Pam What's wrong Michael? Michael I got gum in my hair. Pam You do. Michael This just stinks. Don't touch it, please don't touch it. Dwight You've got a ton of dandruff. Michael OK, let me be. Jim How'd you get gum in your hair? Michael I was walking in and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car and I got under to see what it was and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil. Jim But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter. Michael Kill me... right now. Pam We have peanut butter in the kitchen. Michael I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich. Jim Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am. Pam No Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad. Michael Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about. Michael Smells good. Dwight Taste good too. Michael Oh don't. That's disgusting. Dwight Wow! Lot of calories. Michael Well just don't leave it on too long. Keep massaging please. Ah yeah, that's nice. Dwight Hey Michael, how was your date last night? Michael [sighs] Michael I will be honest; the dating has not been going well. Look, men are visual creatures. We crave beauty, like a piece of fine art by any number of renowned artists, or an arty photograph of Cindy Crawford nude... that, but the women I'm getting fixed up with are, egh! Not that they aren't nice, or that have great personalities, they just... They just lack a certain... Crawfordness. Oscar I am livid, Absolutely livid. Angela It's ridiculous. Ryan Yes, I'm having the Scranton branch come in on one Saturday so they can re-enter sales that they made on the phone as sales that were made by the website which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working. Ryan My favorite branch. How's everybody doing? Jim Hey man, you mind if I run something by you? Ryan Love it. Go. Jim Well, I kinda feel like what we have going for us is our customer service, and no matter how we change this up, I don't know that a website's going to be able to replace that. Ryan I can tell you thought about this a lot, I appreciate that. Jim Thanks. Ryan David Wallace does too. You told him all about this at the Christmas party, right? Jim Did I? I don't... Ryan You did. Yeah. Jim Hmm. Ryan Watch your back Jim. I'm just kidding. Michael Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I know that a lot of you are very angry with Ryan because he is the reason we all have to come in tomorrow, however, I swear to God, If any of you hurts him in any way emotionally or taunts him or makes fun of his height or his half beard or... Ryan Ok thanks Michael. Michael Yeah. Ryan I'm here today to do some creative problem solving about Dunder Mifflin Infinity and field your questions. Dwight Question. Ryan Dwight. Dwight Why am I being forced to come in tomorrow and pretend that a website made sales that I made? Ryan This is a temporary measure to increase the legitimacy of the site. Stanley I don't like when my clients call me to help them use the website, I'm not seeing commissions on that. Ryan I hear you Stanley, that is a great observation. Problems like that will not happen when we launch Dunder Mifflin Infinity 2 point O. Stanley When will that be? Ryan TBD. Phyllis? Phyllis Did the police solve the problem with the... Ryan Yes, yes they did, yes they did. Ryan Yes, the social networking feature of the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website was infiltrated by sexual predators. Dwight I don't understand why our website has to have social networking at all. Jim Yeah, I actually have to agree with Dwight on that one. Ryan It's all about creating a one stop shop consumer experience, alright? You're chatting with your friends, you're talking about the latest music, about the election; all of it is happening in our virtual paper store. Jim And then an older gentleman asked you "Boxers or briefs?" Creed I don't get the big fuss here, I like the site. Kelly If I'd have created a website with as many problems, I'd kill myself. Ryan Do you have a question Kelly? Kelly Yeah I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? Michael [slow clapping] Ryan has done a very good job, and I am not applauding sarcastically. Think about it, a month ago nobody would go on this site because we