Michael Jim, could you come in here please? Harvey Hi, Jim. Jim Hello. Harvey I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks. Michael Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him. Jim Yeah, you can. Michael You know what? Get Pam. Jim For this? Michael Pam. Harvey Pam, you look very hot today. Jim Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend. Pam Great. Harvey Me so horny. Me love you long tim. Michael Oh, that is gross. Pam Who is 'Long Tim'? Michael Damn it. Harvey Long time. Me lobe yoy long time. Jim Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he? Pam I would love to meet Long Tim. Jim Yeah. Right? Pam Yeah. Harvey You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive. Jim Ok. Pam Ok. Bye Harvey. Harvey Boobs. Kevin Angela. Angela What? Kevin That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them? Angela They arrived this morning. Kevin Are you sure? It is a big deal. Angela Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin? Kevin ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal. Andy Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river. Angela Everything ok? [Takes candy from Pam's desk] Dwight Everything is fine. You are in the clear. Angela Thank you. [Puts candy back] I... I don't want those. Michael Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you. Andy Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael? Michael Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first. Andy Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott. Michael Oh. Andy Ph. D. Doctor of Sales. Michael Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. Andy Well, it is very gracious of you to accept. Michael Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior. Phyllis We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen. Karen Oh, uh, thanks. Michael Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley. Stanley Pass. Michael You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody. Stanley ... I'll take the kid. Ryan I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass." Michael So that just leaves Dwight and Jim. Dwight Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade? Jim Yup. I'll trade. Jim Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot. Andy Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage. Michael Dwight? Dwight Yup? Michael Here ya go. [throws laundry] Dwight Yeah! You want shirts on hangers? Michael Please. Andy He does your laundry? Michael Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." [To Ryan and Stanley] And you guys are the retired marines. [To Phyllis and Karen] And you guys are the mother and daughter. [To Dwight and Jim] And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go? Karen Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins? Michael No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. Ryan Is there a prize? Michael Just bragging rights. Phyllis Then how is this "Amazing Race"? Michael It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it. Dwight Come on!! Phyllis Michael. [Michael throws Phyllis' keys under the car.] Michael Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos! Andy Bueno. Phyllis Do you have a pole? Karen Let's go get a broom. Jim Seriously? You're going to sit in the back? Dwight Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first. Michael Here we go. Andy In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down. Andy What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? Michael Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. Andy Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder. Angela Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee? Pam Really? Angela Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun. Pam Ok. Sure. Angela Ok. Karen Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon? Phyllis Um-hmmm. Ryan Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after? Stanley You want the lead? Ryan Yeah, if you don't mind. Stanley Mind? Nothing would delight me more. Dwight Leave the keys. Jim You still do that thing? Dwight Leave the keys! Andy I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know? Michael Hawkman. Andy My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons. Michael [Walks out of the Ladies' Restroom] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting. Jim After you sir. Dwight No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. Jim Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front. Dwight Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... [Jim slaps Dwight] Pam Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time. Angela This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot. Pam That's great. Angela Yes, it is. [Walks up to the counter where there is no employee] Hello? Michael Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack? Buyer Yep. Michael You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. Andy Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once. Michael You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency. Andy Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York. Buyer Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past. Michael I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. Andy Oh, man, that is, like, poetry. Michael No. Andy I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. Michael Stop it. [Puts his hand on Andy's shoulder] Stop it. Andy Ow. Andy Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper? Michael Yes. Andy I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up. Michael Ah, no. Don't worry about it. Andy I really 'Schruted' it. Michael What? Andy 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? Michael I don't know. Who knows how words are formed. Phyllis It's a big order. Thanks Kenny. Karen Yeah, thank you. Phyllis Hey, how's Annie? Kenny Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda? Julius Stanley Hudson. Stanley Ah, Julius, how's it goin'? Julius Great, great, great. Guy Stanley. Stanley So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard. Ryan Hi. Stanley I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan? Ryan Um... [To the Buyers] Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Julius Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us? Ryan Oh... Jim We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser. Man 'Kay. 'Kay. Dwight Can I use your phone? Man Yeah, sure, go ahead. Dwight Thanks. Jim Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked. Dwight [On Phone] One... Jim We have discount prices on ink cartridges... Dwight Three... Jim And, also, any forms that you are going to need... Dwight Seven... Jim We can custom make them. Stanley Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old! Man We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys. Dwight Sure. Jim Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service? Man It's very. Phone Please keep holding, your call is very important to us. Dwight Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time. Jim [Dials cell Phone] And this is Dunder-Mifflin. Kelly Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. Jim Hey, Kelly, it's Jim. Kelly Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Jim hangs up] Dwight Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays. Man All right, I get it. We got a deal. Jim Thanks. Karen Thanks. That was fun. Phyllis Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person. Karen Thank you. Phyllis I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her. Karen That's nice. Phyllis You can pay me back later for the makeover. Andy Hey boss. Got a minute? Michael Yes, Andy. Andy I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning? Michael He didn't say. Andy That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something? Michael No, you are remembering it wrong. Michael Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three. Dwight I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent. Jim Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence. Dwight My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys. Jim We should go on a double date. Dwight No thank you. Jan Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc." Michael I knew it. [Dwight and Jim walk in] Andy Oh, doggie. Karen Hey, do you want to grab a coffee? Jim Sure. Look at you! Karen Yeah. Dwight Hey, we nailed the sale! Michael Where were you this morning? Dwight I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow. Michael Why do you lie, liar? Dwight I am not a liar. Michael You are lying right now. Andy It sure seems like he is lying. Dwight Stay out of this, you! Michael I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing. Dwight Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company. Michael Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard. Dwight That's what she said. Michael Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. Dwight It's going to be ok. Angela How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business. Dwight That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan. Angela I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world. Dwight Well, I don't have a lot of choices. Karen So, let me ask you a question. Jim Ok. Karen Did you ever have a thing for Pam? Jim Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something? Karen I moved here from Connecticut... Jim Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay? Karen 'Kay. Dwight Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... . Andy Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp. Dwight I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this. Michael Good luck. Ryan Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed. Angela Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. Dwight One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered. Jim Hey man. [Dwight hugs Jim and leaves] Karen What happened on your sales call? Andy Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... [camera had focused in on Angela watching] Hello? Pretty good.