Michael And the same thing goes for quarterly reports. They are unreadable. They're just numbers and boring and blech. So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic, like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud? And... when we have a good quarter, fireworks? Or a racecar? [everyone groans] Doesn't have to be a racecar. Use your imagination. Jim There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it. Pam I saw it. I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I saw it! Michael We have a lot of colored paper here... why oh why do we keep printing this on white? [screen saver box hits the wall] Andy Dah! Come on! Michael Yeah! I know. I know. It's bland. Oscar It's never gonna happen. Kevin Dude, you gotta believe. Michael Maybe, we could have some sort of riddle? Jim [to Pam] Wait for it. Michael Like, something that you have to look for. Sort of a "Where's Waldo." [screensaver box hits the corner of the screen] Everyone Oh! Yes! Michael [everyone gets up and leaves the conference room] Alright. Alright. Let's quit while we're ahead. Kevin That was so awesome. Michael That was awesome. Thank you. Michael Some days I am just on fire. What can I say? Meredith Hey... there he is. Jim Hey Meredith, how you feelin'? Meredith I never thanked you for coming to the hospital. Jim Oh, please, it was my pleasure. Well we all came, so... Meredith Well, I really appreciate you coming. I'm singling you ouuuut. Jim Haha... Meredith Anyway, I have this Sharpie... Jim Uh-huh. Meredith And I was wondering if you could sign my cast? Jim MmmHmm... Meredith [lifts up dress to expose cast on pelvis] Can you write where I can read it? Jim Oh yeah. Meredith [whispers] I'll read this when I get home. Jim Alright... Pam Michael? This is the press release I was telling you about. Ryan wants you to share it with everyone. Michael Oh, does he? Pam He does. Michael Mmmmmm. Okay. Attention. Earthlings. I have some news. Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep. Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anectdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you. Jim Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us? Michael And... today the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity website officially launches. Michael Well the website is the brain-child of my brain-child, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild. And, uh, to celebrate it's birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties, which will be connected via web-cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at uh, a very exclusive nightclub, and that is where all of the VIP's, including yours truly, will be partying with uh New York City's finest, and I do not mean policemen... Michael The company is projecting record high sales, and that by 6:00 the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow! Watch out Dwight. Dwight That's ridiculous. I'm not going to be beaten by a website. Jim Actually it sounds like you are. Dwight Really? 'Cause Ryan says so? Kelly If that's from Ryan, does it mention if he's seeing anybody? Michael No. It doesn't. I'll find out tonight. Stanley Yes, please let us know. Dwight I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today. Angela Waste of time. Michael What's that, pipsqueak? Angela Waste of time. The website's going to win. Dwight You believe a computer can beat me? Angela I don't care, but yes. Dwight Well I will prove you wrong. Angela I don't care, and you won't. Dwight We'll see. Angela I won't be watching, and I won't. Pam Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who are both already prone to unpleasantness. Phyllis Stanley, you're dancing! Stanley No I'm not. Ryan Yeah. I created a website. Look, at the end of the day, apples apples flying at 30,000 feet. This is a paper company and I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest. Voice of Thomas Dean I told you I don't want you doing these things in here. You can use your own office or do it in the hall. Ryan Convergence. Viral marketing. We're going guerrilla. We're takin' it to the streets while keeping an eye on the street. Wall Street. I don't want to reinvent the wheel here. In other words, it is what it is. Buyin' paper just became fun. Andy And this is where I will record your sales. Dwight Hmm. Very nice. Very nice. Andy And then I will say something positive, like kudos or job well done. Jim Or zipadeedoodaah. Andy I can't tell if he's mocking me. Dwight Just ignore him. Andy Ehh, can't do that. Really hard for me to let things go. Jim I was... mocking. Andy Thank you. Dwight I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale. Andy Yes like a chime or a bell... Jim Or a gong. Dwight Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me. Andy Yes! Kevin Isn't 7 pm a little late for a lunch party? Angela Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party! What is wrong with you? Phyllis Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people, and I got all of