were worried about getting molested, or losing our identity, having it stolen. But now, at a time TDB, all of the problems will be in the past. Ya done good kid, ya done good. Michael Well it has been nice seeing you again my friend. Ryan You too. Michael Oh Ryan, I need a girlfriend so bad. [hugs Ryan] Ryan Michael let me go. Let me go Michael. Michael Argh. Alright. Do you know any girls in New York you might want to hook me up with? Some that might be interested in a guy like me. Ryan Na. Michael Na? Ryan Sorry man. Michael Well you tried. Ryan But seriously, you should see the girls I meet at clubs in the city. Michael Yeah. Ryan Unreal. Michael They sound great. Ryan Bye everyone. Stay real Scranton, alright. Peace. Michael Would you have sex with Meredith? Jim What? Michael Do you think she'd keep it quiet? Jim I'm gonna go to my desk. Michael Jim, it's not the horniness, ok it's the loneliness that... Jim I know. Michael Let's go to New York. We'll go clubbing with Ryan. Jim I can't. Michael Yes you can, you're single, I'm single. It'll be awesome. Jim I'm not single. Michael Who you dating? Jim Pam. Michael That's still going on? Michael Ok, Dwight grab your stuff, we're going to New York to party with Ryan and to meet girls. Dwight Yeah! Andy Oh yes! Count me in dudes. I am in some serious need of some bro' time. Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately if you know what I'm saying. Angela I'm right here. Dwight No, singles only, singles only. Also three is unlucky. Curse of three. Michael Sorry Andy. Cannot take any chances on curses, not tonight. Let's go. Everybody, I will see you tomorrow, Saturday morning, probably wearing the same clothes that I am wearing right now, If you catch my drift. Angela We get it. Michael I am going to go get laid. Goodbye. Dwight [laughs] With sex! Michael That's... I, I think that... Jim You know what? If we all stayed a couple of hours late tonight without Michael distracting us, we wouldn't have to come in at all tomorrow. Jim So I caught everyone before they left and I told them my idea, and they loved it. Because this is a group that respects good ideas... the one time a year they hear one. Michael Ryan's assistant told us that he would be at this club this evening. It is called Prerogative. Michael Place is packed. Dwight Fire hazard. Michael Packed with beautiful babies. Swingers. Classic. John Favreau, tall guy from DodgeBall. Dwight Women look like white slaves. Michael No, they're just hotties. Ryan I don't know man, when you think about it, Cabo's really the third world. I don't go to a place like that to see more poverty you know. You go there to get some glamour. Michael Hey. Ryan Michael. Michael Hey! Ryan What are you doing here? Michael Well you know, just taking you up on your offer to party, so tada. Ryan That is so awesome man! Michael Alright! Ryan And you brought this guy! Michael Yeah. Ryan Aww! Michael Ryan, it's Michael and Dwight. Ryan I know it's you guys. Michael Ok. Ryan I'm so psyched you're here! Michael Well. Ryan Woooo! Michael Alright! Ryan Let's get a drink. Michael Let's do it! Jim Thanks a lot guys, Good job. Kevin Later. Jim Nice job everybody. Great work. Stanley Did you not tell the security guard we were working late? Jim Nope. I didn't, but let's go inside and I can call him right now. Pam You can't, I locked the office from the inside when we left. Stanley Perfect, you guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in an hour, you're both dead. Pam There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "What if you die Dwight, how will we get into the office?" He said, "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks." Ryan Guys, I want you to meet a really good friend of mine, this is Troy. Michael Hey, nice to meet you. Troy Hey, how ya doing? Dwight Hey, Dwight. You resemble a Tolkien character. Ryan Ah, he basically is man. He's a regular banking wizard. Dwight No, no, no. Not a wizard, a hobbit. Ryan Bottle service ya'll? Michael Oh ok, all I know is I would like some chicken fingers and a Midori Sour. Waitress We don't serve food here. Michael Oh ok, then just bring me two cups, one with olives and another filled with maraschino cherries. Dwight Do you live in a regular sized house? Ryan Yeah. He's a normal