Kelly Here you go. Michael Nice dress, Ryan. Kelly It's not a dress. It's a kurta. Michael [laughing] OK. Michael Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. What is Diwali, you may ask? Well, to have Kelly explain it [girly voice] it's ada blah blah blah, it's so super fun and it's going to be great. [normal voice] Lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that is essentially a Hindu Halloween. Kelly You look so handsome. Pam Really you do. I love the material. Kelly I know. Michael How come you didn't get me one? Kelly I... Phyllis Ok, so, between Meredith's Mini-van and if I borrow Bob's Yukon that should fit about twelve people. Pam I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired. Meredith Do you want to make Appletini's and watch 'Sex and the City' at my place? Pam Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Kelly I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends. Pam I just feel kind of tired, you know. Dwight Maybe you've got mono. Pam Maybe. I just ...I don't really have anyone to go with. Kelly Well, go with Dwight. He's single, too. Right? Dwight Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available. Kevin Are you guys going to this Indian thing tonight? Roy I don't know. Who's... uh, who's going? Kevin Oooh. Do you mean like, is Pam going? Angela Don't go. They eat monkey brains. Michael Hey. Hey. Stop that. That is offensive. Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up... because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional. Michael It's important that this company celebrates its diversity. And you know what, Stanley? Come Kwanzaa time, I have got you covered, baby. Stanley I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. Michael Wha? Really? You should! It's fun. Michael I love the people here. And if there was one thing I di... don't really care for is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carol. Michael Diwali is a very important holiday for the Hindus. But, frankly, I'm a little appalled that none of you know very much about Indian culture. So, without further ado, Kelly you are on. Kelly Um... Diwali is awesome... and there's food... and there's going to be dancing... and... Oh! I got the raddest outfit. It has, um... Michael Kelly? Kelly Sparkles... Michael Um... why don't you tell us a little bit about the origins of the holiday. Kelly Oh, um... I don't know. It's really old, I think. Angela How many gods do you have? Kelly Like hundreds, I think. Maybe more than that. Angela [points at picture on the wall] And that blue busty gal? What's her story? Kevin She looks like Pam from the neck down. Dwight Pam wishes. [generalized laughing] Kelly, I'll take this one. Diwali is a Celebration of the Coronation of the God-King Rama. After his epic battle with Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil... Michael All right, all right, all right, all right. This isn't 'Lord of the Rings'. Jim Sorry. Jim I started biking into work. Josh does it and he lives a lot farther away than I do. And also it saves gas money, keeps me in shape... helps the environment. And now I know it makes me really sweaty for work. Karen Nice basket. Jim Thank you. Michael Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million and that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly, there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world. Here are some famous Indians. [slide show] Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar. He is a Nobel prize-winning physicist. Impressive. Apu from the Simpsons. Hilarious. Indian. M. Night Shyamalan. 'The Village', 'Unbreakable', 'Sixth Sense', 'Sig... ' Dwight I see dead people. Michael Okay. Spoiler... alert. Dwight He was dead the whole time. Michael Just stop it. [slide of Michael & Carol kissing] What's the... oh, whoa! [laughs] Where did that come from? Tony Karen, my chips got stuck in the vending machine again. I need your skinny, little arms. Karen Oh. Did you shake it? Tony Yeah, I shook it, I shook it. Andy We have such a roller coaster thing, Karen and I. Jim 'Scuse me? Andy Roller-coastery friendship. Hot. Cold. On again. Off again. Sexual tension filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane. Jim Wow. Andy From 'Cheers'. Jim Yup. Michael And another thing about the Indian people... they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who's seen that before? Creed I have. That's the 'Union of the Monkey'. Meredith Oh, that's what they call it. Kevin This is the best meeting we've ever had. Michael Thank you, Kevin. Angela I find this incredibly offensive. Michael Well, I find it beautiful. Angela Well, whatever Kelly wants to do in her own house is fine but we shouldn't all be subjected to it. Michael No... Toby Actually, she's right. This isn't appropriate. Why don't I take these. Michael No, You're not going to collect them. Toby Yes. Michael No. This is delightful, charming culture. Michael My Indian Culture Seminar was going great until Toby decided that he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images. It's just sex. People... everybody does it. I'm doing it... with Carol! Probably tonight. Josh All right. Think you guys should be all set. Oh, here's the corporate card for dinner. Karen Thanks. Josh And Karen? Let's keep it to twenty dollars a person this time. Karen Got it. Jim Once a quarter, the sales staff at this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation... which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds. Andy You guys ready to party? Jim What's that? Andy I said are you ready TO PARTY! Phyllis Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes? Angela I wish some of us