Jim [to Pam] Hey. Jim [Dwight hands Jim a piece of paper] Oh, what's this? Dwight That is a demerit. Jim [reads demerit] "Jim Halpert, tardiness." Ugh. I love it already. Dwight You've gotta learn, Jim. You are second in command, but that does not put you above the law. Jim Oh, I understand. And I also have lots of questions, like, what does a demerit mean? Dwight [scoffs] Let's put it this way. You do not want to receive three of those. Jim Lay it on me. Dwight Three demerits and you'll receive a citation. Jim Now that sounds serious. Dwight Oh, it is serious. Five citations and you're looking at a violation. Four of those and you'll receive a verbal warning. Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning. Two of those, that'll land you in a world of hurt... in the form of a disciplinary review written up by me and placed on the desk of my immediate superior. Jim Which would be me. Dwight That is correct. Jim OK, I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full disadulation. Dwight What's a dis... what's that? Jim Oh, you don't want to know. Pam [door opens] Hey, Phyllis. You all right? Phyllis I think I just got flashed. Pam What? Really? Phyllis In the parking lot. Pam Oh, my God. Dwight [jumps out of his chair and runs for the door] Move! Jim OK, I'll call the real police. Andy What happened? What can I do to help? Jim [on the phone] OK. Andy I'll check the web. Jim [on the phone] Thank you. [hangs up the phone] The police are on it. They say they've already had three calls. Pam [to Phyllis] Can you tell us what happened? Phyllis Um... I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions. And he was holding a map. And when I walked over, he had it out... on the map. Angela Phyllis. You're a married woman. Creed The guy was just hanging brain. I mean, what's all the fuss? Creed If that's flashing, then lock me up. Pam [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy. Ryan [whispering] Yeah. [Pam and Ryan whispering] Michael What's happening? Pam Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot. Michael Really? Is she OK? Pam Yeah, Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down. Michael OK. [deep breath] Phyllis, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher] Angela What is so funny? Michael Um... I mean did he even see Pam? Or, uh... Karen from behind? Kevin I'm guessing not. Michael [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it. Jim Mm... not really, no. Pam It's disgusting and demeaning. Michael Oh, OK. Masters of comedy. A guy dropped his pants. Have you ever been to the circus? [everyone glares] OK. [Michael puts his finger through his pant's zipper] He's back! [laughs] OK. Hmm. [babbling with his coat pulled closed] Waagh! [flashes everyone] Toby Hey, what's going on? There's a police car in the... Michael What? Oh. [makes descending scale noise as his finger goes down] Toby What's going on? Michael Oh, Phyllis got flashed. It's, uh... [laughs] Toby I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response. Michael Oh, come on. We are laughing at Phyllis, but she's not even here, so no harm, no foul. Toby I don't think the women in this office - Michael Incidentally, where were you during all of this? Maybe you're the flasher. Toby I was at a parent-teacher conference. Michael Uh-huh. Prove it. Let's see your penis. [everyone is shocked] [exhales]I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong. Michael In all the excitement, I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe. Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe. For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far. Foliage. And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop. Although last time... she pretended she didn't hear me. Jan [on speakerphone] Michael, ... Michael Huh? Jan ...come over after work tonight, OK? I miss your body. Michael I don't know. I feel... I drive a lot. I'm spending a fortune on gas and tolls - Jan I'll give you $200. And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser. Michael Um, that... I don't know. That makes me kind of uncomfortable. Jan $300? Michael I... uh, well, I don't know. Jan You know whatever. Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka, OK? Hunter, are you on? Hunter [on speakerphone] You got it, Jan. Dwight Employees of this office are very small and delicate. Deserve protection from local pervs. Better 1,000 innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free. Michael [exhales] I am sick over this thing. Those people out there are clearly afraid. And that can't happen. Not in my house. Dwight Agreed. Let me show you what I've been working on. Michael OK. Dwight [lays a folder full of pictures on Michael's desk] There are several penises there I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over. You know, see if we can catch this pervert. Michael This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight. Dwight Look at that one. Michael Dwight, are those your pants? That's a Polaroid. [Dwight takes the Polaroid and crumples it in his hand] Michael Attention, everybody. Dwight has something he would like to say. Dwight Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to - Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force. Jim [raises hand] Question. Won't that interfere with your other task forces? Dwight Answer: No, because this is being given priority one. This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot. And I know... I know what you're thinking. [Pam nods] Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam. You can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community? Pam Phallus? Dwight Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain. Back to work, everybody. Pam I don't often miss Roy. But I can tell you one thing. I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy. Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year. [small laugh] Especially if it had been Jim. He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's... Whoo, I am... I am saying a lot of things. Phyllis I didn't really get a good look. Pam That's OK. I don't feel like answering phones. Karen Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out? [reads memo] "Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Females are not allowed to speak to strangers unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute." This is ridiculous. Dwight Attention. I am removing all bananas from the kitchen. Karen Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting. Dwight Desperate times call for desperate measures. Pam [reads memo] "Sleeves down to the wrists, buttoned-up collars, and muted colors." Nobody dress like that. [camera pans over to Angela] Michael OK, you know something, Dwight? We are not the terrorists. Why don't you just take these women, put 'em in a burlap sack, and hit 'em with a stick? Because that's what you're doing. I celebrate these women. They deserve the right to dress as they please. If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to. I encourage that. Karen Look, it's really simple. We just want you guys to treat us with respect. Michael See? That's what we're talking about. Did you hear that, Dwight? Dwight Yes. Did you hear that, Michael? Michael No, Dwight. Respect. R-E-S-P-svee-T. Find out what it means to me. All right, you know what? That's it. Conference room, five minutes. Women's appreciation. Jim Wait a second, how are you qualified for that? Michael Oh, I don't know, James. Did I come from a woman? Have I slept with a woman? More than one? Dwight [eating banana] Mm, less than three. Michael That is not current. Dwight You know what? Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting? He's a homosexual. Jim Why don't you run the meeting? You play with dolls. Dwight Those are collectible action figures and they're worth more than your car. Michael You know what? I am the expert. I will conduct it. I know the crap out of women. Michael I, um... would like to apologize for all of the men who thought this was a laughing matter. Creed Are we still discussing this? I say again, what is the big deal? Michael Nobody likes to be flashed. When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party, I nearly vomited. Meredith I don't remember doing that. Angela What a surprise. Michael OK, no catfights. Please. Let's - my point is... my point is... a penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie. Dwight Alien. Blagh! Michael What are...? Shut it. Shut. Up. OK, so what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations. Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses. Well, look around. Are women like that? No. No, they are not. [points to Pam] Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny. So what does that say? That says that you women are up against it. And it is criminal. Society doesn't care. Society sucks. I don't even consider myself a part of society. FYI. Because I am so angry over all of this. Andy If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models. Kevin Yes, Andy. Then the fashion models could come here and work with me. Karen What you're saying is extremely misogynistic. Michael Yes. Thank you. That was not necessary, but I appreciated it. And I proves my point. Women can do anything. Karen I'm saying that you're being sexist. Michael No. I'm being misogynistic. That is insane. I am not being sexist. Karen That - it's the same