guy, he's cool. Jim You really don't have his phone number? Pam I told you, I have the number that rings here. Do you want that number? Toby I might have it in here. Pam Aw! That's great Toby. Toby It's so random that I have it. Pam Toby, you're the best. Toby When I put it in I thought it would be a waste of time, but I guess it was worth it. Jim Great, It's under here as Security Guard home. Did you not get his name? Or... Toby No. Jim It's ringing. Does anybody have his name? Quick. Andy Yes, it's Eddie. Jim It's not, it's not Eddie, it's ah, Evan or... Creed Hank, his name is Hank. Jim No guys his name's not Hank, it's ah, is it Edgar? Phyllis Elliot. Oscar Elliot! Jim Is it Elliot? Hey ch... chief, this is Jim Halpert from um... where you work. You're the guy who sits behind the desk... you're, you're the, the Afri... African-American guy, I mean you're. Ah... Who, Who've I got here? Ryan Dwight Schrute man. How's Schrute Farms? Dwight Good. Ryan This guy owns his own beet farm. Troy Insane. Dwight Well it's weevil season but we were prepared. Ryan Weevils, what a crazy word man. What? I don't even know what that means. What does that mean? Dwight They lay their eggs inside the unripe beet root, then come spring time the babies eat their way out. Ryan Crazy. That's too much for me man, I'm gonna hit the bathroom. Dwight You've already been several times. Ryan Yeah. Dwight Maybe you have some kinda bladder infection. Ryan I don't know, maybe. Dwight I'll order you some cranberry juice. Ryan With vodka, you're the best. Dwight [to troy] Do you have powers? Jim [on phone] Oh thank you Hank. You are a lifesaver, Hank. Appreciate it. [to office co-workers] Alright, so Hank is gonna come down here and he's gonna let us all out. [lowers voice] He said it should just be under an hour, so... [everyone groans] we did it. Oscar We should all make sure to give him a big tip this Christmas. Toby Sorry guys, but I don't think I tipped him for last year's. Angela Yeah, neither did I. Phyllis Jim was supposed to collect it. Jim Yup... Kevin Way to go, man. Kelly Now he's never gonna come. Andy By a show of hands, who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam? [people raise hands] Pam Phyllis. Michael I umm, thought about getting a tattoo on my back as well at one point. I was thinking about getting "Back to the Future." "Back" because it's on my back and "Future" because I'm the kind of guy who likes to look ahead into the future. I just think a tattoo should mean something, you know? And it's my second favorite movie. Girl in Club I've never heard of that movie. Michael Back to the Future? [she shakes head] Oh, wow. Well you should take a, a film education course. Girl in Club How old are you? Michael Forty... I'm in my forties. Girl in Club Wow. That's so cool. Michael Nuhh... Girl in Club Well I'm gonna go back to my group now. Michael Oh, OK. Girl in Club Thanks for the drink. Michael You are welcome. Michael This place is like sexy pre-school. Ryan Did you want a place where we could meet older women? Michael I would love a place where we could meet older girls. Ryan Hell yeah. I'll hook it up. [smashes beer bottle on the floor] Michael Ahh, wow. That's dangerous. Ryan [to bouncer] Check again, Ryan Howard. Dwight [to tall woman in front of him, tapping her shoulder] Excuse me. Tall Girl #1 Yeah? Dwight [referring to girls in front of him] How did you all find each other? Tall Girl #1 Uh, we're the Jersey State Varsity Basketball team. Northeast Regional Champs. All Girls Wooo! Dwight Amazons. Ryan [to Dwight, Michael and Troy] It's off. It's not the dude I know. It's some other loser who won't let us in without chicks. Michael You're kidding. Ryan Let's bail. [starts to leave] Dwight Ok, wai, wai, wai, wait, wait. [turns Ryan around annd points to basketball players] You two, Jersey State girls, let's go. Tall Girl #2 We're not going unless we can all go. Dwight OK. You know what, fine. Let's go, two girls to a guy. Come on, let's do it. C'mon, Ryan. Move out. OK, three or four with him [referring to Troy]. Let's go, c'mon. Here we go. Toby Hey, look what I found in the back. [shows a football to Pam] Wanna play? Teach you to throw. Pam I know how to throw a football. Toby Course you do. Andy Yeah, Pam! Hit me up! Go