still had our shoes on. Kevin Stop it. It's a disease! I've told you. Carol [wearing cheerleader costume] I thought you said this was a costume party! Michael [points at woman] What does that look like to you? Carol An Indian woman in a sari. Michael No one's even going to notice. Kevin Nice outfit. Michael Hey, Kevin. It's a costume. Why don't you just cool it, okay? Carol? Carol. Michael I'll have one of those as well. Thank you very much. Now these are limes, lemons, onions... Angela I'm a vegetarian. What can I eat? Server It's all vegetarian. Angela I'll just have some bread. You used your hands. Michael Oh, yuck. [spits out food] Carol What? Too spicy? Michael No. These s'mores are disgusting. Carol They're not s'mores. They're samosas. Michael Do you think they have any s'mores? Michael All they are is chocolate, graham cracker, and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been? Ryan So, you're Kelly's sisters, huh? Girls [laugh] Kelly Zach Braff [speaks in Hindi] Ryan What? Kelly Ruka, Nipa, Tiffany. Stop acting like such little losers and just be cool. Come on, Ryan. Come on. Leave him alone. I hate you guys. Ryan They said something about Zach Braff. Kelly Don't even listen to them. They're so... Ryan No, you don't... Pam Very official. Pam I decided to come. Uh... I feel a little under-dressed... but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean? Dwight Temp! Temp! Pflut! Pflut! Kelly I don't even want to hear it. Okay. I didn't come this Diwali to get yelled at! Kelly's Mom Stop it right now. Ryan is a temporary worker, makes no money. Wally is a whole doctor. So handsome. Kelly Uh... excuse me. I want to get a... Kelly's Mom He's a perfect match. Andy Hey, Big Tuna, you ready? Jim Yep. Andy One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim Oh, Holy Mother of God. Andy Oh, that burns! Golly. Um... Jim Good. Karen Ooh. Overhead [song by Beyonce Knowles] Looking so crazy, my baby. I'm not myself lately. I'm foolish. I don't do this. I've been playing myself. Baby I don't care. Cuz your love got the best of me. And baby you're making a fool of me. Michael Wow, thirty years? And you two only met once before the wedding night? Kelly's Father Yes. Michael Wow. Kelly's Father How long have you been married to the cheerleader? Michael Oh! She's not a cheerleader. She thought this was a costume party! Um... no, we're not married... yet! Kelly's Mom She is very fair. Michael She is. Very fair and very kind. So... um... tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die she has to throw herself on a fire? No? Okay. It's still very cool. Ok. Thanks! Andy One. Two. Three. Shot! Jim Oh. Carol Are you okay? Michael I'm going to be. [to DJ] Hi, I'm just going to get this for a sec... just a sec. [speaks in microphone] Um... everyone? I'm sorry, could I have your attention, please. Thank you. Ah-hah... Hi. Sorry. I just have an announcement to make. Um... okay. I have learned a lot about Indian culture tonight. But I have learned even more about love. And I know you're all thinking 'who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about?' Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love. So without further ado, Carol? Carol Stills. I would like you to do me the honor of making me your husband. Crowd Awww! Carol Oh, Michael. Michael What do you say? Carol Can we talk about this in private? Michael I didn't hear you. [laughs] Carol [louder] Can we talk about this in private? Michael [lowers microphone] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Okay. Michael No. I get it. I get it. You're not ready. We'll wait. This is a classic... Carol This is the ninth date, Michael. Michael Yeah, well, but I ... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but... Carol. Carol, I just... I feel like... I just like you so much. Carol I better go. Okay, you can find a way home, all right? Michael Yes. Carol Okay. Michael Ok. Okay. Good night. [louder] Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you. Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra. Carol Okay, good night, Michael. Michael All right. Good night. Ryan Well, I was a Temp but I got promoted. So, um... the compensation is a lot more competitive. Kelly's Mom So you're saving money... Ryan Yes. Kelly's Mom ...to start a family and home. Ryan Oh, um... or travel. And,um... and buy an Xbox. Kelly's Father Is there anything you wanted to ask us tonight? Pam Can you believe my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Young Man Is it? He's really outgoing, huh? Pam Yeah. Hey, would you excuse me for a second? Pam It's hot in there. How's the naan? Angela Dry. You look like you were having fun. Pam I am. You should come dance with us. Angela I have to watch our shoes so they don't get stolen. Who were you texting? Pam No one. Andy [sings Indigo Girls] I went to the doctor. I went to the mountains. I looked to the children... Karen Andy, no acappella. Andy [sings] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain. Andy and Jim [sing] There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in a crooked line Andy Wait, wait. Andy and Jim [sing] the less I seek my source... Karen Oh, come on, guys. Please. Andy and Jim [sing] the closer I am to fi-i-i-ne. The closer I am to.. Karen It's not good. Andy and Jim [sing] fi-i-i-ine! Andy TUNA! Are you kidding me!! Michael Oh, God! [chokes on food] Oh. Wow. Pam Here. [hands drink] Michael That's so spicy. Pam Yeah. Michael Oh. You waiting for a call? Pam Uh... no. Michael Wow. Pam. When Carol said 'No.' tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements. Pam Well, you were never really engaged. Michael I was in that marriage arena, though. Pam