this. [whispering] So we're gonna try out some new things today. Phyllis So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch? Angela I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid. Phyllis I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be awful. Angela It is awful. You've made this day awful! Kevin Maybe you could just change the U into an A. Angela Then it would say lanch party, Kevin. Would it really be better if it said lanch party? Michael Ohh, lunch party. Angela It's supposed to say launch! Michael Okay, wow! Easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway. Angela I care! Angela Plan a party, Angela. Oh! And the entire world will see it. Oh! And here's $65.00 for your budget. Oh and here are four idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down. Oh. And your cat's still dead. Andy Twenty seconds to go time. Dwight Got it. Carb up. Jim Really? Power gel? Dwight Hey, you wanna win? You gotta fuel like a winner. Andy Okay. We start. As soon as I make... this shot. Aaannnddd go! Dwight Uhyeaahhh! Hello, Susan? Dwight Schrute. Jim What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working? Dwight Today I'm prepared to give you 15% off our normal prices. Jim What? Pam He's going through a break-up. Jim Yeah, I'm aware of that. But he's also being super annoying. And I'm not a perfect person. Andy [blowing air horn] Yeah! Dwight Three reams! Yoohoo... in your face, machines. Pam What kind of prank are you thinking? Dwight What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure. I'll hold. DunMiff/sys [on monitor] Who am I? DwightKSchrute [on monitor] You tell me. Jim [dictating to Pam] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DunMiff/sys [on monitor] Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper. DwightKSchrute [on monitor] How do I know this isn't Jim? DunMiff/sys [on monitor] What is a Jim? Dwight It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please. The computer should be scared of me! I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that Corporate gave me 2 plaques in lieu of a pay raise. Michael Okay. Pam Yes it's too tight. Kelly Waaay too tight. Michael Really? Oscar This is why I'm here? Kelly Why is it so tight? Michael It's the European cut. Angela Is just looks bad. Michael Umm... hey. Ah, what's hanging? Tech Guy Setting up the web-cam for the party. Michael Oh good. Okay cool. How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7? Kelly Depends... how much have you eaten already today? Michael I had um, one of those danishes. Pam Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Kelly You had carbs? That's awful. Pam Uh, just one second. We're in a meeting and I'll see if he's available. It's Jan. Michael Why don't you wanna go tonight? What... all your friends are gonna be there. It'll be fun. Jan [on phone] My friends? Michael, I was terminated. Michael Just... Jan Is it really that important to you? Michael Yeah. Jan Alright. Michael Thank you. Jan Go by yourself. Michael Na... no. No. If I go by myself everybody will think I'm a big loser. Jan Well... Michael Do I have your permission to invite Carol? Jan What? No Michael! Michael I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just the first... girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody I haven't slept with. Dwight Ohhhhhh! Andy Website check please. Meredith Three hundred and five. Andy Three-oh-five. You my friend are winning handsomely. Meredith Oop. It just made another sale. Three eighty. Andy You my friend are in a very close second. Meredith Four-oh-two. Andy Okay, uh why don't you just lay off, lady? Meredith What do you want me to do, not announce it? Four twelve. Michael So. This is the dealio. God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight. What are you doing this evening? Look at that. They have their own little language now. Like twins. Jim Sure we'll go. Michael Alright. Well fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy but boys night out is also good. Jim Oh I'm sorry. What? Pam One of the tickets is for him. Michael Just let me know who the winner is. Pam and Jim Not it. Jim Nope. Pam I won. Jim Definitely not. If anything it was a tie. Pam Tie goes to the girlfriend. Dwight No, I realize you normally reorder in November, but what I'm suggesti... you did what? Ah no! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damnit! Why would you reorder from a computer when you can have the personal touch of a salesman? Ahhhhh. [hangs up phone] Jim How's it going? Dwight Fine. Good. Jim Yeah? Dwight Yeah. Jim You look a little worried. Dwight I do not look worried. DunMiff/sys [on monitor] You do look worried. DwightKSchrute [on monitor] Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read... Pam Here's a suggestion computer. I assume you read binary so why don't you zero one one, one one one one, zero one one zero one one. Jim Okay. Um, while you were typing that I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. Oop, and sold more paper. Angela I asked for assorted cutlery and I got back spoons. These are worthless. Phyllis I want to understand what you're saying but it's difficult for me when you use that tone. Angela Phyllis. These are spoooons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks, which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now? Phyllis Yes. Angela Goodie. Jim Hey man. Darryl What's up man? Jim What's going on? Darryl Make a delivery. Jim Oh yeah? Darryl Kelly ordered this online. Dwight What are you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts. Kelly But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says, "Thanks for shopping at Dunder-Mifflin." Dwight Damnit Kelly! It knows! It knows what you did! Darryl Who knows? Dwight Return it! Return it now! Darryl Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk. Start sellin' multiple reams like a man. Dwight Y... You don't understand. If... okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible. Darryl Who's it? Darryl Here you go. Kelly Thanks. Darryl So you still missing Ryan? Kelly Not so much anymore. Darryl Mmmmm. Dwight I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them. Dwight Yes, Mr. Galliado. How would you like to pay ten percent less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information. What is important is that you say yes. Good. Michael Alright. I'm ready to go and I'm callin' shotgun. Jim I'm driving? Michael Yes. Thank you. Jim Alright, let me just say good-bye to Pam. Michael Oh yeah, you'd better. You better say good-bye to Pam. Say good-bye to Pam. Byyyyyye. I love you. [kissing noise, kissing noise] I love ya Pam... okay. [singing] I'm leavin' inside Jim's car, I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I do. Tomorrow I'll be back. I'll be back. Tomorrow. Um... yeah. So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight? Angela Because there's a party! A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks. Michael If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster. See you guys tomorrow. Dwight Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you. Mmmhmm. DunMiff/sys [on monitor] Oh. I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples. Dwight I'm sorry. Am, so sorry. I... yes. Uh, could you repeat that? Dwight Yesss! Ten reams for the US District Court! Did I happen to mention the forty reams for the battered women's shelter? Andy No ! [blows air horn and dances] Dwight Huh?! Angela Stop it! Gimme that! Give it! Dwight Did you see the board? Angela There's still an hour. Michael You ever read this? [holds up Green Eggs and Ham] Jim Yep. A long time ago, but, I liked it. Michael Got it for Ryan. Wanted to get him Oh The Places You'll Go, but they were sold out. Figured... Jim Yeah. Michael Same sort of stuff in here. Jim It's not. It's different. But it's a good book. Michael Mmwa. Mmwa. Jim What was that? Michael Leaving Pennsylvania. Jim Oh. Two kisses. Michael One for me one for Jan. Jim Gotcha. Michael You guys should come over for dinner. You and Pam. That'd be fun. Friday? Jim That would be fun. Michael Wanna come over Friday? Jim Uhhh. Can't. Michael After work you guys... Jim Oh, no cause... you're gonna let me know when we're close, right? Michael Yes. Actually I will tell you right now. It's a club called Chatroom, and there's a password to get in, which is actually password. So... Jim Mmmkay... Michael What are you doing? Jim Uh, that is an invitation to an online party. Michael No. Jim Yep. Michael No, I'm sure that's not. Na... Jim Are there, uh, three w's at the beginning of the address? Michael Yes. Jim Yep. Michael Well the invitation says VIP's only. Is this how you treat your VIP's, Ryan? We're already in the city. The main part with the buildings. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me, that I have to drive back to Scranton, to the satellite party, I am going to throw up! Okay I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up. You're making me throw up, Ryan. Michael You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when the Freshmen would throw a party and wouldn't let any of the Seniors go. Michael Doesn't it just piss you off sometimes that that little twerp got the promotion over us? Jim Oh actually I withdrew from consideration. Michael Yeah. I withdrew too. Andy Four! Three! Two! One! Dwight Yes! Andy Woo! Dwight Woo! Andy After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in it's path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping fifty-two reams. Dwight Reams. Wait. Say it. Say it again. Announce it again. Andy Fifty-two reams! Dwight No no no the first part. Andy Dwight has defeated the computer. Dwight Hey. So. What do you think? I did it for you. Angela I didn't ask you to do it for me. Dwight You didn't have to. Angela How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary? Angela Hello, Pam. Pam Hello. Angela Hey. Do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man. Pam Um... uh... I'll get back to you. Angela Let me know. DunMiff/sys [on monitor] You beat me. You are the superior being. Michael Alright who wants to party? Oscar Why aren't you in New York? Michael Ohhh, what? Oh I think I faked Oscar out. Stanley You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early. Michael I think I faked Stanley out too. Who else thought that I was leaving? And they could all go home early? Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton. Angela Thank you. Michael Nope nope nope no. This is going to be nothing like the party you've been planning. This is going to be good and everybody's gonna come. What's wrong with Dwight? Andy He beat the computer. Michael Oh hey! Good for you. Good for you. Scranton power. Alright you know what? Angela I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes. Bring something to write with and something to write on. Good. Michael This was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive who I cared about. But, you know, I'm not gonna cry over it. I did that in the car on the way home. Michael How we doing on time? Angela The party starts in an hour. Michael Good. These are some things that I would like to have happen. Angela Beer, lite beer, streamers, orchids. Better lighting? Michael Mmmhmm. Angela Something made of ice? Michael Those are just things. This is how I want it to feel. Angela Pizza, pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pizza, steak? Michael I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important... Angela Chocolates? Someone famous? Michael Yes Angela Cool music. Michael Uh... Angela Confetti. Michael I want it... Angela Go-Go dancers? Michael I want it to embarrass all other parties. I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web-cam and say, "Wow! How did they get Al Roker to come?" Angela I can't do this. Michael Yes you can. Angela I can't do it. Michael Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't hundred percent believe it. Who else could do this? Angels Okay. Okay. Michael No seriously. Is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time. I'll get the pizza! Andy What do you think of Angela? Dwight I think she's efficient. Andy No, not like that, as a woman. W-O-M-A-N. Dwight I hadn't noticed. Andy You hadn't noticed she's a woman? Dwight [impatient sigh] Andy I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right? Dwight I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with. Andy Isn't that part of the fun? Dwight No. I think you should date Kelly. Andy She works here too, how is that any different? Dwight Uh, she works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby. Andy [raised eyebrows] Okay. Michael Good news. Stanley We get to go home? Michael Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo? All [murmurs of approval] Kevin Wait! Alfredo's Pizza Cafe? Or Pizza by Alfredo? Michael Same thing. Kevin No, no. All [disagreeing with Michael] Michael You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time. Kevin Oscar, talk to him. Oscar Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from? Michael Pizza by Alfredo. All [shouts of disapproval] Michael Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? All Medium amount of good pizza. Michael [sighs, walks back into office] Kevin Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage. Phyllis You can pick one of these things. It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this. Angela It should take no time at all if you put the care into it that you normally do. Phyllis [Balls up post-its and throws them in Angela's face] Angela Ow! Phyllis That seemed to shut her up. Andy Are you looking for dinner and a movie? Because you're not going to find it in that box. [Camera pans to Kevin giving an "are you kidding me?" look] Andy Just so happens that I know where you can find it, but again, not in the box. Andy Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying? Angela What? Andy Hello. Angela I have been working on a party for three weeks that just got thrown out the window. So now I've got to pull together a whole new party, and my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the thing that's made of ice. And my upper back itches, and it's itched all day, and I can't reach it, and Kevin had Greek food for lunch again. Andy They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then, explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates. Michael Yup. Pam The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here. Michael You don't have to say it like that. Pam I said it normal. Michael Hey Pizza guy Hey. Sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael Right, I have a coupon, so half of sixty-three fifty, and half the tip of sixty-three fifty. Pizza guy The half off coupon only applies to orders of two pizzas. Michael Yeah, I told them on the phone that I was ordering eight pizzas. Pizza guy I don't care what you told them on the phone, that's our policy. Michael You didn't actually think I was going to spend sixty bucks