thing. Phyllis Michael. Michael Yes. Phyllis When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian. Michael Because wha... that was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut. Angela And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods. Michael I have to know whether you're serious or not. Dwight I wish I could menstruate. Dwight If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides. Karen Can we just get back to work? Michael Ye - OK, yes. Angela This is not work talk. Michael You're right. You're right, you're right. And you know why? It's because of where we are. This is a masculine environment. We need to find a place where you feel comfortable. You know where we're gonna go? The Steamtown Mall. [Kelly gasps] Karen Frankly, it's kind of insulting. But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car. So... I could do that. Angela Malls are just awful and humiliating. They're just store after store of these horrible salespeople making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior's section. There are petite adults who are sort of... smaller who need to wear... maybe a kids' size 10. Michael OK, let's go, ladies of Dunder-Mifflin. Hey, we should have a calendar printed up. Pam, put that in my good idea folder. [Pam nods] Let's go! Dwight Have you finished with the sketch? Pam Yeah. Dwight Hmm, doesn't seem like the type. Pam Uh, Phyllis got a good look. Dwight Hmm. Dwight [Pam's sketch looks like Dwight with a mustache, but without his glasses] I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere. You can run, but you cannot hide. Pam [tires screeching] Oh. Angela Meredith, slow down! We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead. Meredith Thanks. I know how to drive. [dumps the crumbs from a bag of chips she was eating into her mouth and throws it out the window] Pam Oh, yeah. You really shouldn't litter. Meredith My car, my rules. Kevin Hey, Jim. You wanna go in the women's bathroom? Jim No. Thank you, though. Kevin You aren't curious? Jim Not really. I've seen a bathroom before. Kevin Yeah, but... it's every guy's fantasy. Jim I think you mean a girl's locker room. And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it. Kevin [quietly] Yeah. I'm going in. Jim Go crazy. Kevin [in women's bathroom] Oh... my... God. Andy I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today. Dwight Of course you do, moon face. That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you. So start hanging these all around the building. Andy This guy looks like a real deviant. Dwight No, duh. That's why we gotta catch him. Start hanging those. Andy Aye, aye, Cap'n. Dwight More like, "Aye, aye, General." Michael [Meredith parking the car] I don't think she's gonna make it. Don't think she's gonna make it - [metal scraping] Meredith It's a little too tight. I'm gonna find another spot. Michael Many women are competent drivers. [scraping] OK. Come on. Dwight [marks Scranton with a red pushpin on a map of Pennsylvania and exhales] This is what we know. Jim [in women's bathroom] Well, I stand corrected. This is pretty cool. Kevin Yes. Toby Hey, uh... where'd you decide to take Karen tonight? Jim Anna Maria's. Ryan What's the occasion? Jim Six-month anniversary. What? Ryan Nothing - I think, uh, we all kinda thought you guys were just, like, hooking up. Jim No, we've been dating for six months. Ryan Uh, she might mention an email that I wrote a while back, um - Jim Oh, right. I remember that one. She read it to me. She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend. Ryan I figured. It's cool. I don't - I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship anyway. Michael All right. Hope nobody's on a diet. Kelly Thanks, Michael. Angela Thank you, Michael. Michael You're welcome. You're welcome, you're welcome. OK. So, let's dish. Pam What do you want to dish about? Michael Anything you guys want. This is your time. [everyone is silent or continues to eat, Michael exhales] Mm. What is a Pap smear? Or is it "shmear?" Like the cream cheese. Pam OK. New topic. Kelly, how are things with Ryan? Kelly Awesome. Um, awful, I mean. But, uh, sometimes awesome. Michael What, um... what do you think of role-play? Phyllis Oh, it can be fun. Michael Yeah? Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy. Karen It's a pretty common one. Michael I just... I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress. Angela OK. I'm gonna be at the doll store. Angela Sometimes, the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy. So I'm forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. Pam Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with. Michael Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing. I don't know. Maybe we're different people. I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex. Pam Oh, my God. Michael [groans] And then watching it back right afterward to improve my form. Karen That is not healthy behavior. Michael No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it. Pam Michael, you need to get out of this. Michael No, she's... she's fooling around. It's a woman thing. Pam No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad. [Karen nods and Michael looks like he's about to start crying] Michael No... No, it's all right. I'm OK. I'm OK. [sniffing] You guys... what are we gonna do about Jan? [sighs] Pam Read the pros first. Michael OK. Jan is smart. Uh, successful. Good clothes. Hot. Perfect skin. Nice butt. Phyllis She does have very nice clothes. Karen OK, OK. Um, cons. Michael Cons. Wears too much makeup. Breasts: Michael Wow, I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories. Pam No one said it has no calories. Michael Oh, hey, guys. I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier. I want you to go in there. I want you to buy one item on me as a thank-you. [Kelly sprints inside Victoria's Secret] Come on. Get in here. Michael Let's face it, most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're caveman. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing 8-inch heels, and to be wearing, um, see-through underpants. But... for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked. Kevin [in women's bathroom] This is so great, huh? We should do this much more often. Toby I-I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time. Creed What are you doing in here? This is the women's room. Kevin You're in here. Creed I pay for that privilege. [goes into stall] Kevin [all get up to leave] OK. Creed [wearing headphones and speaking loudly] I'm a pretty normal guy. I do one weird thing. I like to go in the women's room for number two. I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly. Michael Mm. You don't want anything? My treat. Some panties or... pick a thong or... G-string. T-back. Get a nice bra. Padded bra. See-through, push-up, lace? Thigh-high? Bustier? Any - it just - you know what, I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear. Karen Phyllis. What do you think? Too much? Phyllis Jim's gonna love it. [Karen giggles] Pam I'm kind of in-between boyfriends right now. So I don't need anything sexy. But I do need some new hand towels. I figure I can cut up this robe. Angela [in the car] Slower. Slower. Meredith. [Michael's cell phone ringing My Humps] Slow it up. Michael Oh. Oh, no. [inhales sharply] It's Jan. What do I do? Karen Answer it. Pam Don't answer it. Michael OK, it stopped. Kelly [bang] Whoa. Meredith [tires screeching] Crap. Jim [snickers at Pam's sketch] That is pretty cool. Kelly Michael, you know how to, um -change a wheel, right? Michael Uh, yeah. Yep. Um... Could somebody grab me the lever, and I will... Pam Here, uh... Meredith? Why don't you put your hazards on. Michael Yeah, get your hazards on for safety. Let's see. [takes off his coat and tosses it aside] There we go! [Pam brings over the jack and lug wrench] Good. Yes, we have the... all right. [tries the use the jack to loosen the lug nuts] Pam I think I've got it. Michael Do you have a... a crescent? A crescent Allan? Pam I don't think we really need that, Michael. Michael Uh... you know what? I'm going to... you take care of that. I'm gonna do traffic... detail. Pam You know, I changed a tire today. All by myself. This bathrobe's already coming in handy. [Meredith honking] Coming! Andy Think we'll find him? Dwight Yeah, I do. 'Cause justice never rests. Andy [pulls a candy bar from his coat pocket] Halvsies? Dwight No. Wholesies. [snatches the candy bar] Andy Listen, man, I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today. I feel like I learned a lot. Dwight Natch. [bites off a lot of candy bar] Andy Yep. If you don't mind, I think I'll hang some of these posters around my neighborhood. Schools, post office, et cetera. Dwight You know, I may have underestimated you. You're not a total ass. [coughs] Michael OK, I am really going to do this. Pam Good luck, Michael. Michael You know what? I need my girls with me. Pam, Karen, even Phyllis. Come on. Let's do this. Let's do it. [sighs] Karen OK, remember, be strong. Michael I love you guys. Now I'm getting her voicemail. Pam Don't leave a - Michael [leaving a message] Hey, Jan. It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I-I wanna remain friends. Or at least business associates who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. [Jan walks in] OK, buddy. Somebody just walked in. I have to go. Um, so I'll talk