Jim Not much what's up with you? Pam Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God. Michael Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me. Jim Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? Michael What's up-dog? Jim Nothin' much what's up with you? Michael Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant! Michael Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog? Stanley I'm on the phone. Michael Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog? Ryan What's that? Michael I don't know, nothin', what's up with you? Ryan Huh? Michael [low] No, damn it! Kevin What does that mean? Michael What does what mean? Kevin The thing you just said? Michael Just forget it. Michael Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog? Dwight What's up-dog? Michael Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin' how ya doing? Dwight Good. How are you doing? Jim [mouthing] So close. Michael [low] Damn it. Michael Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a... Dwight Empty mind. Michael No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say. Dwight Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar? Angela He's out sick. Dwight That's unacceptable. Angela I agree it's unacceptable. [longing look] Kevin Whhh... What are you guys doing? Dwight Michael. Michael Yes. Dwight Oscar is out sick. Michael On a Friday? [Dwight nods] Dwight Can I do some of the talking? Michael I will do all the talking. Dwight Ok, let him know that I'm here. Oscar Hello. Michael What difference does it make whether your here? Oscar Hello? Michael Hi, Oscar its Michael. Dwight And Dwight. Michael Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather? Oscar Yeah I think I came down with the flu. Michael Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic. Oscar Yeah, I feel terrible about it. Dwight Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D. Michael What are your symptoms? Oscar I have the chills. Michael Umm, hmmm. Oscar I feel nauseous and my heads killing. Dwight Checks out. Oscar Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed. Michael I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend. Oscar I'll just be sleep-- [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish] Dwight Ok. First impressions? Michael He sounded sick. Dwight Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick. Michael That's exactly what I was thinking. Dwight Question? May I investigate? Michael Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs. Pam I bought my veil. Kelly Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? Pam Ummm... Kelly Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair? Pam Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and... Kelly You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry. Michael Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you. Jim Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant. Jim Hey Michael. Michael Hey Jim-bag. Jim Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great. Michael Really? Jim Umm, hmm. Michael Who else knows? Jim Nobody. Michael Wow! Michael Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can. Michael My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed... Bangles. Jim Alright. Great. Thank you. Michael [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us... Dwight Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? Ryan Yeah, I think I can handle it. Dwight Do you think? Or do you know? Ryan I think. Dwight [low] Oh God, here. Michael Hey, whatcha gettin'? Jim I'm going with grape. Michael Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night? Jim Which one? Michael Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation? Jim I don't know what you mean. Michael P-A-M. P-A Jim Uh, uh, ok. Michael No it's okay, we're talking code. Stanley What is? Michael Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda? Jim I'm going to take off actually. Michael Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding? Stanley Hmm? Michael [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it. Dwight Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy. Dwight There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. Michael It's Grrrrrrape! Soda. Jim Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more. Michael Not so much. Dwight Ok, what is going on here? Michael Nothing. Dwight Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim. Michael Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets. Dwight Ok. So what is the secret Michael? Jim Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. Dwight Is that true? Michael Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Dwight Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth. Michael Ok. Dwight I can tell. I won't let you down. Michael Good. Jim Thanks. Michael Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch? Jim I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room. Michael Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim's desk], no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat. Jim No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here. Michael Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who. Jim Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out. Michael I know just he place. Michael [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? Michael Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings. Michael Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi. Dana Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters. Michael We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers. Jim Nope we're not brothers. Michael I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants. Jim Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks. Dana And for you? Michael Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast? Dana Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce. Michael Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles] Dana Is that what you really want? Michael No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog. Dana Great. Dwight Who took all the black ones? Pam That's a communal bowl. Dwight So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? Pam Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know. Dwight Sniffling how? Pam Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle? Dwight Three. Pam Ok, it was the second one. Dwight Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it? Pam Nuh-uh. Michael What do you like best about Pam? Jim Uh, I really don't want to talk about it. Michael Is it her boobs, or... Jim Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor. Michael Really? Jim Uh-huh. Michael Never get's any of my jokes. Jim What about you? Michael Her boobs, definitely. Jim Wow, that's not what I meant. Dana Here you go. Michael Oh, thank you. Dana And I understand we have a birthday today. Michael Ohhh happy birthday Jim! Dana Ready girls? Front side. Hooter's Girls You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo! Jim