Dwight Brain teaser. I have two coins totaling 15 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are they? Ryan A dime and a nickel. Dwight No, I said one of them is not a nickel. Ryan But the other one is. I've heard that before. Dwight Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ... Ryan Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother. Dwight A man is found hanging from the ceiling... Ryan He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted. Dwight A hunter. Ryan It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole. Dwight Damn it! Jan Tell me what you did yesterday. Michael Uhhh... nothing. Jan Nothing? Michael Yeah, nothing. How was your day? Jan I don't care how your day was Michael. Michael Wow. Well. Ok. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that? Jan Tell me what you did yesterday. Michael I worked. And then I went home to my condo. And Carol came over. And then we had sex. Is that what you want to hear? Michael Never ever, ever sleep with your boss. I am so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base. Jan Hi, Pam. Pam Hi. Jan I'm great. So, Pam I would like you to keep a log of everything Michael does hour by hour so we can analyze it at corporate. Ok? Pam Oh, I don't know if I'm... Jan Thanks Pam. Pam It's weird. Jan use to treat Michael like he was a ten year old, but lately it's like he's five. Dwight So you excited? Ryan Yeah. Dwight Very excited? Ryan Yes. I'm very excited. Dwight Extremely excited? ... Just very? That's cool. Ryan I have spent a year here. I have to commit or get out. Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, um, I'm excited. Dwight I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet, but more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he going to be a slacker-loser-wise-ass like Jim was? Or is he going to join the Dwight Army of Champions? Ryan So what if they're not talking much, then does it makes sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just 'till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? [car stops] So where's the sales office? Dwight When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now. Karen [squeaky chair] Hey. Jim What? Karen My chair is squeaking. Jim Is it? Karen You took my chair. Jim No, I didn't. I took back my chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair. Karen When you get up, I'm just going to take it back anyway, so... Jim So I guess I can't get up. Michael Hey Koselli, the Kos. Cosby. Hey hey hey. I love Jello Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jello Pudding Pops too. Dwight Do you know where we are, temp? Ryan I know where we're not. Dwight I hold in my hand, a beet seed. Take it. [Ryan tries to take it, Dwight closes hand] AH! [Ryan tries again and takes seed] When... Damn it. Andy Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second. Jim Sure. Andy Can you stand up? And talk to me over there? Karen That's it? That's what you came up with? Andy I'm acting my heart out here. Karen Really? Andy Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped. Announcer Attention Scranton Business Park, there will be complimentary pretzels in the lobby from now until 4 o'clock as a thank you to our loyal tenants. Pam Once a year they bring in a little cart and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is. Michael Productivity is important but how can I be productive if I have this one little thing in my brain? That I cannot get out. And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So I'm just going to have my soft pretzel, then I'll get to work, and I'll be super productive. Look out for me. Michael [looks at long pretzel line] Oh, shhh... Come on. Dwight And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I'm going to plant my seed in you. Ryan I don't think you know what you're saying. Dwight Smells pretty bad, doesn't it? Ryan Uh huh. Dwight It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away. Ryan Gotcha. Dwight Oh hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back. Ryan Ok. [Dwight drives away] Of course. Stanley I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day. Kelly Because they acted all tough and everything... Michael Uh huh. Kelly But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and the Chronicles of Narnia. God. Who invented cupcakes, right? I want to... Michael [Phyllis embraces Bob ahead in line] Hey, hey, hey! Phyllis, what are you doing? Phyllis I'm just saying hi to Bob. Michael No, I think you're cutting in line. Bob Well settle down, Scott. Michael No, I'm not going to settle down. Stanley No way. Michael Get in the back please. Stanley Boooooo. Booooo. Back of the line. Michael Boooooo. Thank you. [hi-five's Stanley]. That's right. Bob What a pair of Mary's. Stanley This is Pretzel Day. Ryan Hey Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you the ole commodor. I'll abandon you in a beet field. Huh. That sounds great, Dwight, I'll really appreciate that. Thank you so much for your mentorship. Dwight Congratulations resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute Farm. Karen [rocks in squeaky chair] Jim [sings] Love me, love me, say that you love me, fool me, fool me, Karen stop. Jim Go on and fool me. Love me, love me, say that you love me Karen This is not fair, this is going to be in my head all day. Please. Jim fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Love me, Karen This is not a proportionate response. Jim Love me, say that you love me. Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me. Andy I don't care 'bout anything but you... what ever happened to those guys? Pam Michael. Michael No cuts. Oh, Pam. Just the woman I'd like to see. You read my mind. Pam Great! I thought you could use this time to authorize some checks. Michael I thought that maybe you could wait in line for me while I go to the bathroom. You're an angel. Pam Hey, why don't you just go up to your office, get some work done, and I'll just bring you a pretzel. Michael Because I like them a certain way, and if it gets screwed up, then whole thing is blown. Pam You know, I just think it's really important that you be productive today. Michael Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. I'll be back. Dwight It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness. Ryan Look man, I was in a frat in college. So I know what you're doing. I get it. Dwight You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test? Ryan Yeah. Dwight Come on! Stanley Thank you! [takes pretzel] Michael Hi. Please tell me that you have a sweet pretzel left. Pretzel guy We do. Michael Thank God. Pretzel guy And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&M's, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallow, nuts, toffee nuts, coconuts, peanut butter drizzle, Oreos, sprinkles, cotton candy bits, and powdered sugar. Michael Is there anyway that you could do all, all of them? Pretzel guy The Works. You got it. Michael All right! Thank you! Dwight Please be seated. [man runs behind Dwight] Ryan Who was that? Dwight Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground. Ryan Is that your Cousin Mose? Dwight Yes. Dwight Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore. Dwight What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin? Ryan Outsourcing and consolidation of competition. Dwight Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide? Ryan Depression? Dwight Wrong. He hated himself. What is the DHARMA initiative? Kelly I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be? Angela Sales take a long time. Kelly Oh my God, I'm so worried. Angela I'm sure Dwight will protect him. Kelly I don't know. Dwight's so weird. Angela He's not weird, he's just individualistic. Kelly No, he's a freak. Angela You're a freak! Dwight Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear? Ryan Um, loneliness. Maybe women. Dwight Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground. You will now wrestle my cousin Mose. Ryan No. Ok. All right. All right. It's over. This is over. OK. Dwight Wrestle him to the ground. Ryan No, you're a freak. I'm not doing this anymore. This is over. Goodbye. Dwight Ryan. Don't. Ryan! You don't have to wrestle him. Just get in the coffin. Ryan? Cousin Mose Bye, Ryan. He seemed nice. Dwight Where are all the animals? Dwight Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat back bacon. And look, something he whittled. Dwight You still mad? It's just Jim and I didn't get along, and I didn't want it to be that way again. You know, I wanted us to be a team. An unstoppable team that competed against other teams. Ryan Look, that, that's not what I wanted, ok. I just wanted to go on a sales call. Dwight Screwgun. The sales call! Kevin [Michael is listening to "Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter" and everyone can hear it. Kevin singing in unison with the song] Hey! Hey! Michael Mr. Kosseli. Hey hey hey, the Cos. What's going on? Do we have a deal? Deal or no deal? Let's make a deal. So what is the deal? Dwight Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their head. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. Cause you say the word please too much. Ryan Wait, can you go back? Dwight Michael always said, K.I.S.S. Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice, hurts my feelings every time. Ryan Ok, I'm going to establish time frames. Dwight Good. Ryan I'm going to put everything in terms of "real dollars". Dwight Right. Ryan I'm going to ask a lot of questions that all have sort of positive answers. Dwight Uh huh. Ryan Saying, that would be better, or we would like that. That sort of thing. Dwight Exactly. Yes. Ryan I'm going to try to be confident, but not cocky. Michael Oh! Hey! Everyone, I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second... Toby Second? Michael Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you. Kevin Account...? Michael, what is going on? Michael And I will be taking questions. Pam Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael? Phyllis What's on your suit? Michael Carmel Dip. But, one question at a time please. Phyllis, Stanley. I want you to switch desks, I'm going to reorganize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything! I think we're getting a lot done, don't you? On paper at least. And we are, after all, a paper company. Are we not, are we not, are we not? Are you with me, are you with me? Thank you very much! Ryan They really didn't like me. Dwight They did not. They didn't have to say it to your face. Ryan I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong. Dwight Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're going to be screwed once this whole internet fad is over. What are you doing? [Ryan throws egg at building] Oh no no no no! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin. Come on! Drive. Ryan You drive. Pam Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh, hi Jan. He's, uh, on a sales call. No message? Bye, Jan. Dwight [Dwight chokes as Ryan downs a beer in one drink] Temp! Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere. Ryan I think about that all the time. Kevin Night, Pam. Pam Night. Michael Hey, what time is it? Pam 20 past 5. Michael AM or PM? Pam PM. Michael Oh, good. Pam These came for you. Contracts? Brent Koselli? Michael Oh. Koselli. With the Jello. Pam This is a huge sale. Michael Yes. Right. Good. Pam Night, Michael. Michael Goodnight! Pam [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jim Ah, hey. Pam Oh my God. Jim Hi. Pam Hi. Jim Sorry, I forgot Kevin's extension. It's a fantasy football thing. Pam Oh. Jim And I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there. Why, why are you still there? Pam I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day. Jim Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that? Pam Yeah, totally. So... Jim So... Pam Do you... Jim Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. Pam Uh, no, I um. Everything's pretty much the same here. Jim Oh, good. Pam A little different. What time is it there? Jim What time is it here? Um, we're in the same time zone. Pam Oh, yeah. Right. Jim How far away did you think we were? Pam I don't know. It felt far. Jim Yeah. I have a question for you. Pam What? Jim How many words per minute does the average person type? Pam I type 90. Jim Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90. Pam It's true. Jim Ok, I said average. Pam 70? How many do you type? Jim Forget it. I was just about to brag but forget it. Pam Come on. Tell me. Jim No. Pam You have to tell me now. Jim 65. Ok, no need to laugh. Pam No, it's, that's respectable. Jim Respectable? Pam So ok. I'm watching the movie, by myself... Jim Right. Pam Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home... Jim Ok. Pam And, I'm freaking out. Jim Yeah. Pam That movie is so scary! Jim I know! Pam But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up. Jim No way. How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later? Pam Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box. Jim No, you're making this up! Pam Would I make that up? Jim Yes. Fancy New Beesley would make that up. New apartment, new stories. Pam Oh, yeah, in my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet. Jim And how many kitchens? Pam I have one kitchen. Jim Wow, you got totally taken for a ride Beesley. Pam It's actually... Jim Most apartments these days have like three. Pam Three kitchens? Jim Yes! How are you going to cook every meal of the day in one kitchen? Pam [Ryan and Dwight enter] Hey, Ryan, are you ok? Jim Pam? Ryan Yeah. Yeah. Jim Pam? Pam Um. Ok, bye. Jim Oh, yeah, I should, I should, I should probably go too. Pam No, I was um... Jim Oh, no no. Pam You have to go? Jim Yeah, uh, well. Pam No, I should probably go too. Jim Ok. Pam I mean, yeah. Jim Yeah. Bye Pam. Pam Bye Jim. Stanley Three hundred and sixty four days, 'till the next Pretzel Day. Jan What I want, Michael, is an hour-by-hour log of how you spend your work time. Michael Well, that's really not the way I roll, because sometimes I'm in the zone, and sometimes I'm in the zoning out. Jan Zoning out? Michael Do you want me to go on Amazon and order you a slang dictionary? Cause I'll do it. Jan If you can account for your time... Michael Yes, big if. Jan ...then maybe corporate can justify your salary. Michael A woman spurned. Pam It's like mommy and daddy are fighting. Except mommy outranks daddy and mommy is way scarier. Dwight Take a good look at this boy... Michael I always do. Dwight ...because you are never going to see him again. Michael If you lay a finger... Dwight Today is Ryan's first sales call and I am bringing this boy home a full-grown man. Michael Would you look at that? [Hugs Ryan] [Dwight attempts hug] Damn it, Dwight! Come on. Pam Dwight is taking Ryan on a sales call today. So if we find Ryan's body in a heavily-wooded area tomorrow, I owe Jim $30. It's an old bet, but a deal's a deal. Dwight I once saw a movie called "Training Day". It starred an African-American and Ethan Hawke. In it, the African-American trains Ethan Hawke with various tests and trials. Today, Ryan is Ethan Hawke, and I am the African-American. Dwight Get in the car. Ryan I don't have a key. Dwight Don't you realize the key is inside you? [pretends to pull key out of Ryan's ear] Ryan He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. He's the top salesman at the company. Today's gonna be great. Dwight No, but seriously, your ears are the key. 90% of a good sales call is listening, only 10% is talking. Ryan Huh. Dwight Get in the car. [Ryan knocks the car door] Get... get in the car. Dwight Sales is not all in here. [wails arms] It's also in here. Ryan What was that first thing you did? Dwight [wails arms] You know, selling, typing, dialing. Ryan Oh. Dwight What is that in your ear? [pretends to pull beet seed out of Ryan's ear] A tiny beet seed. You need to clean your ears better. Ryan It's going okay. I've already learned more about beet agriculture than I ever thought I'd know. Michael "9:00 to 10:00, checked in with receptionist. Met with Jan, RE: Ryan You know, every time I think I hit rock bottom at my job, the floor opens up, like at a carnival ride. I'm gonna retrace my steps. College, four-year degree, student loans, business school, alone in a beet field. I... there's a step missing. "Hey, mom." "Hey, Ryan. How's that five-year plan coming?" "Oh, it's great. Today, I knelt down in cow manure and I got abandoned in a beet field." "Oh, that's cool." "Yeah, that's really cool. I'm learning a lot. I'm really glad I took this full-time job." Dwight Sales is about people, Ryan. About understanding them and learning how to get along with them. Case study: Kevin [in the kitchen and Stanley comes in and swipes Kevin's pretzel without Kevin seeing] Shoot. Stanley There's four things that I love. My wife, my daughters, Pam Grier, and a hot, chewy roll of buttered dough. Michael What makes them so good? Stanley I do not know. Michael I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth. Stanley That's what she said. [Stanley and Michael both laugh] Karen Look, I've never seen a Clint Eastwood movie. Jim See, that's weird. Karen But if you said "Go ahead, make my day," I would know that it's from "Dirty Harry". How can you not know that's from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"? Andy Yo, mama! Ask me how bad I wanted to bone Jennifer Grey. Jim I saw the movie. I just don't know every line from the film. Andy Seriously, you guys, ask me. Karen You didn't know that "Bueller?" was from Ferris Bueller? Andy Let's just say, me and Jennifer Grey probably would've broken a few laws.