long. Woo! [Pam throws football, hits Meredith's face] Meredith Owww! Kevin Oh God. Bartender There you go. Dwight Wait, wait a minute, what's this, I didn't order this? Bartender It's for you. From them. [points to Jersey State girls across the bar] Dwight Oh. [dumps drink out] Troy What are you doing man? Dwight It's not safe. Anything could have been in there. [to girls] Nice try. Michael I've never met anyone who does that. You wash dogs? Very cool. Girl in 2nd club That's one aspect of small pet grooming. What do you do? Michael I am a bank teller. Michael Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance. Girl in 2nd club Cool. Michael I think so. Girl in 2nd club Yeah. Michael Yeah, I have fun. Girl in 2nd club I'm just gonna just use the powder room. Michael All right. Girl in 2nd club So I'll see ya soon. Michael Very perfect. [girl walks away, Michael laughs] Oh my [notices Dwight making out with Tall Girl #1] This needs to be shared. [takes a picture with his camera phone] [Cut to the office - All Office co-workers cell phones go off. They notice the picture Michael has sent and all groan] Michael She washes dogs. Ryan You're doing it man. Michael I know. I don't wanna get ahead of myself, but I think I want her to meet my mom. Ryan Hey man, you ever think there's gonna be this massive nuclear holocaust, and after all the major nations are destroyed they'll just be the tribes in the jungle that rise up and survive? The jungle war fare's gonna rule the world? Michael Yeah, maybe. [notices previous girl talking to another guy] Ryan It's inevitable, right? Michael Hmm... Jim [on phone] Please don't pick up, please don't pick up, please don't pick up. Hank Hello? Jim Haaank. Is that you? Hank Yeah. Jim Still haven't left the house yet, huh? Hank I'll get ready to leave. Jim Good. Please hurry. Hank [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Jim Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. Michael [on phonne] I am. I am getting out there. Well, no I've asked a lot of girls to dance mom. They're just, it's not... [Ryan is dancing feverishly and falls over] Yes, I shaved above my neck. Oh my God, mom, I gotta go. One of my friends is getting beaten up by some girls. Pam Actually, it's kind of too bad we're not coming into work tomorrow. Oscar Why? Pam I bet Michael had some elaborate theme party planned, like Scrambled Egg Saturday. [a few chuckles] Toby More like "Everyone let's get your boss laid Saturday." [more laughs] [Toby puts his hand on Pam's knee, everyone stares, Toby removes his hand] I have an announcement uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica. Thought about it for a long time now. And I'm finally gonna do it. So, I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home now. [runs out of lobby and climbs the fence and jogs away] Michael [Michael and Troy dragging Ryan out of the club] Those girls really wailed on you bad. Ryan Why wouldn't they let me dance? Michael Well... Troy OK I gotta go. Do not take him to a hospital. [runs away] Michael Pretty weird. [Dwight and tall girl run out of club] Tall Girl #1 [to Dwight] You have to go with me. Dwight I do, I have to go. Tall Girl #1 Stay. Stay, please? Dwight No, I have to go. Good luck against Conn College, alright? Tall Girl #1 Call me. Dwight Uh huh. [to Ryan and Michael] I'm not gonna call her. Michael Let's go. Ryan I don't wanna go back in. Michael I know, here we go. Jim [notices cleaning crew coming up to the gate] Cleaning people. Oscar. [everyone starts to walk outside] OK, so all you need to do is explain to them what happened, 'cause I think they can help us. Oscar Why are you assuming they only speak Spanish? Jim I... just... if they speak Spanish. Oscar [to cleaning people] Good evening, we locked ourselves in. [women don't respond] Nosotros trabajamos aqui, nos trancamos, OK? Cleaning lady Ohh... Oscar They happened to speak Spanish. Jim Lucky us. Ryan This is a one time thing, you know that right? [they walk into Ryan's apartment] Dwight Wow. Michael This is it. Dwight All right. Michael This is where the magic happens. Dwight Nice. Michael Very nice. Ryan One of you guys can have the sofa, and one of you guys can have... Dwight I got sofa. I got sofa. Michael Dwight, I'm the boss. Dwight I got