Thank you. Michael Woo! Yeah! Jim Thanks, thanks Dana. Michael Thank you very much. Michael Hilarious. Hey. Pam What did you guys talk about? Jim [Holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature. Pam I hate you. Dwight Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. Michael Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes. Dwight Including prep time? Michael Just do it. Ryan If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too. Michael [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim's] Expenses. Kevin Michael is that a wig? Michael No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig? Kevin No. Angela This is from Hooters. Michael Yeah, it's a business lunch. Angela Did Toby approve this? Michael No he did not. I don't need his permission. Toby You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again? Michael Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right? Michael I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us. Toby I'm not processing this. Michael Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related? Toby He seems fine to me. Michael You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please? Kelly Pam? Phylis Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy? Angela It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy. Kevin Jim has got it bad for Pam. Creed Oh ho! Which one is Pam? Kevin Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? Michael You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me. Dwight As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved. Kelly Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam? Jim Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don't. Riveting. Kevin Nice... she is so hot. Pam Hey. Jim Hey. Pam Did you find anything good in your desk? Jim Ah, coupon for a free sandwich. Pam Score. Jim It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago. Pam Big day. Jim Big day. Jim Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. Pam Oh. Jim Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael. Pam Right. Jim And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean. Pam No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started. Jim Oh you did? Pam No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well. Jim No, no, you saw through me, great. Pam So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now? Jim Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay. Pam Mmm, hmm. Jim And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it. Pam Cool. Jim Ok. Dwight Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all. Gil Who's this? Dwight This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this? Gil Gil. Oscar Are you going to tell Michael? Dwight How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. Dwight Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake. Jim Hey. Michael I know, I know, I know. Jim Umm, what happened? Michael I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid. Jim Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal. Michael Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just. Jim Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good? Michael Yeah I'm good. Jim Good. Ryan Creed did you organize the menu book? Creed Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. Ryan No, that was mandatory. Creed Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing. Pam Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay? Michael Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim. Pam Oh, no, that's, you don't have to. Michael No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend. Pam No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so. Michael It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise. Pam Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? Michael Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out. Jim Ready? Pam Yep. Michael People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott. Michael Hello. Pammy want a cracker? Pam No thanks. You got a package. Michael Oh, Pam with the dirty talk. [laughs] Dwight And he's lining it up. Seems pretty straightforward from here. If Michael Scott sinks it, he'll win a Buick signed by Tiger Woods. Michael Oh! Dwight He totally misses, Michael No, he meant to put it right next to the hole, that's much harder to do. Dwight Interception. He shoots, he scores, yeah! Michael, try it like this. This'll be much harder. Michael No, no, no, no. I don't want to chip my mug. Please get that off the floor. [sets mug on the edge of Michael's desk] Michael All right. Jack Nicholson for birdie. Dwight Jack Nicholas. Michael It's a celebrity tournament. Dwight [golf ball rolls under bookcase] I got it. No problem. [clears throat] Michael Do you see it? Dwight Oh, man, it's really back there. Michael Do you feel it? Dwight Yeah. I can barely... Michael [mug falls off Michel's desk and smashes on the floor] God... damn it, Dwight! That's great. Dwight Should I clean out my desk? Michael [pulls a brand new mug out of his desk door] That won't be necessary. Dwight Don't be fooled by the phrase "dust bunnies." They are vicious little bitches and if they get inside your disc drive, God help you. They will bring your computer to its knees. They sit in corners hatching, defecating, laying eggs. And their sole purpose in life is to eat dead skin, which humans in this office shed by the boat load. Especially Creed. Michael Look at all them out there, my little worker bees buzzing away. Dwight If they're the worker bees, you're the Queen bee. Michael No, I am the King bee, Dwight Queen's higher. Michael No, King is higher. Then Ace. I am the Ace bee. Ryan People Magazine, crossword puzzle, keep or toss? Michael Keep. I will finish that later. Ryan It's from '99. Michael Yeah, I know when it's from, Ryan. Ryan 18 across. Mary-Kate and Ashley blank." Michael wrote, "Judd?" Michael Yeah, I rushed a few fraternities, but you know what? I don't believe in paying for friendships. So, I made a decision not to accept any offers. And fortunately none were made. Which was good, so nobody's feelings got hurt. Dwight Temp, shouldn't you be monitoring the progress of people's cleaning efforts? Ryan Everything seems pretty much under control. Dwight Yeah. Well, I'd hate to see it blow up in your face. Ryan How would... Dwight Let's table that. So, temp... You seem to be pretty close to this Oscar. Ryan Not really. Dwight Getting defensive? Ryan No. Dwight You seem a little nervous. You shouldn't be. Michael Thank you, Dana. Dana Sure. Michael Keep the change. Here you go buddy, happy birthday. Jim Wow. Thanks. Michael You're welcome. Jim No, you what, seriously, you should have it. Michael No, no, no, no. I have the long sleeve. And actually, you know what we should do? We should wear them tomorrow to work, it'll be hysterical. Jim Oh, tomorrow, that's gonna be tough 'cause I already laid out my outfit, so... Michael Okay, Tuesday. Whenever. You'd better try it on, make sure it fits.