Michael Pam? Pam Yeah? Michael Did you see Oprah yesterday? Pam No, I didn't. Michael I, uh... I am going to be a father. Pam What was Oprah about? Michael Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. Pam That's a really big decision. Michael I know. Pam Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Michael Well... Pam Or not adopt. Michael Just do it, okay? Pam Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. Michael Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? Pam You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. Michael Eight months? Pam Yeah. Michael I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months. Pam You probably won't. Michael You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... Pam No, Michael. Michael Twenty years. Pam No, Michael. Michael Thirty. Pam Sure. Michael It's a deal. Ryan All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. Michael Yesh. Ryan Uh, fun jeans. Michael Right there. Ah. Angela Sign. Michael Per diem. Michael Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled sex romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. Dwight Don't be mad, it is a business trip. Angela But I don't understand. It's for managers. Dwight Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. Angela I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. [A long silence.] Are you still there? Dwight Yes, Monkey. Angela Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M. Angela In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here? Kelly Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? Pam This. Kelly You look so pretty. Pam Thank you. Pam Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that. Kelly Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. Michael Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom? Kelly My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight. Michael Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. Dwight And your veil. Michael Yeah, do it! Pam I'll probably just wear this. Michael Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: Creed There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? Angela That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. Meredith That town smells like cheese steaks. Angela That town is full of history! Creed Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. [introducing himself] Creed. Dwight Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? Josh Hey, Michael. Michael Hey, Josh, how ya doing? Josh Pretty good. Michael Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns. Michael I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. Jim It's really good to see you, man. Michael Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too! Dwight Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? Jim Yeah, sold about forty thousand. Michael Hey! Dwight Shut up. That's impossible. Jim No, it's not. I did. Yep. Dwight Well, I did it too. Jim You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. Kevin So did you hear? Toby What? Kevin Pam's back on the market again. Toby Really? She's dating? Kevin If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that. Dwight So what kind of commissions you get up there? Jim Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much. Dwight You're so immature! Josh Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. Michael Ah. Josh And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford. Jan Oh, hey! Dwight Hey, Jan. Jan We all checked in? Josh Yes. Jan Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. Josh Okay. Jan Okay! Michael Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. Jan What are you talking about? Michael The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. Jan Step away from me, Michael. Michael Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. Kelly Alan's cartoon is so funny, right? Pam Mm-hmm. Kelly And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time. Dwight This party is going to be awesome. Michael I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. Dwight Check it out. Michael That is crooked on that side. Dwight Wow. Michael Hey hey! Jim That is a lot of liquor. Michael Yeah. Jim And a dart board. Michael Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop. Josh We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. Michael Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? Josh A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. Jim Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there. Michael Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday. Josh Um, we should... Jim Yeah. Michael All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. Dwight I'll do a shot, Michael. Michael Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet. Michael SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. Michael Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. Dwight Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. Jerome Bettis All right. Dwight I'm a huge fan. Jerome Bettis Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. Michael You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. Jerome Bettis All right, maybe. If I can. Michael Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there? Jerome Bettis No, you cannot. Michael So maybe. See ya. Dwight Why do they call him The Bus? Michael Because he's afraid to fly. Dwight Smile! Michael Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! Josh All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. Michael Yep. Yeah, she's up front. Dwight You don't have email on your phone. Michael I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? Dwight No one just called you. Josh All right. Jim All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. Ted I'll see you soon. Josh Yeah, stop by later. Michael [into phone] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. [to Dwight] May I have a moment of your time please? Michael I need you to do something for me. Dwight Yes. Anything. Michael I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. Dwight I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. Toby Hey, Pam. Pam Hey! What's up? Toby It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted... Pam [answering phone] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. [hangs up] Sorry. What's up? Toby Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird. Pam Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here. Toby Okay. Dwight So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera. Michael And? Dwight He wasn't volunteering today. Michael Business has been pretty crazy around the office. Jim Oh yeah? Michael Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. Jim Oh, tell him I say hi. Michael I will call him later with that message. Jim Hey, how is... Toby? Michael Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? Jim Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to... Michael Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. Jim Michael, it's really not a competition. Josh Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. Jan Great! Michael Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip. Dwight Whoa. Michael. Waiter Wow, oh my God, thank you. Michael You're welcome. Dwight Was that your per diem? Michael No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. Jan