Yeah. Michael Yeah. Uuuuh... well. Pam I kind of thought something would happen tonight too. Michael We're so alike. So alike. [leans in to kiss her] Pam What are you doing? Michael What are you doing? Pam I'm rejecting your... Michael I'm... what? I didn't Pam ...kiss. Michael [scoffing noises] Can I have a ride home? Pam If you sit in the back. Karen Goodnight, guys. Jim Can I have a ride, man? I... uh... I have my bike. Andy No way, dude. I am not driving home. I have brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it though. It's a roomy twin. Jim Okay. Jim Oh. Karen Hey dummy, get in the car! Jim I'm a drunk driver. Karen Yes, you are. Here. Let me take that. Just... uh... get in the car. Jim Man, you can really hold your liquor, Billabelli. Karen Yeah, you can't. Jim No kidding. And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right. Karen Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything. You okay? Jim So good. Karen Good. Michael These are not my shoes. This is just like that show 'Taxi Cab Confessions'. Pam You say one more word; I'm stopping the car. Michael Sorry. Michael This is going out to Indians everywhere. It's a tribute to one of the greats... Mr. Adam Sandler. [sings] Diwali is a festival of lights. Let me tell you something. Tonight has been one crazy night. So put on your saris, it's time to celebrate Diwali. Everybody looks so jolly. But it's not Christmas, it's Diwali. The goddess of destruction Kali stopped by to celebrate Diwali. Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali. Along came Polly to have some fun at Diwali. If you're Indian and you love to party, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Diwali. Happy Diwali! Crowd [loud clapping, cheering, and whistling] Michael How do I explain this to Jan? Kelly Um, well, basically, it's like a really big party, and everybody gets super-dressed up, and there's a bunch of different gods, and each of the gods has a special power, like the Care Bears, you know? Michael Oh, please, stop talking. Three words or less. Kelly Like, an Indian Halloween? Michael An Indian Halloween. Okay, great. [to phone] Pam, could you put Jan on, please? Pam [on phone] Michael, you're on with Jan. Michael Hello, Jan. Jan Michael, what is this about you letting everyone leave work early today? Michael Well, I was letting everybody go to the big Diwali party. Jan What is Diwali? Michael What is Diwali? Jan Yes. Michael You don't know what Diwali is? Wow, Jan. I'm surprised. It's the Hindu festival of lights. I just assumed you'd be familiar with it. It's the most sacred and honored Hindu holiday in the world. It's like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween-- Jan Mich-- Michael --rolled into one. Jan Oh. Michael I bet you're not even aware that our own Kelly Kapoor, who works in... Kelly Um, customer service. Michael ... customer service is a Hindu person. Jan Oh. Michael And. Jan Yes, of course, I know Kelly. Michael Yeah. Jan I thought she was Muslim. Kelly What? I'm not Muslim! Jan Well, I think it sounds lovely. I think it sounds like a good idea. Michael You do? Jan Yes, of course. It's important to celebrate our company's rich diversity. And, and in fact, Michael, if you had planned better, we might have been able to charter a bus to the event-- Michael Oh, I dunno about that. Jan --or, or, or been a sponsor for the party itself. Michael For Kelly, that seems a bit much. Jan Hey, one person is an integral part of the fabric-- Michael [hangs up] Kelly She's so wonderful. Michael Yeah, you should see her naked. Michael I had promised Carol a romantic evening on the town. Um, I wanted to take her on this spooky hay ride thing, but it was like seventy dollars a person, and she's allergic to hay. So I said, "Pop a Claritin, and I will spot you the seventy bucks," and she's like "I don't like to borrow money or take unnecessary medication." And I'm like, "Well you're really not gonna like what I slipped in your drink last night." And she's like, "What the hell are you talking about?" And I'm like, "I'm kidding. I didn't put a roof..." [cracks himself up] ... We laughed so hard... It was hilarious... oh... [calms down] So yes, I'm very excited about the Diwali party. Kevin For Diwali 07, you must consider Scrantonicity. For a fraction of the cost of this DJ, you could have the rocking sound stylings of a Police cover band. Mrs. Kapoor No Police cover. Kevin No, okay, well, let me send you a demo, and... Better yet, I'll give Kelly the demo, and she can give it to you. It'll save us both on postage. Mr. Kapoor [nods] Kevin Excellent. Carol You're the temp! Ryan Um, yeah. [shakes her hand] Ryan. Carol Hi, I'm Carol. Ryan Hi, nice to meet you. Carol The wavy brown hair and blue eyes. Ryan Ah. Carol Michael talks about you... a lot. Ryan Yeah. Carol Top of your class at business school, and you live on Shady Hill Road, right? Ryan Wow, um... Sorry you had to... Dwight Does Michael talk about me a lot? Carol [pause] Yes. Dwight He does? What does he say. Carol He says... "I love him." He loves you. Andy At Cornell, in my fraternity, my house name was "Hubble" because I was so good at finding a party. I was like a powerful space telescope, so... Freshman year, when my skin was still really bad, they called me El Guapo. Andy Yeah. Big Tuna, tuna? Jim Nope, I got eel. Andy [speechless] Karen [looking for Jim's sushi] Eel... eel. Andy Didn't see that coming. Michael And perhaps the most important person to Indian culture, Sir Ben Kingsley. Because of him, the British left India, and then he became an actor like Ronald Reagan. Pam Michael? Michael Yeah? Pam Your shirt is buttoned wrong. Michael So, any questions?