on pizza? Oscar It's not pizza. Michael Okay, it doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's policy, it should say it on the coupon. Pizza guy [shrugs] Michael [sarcastic shrugging of shoulders] What do you mean hmm-um? Pizza guy Not my problem. Michael It is your problem. That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half-off. End of story. Pizza guy Great story. It's sixty-three fifty, and that's not including tip. Michael I'm not giving that to you. Pizza guy Well then you're not getting you're pizzas. Michael No, no you're not going anywhere. You're staying here until we figure this out. Pizza guy What? Michael You know what? This young man needs to learn that's not how you treat people. I don't care if it's pizza. Good business is about respect and accountability and follow through. You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room. Right now, get in the conference room. Pizza guy I'm not going in there. Michael Yes you are, yes you are, and you will come out when you decide to give me a discount on the pizza. Please, thank you. Pizza guy This is stupid. Michael No, you don't even know what stupid is. It's about to get all stupid up in here. Stanley You find anything? Kevin We think it's a straight forward kidnapping. Oscar Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"? Stanley Why can't you guys do it? Oscar Because we're looking up jail time. Stanley Fine. Dwight I've seen this kid before. He's one the kids who sneaks on my farm and steals my hemp. Pizza guy Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed. Michael You ready to give me my discount now? Pizza guy No. Michael Okay, what have you been doing in here this whole time? Pizza guy What kind of business is this? Dwight We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world. Michael Alright, Dwight, knock it off. You better think about what you are doing young man. Pizza guy You better think about what you're doing. Michael No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everyone else, because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay? Pizza guy Sales? Michael Yeah sales, you sell pizza. Last time I checked that's called sales. Pizza guy You're such a loser. Dwight What did you just call him? Pizza guy A loser. Dwight What did you say? Pizza guy A loser. Michael Alright stop, stop making him say it! You just made this worse, a whole lot worse. Dwight I can make him talk, Michael. All Michael, Michael Michael Stop talking all at once! Jim You need to let him go. Michael Let go of the little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson? Jim Yes. Michael You know what Jim, the world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions. Jim Yes, but not by kidnapping. Michael I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want. Jim As a hostage. Michael I think you're over-thinking it. Jim I think you're under-thinking it. Michael Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager then? Okay, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get a discount on the eight pizzas I ordered. Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas for our... Jim Ransom. Michael Trouble. Okay, alright. Jim What did he say? Michael He said no. Jim So, we should let him go. Michael No, no. Jim Okay. Dwight Listen up kid. [pops balloon with his hands] I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights. Angela I have to hang these. Pizza guy Why are you looking at her like that? Dwight Hey! Kevin What's going on? Jim Michael just called the pizza place with a list of demands. Michael Mister Overdramatic, what's up Kevin? Kevin We're getting hungry out there. We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat. We would like to order some good pizza, from Alfredo's Pizza Cafe, while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end. Angela I needed another hour, it could have been done in another hour. Meredith I think it looks good. Angela That's why you're not in charge Meredith. Andy Here you are my dear, one thing made of ice. Angela How did you, um, where did you... Dwight It's just ice, it'll melt all over the floor. Angela Will you help me put it over there? Andy Yes I will. Angela Okay. Andy Excuse me. Andy I stole it! Oscar Thank God. Pam Michael, Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes. You just have to wave and introduce yourself. Michael I'll just wave and introduce myself. Jim Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof? Pam I'm all over it. Jim Okay. Jim What have we got here? Kevin Good pizza. Jim Yeah, cheese, or do we have other flavors? Kevin Different stuff. Jim Which one's this? Perfect. Jim Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk? Pam Yeah, enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate Dwight. Jim And that's when I knew. You? Pam You came up to my desk, and said, this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired. Jim That was the moment that you knew you liked me? Pam Yep. Jim Wow, can we make it