What have you generated, Michael? Michael I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. Jan What party? Michael The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. Jan Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7. Phyllis You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it. Stanley If you do that, you're going to have to put out. Phyllis Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out. Angela Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. Michael Any messages for 308? All right. Michael Hey hey, fellers. Jim Michael. Dwight Hey, Michael. Michael What's up? Josh Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. Michael Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. Josh I don't think so. Michael Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. Josh Fine! All right. Michael Okay! Excellent. Oh... Dwight Keep the wing flaps. Michael Shut it. [answering phone] Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. [to others] Say hi to Pam! Jim, Josh, and Dwight Hi, Pam. Michael Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. [to others] Pam says hi. [into phone] Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. Michael You first. Dwight Come on. Nice try, Josh! Michael Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing. Josh Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael. Michael Well, let's... Josh Yeah, we should go. Michael Come on! Josh We gotta go. Michael Come on! Josh Uh... we'll do it later. Evan Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? Michael Fine. Michael Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. Evan That is so true. Ready? Michael Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for. Evan Great. Michael Sorry, my meeting ran late. Jan Really? Michael Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. Josh They're exclusive with Staples. Michael Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. Dwight Yes! Ha! Jan Well, Michael, I underestimated you. Michael Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. Jim Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. Angela D? Jim Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! Kelly So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. Alan Oh, great. Ryan I don't want ketchup. Kelly You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. Pam So how do you come up with your cartoons? Alan Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. Pam You dream in cartoons? How fun! Michael Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. Guy I thought there was a party in here. Michael This is the party. Guy This is room 308? Michael Party central! So, what can I do you for? [Guy leaves] All right. Alan See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. Pam Huh. Alan [French accent] Freedom fries for the table. Pam Freedom fries. Yeah. Alan Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it. Pam Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. Alan Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain. Pam More freedom fries. Alan Yeah. Pam That's great. Alan Okay. Pam I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know. Jim Michael. Am I the first to arrive? Michael People have been filtering in and out. Jim Can I get a drink? Michael What? Jim Can I get a drink? Michael Sure. You like Cosmos? Jim Yeah. Michael Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? Jim Michael... Michael I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... Jim Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss. Michael I'm not better than Josh. Jim Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam. Michael Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now. Jim No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. Michael I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. Jim Nope, that's okay. Michael Yeah. Jim That's all right. Michael I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. Jim Yeah. Okay, maybe. Evan Are we early? Michael Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. Jim Hey. Michael Evan, this is Jim. Jim How are you? Evan Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. Michael Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? Evan Do you guys work together? Jim No, we used to. Now we're friends. Michael Best friends. Michael Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. Michael Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? [lights go out, leaving Michael's black light on] Ha, ha, ha. Dwight Ha, ha, ha, ha. Michael Whoa. What are those stains? Dwight Blood, urine, or semen. Michael Oh, God, I hope it's urine. Michael Today I'm headed to Philadelphia for the annual Northeastern Office Supply Convention. [makes horns gesture and heavy metal scream] Wooo-yaaaaah! Oh, these things tend to be kind of crazy. Michael [Angela enters Michael's office] Ah. Angela Sign. Michael Per-diem. [singing as he signs] Perrrr-diiiiieeeemmmm! [shows off $100 bill to Ryan] You know, Ryan, it's all about the Benjamins. Ryan [reading checklist] Fun jeans. Michael [points to door] Right there. Ryan Fourth quarter projections for Jan? Michael Yes. What? Oh, yeah, have Pam give those to me. Ryan Will do. Michael Sure you don't want to come? Ryan Yeah. Michael Gonna be fun! Change your mind we can get you a cot. Ryan [shakes his head] Michael A couple of years ago, I went to one in Hartford. "Connecticut." And Todd Packer and I went to this bar and met a girl. And [laugh] Packer decides to make out with her. Turns out that her boyfriend is the bouncer at the bar. [laugh] I love this. The bouncer chases us out to Packer's Vette, jump in the Vette, he peels out, and I [laugh] I don't make it to the car. [turns serious] Um, and the other bouncers caught up with me and really did a number on me... It was in the paper... [brightens] But to answer your question, yeah, I'm really excited about this weekend. Michael See that factory? Dwight Mm-hm. Michael I almost worked there. Dwight No! Michael Yup. Yeah, I applied for a job there. Dwight What would you have done? Been manager? Michael I was going to be a bottle capper. Dwight You? A bottle capper?! [laughs in disbelief] Michael I know, I know. Crazy world. Crazy, crazy world. Josh Yes, I'm aware of Jan and Michael's... history. Um, I don't really like to talk about it 'cause it's unprofessional. Kind of gross. Michael Josh reminds me of a guy I went to high school with. Big football star, girls loved him. Whatever. Guess what he's doing now. He's a TV announcer for the Eagles. Up in the... [laughs] He doesn't even get to play in the game, I mean. Dwight So, you ever been convicted of a felony? Josh What? Uh, no. [to Jim] Uh, I want you to make sure you call Karen and get her to fax that vendor list over. Dwight Misdemeanor? Josh Um... When I was in the Coast Guard, a couple of us broke into the women's barracks and we got arrested for trespassing. Dwight Coast Guard? So you know how to fight underwater? Josh [stunned] Jan [Jim, Josh, and Jan walk in the hotel lobby] Josh, um... [Jim continues walking ahead] Why don't you come up to my room for a couple of minutes and we can just go over the schedule for tomorrow together. Josh Can we do it over breakfast? It'll be... Jan A quick drink? Josh Thanks, but maybe another time. Jan [putting on a good face] Great! [walks off]