Oscar ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. Jim [off camera] Yeah, that's right. Pam Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. Pam Michael, what's wrong? Michael I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! Pam Ok, wait wait wait wait... Michael Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! Pam Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! Michael No, I want you to pick me up. Jim What? Pam Ok... Jim What's going on? Pam Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. Michael I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Jim I'm sorry? Pam. Pam [exasperated] Jim What is going on? Michael I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone] Michael OH GOD! Jim Hey, whoa, Michael... Michael Oh God! Jim It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. Michael OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. Jim You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill? Michael I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. Michael Pam, could you come get me?! Pam Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. Michael Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? Phyllis Michael, you should stay home and rest. Michael There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? Kevin Can you hop? Michael I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. Michael [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!? Dwight [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on? Pam Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. Michael I'm not sick! I'm burned! Dwight I'm coming Michael! Jim Oh... Dwight I'm gonna save you! Michael Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. Dwight Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! Michael I don't want Dwight! Pam Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? Michael I don't have a girlfriend. Jim But you said that you went out with her this weekend. Michael It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. Jim [sounds of a car crash] What was that... Pam What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window] Jim Oh! Pam Ohhhhhh! Jim He hit the pole! Jim It's broken right, he can't... Pam Oh my gosh. Jim Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh! Jim and Pam Oh my God! Pam Is he ok? Jim He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! Michael Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! Michael Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. Pam You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. Michael Did you explain why? Pam No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. Michael Burned my foot, Pam. Michael Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Jim So, where are you shipping your foot? Michael Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... Dwight Your foot? Michael Thank you. Pam, messages please? Pam You didn't have any. Michael Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... Pam And do my job? Michael No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! Dwight [holding mini-fan] It slipped. Michael What? Dwight Sorry. Pam It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. Michael I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. Pam Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. Michael No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. Dwight Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. Michael What? Part of your duties are to what? Dwight What? Michael You just said "part of your duties are to" something. Dwight No, I didn't. Michael Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Dwight What is wrong with you? Michael Where is my cornbread? Ryan Here you go. Michael Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? Ryan Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. Michael Where are the yams? Ryan They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. Michael Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Ryan Yes. Michael And they had no yams? Ryan They had no yams. Michael How strange. Because they always have yams. Dwight Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? Pam You've seen one of these? Dwight Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. Pam Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. Dwight Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. Pam Really? Dwight Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! Pam Oh! Ha, haha. Dwight Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. Pam Pan? Michael Pam... PAAAM!? Pam Oh, God. Pam [phone rings] What. Michael Come here please. Pam Tell me before I come there. Michael I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam No. Michael Pam, please? I have Country Crock. Pam No. Michael Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! Dwight These covers are totally indestructible. Pam Really? Dwight Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player] Dwight Oh no, it's broken. Pam What?! Dwight No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. Pam That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! Dwight Yep. Jim So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. Pam Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! Michael No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? Dwight Huh. Do you like candy? Angela It's alright. Dwight Cause you're sweeter than candy. Angela What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing] Angela Hey! Toby Wow, you just dive right into it. Ryan You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. Michael [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! Toby What, what happened? Michael I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. Toby What do you need? Michael Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Toby I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. Michael Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. Toby Ryan, is, uh, dead. Michael No, he's not. Toby Dead. Michael I just saw him. Toby No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. Michael Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! Jim Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? Pam No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. Jim And that isn't weird? Pam Wow... Michael Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? Phyllis Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. Michael No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble. Creed When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. Michael Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. Stanley I'm not disabled and neither are you. Michael Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?! Stanley Mailboxes, Etc. Michael Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. Phyllis Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. Michael [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Dwight [looking up at Creed] Dad? Michael While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. Jim Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Ryan Twice. Michael Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: Jim I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. Billy Merchant So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... Michael Ok... Billy Merchant First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes... Pam Dwight, you have your hand up. Michael Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... Billy Merchant You know what Michael? Michael Yeah... Billy Merchant Let me stop you right there. Michael Ok. Billy Merchant And leave. Michael Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. Billy Merchant What's wrong with that guy? Jim You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. Billy Merchant No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. Michael [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey! Ryan