Phone Salesman Hi. Pam Good morning, can I help you? Phone Salesman Yes, I'm from Techstar about a new phone system for you. I was wondering if I could talk to Michael Scott. Pam I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Phone Salesman Really? He's never around when I come by. Pam Shoot. Pam They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [realizing] Vending machine. Phone Salesman How about I make an appointment to come back? That way, I know he'll be here. Pam That is a great idea. Phone Salesman Great. Pam [while leafing through Michael's appointment book and seeing nothing but free time] Um, oh boy, let's see, he's really... Jim [approaching Reception] Michael Scott, manager. Hi, how are ya? Pam There he is! Phone Salesman Oh, hi! Great. Jim Nice to meet you, yeah. Whew! I can assure you we don't need a new system though. Happy with ours. Michael [coming out from his office] Hello, may I help you? Jim Jimbo! Michael ...Jim. Jim [impersonating Fonzie] Ayyyy! Michael Ayyyy! Pam Ayyyy! Michael Ayyyy! Jim Ayyyy! Dwight [running from his desk] Ayyyy! Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight Ayyyy! Phone Salesman Ok. I'm, uh, I'll be going. Jim, Pam, Michael and Dwight Ayyyy! Michael [laughing] What was that? Pam That was funny. Michael That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else. Ayyyy! Michael Oh, look at that. Cupids and hearts. Really shoving our faces in it this year. You doin OK, bud? Kevin I miss Stacy. Michael Yeah, I hear ya. It's been four months since I was with Holly, and she was way hotter then Stacy. So if you think you're hurting... Kevin I can't even imagine. Pam This is our first and only Valentine's Day as fiances. Jim You're only engaged once. Well present company excluded, but. Pam Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday? Jim Yeah. [Jim leans in for a kiss but Pam turns away] She's fine. Kelly So, I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer. [Kelly opens the envelope] Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning, and maybe a check-up too. Michael Oh, wow look at those. How nice for you. Up there, front and center, beautiful. I think they would look better right here. [Michael takes the flowers from Pam's desk and puts them on the ground off to the side] They're very pretty and I wouldn't want them to fall. [Kevin groans] Michael Just about everyone in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion, and it is my first Valentine's Day since Holly, so I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces. Michael Pam, really, they're back? Pam I can't see them when they're on the floor Jim They're for her to look at, Michael. Michael Can I have a word with you, Jim? Jim Yes, let's have a word. Michael Yes, um, Jim. Today is a very difficult day for a lot of people in this office. Jim Oh, I'm sorry. Michael Yeah. And the sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers, it's creating a bit of a hostile work environment. Jim I understand that. Dwight So sexy it becomes hostile. Michael Mm-hmm. Jim Uh, I actually thought we were keeping it pretty low-key. Michael Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest- Jim We do. Michael -that none of us can be a part of- Pam You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael. Michael [gesturing Pam to be quiet] -then, we, are gonna have our own private Valentine's Day party. Jim That sounds fun. Michael So suck it. Hey everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely heart's convention, this afternoon. Singles only. Dwight Yeah, deal with it Pam! Michael So we may not have someone in our lives that we love, but we do have each other. Dwight Having trouble finding a vein? Blood Drive Worker Yup, a little. Dwight How about now? [Dwight untenses his arm] Dwight I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. [pauses, then nods signaling that he performed the feat] Michael I am about to give blood. The gift of everlasting life, the transfer of my bodily fluids, oh wow, that's a big needle, that -- Blood Drive Worker You're gonna need to lie down right over here. Michael Okay. Hello. Blood Girl Hi, I cant talk right now. I'm sorry. Michael Oh, OK. Blood Girl Whew, I'm really nervous. Michael Yeah, me too. Blood Girl Yeah, when I get nervous I sort of clam up. Michael Oh, well, that's fine. Blood Girl Whew, it's better for me just to