a different moment? Pam Nope. Manager Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start. Ryan And now from my old hometown, Scranton Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott. Michael Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that [bleep]hole. Ryan Always a jokester. How about that image? Crystal clear. Pizza guy If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will. I'm a minor. Angela Ow! What are you doing? Andy You said your upper back itched. Angela I didn't ask you to scratch it. Andy Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and up until and possibly now I've repulsed you, but I like you. Angela I'm not dating you. Andy So, Angela is stubborn as a mule, she's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested. Dwight [smiles] Andy But do I like her or not, because if I like her, then I can't back down. Dwight [kicks open bathroom door] If you're going number one you've got ten more seconds! Michael Hey, have you seen Jim? Kevin I guess he wanted to get out of here before the cops find out. Dwight Ahh-chaa! Michael Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Dwight I'm just scaring him. The trick is to make him think you're going to do something to him. Pizza guy I can hear you, man. Dwight Shut up, or I'm going to punch you in the throat! Michael Hey, hey, hey stop it. Stop it now, God. Oh my God, oh my God, no, no, no. I kidnapped a kid. Dwight You had to, what other choice did you have? Michael I could have paid for the pizza. Dwight Well, yeah. Michael Oh my God, oh my God. Michael This is Michael. Ryan Hello Michael, this is Ryan, first off thanks for the shout out. Michael You're breaking up. I can't hear you. Ryan Why is there a kid on your webcam saying that he's being held against his... [Michael hangs up on Ryan] Michael [to Dwight] Mmm-kay. I want you to go in there, and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip, no more than ten percent. Dwight What will you do? Michael I will open the door. Dwight Yeah. Michael And hopefully he will walk out, and the rest is out of our hands. Dwight So, I'm paying full price? Michael Yes. Dwight Here we go, sixty-five. You know what? There's two more. Michael See ya, drive safely. Michael [pizza guy flips him off] Okay. Dwight Now what? Michael Now we wait, and hopefully nothing happens. Dwight Alright. Oh, I assume I'm going to be reimbursed for the pizzas. Michael Not now Dwight, please, it's not the time. Jim A toast, better make it good. To avoiding a class two felony charge. Pam Ah-ha. Andy [answers two ringing phones] Hello, hey hang on a second. Hello, hang on. Andy [Andy plus two voices on the phone singing] If you change your mind, I'll be first in line. Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around. If you got no place to go, if you're feeling down. If your all alone when the pretty birds have flown, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and that ain't no lie, if you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me, that's all I ask of you Angela. Take a chance on me. Voice #1 on phone Hey how'd it go? Voice #2 on phone Yeah, what'd she say? Andy I don't know yet, I have to call you back. Voice #1 on phone You have to give us something... Andy I'll call you back. Angela I have to go clean up after the party. Michael What a horrible day. Dwight Blah. Michael Bluh. Dwight Uhh. Michael Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth. I'd really like some sushi. I was hoping that I would have New York style sushi today. And you know what? Dwight What? Michael I'm going to get it. Dwight Coopers has calamari. Michael Uh-uh, no, there is only one place where they authentic New York style sushi. Dwight Tokyo? Michael New York. Wanna go? Dwight Yes. Michael Alright, you drive. Dwight Okay. Dwight Nice. Michael Here we go. Dwight Woo-hoo. Michael Mmm. Dwight Yum. Bartender I'm sorry, you guys are going to have to leave. Michael Hey, you know what? [Michael and Dwight grab plates of sushi] Come on, come on, let's go. Man Hey, you're the Scranton guy. Michael Guilty. Man I liked your statement tonight. Michael Oh, thanks. This is the guy that beat the computer. Man Oh, very cool. It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that. Michael Yeah. Man See you later. Dwight Later on. Michael [mocking Ryan] I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would, because it didn't work out for me, and I'm very embarrassed. I got egg all over my face. Dwight And I spent so much time in Scranton and I never sold any paper. Michael I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot. Dwight I started a fire with my cheese pita. Michael I made it with my cheese pita. Dwight I date Indian girls. Michael I started a fire, I started a fire. Dwight Now I've got a beard, and I can do whatever I want, and I'm your boss. Michael And I'm hot, I'm so hot. That's why everybody... Dwight I don't get that, I don't understand that. Michael Well, it's part of it, it's just the... uhhh. Michael