I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! Michael You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan You are very welcome. Michael Did you get the yams? Ryan No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! Michael [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. Ryan You sure? Michael Yeh. Ryan Ok. Michael You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. Michael Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. Ryan I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. Michael Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. Dwight [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... Jim Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Michael Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. Angela He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. Michael Why don't you go with him? Angela I, barely know him... Dwight I want Michael to take me... Michael I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. Meredith You can take my van! Michael Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. Jim Fine. Michael We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. Jim Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. Dwight Choo choo choo choo choo choo... Jim What are you doing? What, stop... Dwight Vietnam sounds. Jim [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop. Dwight Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter] Jim You can't lay down. Dwight Want to take a rake... . Jim Wake up. [sprays Dwight] Dwight Ahh! Pam Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. Jim I'm just gonna get... Dwight Ok, Pam, thanks. Pam Get up, get up. Dwight You're the best. Pam Yeah. Jim Just keep him awake. Dwight It smells like chicken soup. Pam I know. Dwight I have to go to the hospital. Pam I know. Dwight Where we going? Pam I just want to say goodbye ok? Dwight I'll be back, I mean... Pam Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. Dwight Why? Pam It's just hard to explain. Dwight Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose] Pam Oh my goodness! Dwight [giggles] Pam Come here. Dwight Oh, huggy hugs. Michael Shotgun! Jim You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? Michael The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. Michael Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? Jim Well, I think she has a kid. Michael Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. Dwight Where are we going? Jim Come on, get inside. Dwight Where are we going? Jim We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Michael Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Jim We're going to the hospital, Michael. Michael I know, just sayin'. Michael Dwight, what are you drinking? Dwight I found it under the seat. Jim Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. Dwight I'm thirsty. Jim Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight] Dwight No! Jim Give the bottle to Michael! Dwight I'm thirsty! Michael Give it to me. Dwight No. Michael Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired. Dwight You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! Michael Give it to me Dwight. Dwight No. [takes a drink] Michael Give me the bottle!! Jim [to Michael] Will you stop? Michael Gimme the bottle, Dwight! Jim Michael stop. Dwight [drinks] Mmmmm... Michael Just give it! Jim Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight] Michael Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle! Jim Stop [sprays Michael] Dwight My eyes! Michael Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! Dwight My eyes! Michael Dwight, what is your middle name. Dwight Danger. Michael [sigh] Something with a "K". Jim It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. Michael What do I write under "reason for visit"? Jim Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write? Michael Nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital". Jim So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. Michael No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim] Jim Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight] Dwight Hi Michael! Michael Hi Dwight. Dwight Ahhh. Mweehaa Michael Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? Doctor A head injury. Michael Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. Doctor [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. Dwight What is that? Michael Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? Doctor Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. Michael Ok, what kinda machine is that? Doctor Does the skin look red and swollen? Dwight That's what she said. Michael That's my joke, damnit Dwight. Lab Tech Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... Michael It's ok, they're with me. Lab Tech No metal of any kind. Michael Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. Dwight I don't want to do this. Michael Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. Dwight Oh. Michael Fine. Fine. Pam Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Jim Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. Pam Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? Jim Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. Pam I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. Jim Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. Pam Really? Michael went in with him? Jim Uh huh. Pam Wow. Jim But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. Pam Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. Jim Ok. Pam Ok. Bye. Jim Bye. Pam Hey, Oscar? Oscar What's up, Pam? Pam I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. Oscar Ok... Pam I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. Lab Tech Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that. Oscar [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it. Michael Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill. Jim I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow. Michael I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try? Jim You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast. Michael Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs. Jim And doctors. Michael Yes, so, no thank you. Dwight Pssht. Michael What? Dwight Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing. Michael Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright. Ryan My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott. Angela Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot] Toby [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time. Michael Yeah, I've been sayin that. Toby Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward. Michael Did you know I used to be in HR? Toby I'm sorry? Michael I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser. Toby Uh, ok. Michael Right? [laughs] Toby Uh, great. Why don't we move on? Michael Alright. Movin' on. Toby Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call] Michael Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate? Ryan They were out. Michael Oh come on. Ryan At three different places. Michael Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy. Michael Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say "stuff a cold"? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon. Dwight Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: Doctor We need to get your friend into the CT machine. Dwight Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me? Michael No. Dwight Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose? Michael No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. Dwight Oh God. Oh God. Michael Guh-od. Dwight Oh God. Michael Ok, I'll stand near you. Dwight Next to me? Michael Next-ish. None [Spanish language telenovela dialogue from the waiting room T.V.] Jim I'm gonna pull the car around. Michael Shh shh shh shh. Jim Do you speak Spanish? Michael No. Do you? Jim No, I don't.