be quiet, yeah. Michael Yeah, can I point something out to you? Blood Girl Sure. Michael You're actually talking a lot. Blood Girl Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous. Michael Okay, here we go. Blood Drive Worker Alright, here we go. Michael Oh, God. [Michael clears his throat] Blood Drive Worker Just relax. Michael Yup, I'm good, whew. Wow, I feel like a human juicebox. [Blood Girl laughs] Hawaiian blood punch. Blood Girl Oh, that's gross. Michael Type O-Ocean Spray. Blood Girl God, stop. Stop it. Phyllis Hey, why don't you guys come have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. [whispering] Michael is terrified of bob. Pam What do you think? Jim I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves. Pam We're in. Michael Yick. Blood Girl What? Michael I looked at the bag. Blood Girl Ew. Michael I looked straight at the bag. Blood Girl That's not good. Michael Could you distract me for a second, just talk about things that don't have blood in them? Blood Girl Well, ok... bags! [Michael is taken aback] Alright, that was bad. Michael That was mean. Blood Girl Um, a hat. Michael A hat. Blood Girl A hat with no blood in it? Michael That is full of soup. Blood Girl You're cute. Michael What? Blood Drive Worker You're done. Michael Oh, already. Blood Girl Ah, we did it! Michael Whew, wow I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days. [Michael passes out] Blood Girl Is he OK? Michael [ccming to] Oh my God, how long was I out? [Michael looks over where Blood Girl was and sees Hank] Hank What? Michael Excuse me, waitress, where did the lady go? Blood Drive Worker Oh. She left. Michael OK. Oh, wait a second, wait a second, that's hers. This is hers, she left her glove. I need her name if I'm gonna return her glove. Blood Drive Worker I'm sorry sir we can't give out that information. [Michael sighs] Meredith [seeing Kelly tear a paper heart in half] What are you doing? Kelly Decorating. Meredith I'll help. [Meredith tears the wings off of a Cupid] Now it's just a stupid baby. Kelly Yeah, thanks. Phyllis It is so nice to go out with another couple. Pam Anything to get out of that office. Phyllis I know Bob I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass, that other jackass, and that new jackass. Phyllis He's talking about Michael, Dwight, and Andy. Jim Oh yeah, I understood. Michael Well here we all are. Alone but together. No flowers for us. [in a Mexican accent] Relationships, we don't need no stinking relationships. I think we should all go around and tell our worst relationship story, and then get past it, just blow through it, yeah? Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly, yeah? Kelly Well, his heart was in the right place. Michael Yeah, but now his heart is in Thailand along with the rest of his body having random sex. [Kelly looks hurt] Okay, sorry, let's, who else? Oscar. Oscar I don't think so. Michael Come on, I'm sure there's something you need to get off your chest. Oscar I can't. Michael If you wanna just, anything? Are you sure? I'm sure whatever you did it wasn't your fault. OK well, who else? Bob Everyone here who's bowled a 280 please raise your hand. [Bob does so] Jim No way, a 280? Pam Wow, that's impressive. Phyllis Okay. Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand. Jim Yikes. Phyllis Come on, Bob. Raise your hand. [Bob does so reluctantly] Jim No. Bob, no. No! Pam What? Bob One time. You love bringing up that one time, don't you? Phyllis Yes I do. Pam Jim uses a 6 pound ball. Jim That is a lie, that is a lie. Pam Yes, he bowled 5 frames with this pink sparkly thing until a little girl had to ask for her ball back. Jim But! That girl must've had monstrous hands because the holes fit. Pam No, you just have little dainty fingers. Bob Oh yeah. You can always model ladies' jewelry. Jim Nobody asked, Bob! Oscar Do you risk telling him how you feel? Do you say something that you can barely admit to yourself? Angela Oh God, what did you do? I mean, not that I approve of any of it but... Oscar I was stupid, I told him. Kevin Was he in to you in like a gay way? Michael Moron, if he was there wouldn't be a story. Oscar He told me he wasn't gay. [everyone groans] Michael Really sad. Oscar I'm not done yet. Michael Oh my God. Kevin A week later a friend of mine calls me up, and he says "I just saw him in a gay bar in Kansas City." [everybody groans except