Wanna head back? Dwight Yeah, let's go. Ryan [steps in front of camera, adjusts jacket, poses, winks] Dwight [Dwight come into office unshaven] What? Jim Well it's just that you had no hair on Friday. Dwight It's called being a man. You should try it sometime. Jim How long have you been a man? Dwight I was born a man, Halpert. Jim That must have been extremely uncomfortable for your mom. Dwight I stopped shaving because my girlfriend broke up with me. Am I in pain? Hell, yeah. But I'll tell you something, I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No. It is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure. Almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain. Andy [to Dwight] What do you think of Angela? There's just something about her. All that strength and steeliness and righteousness all wrapped up tight and shoved into a tiny little delicate frame. Andy No. I will not be playing it "cool" [makes air quotes] with Angela. Let me tell you a little story. When I was seventeen, I was waitlisted at my number one school. Even though I was a legacy, and I had like a thousand extra-curriculars, mostly drama, madrigals, barbershop club, I was waitlisted. Did I wait, on that list? No, I did not. I busted into the admissions office and I [singing] sang them all the reasons they should admit me to the school [end singing]. And guess what? I. Got. In. And here's the kicker. That school? Cornell. Michael What's wrong with me? Pam Excuse me? Michael I want you to look at me and tell me what is wrong with me. [Pam stares and nods] Don't avoid this. I know you're dying to say it, so just say it. Pam Sometimes your laziness borders on incompetence. Michael What, no. No. Okay, bags. I have bags under my eyes, Pam. I didn't see it at home, I didn't see it in the bathroom, I didn't see it on any of the city mirrors, but in this light... Pam [interrupting] The city mirrors, or the...? Michael The big, free mirrors that the city puts up, on trees and telephone poles? The big round things. Pam The ones for drivers to check their blind spots? Michael Yes. I have bags under my eyes, and I can't go to New York like this! What do I do? What do I do? Pam Put cold tea bags on your eyes. Michael Really? Pam Yeah. Michael That's it? Pam Mmhmm. Michael All right! Martha Stewart! You can be Martha Stewart's receptionist! Very good! I will be tea baggin' it. Nn... no. Michael [tea bags on eyes] Do I feel badly, that nobody out there was invited to a party that I was invited to? Not at all. Because they have to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, someday, they could be invited to a party like this. Of course, at that point, I will be going to much better parties that they will not be able to get into. What are you gonna do? Kevin I'm a little mad, that I don't get to go to the party in New York. But that's mostly just because we get reimbursed for gas mileage. Oscar I was going to be in New York tonight, to go to the Met, but I had to cancel. Because Angela's party is mandatory. Creed I go to New York all the time, to visit my buddy Frank. He's a mole person. Meredith Angela, what kind of music? Angela Uh... something cool that Ryan doesn't know about yet. Meredith How am I supposed to know what that is? Angela I don't know, but standing here's not going to give you the answer. Go. Angela Tonight my party will be broadcast out to five other states. Which means, it will be compared to Denise Stimm's party in Buffalo. Any idiot can defrost a microwavable hors d'oeuvres platter. And Denise proves that with every party she throws. Oh, and Denise? Stop telling people your hair's naturally curly. We all know you get perms. Kevin Kidnapping is the asportation of a person against the person's will, so Michael asported him. [giggles] Have you ever been aspor... Oscar Don't. Dwight Hey. The way I see it, it's getting late, and the only thing standing between you and a warm bed is my friend's pizza discount. So whattaya say? [pizza guy stares] Oh, so that's how it's gonna be. Well, I can stay here all night if I have to. I've done it before. Pizza guy I'm not scared of you. Kevin In every good hostage movie, during the part where it gets really tense, and you don't know whether the bad guys are going to let the hostages go free, the cops order pizza. Toby The lady cop acted like she'd never pulled someone over for driving too slow. And I tried to get out of it with the famous Toby Flenderson 10,000 watt smile. [smiles] It didn't work. Toby Damn it. Kelly Is that traffic school? Toby Yeah. Kelly Because we're not supposed to be doing personal stuff at work. Toby Yeah. Kelly Because yesterday when I was taking an online quiz about trying to find my ideal weight for my frame, you said that was inappropriate. Toby I remember. Kelly Just reiterating what you said to me. Toby Thanks Kelly. Oscar You know the octagon sign means stop. Toby Colorblind. Oscar An octagon is a shape. You can see shapes, can't you? Toby It's out of context. It's not the same as driving.