so- why don't you explain what that is to- so that they can under- just explain what that is. Ryan Explain what you think that is. Financial Guy Okay. Michael Explain that. Financial Guy As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care... Michael Well, we don't- Financial Guy ...business expansion- Michael Whatever, yeah. Financial Guy At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make. Michael Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business. Financial Guy They're actually putting you out of business. Michael Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again. Ty It's a program. There's no such thing- Michael Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please. Ty [presses key on computer] Crunch. Pam Did it help? Michael Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check. Pam When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid. I trust you." Jim Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers? Charles God, no. Dwight Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak. Charles I agree. Dwight I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor. Jim Really? Does he do good work or- Dwight [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs] David Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out. Dwight Five minutes exactly. Charles Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you? Dwight Sure thing. Charles Yeah. Jim [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called. Jim You're just out of business? Pam We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Jim Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay. Pam That's what Michael said. Jim Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying "Idiot, Idiot, Idiot"] Oh, that's my new "Dwight" ring. Pam I like it. Jim Good, right? Hello. Dwight [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way. Jim Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it. Michael Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? Pam Steve Martin's not dead, Michael. Michael I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this. Pam You want to hear something sad? Michael I would love that. Pam So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview. Ryan I never went to Thailand. Pam Really? Ryan I went to Fort Lauderdale. Michael Was it nice? Ryan Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though. Michael I love Pad Thai. Ryan You've never had Pad Thai. Michael No. There's a lot I haven't done. Jim Now, this is the projection over three months? Charles We still have the inventory sitting- [everyone starts chattering at once] Dwight Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say- can I say something? David Yeah, yeah. Dwight There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom. David I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer. Charles Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out. Jim Oh, but you didn't. Dwight Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure. Charles What is wrong with you? David Jim, you're- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer? Jim Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so- David Yeah. Jim I mean I guess- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction. Dwight You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this? Charles No, Jim... I think you should go. Jim Okay, so I'll be back in, um- back in a bit. Michael [knocking on door] Hmm? Jim Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second? Michael We're not hiring, Jim. Jim Actually here for something else. Michael Listen, I can't make you laugh right now. Jim You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales. Ryan Oh, that's nice. Jim David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out. Pam Seriously? Are you being serious? Ryan He's bluffing, Pam. Michael Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl- Jim Oh! Michael No- We don't have- Jim Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout. Michael [stammers] Uh... Yes. Pam Yes. Ryan Maybe. Jim Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs. Michael Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks. Jim Missed the last part. Michael That's a pun. Jim Got it. Michael Yep. Oh... wow. Ryan Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke. Michael Of course not. Ryan That we're having any problem at all. Michael Nope, nope, nope. Pam Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke. Michael Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke. Michael Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it. Pam No, Michael. Michael Ah... Ryan No, man. You're- you're fine. Pam We have to come from a position of strength. Michael I'm good, I'm good. Ryan Just put it out of your mind. Michael It is. I'm good. Michael Hello. Erin Hi. Michael Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... David Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer. Michael And we are prepared to reject that offer. Ryan Michael, you haven't even heard- Michael Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer? David $12,000. Michael Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was. Angela What do you hear? Kelly [mumbles] David Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get. Michael I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you. David Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael? Michael [stutters] We'll have to talk- Charles What? Ryan We'll have to talk about this. Pam Mm-hmm. Michael Just amongst ourselves. David Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time. Michael Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Pam $60,000. Michael We are so rich. Pam Are you kidding me? Dwight Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles. Charles Dwight. Dwight May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke. Charles What? How'd you hear that? Dwight They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures. Jim Great work Dwight. Dwight Quiet you. Jim No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right? Dwight You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty. Charles So how long can they stay viable? Jim What are your top five cases? Dwight I'm gonna answer Charles first. Jim Because you've solved zero cases. Dwight Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed. Charles Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room. Dwight Done. Charles Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it? Dwight I'm not- I'm not following you. Charles You two are morons. Jim Got it. Dwight Wh- Charles Get out. David So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm? Michael No. Pam Can you give us another minute please? David Yeah. Charles Oh, okay. Pam Michael. Ryan How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000. Pam Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing? Michael It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? Ryan I would rather have $60,000, honestly. Pam No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer. Michael Agreed? Pam Agreed. But that's all, okay. Ryan Yeah, discuss these things- Michael Shut up, shut up. Hello? Michael I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring. Charles They don't make them anymore. Michael And I want Charles gone. David I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable. Charles That's very kind of you to say, David. Michael I need him gone. David No. Michael Okay, then I want Pam back. David Uh, you already have a new receptionist- Michael Sales. Pam Thank you. David Pam's not a salesperson. Michael Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday. Pam That's right. David Okay. Please continue. Michael And Ryan. David Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is- Michael You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me. David Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits- Michael And dental this time. David Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out. Michael These are our demands. David Your company cannot be worth that much. Michael Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names. David Michael- Michael That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court. David Okay. Deal. Okay? Michael Can we have the room please? David Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds] Ryan Yes, yes, yes! Pam Alright! Michael Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about! Michael There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it. Charles Hey, guys- Michael No, no. You're done.