for Michael who looks pleasantly surprised] Michael Well then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him! Angela My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them and when things went bad they had a duel over me. Oscar Yeah, Dwight and Andy. We were here. Angela No, this was years ago when I was living in Ohio. John Mark and John David. Oscar Angela, you had two sets of different men actually duel over you? Angela I guess I have. Huh. Michael Alright who's next? Where's Andy? Oscar He's on one of his honeymoons. Michael What? Oscar He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning and later he's got a couple's massage. Kevin My worst breakup was with Stacy. It was a Sunday morning, we were reading the paper, and I said "Oh my God, I think the Eagles could clinch the NFC East!" and she said that we're done. Michael You know what guys? I don't think we need to do this. Dwight You're right. OK everyone, back to work. Michael No, no, no, no. I mean have this kind of party. I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's, and I think that there are other single people out there too. We just need to find them. There's a girl out there for all of us maybe even in this office park. There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together. Dwight A net? a giant net? Michael No. Not a giant net. Dwight What do you have in mind? Michael I was thinking maybe like a mixer. Dwight Oh God, that's a terrible idea. Michael Old fashioned meet market -- Dwight No. Michael -- I don't think it is. Dwight Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation? Ha, you're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Pssh. You're like the guy who invented the seat belt. Michael These people need love and I am going to get it for them Who cares if we sell a little bit less paper today? A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees then anything else. I am going to be cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims, and they are going to get hit and say "I'm in love I was hit by cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done. Michael Hey. Dwight Hey. No movement. Michael Ah, still early. Dwight Eh, its not that early. Michael [sighs] So how you holding up? Dwight I'm ok. Feel a little lopsided because of all the blood they took out of my right side. Michael No. No, I meant about being single today. Dwight Oh. Meh. Michael Meh, exactly. Eh. Dwight Eh. Michael Oh, here we go. Dwight Hello. Michael Hello. [two women, a blonde and a redhead, enter the office. Michael and Dwight walk towards them and Dwight extends his hand to the redhead] Dwight Dwight K. Schrute. Why don't you introduce me to your little friend? [Dwight immediately breaks the handshake with the redhead and turns to the blonde] Hi, Dwight. Michael Babe alert! [to the redhead] Hello, I'm Michael Scott, welcome to our little shindig. Lynn Oh, hi! I'm Lynn. Michael Lynn, follow me, come on in. For you we have one of our top people Kevin Malone. Kevin, come out here show your beautiful self. Kevin Hello. Lynn Hi. Michael [after a short pause] So run with the ball! Run with it, Kev. [after another pause] Where you from? Kevin I'm from here! Michael Yeah, OK. Well, he only gets better. Kevin Thank you, Michael. Dwight I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead. Blonde I- I- believe you. Dwight You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie. So where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today. Blonde Um, I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses. Dwight You must use a lot of paper. Blonde Oh God tons of it . Pam What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom? Jim I think if you ordered hot food you're allowed to eat. Pam Oh, damn. [Pam looks down at her salad] They've been in there for like ten minutes. Jim Look at that. Bob ordered hot food. Pam Yes. And I think they gave him too many fries. Jim We should help him out. [Jim and Pam each take a French fry, eat it, and then look toward the bathroom] Kevin At the Circle Drive-In they show old movies. It's really cool. Lynn That does sound cool. Kevin I used to go there with my fiance [Lynn is taken aback]. Before she left me [Lynn shows pity]. No, I mean, before I left her [Lynn looks confused]. She left me. [Kevin walks away dejected] Kevin I think I blew it. It all happened so fast. So... fast. Michael