to you later. Jan Michael... [clears throat] I was, um... I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier. And I... I just - I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person. So... [takes Michael's hand] I'm sorry. Michael Thank you. Jan So... we're good? Michael Abso-fruit-ly. Jan [cell phone vibrates] Oh. Hold on, I'm sorry. Michael No... No... Jan One second. Oh! It's from you. Uh, you wanna grab some dinner? Michael Yeah. Jan OK. [voice on phone] "It's me, Michael. I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break, permanently. And, uh, I know everybody says this, but I want..." Michael Maybe some Italian. [voice on phone] "... to remain friends. Or at least business associates -" [Jan takes the phone away from her ear] Chinese? [voice on phone] "who get along. Oh, just so you know, it's not me, it's you. OK, buddy." Jan Oh. [door closes] Michael [sighs] Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis, a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela, a heart, and for Kelly, a brain. "Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all. Dwight [phone rings] Dunder-Mifflin paper/sex predator hotline, this is Dwight Schrute. Jim Hey, Dwight. It's Jim. Dwight Jim, what are you doing? I'm busy. Jim No, you're not. I'm looking right at you. Dwight Ugh. I'm hanging up. Jim Don't. [quietly] I have information about the sex predator. Dwight You have information about the sex predator? Jim I saw him two minutes ago. Dwight Where? Jim In the women's bathroom, above the sink. Dwight [hangs up and runs to the women's bathroom] Anti-flashing task force! Above the sink. Above the sink. Hmm. [sees himself in the mirror with two black marks on the mirror making a mustache, removes his glasses and figures it out] PAM! Jan So how are you liking the Wall Street Journal subscription? Michael Love it. Jan Are you reading it everyday, like we decided you would? Michael Uh, yes, I am. Jan Good, good, it's the best business reporting isn't it? Michael Uh, yeah, it's okay. Its just, I don't think the cartoons are very funny. Jan Wait, wait, what cartoons? Michael The a cartoon that goes with each article. This one says Mel Karmazin? I don't, I don't know. I guess I get it. Jan [Sigh] Michael We should really start recycling. Jan Right uh, Michael. Kelly Hey, what's going on? Stanley Phyllis got flashed in the parking lot. Kelly [Screams] Stanley Okay, you need to stop that right now. Bob Phyllis, you okay? You sure? Andy Hey good lookin', what ya got cookin'? Dwight I got nothing cooking, it's cooked. It's borscht and its served cold. Andy Hey listen, I'm sure everyone's already told you but, your presentation out there, was pretty inspiring stuff. Must be nice being a woman around here, knowing they have a protector in you. Dwight If you are trying to kiss my ass, I would not suggest it. Believe me, you do not want to kiss this ass. Andy Borscht, according to Dwight it's best served cold. You know what else is best served cold? Yeah, gazpacho. You see what I'm doing? I am establishing a mutual love of cold soups. This is the first step in my plan to win Dwight's trust. Andy I should make you my vichyssoise. Dwight I will never be your vichyssoise. Michael Orgasms, why can women have them? Yep? Jim No. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think this is the place to do this. Michael Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand. Kelly [sings] We're going to the mall. Bye Ryan, bye. Dwight Lets go, fall out, let's go. Move, move, move, move, move. Michael I got shotgun. Damn it. Andy Let me be clear. There's only one thing that's important to me, and its not friendship. Its dominance, and I think I know a thing or two about dominating. Okay, I lived with a dominatrix for three years in Stamford. Mistress Lila. Taught me more than any college professor I ever had, while attending Cornell, which is where I went to school. Michael Look at that! Come on! Free underwear! Pam It is totally inappropriate, but on the other hand... Michael Hey, Pam, how bout something like that for you. Could sort of cover up any imperfections in the mid section. Just show off the twins a little bit. Jim That's pretty cool. Andy You can make people believe anything. Today I made Dwight believe I like cold soups. Why? I don't know. I don't have to know. That's what makes me so dangerous. Michael Idiot. Michael I learned a lot about women today. And any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. Jan and I broke up. Why? Because she didn't like one message I left on her voicemail? But that is her peariagative. I thought I understood women, but maybe, can't believe I'm gonna say this, maybe, women don't understand themselves.