floor. Michael Case anyone needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I don't wannna get my head stepped on. Dwight [to Ryan] Do you want me to sing you a song my mother used to sing me, when we were sick? Ryan No. [Dwight starts singing in German] Michael Dwight, shh shh. Dwight. Leave him alone. Dwight It's a lullaby. Michael Shh. Ryan, Ryan, we're going to take your clothes off. Ryan No. Guys, I think my friend Troy might have a drug problem. What do I do? Dwight I think his species might have a higher tolerance than ours. Michael Shh, just stop. Here's what you do. You tell him that you're his friend and that you're gonna help him and that everyone's gonna be all right. And then you put a wire on him and you find out who's selling him drugs and then you get that guy and you flip up, turn him into a snitch. You follow that guy to the people who's really really bad. Been watching The Wire recently. I don't understand a word of it. Ryan Guys, I'm going to sleep. You can leave the light on if you want, but please stop talking, OK? Dwight OK. Good night Ryan. Michael Best night ever. Michael Like I said, it's not about the horniness, it's about the loneliness. And how can I be lonely with my boys? Like a famous person once said, Boys on the side. But I don't, I disagree, I say... let's hear it for the boys. Hank [drives up to parking lot to notice all the office cars are gone] Son of a bitch. Michael You're gonna be okay, it's gonna... Dwight Ohhh, man! [sound of Ryan throwing up] There it goes. Michael Ahh, ooh! Dwight I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. Michael [helping Ryan out of the taxi] Come on, come on. Dwight That'll come out of the upholstery. Oh, man. He threw up in the back of the taxi. Ryan Dehydration. Michael Here we go, let's sit down. Dwight It's dehydration. He went to the bathroom at the club like fifteen times. Michael All right, shhh. Dwight, leave him alone. Troy Hey, don't blame me for what Ryan does. I'm not his dad. I'm his friend, okay? And friends are there to help you have a good time. And sell you the stuff you need to have a good time. Michael You had a rough night tonight. But your life is very good, my friend. You've got a great job, you... you can have any woman you want, you're good looking, you, you know... Dwight Friends with a hobbit. Michael Frien..sss...yes, you're friends with a hobbit, and... look where you live. I mean, you've got it all. Ryan Yeah, New York is great. Michael No, I mean this apartment building, it's fantastic. Ryan Oh, this, this is not my apartment. This, this is the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Michael Well, now I can say that I went to a museum. Phyllis [Phyllis, Pam, Toby, and Oscar are sharing iPod headphones] I don't understand. Which one is that? Pam That's the other Boleyn girl. Phyllis Oh. Oscar Honestly, the book is so much better than this. Pam Shh. Stanley [through the fence to Terri, who's holding a drink for him to sip] Ah, we don't know. They didn't give him his Christmas bonus this year, so... Hank [on phone] Stop calling me so I can put on my damn socks! Jim Will do. [hangs up] I'll stop calling. [walks into lobby] Kelly Was he still there? Jim No, that was his wife, so he's on his way. Kevin Jim, how long? I have to go to the bathroom. Jim Well, he'll be here really soon, Kev. Angela If you hadn't made us stay, we'd all be home by now. Stanley Somebody's always got to be a hero. Kelly I'm so cold, I'm gonna faint. If I faint, it's totally your fault, Jim. Jim Let's be honest, it's not totally my fault. [indicates Pam] Shared responsibility. Pam Mmm? Jim Oh, I just mean if you, if you didn't lock the door, then we could be upstairs where it's warmer. Pam I'm supposed to turn the lock when I leave, it's part of my job. Jim Is that... I didn't know that was your... okay, so we're in agreement, this is not ideal... situation. Michael Ryan? Ryan Yeah. Michael Do you ever miss us? Ryan Not really. New York is...so great. Michael Ryan? Ryan Yes. Michael Do you remember what color my eyes are? Dwight Hazel. They're hazel. Michael Dwight, I asked him. Ryan No, I, I was going to say hazel, yeah. Michael Really? Ryan Yeah. Michael Not just because he said it? Ryan No. Michael Ryan? Ryan You're my friend, Michael. OK?