So, Eric. You mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair. Eric I am. Michael Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy, so that's sort of a repair. Alright, I'll let you guys talk. Michael It's going very well. People are mixing, a lot of hope. Cause that's what you hate to see, when hope gets crushed. [Michael suddenly turns to look at the open entrance door] Sorry, thought I heard somebody coming in. Um, so [looking at his watch] it's not too late. Dwight ...and the kind of discounts we're talking about are not... hold on - Michael, Why do you keep looking at the front door? Michael No reason. Dwight Is somebody after you? Oscar Why do you always go to that? Has anyone ever been after anyone in this office? Dwight Hey, it just takes one! Michael Nobody's after me, I just, I met a woman when I was giving blood and I thought she might come by. Kelly You met a woman when you were giving blood? That is so romantic. Michael It's not a big deal really, I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her. Kelly Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale. Meredith She could be your soul mate. Dwight Oh, not likely. 3 billion woman on the planet, most of them live in Asia so the numbers just don't add up. Oscar It's possible. Kelly She could be. Michael Believe me its nothing. I hardly even talked to her we just, we were lying there next to each other, I think our blood bags touched. Kelly Aww. [Michael grins sheepishly] Jim Here they come. Pam [looking up from her pilfering of Bob's food] What? Jim No, just kidding. Seriously though, that's enough. Pam Well, you should cover it with the broccoli. Jim Oh great, I have to cover? Pam Do you think they dined and dashed? Jim Well they didn't dine so, yeah, maybe they just dashed. Pam I thought we were having a nice time. Jim We were. Pam Yeah. Jim [emerging from the Men's room] Empty. Pam [exiting the Ladies' room] Mine too. [Pam and Jim notice the Handicapped stall and walk towards it. Putting their ears to the door they hear Mr. and Mrs. Vance being intimate] Jim Oh boy. Pam My God. Jim OK. Girl Is this the party? [everyone turns to Michael wanting to know if this is Blood Girl] Michael Nah. [everyone groans and Girl turns around and walks away. Bob OK then. Jim So... Bob Where were we? Phyllis [out of breath] Bowling. Pam Yep, that, yeah. Bob You didn't eat much there Jimbo. Jim Oh initially I did. Bob Want some meat? Phyllis Oh sure, a little piece. Ooh, no mushroom though. Bob Forgot. Phyllis Yeah, thank you. [As Phyllis enjoys Bob's meat, Jim and Pam look knowingly into the camera] Kevin Hey, I'm sorry we did not have a chance to talk more. I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is. Lynn That's really sweaty. Kevin Are you on email? Lynn Oh, yeah. [gives Kevin her card] Kevin Cool. Bye. Lynn Bye, Kevin. Kevin Good Valentine's. Dwight So basically, the greater volume you decide to buy in, the greater discount we can give you. Blonde OK. [Blonde stands up to leave] Dwight OK, what's up? Blonde Look, I'm gonna go... Dwight Oh-oh-oh before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. You know maybe sign- Blonde Look, we already have a paper supplier. Dwight OK. Well, thanks for wasting my time tonight, idiot. God! Michael Hey, you don't deserve her. Dwight Thanks, Michael. Michael Hey, if anybody wants to go... Oscar We can stay a little longer. Michael Really? [everybody signifies their agreement, and Kelly gives Michael a piece of cake] Oh, thanks. Kelly Michael, it's time. Michael You know what, you guys, you guys can get out I'm gonna soldier on a little bit. Oscar Come on, we'll all go. Michael [after some encouragement] OK. Michael Four months ago, I dated a woman named Holly and, um, this is actually the first time that I've even considered getting back into that arena again. You know what, sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. You know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet and hands so I think, I think my odds are pretty good. Stanley Pardon me, may I have a chocolate chip cookie? I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy. Blood Drive Worker Of course. [noticing Stanley's arm] That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using Band-Aids. Stanley [backing out of the bloodmobile] I, uh-oh I feel so woozy I just [to Phyllis] Band-Aids. Phyllis Damn.